Next on the list of things I didn't expect to happen today...

[flyboy_fox]

I had a really long talk with my mum, today, about... well... lots of things. I felt the sudden need to just tell her everything, because she's my mum and my head gets all crazy and I know she'll put me right. My mum is great because she's so loving but she's also brutally honest. She'd tell me if she was concerned or unhappy about something.

I started small, just telling her about some of my obsessive thoughts and feelings and the knots I'm tying myself in over the whole CBT and meds thing. I told her how I was afraid to go to CBT in case they found out about some of my more unusual thoughts and systems and preferences and tried to change THOSE. She assured me they would only help me change what I wanted to change, but she asked what kind of things.

So I started by telling her about some of the darker things I'm into, like torture and pain and cutting, and how I do it just 'cause I like it and not for any need to bleed or suffer or whatever. I just like how it feels and the sight of the blood. She was a bit unsure at first, but she said as long as I don't cut deep or become dependant on it, she doesn't see the harm. As far as the unsavoury interests go, she was completely unfazed, as I should guessed she would be. Like she said, lots of people have interests and fantasies that are macabre and/or unpleasant, or are taboo. But as long as a person would never ever try to actually hurt anyone (against their will) and no one gets exploited or abused, fantasy is a-ok.

So far, so cool. So I threw the big one at her. I told her about Miles. I explained how he's my alter-ego, with a different name to me, different personality, different way of speaking, different interests, different person. I told her how he started out as 'Anti-Tails' in the Sonic comic and then came to life and into his own personality here. I told her how we switch back and forth and how Jei has Scourge in her head too, and we see us all as four different people. I laid it out, said how Miles is basically an aspect of me with a life of his own, and then waited for her reaction.

My mum? Totally cool about Miles. She found him very interesting as a phenomenon, but it didn't worry her one bit. She said that as long as I don't feel possessed or controlled by him, and as long as I don't suffer memory blackouts or other signs of actual mental illness, then it's harmless and maybe even healthy because he's helped me in some ways with his different methods of coping with stuff. She basically said that as long as I keep my feet on the ground and don't let my head-life dominate my outside life, I have nothing to worry about. There's no reason to be concerned about having Miles around, and that the only thing I need CBT for is my anxiety about that kind of thing. if I can just stop worrying, then that's all! There's no real problems beyond the anxiety (and resulting depression).

I showed my mum a picture of Miles. Human form. Well. Human/vampire, since it's a scribble Scrog threw together for him in an afternoon for an MMORPG thing they're messing around on at the moment.



My mum's reaction was predictably unpredictable. She said "Ooh, he's rather nice, actually. Quite tasty. I like him." Which almost had me rolling and had Miles quite uncomfortable and flummoxed. Then again, I'd forgotten my mum has a thing for sarky vampires. Lol, my mum. I love her.

She finished up by saying she actually felt better about me now that I'd told her, and that she reckons I think I'm far more messed up than I actually am. She's probably right. My only real problem is how big I blow things up in my head. It's really never as bad or shocking or horrible as I seem to think it is. Then she hugged me and said she loves us both, and made Miles uncomfortable all over again XD

I feel a little better now, and a bit more ready to face CBT if I can ever get around to it. Maybe I'll try the pills for a bit, to help level out my moods in the meantime. But I feel better now knowing that the only thing wrong with me is my anxiety and tendency to obsess and interrogate myself to death. I just need to learn to project outwards rather than inwards. And Miles doesn't need to go anywhere (not that I could budge him if I tried ♥).

Comments

[inkedfeathers.livejournal.com]

Y-your mama sounds interesting, Jai. ^^; But I love the fact that you could tell her everything and how understanding she sounds!

That's SUCH a cool drawing, though! I love the lighting and that little... what is it, a pocketwatch? Compass? Whatever it is, it's so cool!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

My mum is fantastic. She has her odd little neuroses, like the one about my weight, and she's a workaholic who never takes any time for herself... but I can tell her absolutely anything and she'll listen and give her honest opinion, gently but without sugar-coating.

Yeah, the pocket-watch is a lovely touch. I think it's probably loosely based on the photo of the actual one I have that I posted in my journal a while back. I dunno how Jei and Scrog can turn out a piece of art like that in the space of a couple of hours whilst also talking online and working on a sculpture... @_@ Curse you, artsy people! Except artsy people are lovely because they draw stuff for non-artsy people like me ^^;

[inkedfeathers.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I remember the weight thing. ^^;

Oh, wow, that does sound cool!

-pouts- Don't curse us!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'd never mean it ^^ Yaaaay! I love how your signature is an actual little doodle of a bird XD That's the most awesome sig ever.

[inkedfeathers.livejournal.com]

♥

Hee, thank you! I've started using it in my new submissions for The Neopian Times... and it stuck. xD

[aubergine-pilot.livejournal.com]

WE ARE STILL NOT IN CINCINNATI

BUT WE HAVE THAT DESK-THING STILL

and holy hannah, he looks just how Lee'd pictured him. 0_0

Really really super-glad everything worked out! Your mom sounds like she's pretty awesome.

-between Emil and Lee

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm gonna be in the UK until some time in the beginning of August, so if we can sort out the desk thing before then it would be great (: Then I'm in America for three months, then presumably back here again. I'm happy to PayPal you any time.

Hah, I think Miles is glad that he looks like Lee imagined, as a human. Even if he wasn't actually human in that life.

Yeah, my mum is great when she's not stressing out unnecessarily about stuff. It's a huge weight off my chest to have told her ♥

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

Your mom ♥

and okay, crap, Miles does look tasty

totally trying not to sound creepy cause I know he's like your alter-ego ahahahaha

I AM TOTALLY FAITHFUL

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

My mum ♥ She is wonderful.

And LOL! It's okay XD Blame it on Scrog's art skills. He managed to make Miles look good, even with his trademark "You disgust me" sneer on his face.

OH DAMN. Seeing you here, Mel, reminds me that I totally forgot to answer about the charity thing... ._. Things spiralled downhill and I just forgot. I guess people's donations can carry over. I feel horrible that I never did them. Bad Jai.

[private-enemy.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you could get all that off your chest, and that you're feeling a bit better. <3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks (: It's amazing how much in can help just to confide in someone close and have them not freak out. I'm feeling very anxious and sick this morning, but less depressed, so that's a start. As soon as I get the severe anxiety under control, I'll be good to go. I hope you're doing all right ♥

[alycus.livejournal.com]

Glad to see your mum is open about this. Currently I haven't even revealed anything that I've started writing, to my mum or whole family for that matter. Though that's really more my problem than anyone else.

Also, your reports on Miles sometimes remind a bit of the character God/Dog from the Dead Money DLC of Fallout New Vegas. Here: http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Dog_and_God

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my mum was really great. I hope you feel able to show some of your writing to someone eventually. Well, as long as you want to.

Haha XD Lol. I hope my dynamic with Miles isn't quite as schizophrenic and disturbing as Dog and God XD;;;

[alycus.livejournal.com]

You can be the first if you want. My handle on fanfiction.net is Exploder. Thanks.

And yeah, I think you should be quite a bit better than God/Dog...

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Ah, your stuff is up on fanfiction.net? I'll definitely have to check it out. Thanks for that (:

[alycus.livejournal.com]

Hmm, not sure about you, but I am unable to find my own profile by searching for author on ff.net. How screwed up is that?

The story name is Sonic Concepts. Enjoy, and thanks.

[eileanach.livejournal.com]

Your mum is amazing, she is very understanding and made this whole situation so easy for you, that is great!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I really am lucky to have such a patient, understanding and open-minded yet grounded mum who I can talk to... ♥

[sukishadow.livejournal.com]

That's great how your mum was fine about Miles and everything. I dunno how I'd ever tell my mother about Cobb, Shadow and the Doctor, I don't think she'd really understand. Daamn I wish I could have your mother, it's amazing how she's just dealing with you're going through so calmly. Are you feeling any better in yourself now that you've told someone else about this? Well done for doing it - it takes a lot of guts to confess things like that to the people around you, so kudos to you for that :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I didn't think that she would understand, which is why I hadn't told her until now. It's been almost exactly a year since Miles showed up, and I guess I just wanted to be open with my mum about him, since my mum and I are really close and talk about pretty much everything. Still, she tends to be very scientifically-minded, and so I was afraid she'd tell me I was just crazy or that believing in that sort of thing is bad for my health. So, I was pleasantly surprised. And yeah, it did make me feel a little better (:

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Your mom is just too awesome. She was so cool about it... I'm so glad you talked to her about it. Gah... XD and he reaction to the pic is priceless! The vampire lover! Aww... well it's awesome. She's a very good mom n.n I love her.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

She's very good. It was great how she reacted... Although I don't know why she's somehow kinda blaming me for the speeding points she got in Bournemouth x.x I don't recall her speeding at all, especially with how nervous she's been since her tire blew out... but if she DID, I don't see how it's my fault ;_; I guess she's just stressed because her half-term is over and she didn't really get any break.