Blah.

Nov. 5th, 2011 04:07 pm
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
[personal profile] flyboy_fox
I posted this at a forum hence the weird formatting and saying things that most of you guys already know, but I needed to get it out of my system... Disclaimer: Big ol' self-pity party up ahead.


I'm really not doing very well at the moment. I've been
feeling lost and like a failure, reminded of how few people I have
(physically) in my life. I miss human company. I miss getting a hug,
laughing with someone, watching a movie together, playing cards. I feel
like my entire physical existence has been reduced to a claustrophobic
little bubble consisting of Me, my Mum, and Cancer. There's no room for
anything else.

The other day was one of the worst in my life. I had to sit with my mum
in the corridor whilst she cried helplessly for hours and talked about
suicide and wanting to die and how she doesn't feel like anyone could
love her and care for her because she feels she messed up everything. I
feel like nothing I do helps her. She only has bad days and worse days,
nothing in between.

The next bit is going to sound selfish, but I am struggling myself with
the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) that I have, also known as Winter
Depression. Some days are better than others, but I can't turn to my mum
even for a little bit because she can't handle it. She straight up told
me that she can't cope with me having depression right now, so I have
to hide it and pretend I'm okay. I've tried to explain to her that I
don't need her to take care of me or take on my burdens. I just wanted
to be able to tell her that sometimes I feel a little low and that I'm
not always on the top of my game. But she freaks out even at that, and
so I feel like I'm slowly going insane from the pressure of trying to be
'okay' and strong for her, even when I don't feel strong at all.

I love my mum so much and I will do anything for her, but it is draining
me so much. Today she had to go to a funeral for a friend from her Keep
Fit class who just passed away from cancer. It scares her, and so she's
taking it out on me in a foul mood. 'Cancer' is the trump word for
everything right now. Nothing I say or do can go up against Cancer. I
feel so guilty for feeling even a tiny bit of resentment when she's
going through so much, but I just want a break.

But there's nowhere I can go, no one I can turn to. My dad isn't in my
life, my brother lives far away and we don't exactly get on, and I have
no 'IRL' friends at all. My partner is in another continent and I may
not see her again for a year. All I have for catharsis is venting here,
so sorry for doing that yet again.

At any rate, doing what I did last night (which was downing a whole
bottle of vodka) is probably not a great idea. Hangovers don't exactly
lead to great moods the next day ^^;

Thanks for listening, guys ♥

I put the wangst under a cut so you don't have to read it if you're not in the mood ^^;

Date: 2011-11-05 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valkyriur.livejournal.com
*great big hugs* I wish I could offer more.

Date: 2011-11-05 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
That you read it and that you care means a lot. Thank you.

Date: 2011-11-05 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com
*HUGGGGG*

:< Oh Jai.

Date: 2011-11-05 04:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
Thanks, Mel. Cyber-hugs do help!

Date: 2011-11-05 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] inkedfeathers.livejournal.com
While I personally avoid complaining or mentioning any problem I have to anyone I do not expect to fix it, if you absolutely must vent, would it help you to do it online, then, if you've got nobody else in real life aside from your mother to speak to?

You could tell me if you're feeling terrible, if it keeps you sane.

I'm never not in the mood to hear you out, Jai!

If there's anything at all, within my power, that I could do to help, I'd love to do it!

Date: 2011-11-05 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
I think it helps just to get the feelings out... using LJ in its purest form, as a journal. It's probably better for others, too, if I just spit it all out here rather than offloading it on one or two specific people.

Thanks for being there and being willing to listen, Bird. It means a lot and I don't want or need anything more than just that ♥

Date: 2011-11-06 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com
*hug* I wish there was more i could do. You're strong. You've lived this long. If you want to talk to someone we could exchange IM addresses.

Date: 2011-11-06 11:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
Thanks. I'd give you my IM, but I really don't ever use messengers. Truth be told, I can't even remember what my AIM name is! I'm so daft. But thank you. I really do appreciate the offer and the kind words.

Date: 2011-11-06 08:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] private-enemy.livejournal.com
Jai. I can't possibly begin to put myself into your shoes and know what you're going through right now. I can only pray that one day, even if this pain never fully goes away, that it will at least become dulled and manageable for you. A person as sweet and caring as you shouldn't have to suffer like this. It's unfair.

But know this: I love you, and I still keep you and your mother in my thoughts. I mean that. I'm always here if you want to talk. (hug)

Date: 2011-11-06 11:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
Eh, I'll manage. I always do. I dip into a low for a bit, a real funk, and then I pull myself out and get on with it. I really do appreciate your words, though. It means so much to have friends like you who care. *Hug*

Date: 2011-11-06 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycus.livejournal.com
Damn, and I thought your mother was getting alright? Then again, I thought the same about Steve Jobs...

Woah, sorry if that scared you. It's just, I feel really bad. I don't think it's wangst at all, its a legitimate thing to feel upset over, where you're supposed to be strong for your loved one, yet you have your own problems.

Just...tell me if there is anything I can say or do to help. The least I could now, I guess, is an e-hug. *gives e-hug*

Date: 2011-11-06 04:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
Physically, her condition is under control. But the mental and physical effects of both the illness and the medication she's on are wearing her down and making her weak and miserable. She has days that are better than others, though, so it's sometimes not as bad as it could be and I'm grateful for that.

Thanks for the support *Hugs*

Date: 2011-11-06 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eileanach.livejournal.com
I am so very sorry dude! I wish I had read this last night or so! Please know I am just a PM away if you need to rant at someone or just try to forget about it.

-hugs-

Date: 2011-11-06 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
Aww, it's okay. I'm doing a bit better today. Thanks so much *Hugs*

Date: 2011-11-06 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eileanach.livejournal.com
You are always welcome.

Date: 2011-11-07 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tragic-elegance.livejournal.com
*hug*
I hate SAD when it comes around. It's always just a, "Oh, it's that time to get sorta depressed," feeling. >.>

Date: 2011-11-07 12:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
I can practically set my watch (well, calendar) by it every year. Yesterday was sunny so I felt a little better, but today is miserable and grey again, bleh ): Anyway, it's good to see you around! ♥

Date: 2011-11-07 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalium-kx.livejournal.com
I know I'm a bit late to the party..but I figured I'd still drop my 2 cents here.

I think you've answered your own question..you just have to get out there and make your own friends. However, knowing you, I can understand if it's daunting for you but sometimes you gotta get hurt, to just get better.

Oddly that sounded like Knuckles..there must be a reason I'm cosplaying him *shrugs*

Date: 2011-11-07 12:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flyboy-fox.livejournal.com
It's a little difficult to make friends of my age and interest in a village full of retired people. I'm going to try to get some charity work, though, so that's something.

Date: 2011-11-07 02:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalium-kx.livejournal.com
A start's a start so I commend you for that~

Most people are'nt even motivated to begin
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