flyboy_fox

***OMG Ian Flynn commented on them on Facebook and said "Holy crap those are amazing!" :DDDD Yay!***

They're finally done XD; They were supposed to be ready for Summer of Sonic '11 a couple weeks ago, but of course life happened and we didn't go, nor have time to finish these. Anyway, they're Scrog's handiwork, specifically, which is amusing and kind of endearing but also pretty badass. Lol, what are you holding behind your back Miles idek TREASON



( Moar? )

Small/crappy images 'cause LJ will break if I post big ones, but if you wanna see the detail, they're on DA in better quality:

Scourge: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3leomz
Miles: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3lep2q
Both: http://zoomswish.deviantart.com/#/d3lepek

EDIT: Reposted with compiled images.

So, I'm alone in my house again right now, because Jei's gone back to Bournemouth one last time... for her Graduation. It was the hardest decision to make, her going alone. Before all the cancer stuff, the plan was that my mum was going to drive Jei and I there and my mum and I would be in the audience in place of Jei's parents, who couldn't make it from over in America. But my mum, understandably of course, is in no fit state to drive all that way (it's about three hours in the car). She felt so guilty about it, she was almost in tears, even though Jei and I told her over and over again that it was fine and that she just needs to rest and take care of herself. So then there was the idea of me going with Jei and us staying in a hotel room, but after we talked it over, we both agreed that I shouldn't leave my mum alone here. And then, also, if Jei goes alone she can stay at her Uni friend's house overnight and save us the cost of a hotel. I guess it makes sense, but my heart feels heavy and my gut feels sick. Jei won't have any guests in the audience when she graduates with her astounding first class honours degree tomorrow. I'll watch on the streaming webcam with my mum, but... yeah. I just feel really sad and guilty.

My mum is coping okay, but as you can imagine it's been hard. She's so strong, and she tries to occupy herself... but every now and then she breaks down in tears and says she can't deal with this and she's so afraid. She says that she can't do anything... She tries to watch a movie and she can't pay attention, she tries to read a book and her eyes just travel down the page without taking anything in, she tries to sleep and her mind just churns over and over. On top of that, the cancer nurse told her to stop taking her HRT immediately, so she's also suffering sudden menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, mood swings and exhaustion. I'm trying my best to stay peppy and upbeat for her, but occasionally I have to just go to my room and cry. My anxiety is, as you could guess, getting bad again. I'm having horrible graphic and vivid nightmares about my mum dying or suffering horribly. I wake up feeling less rested than when I go to sleep. But I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, it's so much worse for my mum and I have to stay strong for her.

The clinic appointment to find out how serious the cancer is and what treatment options are available is on Monday. I'm anxious to get the answers, but also dreading it. My mum also has to have another core biopsy done on Wednesday (for the lump on her other breast), which is ALSO the day that Jei is supposed to be going back to America - another thing I'm dreading. She's said that she'll stay here longer if I need her to, which I'm so grateful for, but I don't want to stop her from going back... she hasn't seen her family in a full year!

I got in touch with The Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton as it's one of the best Cancer Specialist hospitals in the UK and it's also near where my brother lives, so my mum could stay there if she had to. I also did some research into Nicolas Gallegos, who is the Breast Surgeon at Weston General if my mum elects to get treatment here in Weston instead. Just getting as much info as I can.

I'm stressed, tired and unhappy... but I think I'm coping. I have to. No matter what happens, I'm the one who has to be strong. My brother was great and came down for a couple of days, but he's gone again now. It's all me.

My mum's birthday is on July 11th. I got her the new Terry Pratchett book. I wish I could give her No Cancer.

Thanks everyone who responded on my last post(s). if I haven't replied yet, I will try my best to get around to it today. So sorry for the morbid content of my posts. I'm a horrible miseryguts anyway, aren't I, and this doesn't make it any better :P

I just realised something so fucked up that I actually laughed out loud when it occurred to me.

Friday 24th of June, next Friday, is the day I'm supposed to be travelling to London for Summer of Sonic.

I just realized that it's also the date of my mum's hospital appointment to see if the lumps in her breast are cancer.

I wanted to go to the hospital with her. I told her I would, before I realised (just now) that it clashed with London.

I know that when I tell her it's SoS weekend, she'll tell me to go to SoS, she'll INSIST, especially since my hotel is all booked and everything and I'm staffing. But how can I do that? And even if I do, how can I enjoy myself when I'm worrying myself sick about her?

I know there's an 80-90% chance that it's perfectly harmless. But I also know that my mum is scared, especially since some of the sampling procedures might be uncomfortable/painful. I know she'll be fine, but...

I don't know what the fuck to do.

It seems almost obvious to say "fuck SoS, I'm staying with my mum, she needs me", but I dunno if that'd be more stressful for her in the end... she'll get all upset about wasted money, and I know she'll blame herself for me not going and she'll feel guilty, no matter what I say. I don't know what to do, no sir I do not.

June 15th 2010 was the day that Miles first showed up. He didn't have a name, back then, and I had no idea who or what he was in relation to me. I know a little better now. So anyway, I guess that sort of makes this his birthday. It's as good a date as any. So, happy birthday, Miles. I'm sorry you had to spend it under less than ideal circumstances. I'm sure Scrog will buy you a drink and give you a solid punch in the arm when Jei gets back.

...

I kinda feel like a douche. Jei and Scrog and I all agreed that we should mark Miles' birthday somehow, since a year of existing is kinda sort of a landmark, and then real life got in the way. Luckily he seems to not really be bothered and would probably rather people not make a fuss about it... but I feel bad anyway.


In other news, I ordered Repo! The Genetic Opera from Amazon the other day. It wasn't supposed to arrive until at least Friday, but it showed up today, eee XD;; Bad movie is horrendously bad but good.

Zydrate come in a little glass vial
A little glass vial?!
(A little glass vial!)
And the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery
And the zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy
And when the gun goes off, it sparks, and you're ready for surgery
Surgery~

>_>;; The only time Paris Hilton has ever been anything even CLOSE to sexy. ... Can't believe I just typed that D:

Maceci says she'll do everything she can to help and support me in my endeavours to relocate to America... on the condition that I learn Spanish. Like, right now. She made me promise XD; She's started talking to me only in Spanish on Facebook... ahhhh. I think she expects me to know enough by August to hold a conversation with her in person D: ... Oh well. Here's my new challenge! >_>;;

Daniella and I exchanged a couple more messages on Facebook. She suggested that I come down to FL to visit them while I'm in America in August. Jei says she'll drive down with me and we can make it a fun road trip thing, and maybe stop at Myrtle Beach along the way because she's always wanted to take me there. The idea excites and thrills me, but also terrifies me. I hope I'll be able to muster up the courage to do that.

My mum is gone for the week. She's going to London to see my brother's end-of-year show at Uni, then she's off to Marrakesh until Sunday. I'm here alone, but Jei will hopefully be here on Thursday until Monday. I'm pretty anxious; I'm not good at being alone for too long, and the nights by myself scare me a little - I'm kind of afraid of the dark, as pathetic as that sounds, and my imagination plays tricks on me when it gets late and I'm by myself, even if I don't believe in ghosts and such.

My fears have been reflected in my dreams lately. The night before last I had a horrible nightmare about being in an apartment block where a murder had taken place and it was haunted. The place was all filthy and boarded up, and weird stuff kept happening. Things would move, there were faces in the windows, and a patch of freezing cold air just inside the door. When I finally stepped inside, the room was covered in blood, everywhere, all over the walls and floors.

Last night wasn't better. I had a nightmare about my brother and I fighting badly. I have these dreams pretty frequently. My brother and I were really close when we were little. We played together for hours and just had so much fun together. Then we moved from Wimbledon to the rougher Sutton and my brother fell in with the local chav kids and I became isolated after dropping out of school with panic attacks, and we just... grew apart, horribly. We started to fight and eventually we despised each other. We used to do such terrible things to each other with such spite and hatred. I'd destroy his belongings, he'd physically assault me, the police would get involved. It was a terrible time for us and for my poor mum who couldn't mediate between two such polar opposites. We no longer hate each other, both having grown up since, and of course no longer living in the same house... but I'll always regret how such a beautiful sibling relationship turned into such a violent horrorshow. In the dream, we were fighting like that again and I pushed him down the stairs and he broke his neck and my mum was just screaming and crying and screaming and... I woke up and it was 3am and I just couldn't get back to sleep because I was shaking and feeling sick and so I went downstairs and made myself a camomile tea and then just read for a bit.

I was wondering why I had that dream, because I've not really been thinking much about my brother lately... but then when I was typing this it occurred to me that maybe it has to do with my fear of inadequacy in meeting and getting to know my Colombian family. I dunno. Then I finally went back to sleep with the light on, and dreamed about blood-splattered buildings again, lol.

I'm also a little worried about my dad... he was supposed to have an operation on his eyes yesterday. It's just a minor one, for cataracts, but there's always a risk, especially with older people... and my dad is 83. I haven't heard from him yet and I don't have his number, so I guess I just have to wait.

I feel as though my life is defined by fear at the moment. Not the kind of moment-to-moment fear of being in an actual hostile environment, but the ever-present nebulous fear of tomorrow and beyond. Anxiety just doesn't let go. Sometimes it's not as bad, and I can function, and other times I can't do much at all because of the ice-cold panic gripping me, but it never really goes away. When I'm awake, or when I'm asleep, when I'm resting or being active, no matter what, it's there. I'm always just a few paces away from bursting into tears or yelling at someone. I've always been an anxious person and prone to depression, but it's never been this bad and for this long.

There's so much that I want to do, so many opportunities, such potential... but instead of being happy I just feel overwhelmed, terrified and not good enough.

Nnnguh, I'm having a bad day for anxiety, today. I had to go into town to sign in at the Job Centre and go to the doctor again. My mum and I had lunch at a café and I was pleasantly surprised when I could only manage one half of the panini before feeling totally full. Stomach must be getting used to the smaller portions. Even my mum, who's very critical about my weight, says I look pretty good right now and that I'm getting back to how I was when I was 'slim' ♥

Anyway, I made an appointment with the nurse to have my bloodwork done on Tuesday June 14th, which is a week and a half from now. I wish it were sooner, because I can't make an informed decision about anxiety medication until I rule out hyperthyroidism as a cause. It also means I won't get anything done and sorted before SoS, which is worrying me a fair bit, but I'll manage. I don't like having blood taken (who does?), but at least I'm no longer needle-phobic. I got over that a few years ago when I decided to go have all my jabs and vaccinations that I didn't have done when I was a child because I wouldn't let them near me with a needle ^^;

When I got home, I had one hell of a headache over my eyes, probably just the result of being out in the hot sun across the hottest part of the day, so I took a nap and fell into a pretty deep sleep. When I woke up, it was in the grips of a really nasty panic attack, which has subsided mostly now, but the anxiety never seems to really go away. I want to be free from it. One way or another, I will be eventually.

Miles is in a pretty melancholy and sort of morose mood this evening (holy hell, it's almost 10pm?!) after a Sonic'kin friend told me they'd possibly 'communicated' with Alicia briefly. I know Miles would really like to talk to her himself, but unfortunately we don't seem to have that kind of connection with 'other places'. We're very much static - here, now, with memories, identities and beliefs, but absolutely no 'abilities' to connect with other places or dimensions. Very human, very ordinary, no access to the amazing soulscapes and headworlds that a lot of my fic'kin and soulbonder friends seem to experience. I'm not envious, but I would love to know what it's like to feel actively connected to other places and people and things beyond one's singular mind. Oops, tangent. But yeah, if Miles would try to make other friends, he'd probably be less isolated... but he's not a 'people person' and really only seems to want to talk to Alicia. I miss my Sally too, but it's not the same. I'm more removed from that lifetime and the people I knew then, and I have a whole life built here. I wish I could make Alicia show up somehow, because I actually do give a damn about Miles (I have to for the sake of my own mental health :P). But still, he could make more of an effort, too.

I actually watched Britain's Got Talent for once this evening. All I can say is 'LOL'. The woman with the 'singing' dog, hahaha. And WTF was that eyeball guy all about? How did he even get to the semi-finals? The last two acts were class, though. I like traditional talent, and I also like Matrix-inspired stuff, even if it's overplayed by now... so... yeah. I feel bad, but the boys rapping about their grandpa kind of made me cringe. It's an awesome tribute, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't call one song redone twice and entirely rapped 'talent'. I dunno.

Ugh, it's actually too hot and stuffy in my room for once. Usually it's freezing in here and I'm shivering even with a sweater, blanket, slippers, hot water bottle and a hot mug of tea :P But today it's actually really close and humid. Tomorrow's supposed to be another scorcher (by UK June standards), but then the temperatures are going to drop from 24C to 17C and then 14C within the next couple of days. Boo!

I was talking to my mum in the car about the latest Doctor Who (POSSIBLE SPOILERS?) and I realised that the whole Amy-being-one-of-the-flesh-and-not-actually-Amy thing rang kind of familiar. Then I realised what it reminded me of - the arc in Archie Sonic where Mammoth Mogul captures Tails and uses him, in his Turbo form, as a power source. Meanwhile, he's replaced Tails with an identical clone with all Tails' memories and personality and physical traits, who has no idea that he's a clone. He continues to go with Sonic on missions, with no one any the wiser about the deception, until he starts having weird dreams leading him to the location where the real Tails is being held. And then Sonic has to make the heartbreaking decision to free the real Tails and destroy the perfectly innocent clone. Of course the story's not identical, but certain elements are so similar. In both cases, most of the cast are unaware of the deception, and the audience doesn't fully know either, but is given hints and clues (more so in Archie). Tails is drawn to the location of the real Tails via dreams, whereas Amy keeps seeing a window and the woman with the eye-patch hinting at the location of the real Amy. And in the end, both the Doctor and Sonic have to destroy the clone of their best friend, despite having full knowledge that the clone considers itself to be the real deal with all the same memories, emotions and fears. It's a story that's been done in many different mediums, and a powerful one... That arc in Archie hit me hard at the time, and I wrote a fic based on it, which is one of my very few completed pieces of Sonic fanfiction. That was a while ago, but the Doctor Who current storyline made me think about it all over again. Heh. It really is so true that there are no truly original ideas in fiction, and haven't been for thousands of years, but the quality of the telling of them is what makes them powerful. (I'm going to be really blasphemous here and say that I think Archie did it better, but that's mostly because I just didn't find the acting or script in The Rebel Flesh and The Almost People to be very believable or good, even if the concept of the two-parter itself was brilliant).

Oy, I've babbled on for far too long now :P Bye!

I had a really long talk with my mum, today, about... well... lots of things. I felt the sudden need to just tell her everything, because she's my mum and my head gets all crazy and I know she'll put me right. My mum is great because she's so loving but she's also brutally honest. She'd tell me if she was concerned or unhappy about something.

I started small, just telling her about some of my obsessive thoughts and feelings and the knots I'm tying myself in over the whole CBT and meds thing. I told her how I was afraid to go to CBT in case they found out about some of my more unusual thoughts and systems and preferences and tried to change THOSE. She assured me they would only help me change what I wanted to change, but she asked what kind of things.

So I started by telling her about some of the darker things I'm into, like torture and pain and cutting, and how I do it just 'cause I like it and not for any need to bleed or suffer or whatever. I just like how it feels and the sight of the blood. She was a bit unsure at first, but she said as long as I don't cut deep or become dependant on it, she doesn't see the harm. As far as the unsavoury interests go, she was completely unfazed, as I should guessed she would be. Like she said, lots of people have interests and fantasies that are macabre and/or unpleasant, or are taboo. But as long as a person would never ever try to actually hurt anyone (against their will) and no one gets exploited or abused, fantasy is a-ok.

So far, so cool. So I threw the big one at her. I told her about Miles. I explained how he's my alter-ego, with a different name to me, different personality, different way of speaking, different interests, different person. I told her how he started out as 'Anti-Tails' in the Sonic comic and then came to life and into his own personality here. I told her how we switch back and forth and how Jei has Scourge in her head too, and we see us all as four different people. I laid it out, said how Miles is basically an aspect of me with a life of his own, and then waited for her reaction.

My mum? Totally cool about Miles. She found him very interesting as a phenomenon, but it didn't worry her one bit. She said that as long as I don't feel possessed or controlled by him, and as long as I don't suffer memory blackouts or other signs of actual mental illness, then it's harmless and maybe even healthy because he's helped me in some ways with his different methods of coping with stuff. She basically said that as long as I keep my feet on the ground and don't let my head-life dominate my outside life, I have nothing to worry about. There's no reason to be concerned about having Miles around, and that the only thing I need CBT for is my anxiety about that kind of thing. if I can just stop worrying, then that's all! There's no real problems beyond the anxiety (and resulting depression).

I showed my mum a picture of Miles. Human form. Well. Human/vampire, since it's a scribble Scrog threw together for him in an afternoon for an MMORPG thing they're messing around on at the moment.
( Under the cut. )

My mum's reaction was predictably unpredictable. She said "Ooh, he's rather nice, actually. Quite tasty. I like him." Which almost had me rolling and had Miles quite uncomfortable and flummoxed. Then again, I'd forgotten my mum has a thing for sarky vampires. Lol, my mum. I love her.

She finished up by saying she actually felt better about me now that I'd told her, and that she reckons I think I'm far more messed up than I actually am. She's probably right. My only real problem is how big I blow things up in my head. It's really never as bad or shocking or horrible as I seem to think it is. Then she hugged me and said she loves us both, and made Miles uncomfortable all over again XD

I feel a little better now, and a bit more ready to face CBT if I can ever get around to it. Maybe I'll try the pills for a bit, to help level out my moods in the meantime. But I feel better now knowing that the only thing wrong with me is my anxiety and tendency to obsess and interrogate myself to death. I just need to learn to project outwards rather than inwards. And Miles doesn't need to go anywhere (not that I could budge him if I tried ♥).

As most of you guys know, I've been trying for some years to find a way to move to America to be with my fiancée, Jei. We can't marry, and employment doesn't seem likely as I'm unskilled. I'd thought my best shot was my half-sister who is an American citizen.

I finally got my half-sister's contact details and shot her an email. I'm really hoping I can meet her this summer, and that perhaps she'll be able to sponsor my Green Card application. My dad already talked to her and she seemed willing. Hopefully the language barrier won't be too much of a problem, as she doesn't speak much English and I speak very little Spanish. But we'll see if she responds.

However, in an unhappy bout of coincidence, someone sent me this flow chart today: http://reason.org/files/a87d1550853898a9b306ef458f116079.pdf

Can anyone tell me if the wait-times on it are anything close to accurate? Because if it takes 6 - 14 years just to PROCESS the application for a sibling sponsorship to Green Card level, and another 6 to get the citizenship... I think I'm just going to curl up and die. Looking at that chart makes me feel like I've been shot in the stomach. ._.;