Self-indulgent pity partying... move along

[flyboy_fox]

I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless and a little scared. It just seems like it's not going to get better.

I've been having a bad relapse of depression and anxiety for a while, but it's gotten worse and I've been struggling just to stay afloat. I hoped maybe it would pass in time, especially with summer almost here now, but it's not going anywhere. I don't know what's worse, the panic attacks, the depression, or just the almost permanent sick anxious feeling in my gut and throat. I want so badly to look forward to the wonderful things that are coming up; Summer of Sonic, travelling to America to possibly meet my half-sister, going on that amazing nine-night cruise... but every single one of them fills me with dread and guilt.

So I finally manned up enough to go back to the doctor today. I hoped maybe I could get a referral for CBT, since I've heard so many good things about CBT. I really need to learn how to put these obsessive thoughts out of my mind and stop obsessing and destroying myself. So, CBT would be great. But there is no way I can afford to go privately, even with sliding-scales/mean-tested approaches. Even if I could, the closest private clinic is in Taunton, much too far away. So that only leaves the NHS. Which has a minimum wait of three months for referrals. Three months. I can't... three months.

The doctor was so nice... she was really kind and understanding and couldn't apologise enough for the fact that there was nothing sooner. She didn't try to force pills on me, but she said that they might help in the meantime, and she prescribed me Venlalic XL (Venlafaxine) 75mg. It's an SNRI used to treat depression and generalised anxiety disorder. It also looks evil. A quick bit of internet research comparing it to the last pill I was on (Escitalopram aka Cipralex) shows that the side-effects are more than twice as common, and coming off it is a bitch. Even missing one dose seems to have some pretty nasty withdrawal effects. I'm terrified of taking this pill, because I'm scared of the side-effects and because I don't want it to be difficult to come off from... but the thought of continuing the way I feel right now is just as frightening.

I know I'm the only person who can decide what to do, but it feels like there's no winning here. At the risk of whining horribly, I just want to feel better. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. But those pills might make me feel worse.

Comments

[private-enemy.livejournal.com]

(big giant hug) I know we've already talked about this, but I figured I'd say something regardless. That's no fair, you know as well as I do letting this out on LJ is far from self-indulgent. If it can help you in any way then you should do it.

It's breaking my heart to see you go through this. :( I wish I could offer some sound advice, but I have no medical expertise. Like you said though, there has to be an end to it eventually. There has to be. We have to believe that.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Hugs:: Thanks. We'll both get through this rough patch, and I'm sure we can help each other to stay motivated and not give up even when things feel horribly bleak. Thanks for caring and being there even when you're feeling bad yourself. It means a lot to have a friend who understands and cares so much (:

[eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm really glad you were able to find a helpful doctor. Three months is a long time, but consider this: you've gone this long without any hope of help, right? So to get through another 3 months knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel will be easier.

Would your doctor be willing to prescribe a different medication? You might do some research and go back to her with a request for a specific type of medication.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's true... it's been this long without help. I'm just afraid that it's getting worse. Each day seems harder than the last. But that might just be mental fatigue over how 'the same' every day seems to be rather than it actually being worse.

I'm sure she'd prescribe something different if I asked, but all strong medications that target both depression and anxiety seem to come with a whole plethora of bad side-effects and withdrawal difficulties, I suppose just by their brain-chemical-altering nature. I might try calling her and talking about it, though. I'm not happy that this particular drug is linked to migraines, which I already get.

::Hug:: Thanks.

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

I have several friends with depression or other 'disorders'. Some have chosen to take pills and others haven't. Some have tried and found the right one, others gave up after a little while. You're the only one who can make this decision and I wish you the best of luck in making it. If you can afford to, I'd suggest filling the prescription. Even if you decide not to take it, it will be there for you in case you change your mind.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I do have the prescription filled and sitting on my desk. I'm supposed to start taking it immediately and then go back in two weeks to see how I'm coping with the side-effects and also to make sure my blood pressure hasn't been raised by it. I have to go down to Bournemouth to help Jei move out of the apartment this weekend, so I think I'll wait at least until after then, though, so that I can have a week or so with no responsibilities in which to ride out the side effects if they're nasty.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Oh shmoo ;_; I know I haven't been around much lately, but you know I'm here and I care so much and love you so much. We'll get through this together, I promise. I hate that things seem so hopeless, but I don't think that you're gonna be stuck in this state all summer. You've kinda been living in a psudo-winter the past few weeks -- alone all day, every day in a house that's colder than the outdoors, under bleak overcast skies. Maybe that's not the sole cause, but you WERE improving while you were still here in Bournemouth with me where it was sunny and warm. You were hardly getting anxious anymore and you were happy and very much looking forward to the future. Then as soon as you went back to Bleadon, the sun vanished and you were alone for the majority of the day, you began to sink back down. I know I'm no psychologist but I don't think the depression is only tied to when it's 'officially' winter. I think it's very much tied into a number of factors that when they all combine, send you into a tailspin.

I'm wary, as Scrog was, about taking the pills. I think you should see how things are not just after the move but after the half term with your mom. See if days of sun and company help. If it turns out that this summer is gonna be a particularly cool and cloudy one, then maybe the pills will be your only option if it stays this bad. But lets just give this next week or so a shot. At least you'll get to see me in person for a little bit and we can talk about it better.

I know I don't suffer from all this and I can't get right in your head.. but I love you and I want the best for you. I'll do everything I can in the meantime.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I know you've not been 'at the front', moo, but I know you've been there ;_; Tankuu... I know there's something to be said for the amount of isolation and loneliness and its effect on me.

I'll definitely wait 'til after the weekend to start the pills, but I really shouldn't wait any longer than that if I want them to have any effect (and for the side-effects to wane) before Summer of Sonic. Ugh, decisions...

[eileanach.livejournal.com]

Hey the point of your own personal blog is to write anything down, be self-indulgent all you like (Although what you are doing is not self indulgent at all!).

Be strong man! -hugs-

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks ::Hug:: It's appreciated (: