flyboy_fox: (Just thinking... :\)
[personal profile] flyboy_fox
Jei's just left in the taxi to the train station where she'll then get the train to Heathrow Airport and fly home. She stayed an extra week in England with me, but we couldn't justify her staying any longer when it costs $160 to change the flight and she hasn't seen her family in a year. So, she's gone now and I'll probably see her in about a month, assuming things pan out.

My mum's major hospital results appointment got knocked back to THIS Monday rather than last because of incomplete biopsy results, so I finally went with her yesterday to find out what's what.

The 'good' news first. There's not enough evidence to definite support there being a cancer in her right breast also, so they're going to leave it alone and just monitor it after they treat the left. The cancer in her left breast is 'early stage' and so is unlikely to have migrated too far.

The 'meh' news. It's a 'grade two' cancer on a three-grade scale, meaning it's not the most aggressive nor the least aggressive type. It's also the most common form, accounting for around 70% of breast cancers.

The bad news. She has two cancers in the left breast, with a strong possibility of more. They'll have to remove the whole breast. The cancer has already shown signs of having infected the lymph nodes, so they'll have to go too, which could lead to further complications such as life-long fluid swelling anywhere on the body. She'll definitely have to have chemotherapy, around 18 weeks of it, and the doctor said she will definitely lose her hair. How the drugs will affect her in other ways in unknown, but the usual will probably apply, with reduced immunity to other illness. Then after the chemo, she'll need about 5 weeks of radiotherapy to ensure that any cancer that might have spread to the chest walls is eradicated. From initial surgery to end of radio, it'll take about half a year.

She's not yet decided where she wants to have the surgery. The surgeon at our local hospital has 20+ years of experience, is a breast surgery specialist, and has performed hundreds of mastectomies in his career. He's also a grade 7 clinical excellence, which is good. However, the hospital in London is a cancer specialist hospital and has surgeons who rank within the top 10 nationwide and have world renown. Also, the London one might be able to offer a less radical surgery where they only remove SOME of the lymph nodes rather than all of them. But, of course, it's in London, and referring could take some time. Either way, she can have the chemo back here in Weston, and she'll have to go to Bristol for the radio.

I tried my hardest to keep it together at the hospital while we were getting the news. I could see my mum shaking and tearing up as the surgeon explained what they'll have to do, and the more I heard, the more my heart started pounded and my own hands shaking and my stomach tying in knots as I tried to write down everything and smile at my mum and squeeze her hand. When the nurse had to speak to my mum alone, I fled all the way out of the hospital and into the parking lot and had the worst panic attack I've had in years. I couldn't breathe, I thought for sure I'd pass out, my heart was beating so hard, I was either going to faint or throw up or... I don't know. But I did some deep breathing, sipped some water, and by the time my mum came out I was okay and put my 'brave face' back on. Whatever I'm feeling is ten times worse for her. I have to stay strong.

I know we'll manage. Fuck my anxiety and depression; my mum has cancer and needs me. But right now I feel so lost and scared and alone. While I'm here for my mum, who is here for me? Jei's gone back to America and I don't have a single local friend who can be here for me to collapse on when I'm tired. God, that's selfish shit but... ugh. Like I said, I'll cope. My mum needs me to. These next few months are going to be very hard for her, and seeing her standing in the kitchen crying just hurts my heart so badly. I'll take care of her and I'll cope, but watching that taxi pull away from the driveway with my partner and lifeline in it, taking her away and across the ocean, was the most painful thing I've done in a while.

Date: 2011-07-12 02:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Things have to get better soon! There's no way only bad things can happen to you.

Date: 2011-07-12 02:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Things will get better. In 6 months to a year's time when my mum has finished her treatment and is officially in remission, this will all be over and there'll be tons to celebrate. And good things do happen too; Jei's graduation and the sculpts she made have been just a couple of recent highlights. But right now, of course, this whole cancer thing just feels like it's casting a huge shadow over everything.

Date: 2011-07-12 03:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"While I'm here for my mum, who is here for me?"

We are.

Date: 2011-07-12 03:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yes. Yes, you are, and it means the world to me (and is why LJ is so important as an outlet - you guys are amazing ♥). I'm just finding it hard to be alone here physically with no one's shoulder to cry into when I wake up in a panic attack in the night or to sit with and just play cards or a board game with after spending a while comforting my mum and taking care of her. But that doesn't diminish how important you guys are at all. *Hug*

Date: 2011-07-12 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*Hugs* Thanks.

Date: 2011-07-12 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
-hugs- This is a lot of information coming at you at once and just remember we, despite being virtual, are here for you. Always.

Date: 2011-07-12 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you... it means a lot. *Hugs*

Date: 2011-07-12 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*Hugs* Thanks.

Date: 2011-07-12 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
YOU WILL MAKE IT. I had been in somewhat of a similar situation like you. Right now it is VERY dark, VERY frightening, and VERY lonely. I've been there. I will continue to pray that God will give you the courage and strength to get through this. Your mom does need you. YOU ARE going to have days when you panic, feel depressed, cry, or just wanting to find a field and run the whole length of it if you could. When I look back at my trials, I wonder HOW did I get through it. It's normal. It's normal for your mom to go through her emotions as well. I had friends (especially one)of whom I thought was going to be there for me, but he wasn't. I had learned inner strength the hard way. You will too. I honestly don't know your religious convictions, but prayer does help you when you seem all is crazy and confusing. YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Date: 2011-07-12 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not religious, but I am spiritual (if that makes sense). I do believe in the power of love and positive thought, and I've always felt deeply touched and honoured when people say they've prayed for me - it means a lot. Thank you. I will find that inner strength and I'll be fine. My mum and I will make it through this.

Date: 2011-07-13 11:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
So, um... any particular reason why you removed me from your friendslist suddenly? Did I do something to offend? ^^; If so, I'm sorry and I respect that... I'd just like to know...

Oh no

Date: 2011-07-13 11:23 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I was going through my list, deleting and updating my settings. I must have checked yours by accident! You didn't do ANYTHING wrong! I'll fix that, ok?

Re: Oh no

Date: 2011-07-13 11:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, okay (: Got'cha. No worries, it happens. Wouldn't blame you if you removed me on purpose :P But am glad you didn't.

Date: 2011-07-13 11:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awesome (: Thanks.

Date: 2011-07-12 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."

It might be a little rough right now, but you'll make it. All of you. Keep flying high *hug*

Date: 2011-07-12 09:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Heh, funny you should say that; the other night, I was in bed and just had the urge to see the stars, so I got up (around 2am) and just walked outside in my socked feet and t-shirt and PJ trousers and I just stood outside my house looking up at the sky. It was so beautiful and vast and crystal clear and I felt at peace for a moment.

*Hugs* Thanks.

Date: 2011-07-13 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
For what it's worth, you're always in my thoughts, and that's no bullshit. I was waiting for this update to see what was going on, I'm just sorry it had to be like this. I would have asked about it in your last entry but I didn't wanna bring anything like that into a happy topic (the sculptures), but I've constantly kept you and your mother in my thoughts since I first heard about all this. It's silly I know, but I wish I was there, just to give you some company at least, if only a little.

This sounds cheesy, but I believe in you Jai. I know you can get through this. Life can be an unbelievable, completely unfair bitch sometimes, so you gotta just look that mofo in the eye and say "You can throw everything in the world at me to try and break me but I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction". And I can see from the comments plenty of other folks have got your back too.

Sending as much love and positivity your way as I can muster. <3

Date: 2011-07-13 12:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You are awesome, and it's no lie that replies like this one actually put a grin on my face in spite of everything. Thank you so much. ♥

Date: 2011-07-13 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*big hugs* I'm glad they caught your mom's cancer at an early stage. Hopefully that means they can get at it. It's going to be really tough for both of you. You'll get through this.

Date: 2011-07-13 01:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*Nods* It will be hard, but we'll deal. *Hugs* Thank you.

Date: 2011-07-13 03:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ugh. Hang in there, kid. Fuuuck, 'Glen's the Exciting Vodka' is bad. Vivienne will be fine. Need me to hack it, I will. You know I will. Get better vodka. I'm not drunk. ... Okay, maybe a little. DON'T TOUCH MY FLASK.

Date: 2011-07-13 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks Miles ^^; You didn't have to. And yes, Glen's is bad ): I'm sorry. It's all the farm shop had. I won't touch your flask. That has the good stuff (: Smirnoff, right?

Also how are you more drunk than me?

Date: 2011-07-13 03:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not. Don't make me regret giving a shit.

Date: 2011-07-13 03:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You care about my mum, at least in some small way... I respect that and appreciate it...

Date: 2011-07-13 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh holy fuck. Just disregard the first comment. I miss Betty already.

Date: 2011-07-13 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Also, there is no comparison. Smirnoff vodka is infinitely superior.

... With Betty gone, I am actually going to have to talk to you, aren't I?

Bitch, shut up ♪

Date: 2011-07-13 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Popper ft Fox n' Wolf.mp3? :3
Edited Date: 2011-07-13 04:06 am (UTC)


Date: 2011-07-13 04:07 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-07-13 05:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh shmoo! I'm so sorry things are so hard on you and you know I wish I could be there with you for every moment, but you know I'll be here so you can reach me any time... and I think I might really look into a phone you can IM me and skype me on... like a Droid or a Blackberry or iPhone... it would be really useful! Well... anyway, I love you and I'm so proud of you!!

...And the above convo is awesome XD; ...sorry.

Date: 2011-07-13 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Something like that would be a great thing for you to have, but they're so expensive and you have to have a contract... :\

Date: 2011-07-13 06:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh jeez, that's terrible! :( I don't blame you for having such a huge panic attack, I'd be right there with you if my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer like that.

I can honestly feel from all these posts how much pressure you're under to stay strong, and I know that at times it can be so, so hard. You have all your LJ friends here though to help bear the weight with you. We'll walk this road together with you through the storm, I promise.

I'm preying for you. Never forget that no matter what happens, you're never gonna be alone through all of this.
Here, this might make you feel better:

Date: 2011-07-13 11:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hehe, Nickelback's awesome. Thanks. I really am grateful for all the support.

Date: 2011-07-13 10:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
How the heck did I miss this? x-X

Reading that was a little scary, but I can understand it's a lot of stress to go through. I really wish I could hop the border now and just be company, even if only for a week or two.

*hug* Hang in there. Times are tough, but I know you can make it through this.

Date: 2011-07-13 11:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aww, thanks Jade... I know you'd come visit if you could. Means a lot. *Hug*

Date: 2011-07-15 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I haven't had a chance to say it, but I am very sorry to hear about things you and your family are going though, *hugs* I wish you guys nothing but the best in the difficult time.

One thing I just learned about, ironically, is something that can prevent hair loss from chemo (at least the hair on your head). It's based in England, but not everyone knows about it. is the website, so maybe that will help you guys. I got the info from this review I was watching. Info after the short review.

Date: 2011-07-15 05:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'll definitely pass the cold-cap thing on to my mum - she'll be very happy to know there's a way to potentially reduce/avoid hair-loss during chemo! *Hugs* Thanks so much.
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