(no subject)

[flyboy_fox]

So, I'm alone in my house again right now, because Jei's gone back to Bournemouth one last time... for her Graduation. It was the hardest decision to make, her going alone. Before all the cancer stuff, the plan was that my mum was going to drive Jei and I there and my mum and I would be in the audience in place of Jei's parents, who couldn't make it from over in America. But my mum, understandably of course, is in no fit state to drive all that way (it's about three hours in the car). She felt so guilty about it, she was almost in tears, even though Jei and I told her over and over again that it was fine and that she just needs to rest and take care of herself. So then there was the idea of me going with Jei and us staying in a hotel room, but after we talked it over, we both agreed that I shouldn't leave my mum alone here. And then, also, if Jei goes alone she can stay at her Uni friend's house overnight and save us the cost of a hotel. I guess it makes sense, but my heart feels heavy and my gut feels sick. Jei won't have any guests in the audience when she graduates with her astounding first class honours degree tomorrow. I'll watch on the streaming webcam with my mum, but... yeah. I just feel really sad and guilty.

My mum is coping okay, but as you can imagine it's been hard. She's so strong, and she tries to occupy herself... but every now and then she breaks down in tears and says she can't deal with this and she's so afraid. She says that she can't do anything... She tries to watch a movie and she can't pay attention, she tries to read a book and her eyes just travel down the page without taking anything in, she tries to sleep and her mind just churns over and over. On top of that, the cancer nurse told her to stop taking her HRT immediately, so she's also suffering sudden menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, mood swings and exhaustion. I'm trying my best to stay peppy and upbeat for her, but occasionally I have to just go to my room and cry. My anxiety is, as you could guess, getting bad again. I'm having horrible graphic and vivid nightmares about my mum dying or suffering horribly. I wake up feeling less rested than when I go to sleep. But I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, it's so much worse for my mum and I have to stay strong for her.

The clinic appointment to find out how serious the cancer is and what treatment options are available is on Monday. I'm anxious to get the answers, but also dreading it. My mum also has to have another core biopsy done on Wednesday (for the lump on her other breast), which is ALSO the day that Jei is supposed to be going back to America - another thing I'm dreading. She's said that she'll stay here longer if I need her to, which I'm so grateful for, but I don't want to stop her from going back... she hasn't seen her family in a full year!

I got in touch with The Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton as it's one of the best Cancer Specialist hospitals in the UK and it's also near where my brother lives, so my mum could stay there if she had to. I also did some research into Nicolas Gallegos, who is the Breast Surgeon at Weston General if my mum elects to get treatment here in Weston instead. Just getting as much info as I can.

I'm stressed, tired and unhappy... but I think I'm coping. I have to. No matter what happens, I'm the one who has to be strong. My brother was great and came down for a couple of days, but he's gone again now. It's all me.

My mum's birthday is on July 11th. I got her the new Terry Pratchett book. I wish I could give her No Cancer.

Thanks everyone who responded on my last post(s). if I haven't replied yet, I will try my best to get around to it today. So sorry for the morbid content of my posts. I'm a horrible miseryguts anyway, aren't I, and this doesn't make it any better :P

Comments

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

*leaves big hugs* Discovering these things is terrifying. While modern medicine has come a long way, we still don't really have a "cure" for cancer. The treatments are terrifying and very difficult to get through (as I mentioned, my MIL has cancer).

I would write emails back and forth with my MIL, but I really wish I could have been there to help her during chemo. Although, the truth is there really isn't much that can be done to help them through that time other than make sure they drink fluids and just generally be there for them.

Know that it is okay for your mum to cry when she needs to. It's also okay for you to cry when you need to. It's stressful and painful emotionally to deal with this.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thanks. I'm dreading the thought of my mum having to have chemo. I know that despite all the best care and anti-nausea drugs and whatever, it's still going to make her feel incredibly sick and weak for a long time. It doesn't help that I am actually emetophobic, heh... but I'll find a way to deal. It's for my mum.

My mum and I were actually talking the other day about the fact that cancer doesn't ever really have a 'cure'. Once you have it, you're a cancer patient for life... even if you go into successful long-term remission, there's always the chance that it might come back. It's never guaranteed gone.

Also, it's looking almost certain that at least one breast will have to be completely removed. It's major surgery :\

I know it's okay for me to cry, but I don't want to do it in front of her. People's reactions (her colleagues at work cried when she told them) are scaring her enough. That's why I'm terrified of Jei going back to America, because I quite literally have NO other friends and family who live even remotely close to me ._.

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear they will have to remove for certain one of her breasts. Aside from the fact that it is major surgery, how does she feel about that? I know for some people like my MIL her breasts are very important to her, while a former co-worker of mine told me the removal of her breasts wasn't a big deal. Besides the physical recovery, there may be some emotional and mental recovery that will need to be addressed. -I hope I don't come across as being pushy or anything. I'm just trying to present things that may come up so you can be prepared.-

I understand not wanting to cry in front of your mother. I spent most of my life being the strong one for my younger sisters. I wish I was closer so I could help. All I can do is offer my e-hugs and texts here. :(

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

She's actually okay about the aesthetic repercussions of losing at least one breast. Like me, she's very flat-chested anyway and dresses in a boyish manner. She's even outright said to me that the prospect of losing a breast means nothing to her if it means stopping the spread of cancer. I think she's far more worried about the cancer spreading, and the amount/length/severity of the treatment she'll have to go through.

Don't worry about not being able to be here; just having people to talk to like this means the world to me ♥

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Given the situation, I'd say it's pretty normal to be a "miseryguts". I'm at home caring for my mum now, even though all she had was knee replacement surgery, and that's probably nowhere near as drastic. It's disheartening to both her, and myself, when I have to do all the little things (such as going out to town today to sort out her prescription) that she's frustrated not being able to do.

I may not be able to offer much in terms of advice, but I seriously do not mind a mobile phone call or text if you just need a listening ear. I'd come down to keep you company, but after SoS, I'm pretty much skint till September. :(

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I hope your mum is able to get mobile again soon, Jade (: I send my best wishes to her for a speedy recovery.

I know you'd come down and visit if you could, but it's the thought that counts. So, thank you ^^

[sukishadow.livejournal.com]

I honestly just want to come over there and give you both the biggest glomphug right now. I can imagine how your mum is feeling, like there's a big scary monster looming over her all the time and it's scaring her too much to do anything. But no matter how big and scary the monster gets, she can always fight, and while she can fight there's a chance she can win. It puts a lot of pressure on you too, and you're being so incredibly brave. I don't think I'd be able to do what you're doing right now, so hold on in there. I'll be rooting for you!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks (: Well, a cyber-glomphug is almost as good as a real one ♥

I don't think I'm being brave yet... I don't yet know how serious it is and how bad it could get. When we get the in-depth results on Monday and my mum finds out exactly how invasive it is and what treatment options she has... well... then maybe I'll have to be brave ^^;

[(Anonymous)]

u can get through this, u are strong and logical.
please smack that sertraline.
it is excellent for emotional lability and panic.
do make contact with the macmillan or other services
they will have counsellors on call to help both you and mum
give them a call, ask them advice, ask them, what should i say, what should i not.
u will find them to be quite simply amazing.

as for you to help your mum, your best thing to do is show your mum that you can fend without her. thus u must show strength to her, and that in turn will give her the opportunity to focus on her self and look after herself rather than worrying about you.

if u two are all she has then the effect of what is beyond her control will have on her is a terrible load. so i say, you must seek support from counsellors, and provide support for your mum

i am releived to hear that nurses have withdrawn HRT.
clonidine helps with hot flushes. if she doesnt fancy the mega strong coffee supplement for cancer, then she could consider cutting out the caffeine all together as it precipitates hot flushes.

A, mate, i remember V. singing about buses wheels as a form of weapon and crowd control is unusual and similarly, when it comes to responsibility is a lone wolf. she may have been guarding you and J from lifes problems, but now that is becoming less achievable, she will likely find it hard to deal with. an additional lack of control. it
might be hard for her to accept your help as a sprog. she has fended for u and j alone for what, 17 years now

as she has up until recently been trying to 'guide' your life, your weight etc for you. so amongst other things, this may be a time of additional transition, one where you are promoted from whom she looks out for, to someone who looks after her.
it may be dramatic and rapid, but u must show to her that u are capable of running the situation in her absence, and that will releive her. then you can help her by comforting her. then she will be in the capable hands of the doctors, and like i say, the chemo is good.

for nausea, metoclopramide (which can cause tremor) facilitates gastric emptying away from the stomach.

cannabis is a true marvel, I jest you not.
dont fuck about, ask the GP or the pain clinic nurse. marinol is for ms i think, u might be able to get it off-license.

then there is bucastem (prochlorprazamine), which is mild, but common.

do not allow yourself to become isolated. everyday, give yourself you time. u cannot look after others when you do not look after yourself. not that im saying u are not looking after your self.


please also have faith in the chemo.
dont dread it at all. chemo is not what it once was.

-P

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD Okay, so there are clues there, right? I'm supposed to figure out who you are, I guess... someone who's known me a while? Or used to know me? Or... I dunno and it's driving me crazy :P

Anyway, yeah, I was thinking about giving Macmillan a try, but I figured maybe I'd wait until after Monday when we know what kind of cancer and treatment we're dealing with.

I really don't know about taking anything myself... especially asking for something by name. I already have two boxes of Venlafaxine that I haven't yet opened... I'm afraid that even if they can help with the anxiety and depression, the initial side-effects will be a real pain to deal with. Also it's apparently very hard to come off from. I don't know if it's the same with others, but I just dunno if it's a good idea.

Anyway, we'll cope, somehow (: Thanks again.

[(Anonymous)]

i've emailed u
don't want to make u crazy

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

A little late for that. I'm already quite crazy :P But thank you ♥

[canadino.livejournal.com]

I really hope your mom gets better!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much (: I have faith that she will. Sorry for my posts being such a lot of depressingness so soon after you friended me ^^; I'm not always so miserable-sounding, honest! ♥

[p1nk5pider.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It'll definitely be a tough road from here on out, as i'm sure you already know. Just remember that you have people to turn to for support whenever you need it.
I'll be keeping your mum in my thoughts and best wishes. *hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Many thanks *hugs* It's appreciated.