Jul. 17th, 2011

flyboy_fox: (Why me? e.x)
I had to make a very difficult decision this week, and the outcome is that I'm flying to the States on Tuesday. Talk about short notice! It's not ideal, but after long talks with everyone involved, it's the best solution for right now.

Basically, as you guys know, I had just started getting things in order for starting a life in America. I was going to go down to Florida to finally meet my sister and one of my brothers for the first time, hopefully form a relationship with that side of my family at last, and that maybe they'd be willing to sponsor me for citizenship. Getting in touch with them for the first time was amazing, and I don't want to lose touch again so soon.

Also, some really amazing chances have come up with Jei's family, too. Her uncle has recently started a newspaper company in Florida which is rapidly expanding and doing very well, setting up papers for localities. He's hiring, and I could potentially get a work visa through him if he thinks my editorial/proofreading/journalistic skills are up to par. I really don't want to miss this opportunity.

Finally, I really need to visit those nursing schools ASAP if there's any chance of signing up for the Spring semester or even the Fall one.

Now, these things alone, as pressing as they may be, would not be enough to take me away from my mum right now... however, a mitigating factor has come into play in the form of her appointment in London being delayed. This means that her operation and follow-up treatment are also delayed.

In short, my mum very much wants me to go to America and sort my life out, whilst being on call to return at any time. As it stands, I have my flight back booked for late September as a buffer, but will most likely return immediately after the cruise to be home in time for her first chemo session.

Sadly, the changed dates mean that her surgery will probably happen while I am on the cruise, but she refuses to let me cancel the cruise because it was $2,000 from Jei's family for me to go and it's her graduation gift... I HATE the timing, but my mum will at least have my brother and her good friends Alison and Marion. She'll probably be staying with them in London anyway for a week or so after surgery and so I wouldn't be there... but still.... augh.

However, a small positive is that I was finally able to convince my mum to spend some money on herself(!) and she got a brand new laptop with better specs even than mine! Now she'll be able to Skype me any time while I'm abroad. Right now she's playing an Agatha Christie murder mystery game on it XD I love my mum.

So, yeah, that's that. It's going to be so hard to leave her right now, but she wants this so much for me... and I can come back at any time (except the 10 days I'm on the cruise :\) if she needs me. I will see her through her chemo and radio. It will be okay. It's just stressful, trying to sort my life out and make the most of these immediate opportunities whilst also just wanting to be right here by my mum's side.

The best I can do is really make the most of the chances I have, make my mum really proud, and then hurry home before she starts having the treatment. I can make this work. I love my mum and I won't abandon her, no matter what else is going on in my life. Thank you, mum, for being so amazing and selfless and wonderful. I will make you proud and I will be back in time to be by your side through this.

...

Jul. 17th, 2011 11:32 pm
flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
My mum didn't eat much at dinner. She kept putting her food on my plate. She hasn't even started treatment yet and already she's lost a stone in weight because the anxiety and stress of her situation has caused clinical anorexia in her. I try to get her to eat more, and she knows she needs to, but she just can't bring herself to eat more than a few mouthfuls.

While we were sitting at the table there, her eyes suddenly welled up and she said that during her time listening to the radio today, she heard about three separate people who'd died recently from cancer. It was clear how much it scared her.

After dinner, when she was bringing the plates over to the sink for me to wash up, she suddenly broke down in tears completely, sobbing about how scared she is and how the doctors won't tell her it's definitely treatable or assure her she'll pull through and how she's never been so scared of dying and how lonely she feels without a husband or partner to take care of her and take over everything for her... and I just held her while she sobbed and shook, and I just comforted her and told her how strong she is and how she'll get through this and how her kids and her friends will do everything we can for her and she's not alone. I held it together, and didn't cry, but my heart has never hurt so badly in all my life.

Most importantly, I told her that if she's not okay right now, it's all right to be not okay. She's been strong about so much in her life, never allowing herself to falter. She doesn't need to put on a brave face about this. She needs to be honest with me and tell me how she feels, and if she feels absolutely horrible and shitty that's NOT a weakness. I told her that the only thing she can't do is give up, because I know she'll get through this. But if she needs to cry, then she can cry. If she needs to lean on me, she can lean on me. If she needs to just get it all out, that's perfectly okay. There'll be hard times, but in between there will be good days too. She'll make it. She's strong.

I do believe that, whole-heartedly, but right now I feel like I'm in Hell and this is a nightmare that will never end. She doesn't deserve this, and I can't make it better!

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