Merry Christmas, everyone! (:

I just got back from the Christmas Dinner my mum makes for us every year and it was as epic as ever. Turkey AND duck, plus sausage meat, stuffing balls, pigs in blankets, goose-fat roasted potatoes and sweet potatoes, red cabbage and chestnuts, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, apple sauce and gravy and a few other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting XD Plus cava, red wine, and pear cider to choose from. And then for dessert, a choice of apple strudel, mince pies, or stollen, with custard and/or vanilla ice-cream. XD I am STUFFED. My mum's Christmas meal is one thing I look forward to every year, and this year she was afraid that it wouldn't be as good because she hadn't planned it out so well, but it was epic and she outdid herself in every single way ♥ I love you, Mum.

Now, our family situation has been pretty tight this year, so I wasn't expecting any gifts at all... so I was incredibly touched that my mum got my brother and I some little gifts anyway. I got some gel activated hand warmers, a little diary and pen, a bar of 70% dark chocolate, and... haaa... a Snuggie XD The best part of the Snuggie is that my mum didn't even get it ironically or as a gag gift. It's awesome. I love my Snuggie.

I gave my brother three books about Advertising, Brand Management and Copywriting, since he asked for a book on that, and he was very very happy with my choices. He didn't give me a physical gift but went one step beyond and promised me £100 towards the new computer that I desperately need. It makes me extremely happy that my brother and I are able to get along so well now after all the years of hatred and being at each other's throats. Being able to have Christmas together like this is wonderful.

And then there's my dad. Like my brother, I hadn't seen him in over a year. It's good to see him... he's going to be 83 in February, and while his health is good now, I don't know how many more years I'll have with him in my life. We've never seen eye-to-eye, and there's already been some tension due to the ridiculously racist things he comes out with sometimes, but I'm trying to just calmly disagree and not let it escalate. He was raised a certain way in a very different time and culture, and while his views may anger me, I don't want to let it completely discolour my memories of him. All I wish for is peace in this household while we're all here together for a week or so.

Miles has once again managed to have more money spent on him than anyone else XD; But the things he got were good gifts, I guess. Scrog send him a Christmas gift which was actually remarkably thoughtful... it was a 70cl bottle of triple distilled 40% vol vodka, a blend made from molasses so it's sweeter and more mellow/less sharp than the usual. But the cool thing about it was the custom label that Scrog ordered it with. Miles was extremely happy with it.

He also got something which he picked out but which I guess we're sort of sharing, which is pretty awesome. The Queen's Jubilee Atlas of the British Empire. Not a reprint or copy, but the actual book which was published in 1887. It's in amazingly good condition, and still bears on the inside cover in pencil the name of the school it belonged to and the date 1895. It's really kinda cool to browse through a book that was produced some 125 years ago. The best part of it was that Miles found it for £32 and he'd seen copies in far worse shape selling for upwards of £300... so it was a bargain.

And last but not least by a long stretch, Jei toiled near solidly for about four days to get a picture finished for me which I'm going to use for publicity material for our Steampunk webcomic 'Calamity!', which has been a project of ours for around a year now and is finally on the cusp of going live, hopefully at the start of the New Year. I'm so excited about it! It's just really falling into place, and oddly enough Miles and Scrog have shown a bit of interest and have been helping out a little too. It's kind of the first thing the four of us have ever managed to sort of work together cohesively on, so that's kind of a landmark in itself n.n

Anyway, I'll wrap this up now. I'll probably post again before the New Year, but I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas and hope that you're all doing as well as you can be, whatever your circumstances. Even if I haven't posted here much lately, I still think about all of you a lot and hope you're doing all right ♥ Ciao for now!

I've been absent for a while, I know ^^; I've been trying to get my life in check, trying to make some progress since the appointment I had at The Priory in Bristol. I'll copy over what I said on SSMB so that I don't have to type out the TL;DR twice XD Sorry for th formatting weirdness.

--
I dropped out of school when I was 14 due to complex
issues and at that time I was slapped with a diagnosis of Asperger's
Syndrome (a mild form of autism for anyone who doesn't know). Yes, it
accounted for some of my issues: my sensory integration problems,
particularly, and my mild dyspraxia. Perhaps also my 'obsessions'. But I
never felt that the label fully fit me. I'm not a very social person
and I didn't have many friends as a kid, but I've never had the 'theory
of mind' difficulties that autistic people are supposed to have. I can
perfectly well understand emotions in other people, I like to think that
I'm quite empathic, I have no problems with sarcasm, puns, irony and
other subtleties in language. I've never spoken in a stiff or rigid way
and had no delay or peculiarities in language as a child. I have
obsessions, yes, but they don't dominate my life, I don't talk about
them incessantly around people who aren't involved in them (or even
those who are), or try to push them on anyone. The whole social/theory
of mind issues that are supposed to be the hallmark of Asperger's
Syndrome just don't exist in me. Yet I stuck with the label for 13 years
because it was the only one that seemed to even come close to
explaining the problems I've had all my life.

Funnily enough, the new diagnosis my psychiatrist gave me is one that my
oooold clinical psychologist tried to give me many years ago at the
same time as the AS diagnosis, but it just didn't seem possible so my
mum and I both laughed it off and refused to even consider it. Now it's
come up again and I'm left thinking 'if only we'd listened back then'.

My new shrink suggested that I have what used to be called ADD and is
now called ADHD-PI. That is to say, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder - Predominantly Inattentive. Back when it was first suggested
to me, every child and their dog was being diagnosed with AD(H)D and we
thought my psychologist was just jumping on the bandwagon. But after I
got home this time around, I looked it up and I just burst into tears. It
fits me to a tee. The zoning out in class that made me have to get
tested for absence seizures. The way I couldn't think unless I got up
and started pacing. My inability to remember anything if
I don't do it immediately. My lack of ability to focus on projects or
long-term assignments. My chronic disorganisation despite hating mess.
My hatred of movies because it takes me so long to get into them. The
way my brain never seems to calm down. My sleep problems. My surges of
frighteningly violent temper despite being a generally peaceful person.
The fact that I've failed at so many jobs and college courses despite
having the intellectual capability for them. My horrendous timekeeping.
My chronic procrastination issues. The stupid mistakes I used to make in
school, such as "2+3=6", and my inability to ever (even now!) learn my
multiplication tables despite hours of practise - yet having very good
process understanding of maths. Even my severe anxiety and depression
issues. All of these things make SO much more sense with an ADHD-PI
diagnosis.

So, I'm not autistic. I just have Adult ADHD-PI. It's a relief, in a
way. Not because there's anything bad about having Asperger's (and I
definitely still have traits of it, such as the
sensory issues), but it never fully explained everything, and it's never
ever properly fit. No one I have talked to has ever said I seemed
'Aspie' and most of them refused to believe I had it even when I told
them. So this... this just fits so much better.

The only problem now is whether I can get the medication to help with
it. In the UK, medication for ADHD is only fully regulated for use in
children and adolescents, because it's only recently that it's been
acknowledged that ADHD exists in adults. It was believed to be only a
childhood condition because in adults the 'hyperactivity' component
(which is perhaps the most easily recognisable element) tends to
diminish and become less obvious - an internal restlessness. It's
accepted now, but no major trials for the medication in adults has yet
been completed. GPs can prescribe stimulant
medication (which has a 70% success rate in preliminary trials in
treating the symptoms) on the advice of a psychiatrist, but they are
often unwilling to. I hope my doctor will agree to, because going by the
private prescription route will be expensive @_@

Anyway, I'm just glad to finally know what's 'wrong' with me, that it's
treatable, and that it finally fits. It's overwhelming, after all this
time, and a little disorienting... but also a massive relief ^^; The
funny thing is that it often happens that people with Asperger's
Syndrome are misdiagnosed with AD(H)D. It doesn't often happen the other
way around.
--

So that's the sitch.

Thanks for supporting me and putting up with my angst last post, guys (:

Today is a bit of a better day. It was actually sunny and even sort of warm, and it had a positive effect on both my mum and me. She felt well enough to go out in the garden and do some light gardening. I did the heavy stuff with the shears and branches etc because she can't put strain on her left side at all. But then I got freaked out by a giant spider and so Miles had to take over and finish the job. D'oh. I should get him to do all my chores (he says he already does, ha). He does have better work ethic than me, I guess. But I should get on with stuff too.

Speeeaking of which, I'm going to be selling about 90% of my Sonic stuff, which I might have mentioned earlier, I forget. I need money pretty badly at this time, being in rather a lot of debt, so I've decided to just bite the bullet and get rid of everything that doesn't have intense sentimental value. I'll probably put a post up on SSMB and maybe SonicStuff LJ community first to give people here and there first pickings, and then the rest will go up on eBay. I should be able to make a few hundred pounds if all goes well and if I can be ruthless enough ^^;

I also really want to get some solid work done on 'Calamity!', the steampunk web-comic Jei and I have been working on for a while now. I might make a post about it soon, to get some feedback from you guys about what we have so far. It's exciting and fun! If I can focus on positive stuff like that, it should help to get through the not-so-good days as they come.

Still looking for work, too, but most of the jobs around here really require a car and I do not have a car. Such is the downside of living in a tiny remote village ;_; There's a couple of things in the nearest town worth trying for, though, and there's always the hope of seasonal work at this time of year.

Well, that's it, I guess. Just wanted to say thanks for hearing me out before, and that I'm doing all right.

Happy Hallowe'en!!

Miles was going to post this, 'cause it was an idea that he and Scrog had initially, but he doesn't have very many people on his journal yet, and I want everyone to see it so... yeah. He can still post it to his journal if he wants but I'm posting it here first :P Scrog carved a pumpkin for Hallowe'en and this is it.



Alex DeLarge,of Kubrick's take on Anthony Burgess' 'A Clockwork Orange'. Although maybe 'A Clockwork Pumpkin' is more apt? :P

Anyways, Jei and Scrog have been without power or phone/internet service since Saturday due to the major snowstorm that hit the east cost of the US at the weekend, and the guys in charge are saying it could be Wednesday or later before service gets restored D: I've been keeping in touch with them by text, but DAT PHONEBILL. I'm kinda sad because I usually spend Hallowe'en doofing with Jei on Second Life or at least derping it up on Skype, but oh well. They have a generator at least, so they're not gonna freeze or anything. It's just kind of sucky and I hope the family gets it back soon. This is the second major outage they've had in a couple of months, the last one being Hurricane Irene, which I was there for :D;;

As for me, I'm trying to get stuff moving over here. I'm signing back on at the Job Centre on Wednesday, and then going to a volunteer meeting on Thursday, and in the meanwhile I've been applying for jobs, paid and voluntary. It's hard enough to even get volunteer work at the moment with so many people out of work, but hopefully some seasonal/Xmas work is coming up?

Okay, gonna bail now so Miles can keep doing... whatever the heck he's doing. Taking over my life, I think D: Nah, it's cool. Catch ya later, guys! Happy Halloweeeeeee'en!

Well, it's my birthday! I am officially 27 years old. Wow. Who'd have seen that coming? Given my usual tendency to freak out about getting older, I actually feel surprisingly okay about it.

I'm back in the UK from America now. I got back a few days ago, after a horrendous journey which should have taken half a day and wound up taking almost two days due to missing a flight, delays, and other assorted crap. I actually slept solidly for almost 24 hours after I got back, I was so exhausted. But hey. I'm here. Back in the jolly ol' UK.

Getting back to England was almost a birthday in itself, with all the stuff that was waiting for me... I had three packages waiting in my room! Two of them were Summer of Sonic gifts from kindhearted people who picked stuff up for me at the event after they learned I'd had to cancel because of my mum's recent cancer diagnosis. One was an art print of Archie vs Fleetway, and the other was a mixed bag of assorted goodies, including an SoS '11 t-shirt, Free Comic Book Day comic, and a couple of Tails-themed mechanical pencils. The third package was a bulk-load of Archie comics, including the whole Scourge and the Suppression Squad arc but also much more (seriously, about 50 comics) from an old friend who was getting rid of them. So, thanks to Urtheart, Ciara, Adam and Sel for all of these wonderful gifts (:

As far as actual birthday gifts go, my mum's promised to buy me a pair of slippers in town tomorrow for my poor freezing feet. It might not seem like much, but I'm really happy about that. My bedroom gets so cold, especially at night, and I need slippers badly! She also said that if her finances aren't too bad by Christmas, she'll put some money towards me getting a new computer, since this laptop is about 4 years old now and is really starting to show its age. Can't even run a browser for more than 20 minutes without it getting overheated. But the best gift from my mum was the card she gave me... it was so sweet. It said that I'm a once in a lifetime miracle that brings her more joy than she thought possible, and she got all teary-eyed when she gave it to me, telling me how true it was, even if cheesy. I felt so special then. I love you, mum.

And then there's the birthday art I get from my sweet Jei-ji every year. This year's made me laugh out loud! Under a cut for size.

( It's funny because I'm always worrying about getting older XD )

Hahaha... Tails' rage-face in the last panel is my favourite. The doodle on the end, she said, is something she just sketched whilst listening to that song. It's awesome. Thank you so much, shmoo! I love you!

Finally, I woke up to like a kazillion notifications of birthday greetings on SSMB, Facebook, and elsewhere. So, thank you guys. I hadn't really mentioned my impending birthday anywhere because I hadn't been around much, so I didn't expect anyone to really say anything. It was nice to see I haven't been forgotten (:

Oh! And then the mail came, and in it was the free sample of Baileys' new biscotti flavour which I signed up for online like two months ago. What great timing! :D

So, yeah, that's about it, really. Sorry I've been absent so long, guys. I'm back now XD

My mum managed to get into London okay despite major delays and hardly anything being open because of the riots. Last night she was at the Royal Marsen cancer hospital in Chelsea having a procedure called nuclear dye done where they insert a dye into her lymph nodes (under the armpit) to detect if the cancer has spread there. If not, they'd only remove the nearest nodes and leave the rest intact, but if infected they all have to go.

This morning she had the operation and they removed ALL the nodes because there was sign of spread. This means she runs a high risk of lymphodema in the future (pockets of fluid swelling anywhere on the body, not treatable) and will have to take medication to replicate the function of the nodes for the rest of her life. It wasn't the news we were hoping for, especially as it means a spread of the cancer and that her chemo may have to be more aggressive as a result... but she's recovering from the operation at a friend's house now and currently in no pain, just very tired.

Next week on the 17th she's having the major operation, mastectomy, to remove her breast entirely. Then after a couple of weeks of recovery, she starts 22 weeks of chemo. I should be back in the UK by then to support her.

So that's my update.

Printed out my boarding pass and e-ticket, packed my suitcase, checked in online... all ready to go! Tomorrow I'm getting on the train to Heathrow with my mum who, through wonderful coincidence, has to get on that very same train to get to my brother's graduation which happens to fall the same day. While he's graduating (yay!), I'll be flying... so, yeah, she'll get off at Reading and I'll carry on to Paddington and then get the Heathrow express. Plane takes off (hopefully) at 4:15pm GMT and arrives 7:10pm local time in Newark. Total flight time, 7:55. I got a seat on the upper deck of the plane, which I'm really happy about as the upper level is small and only has 5 rows of seats, meaning it should be quieter and less people fighting over the WC :P Also it's a window seat, and so far the two seats next to mine are unclaimed... so, yay!

Guuuhhhh I've done this flight so many times before but still so nervous buhhh. I'll actually be fine once I'm seated on the plane. It's getting to and navigating the airport itself that scares me. So big, so crowded, so bustling, and me all on my lonesome ;_; but it's fine. At least I checked in online, so I can go straight to the bag drop without having to queue at check in for ages.

It'll be so great to see Jei's family again... I haven't seen them in about 2 years. They're so great. They've helped me so much, and they've got such great ideas for ways I can get involved and work towards my USA citizenship.

On the flip side, I HATE to leave my mum right now. If I could magic her to America and have her get treatment there I would. But I'll be back soon, in time for her chemo and radio, and I'll be staying in touch via Skype every day... I've also got the contact details of my brother, my neighbour, and my mum's two good friends, and they all have mine, so I can be notified of any change in circumstance right away.

It'll be impossible not to worry about my mum when she's so scared and sad and going through this horrible thing... but if I can get some of MY issues sorted and start fixing up a real future for Jei and myself, it will make my mum both proud AND happy.

USA, here I come! ♥

I had to make a very difficult decision this week, and the outcome is that I'm flying to the States on Tuesday. Talk about short notice! It's not ideal, but after long talks with everyone involved, it's the best solution for right now.

Basically, as you guys know, I had just started getting things in order for starting a life in America. I was going to go down to Florida to finally meet my sister and one of my brothers for the first time, hopefully form a relationship with that side of my family at last, and that maybe they'd be willing to sponsor me for citizenship. Getting in touch with them for the first time was amazing, and I don't want to lose touch again so soon.

Also, some really amazing chances have come up with Jei's family, too. Her uncle has recently started a newspaper company in Florida which is rapidly expanding and doing very well, setting up papers for localities. He's hiring, and I could potentially get a work visa through him if he thinks my editorial/proofreading/journalistic skills are up to par. I really don't want to miss this opportunity.

Finally, I really need to visit those nursing schools ASAP if there's any chance of signing up for the Spring semester or even the Fall one.

Now, these things alone, as pressing as they may be, would not be enough to take me away from my mum right now... however, a mitigating factor has come into play in the form of her appointment in London being delayed. This means that her operation and follow-up treatment are also delayed.

In short, my mum very much wants me to go to America and sort my life out, whilst being on call to return at any time. As it stands, I have my flight back booked for late September as a buffer, but will most likely return immediately after the cruise to be home in time for her first chemo session.

Sadly, the changed dates mean that her surgery will probably happen while I am on the cruise, but she refuses to let me cancel the cruise because it was $2,000 from Jei's family for me to go and it's her graduation gift... I HATE the timing, but my mum will at least have my brother and her good friends Alison and Marion. She'll probably be staying with them in London anyway for a week or so after surgery and so I wouldn't be there... but still.... augh.

However, a small positive is that I was finally able to convince my mum to spend some money on herself(!) and she got a brand new laptop with better specs even than mine! Now she'll be able to Skype me any time while I'm abroad. Right now she's playing an Agatha Christie murder mystery game on it XD I love my mum.

So, yeah, that's that. It's going to be so hard to leave her right now, but she wants this so much for me... and I can come back at any time (except the 10 days I'm on the cruise :\) if she needs me. I will see her through her chemo and radio. It will be okay. It's just stressful, trying to sort my life out and make the most of these immediate opportunities whilst also just wanting to be right here by my mum's side.

The best I can do is really make the most of the chances I have, make my mum really proud, and then hurry home before she starts having the treatment. I can make this work. I love my mum and I won't abandon her, no matter what else is going on in my life. Thank you, mum, for being so amazing and selfless and wonderful. I will make you proud and I will be back in time to be by your side through this.

Miles is absolutely right. 'Glen's the Exciting Vodka' is shite. Jei and I made ourselves feel pretty ill on it some time ago and swore never again. It's cheap, tastes horrid, and just... isn't worth it. But it's all the farm shop in my village sells, and so Jei left me with a 35cl bottle of it as well as a couple of ciders when she left.

Since I'm a wee bit tipsy, I might as well use the loved up good feeling to say that I've just been bowled over by the support I've had from people, here and over at SSMB. I found out that a couple of people picked stuff up for me at SoS when they found I couldn't make it this year, and more even than that, people are just... rallying around me and my mum right now. I know shit's gonna be hard and testing, but I don't feel alone. People have just been great. I can't even begin to explain how much it means.

Also lol @ Miles. Drunk comment on my post, then "oh shit delete lock fucking everything". But in his defence, he's been... good about everything.

Everyone's been great. Wow. Drunken I-love-you-all-so-much hugs to everyone. ♥

Oh, look... sunrise. @_@