...

[flyboy_fox]

My mum didn't eat much at dinner. She kept putting her food on my plate. She hasn't even started treatment yet and already she's lost a stone in weight because the anxiety and stress of her situation has caused clinical anorexia in her. I try to get her to eat more, and she knows she needs to, but she just can't bring herself to eat more than a few mouthfuls.

While we were sitting at the table there, her eyes suddenly welled up and she said that during her time listening to the radio today, she heard about three separate people who'd died recently from cancer. It was clear how much it scared her.

After dinner, when she was bringing the plates over to the sink for me to wash up, she suddenly broke down in tears completely, sobbing about how scared she is and how the doctors won't tell her it's definitely treatable or assure her she'll pull through and how she's never been so scared of dying and how lonely she feels without a husband or partner to take care of her and take over everything for her... and I just held her while she sobbed and shook, and I just comforted her and told her how strong she is and how she'll get through this and how her kids and her friends will do everything we can for her and she's not alone. I held it together, and didn't cry, but my heart has never hurt so badly in all my life.

Most importantly, I told her that if she's not okay right now, it's all right to be not okay. She's been strong about so much in her life, never allowing herself to falter. She doesn't need to put on a brave face about this. She needs to be honest with me and tell me how she feels, and if she feels absolutely horrible and shitty that's NOT a weakness. I told her that the only thing she can't do is give up, because I know she'll get through this. But if she needs to cry, then she can cry. If she needs to lean on me, she can lean on me. If she needs to just get it all out, that's perfectly okay. There'll be hard times, but in between there will be good days too. She'll make it. She's strong.

I do believe that, whole-heartedly, but right now I feel like I'm in Hell and this is a nightmare that will never end. She doesn't deserve this, and I can't make it better!

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Mirtazapine. Replaces the hunger, removes anxiety, increases sleep quality.

Mirtazapine in cancer- effective at alleviated anxiety and depression.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1440-1819.2007.01778.x/abstract

Mirtazapine in anorexia- causes weight gain, promotes appetite, alleviates depression. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17687663

Common typical anti-depressant. 30mg noct.

You are doing excellent things supporting her. Its means more to her than you will perhaps ever know. Cry with her. Body language expresses more than we could hope to articulate.

Everything you are doing is great. Keep it up

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks. My mum is going to talk to the nurse tomorrow about what medication, if any, she should take during treatment. She'll probably have to take something to combat the side-effects of the chemo if they're bad, so it's probably not a good idea to start any other medication now until the nurse can give her more information.

I'd love to cry with her, but I can tell that right now she needs me to show her my strong brave face. My crying scares her and makes her worry about ME, and I can't allow that. But I have friends who I can cry with, so it's okay.

[xenaeilonwy.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this and I will pray for you both tonight.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you. We'll be okay... I just had to vent because I was feeling pretty awful last night, just so sad for my mum... But I know she'll get through this and be okay.

[sovereignstory.livejournal.com]

I've been lurking on here and frankly felt I haven't been able to find the right words. I'm so sorry you're having to endure this, but I will keep your mom and your family in my thoughts.

From what I've read, you have been the ideal child in this situation and I'm sure your mom is incredibly appreciative of all you're doing. I'm sure you have helped ease her heart a million fold, even if she is still hurting.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say thank you for adding me at a time when my posts really aren't a lot of fun to read... it means a lot (: Thank you so much for the support.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

I can't agree more with what the above commenters have said... you've handled it so well and I'm so proud of you... you did an amazing job helping her tonight. She'll get through it moo... I'm thinking about both of you all the time, I hope you know that!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Tankuu, moo... I know you're thinking of us, and you're always there for me, no matter what my mood. Thank you for being proud. I love you.

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Uggggh oh my god you poor thing. *hugs* You are being fabulously strong for her, and doing everything right. You'll both pull through this. I know you will!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thanks. I'll keep doing my best. I'm sure we'll get through this even if there's hard days along the way.

[sukishadow.livejournal.com]

Your poor mother :( it breaks my heart to see how scared she is. Is there anyway she could go see a therapist or something to help her with the anxiety? Sounds like right now she really needs someone to talk to 'bout all of this and you can't be expected to be have to deal with all of this. We're keeping her in our prayers over here. Hope that you're okay too.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's the worst part... seeing how scared and alone she feels right now. Cancer is such a scary word, even if it;s not necessarily a death sentence. But we'll make it through.

[alycus.livejournal.com]

By being by your mother's side, you are being the most effective treatment for her than any medicine. I salute you.

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

You're being so brave, too, Jai. You and your mom. I'm really hoping with all my might that your mom and you will make it through. Keep being strong, Jai. Okay?

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

I just... seriously have no words right now. :(

All I can do is offer hugs, best wishes and to be a voice to talk to and listen if things start getting too much.

I'm just sorry I can't do more right now.

It's tough, and it's annoying to me not being able to find the words to help a friend in need. But I do have faith in you both. And I really wish you all the best at this extremely tough time.