Gone rogue (wtf)

[flyboy_fox]

I don't even... ugh. I hate dramus XD;; Mooooving swiftly on, from friends crap to trolling myself, whee~♪

I am having problems with Miles, my alter-ego :\ I'm not really sure what to do.

He kind of developed an identity all by himself that basically consists of the very worst of me, and then separated himself off into a unique individual thought-pattern. I've never had that happen before ^^; My 'kin stuff is very stupid and ridiculous anyway (and involves kin identities that are fluffy furries from a comic book/video game series) so I don't expect to find any answers, but it's kind of worrying when I find myself actually communicating with a part of my mind as if it were another person. Oh, and he hates me. Sigh.

I think this is just another symptom of me being lonely and not dealing well with living by myself XD;; It's been, what, less than a month? And already I'm talking to myself and slipping between mind-sets as if I'm actually supposed to have more than one. I know this isn't soul bonding or whatever, because Miles is definitely part of me. Just... a part that kind of went rogue. I've always had that part of me that never really integrated with the rest of me (it's a weird 'mode' I occasionally go into: cold, distant, sarcastic, cruel, mildly sado-masochistic, perversely logical, risk-taking and lacking in any emotion. Jei knows it from the few times she's witnessed it x.o I tend to just lock myself away when I get like that, so, yeah, it's fine.). I accidentally stumbled across a connection that assigned it a name, and now... yeah. I know... see a shrink, blah blah.

Nah.

I don't have any sort of personality disorder and I've always been a little crazy. This isn't that serious. It's just odd... and a little creepy. I feel like I'm in a war with the dark side of myself. I think I'd be more worried if I couldn't connect to that part at all. I can. I'm in control of it, it's me... just me in a very different mind-set, if that makes any sense. It's not really like another person. Sort of a left-hand/right-hand situation. I dunno. Lol. I'm weird.

So basically, the question is... do I let him continue to form his own identity inside my head, with the knowledge that essentially he can't do too much damage since he's basically a facet of me and therefore, at some level, under my control? And because it could be amusing to my bored mind? Or do I quash it now, just in case it could be problematic later?


If you read that without laughing your ass off at me or writing me off as bat-shit, well done. Maybe I am bat-shit. I think I just have a hyperactive imagination and am prone to having my mind play tricks on me. Despite occasional freak-outs in the past, I feel quite safe with my level of wtf-ery. All Sonic fans should be as crazy as me, it would be more fun! ... or not.

I am totally gonna play Caramelldansen now. Oh! And, and and and... I got a cross-trainer/elliptical today! Well... it's not gonna arrive 'til Saturday, but with that and the RC Gyrocopter coming before Sunday, it should be a fun weekend (: Quick fitness question: Does a cross-trainer/elliptical help with the stomach area or only arms/legs? If I wanna burn tummy fat, will I need a fairly rigorous stomach exercises floor program on top of daily cardio on the cross-trainer? I have such a typically Colombian shape - all the fat goes straight to my thighs and tummy, like a pear :P I wanna trim it down. No more flabby gut. So, advice from any fitness bods on that or using the cross-trainer in general?

♪♫Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta nagrå steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Missa inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med
Caramelldansen!♫♪

Edit: Icon... came out a little scary? O_o;; *FLEE!*

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Maybe you slide to extremes a lot because you're not used to having a dark side, yet. As I know from experience, a little self-knowledge can change a lot. So, maybe you just need a little more time before you can comfortable that your darker half won't do anything that you'll regret.

And while I hesitated to bring this up since it reminded me of time roleplaying as "Bimbo Blaze", your dark side kinda reminds of Starscream from Transformers. I've always related strongly to that character since I was a kid, so I guess it makes sense that I'd relate strongly to you. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think you told me that a while back, actually, when we were talking about Miles.

Oh, I'm used to having a dark side XD;; I'm just not used to having that dark side decide to become its own unique identity co-inhabiting my brain. And then dissing me at every opportunity whilst trying to gain control :D

I do believe I am the far stronger aspect though, so I'm pretty sure my sanity is safe as long as nothing drastic happens :D

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I guess that's my Swiss Cheese memory for you. ^_~

It sounds, from what you're saying, that Miles is yelling at you because he gets bored from being "put to bed" too often. Maybe you'll get closer to a balanced co-existence if you gradually let him out to play more, being careful each time not to let him overwhelm the "good you." :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think he just hates me 'cause he's him and I'm me e.e; No amount of anything I 'let' him do will change that. He's just a hateful little brat ^^; But that's okay. It's probably good for me to get an objective view of how hateful I can sometimes be. :\

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

It's kind of an interesting situation, in a way. You have two sides of yourself, both equally opposed to each other, yet both equally you.

I kind of feel like you won't totally happy until both sides are reconciled somehow. But maybe you're on right track, at least. You seem to have grown in understanding of your dual selves, even if it's not a complete understanding yet.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Interesting indeed. Possibly the most fascinating thing that's happened to me in a long time ^^;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Ya know, maybe you could cosplay evil you, someday. Spiked bracelets are so you, in my opinion.:D

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I used to have a whole red-and-black goth-punk outfit actually. Only ever wore it when I'd go to Camden Town though. I really like that style. Haha... on Second Life I totally have a fetish for spiked bracelets and collars n.n;; My avatar (called Miles, but mostly based on Tails, just a bit more sarky) is always wearing that kind of stuff ♥

If the whole toning up/losing weight thing goes well with the cross-trainer I just bought, maybe I'll treat myself to some new clothes in a few months. I've gotten so lazy... all I wear these days is t-shirts and sweat-pants ):

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I guess you like like the spiky bands just as much as I do.XD Too bad you still don't have that red and black outfit. X3

I kind of have a feeling my fashion sense will slide more of the goth side of things over time.XD We'll see, I guess.^_~

I hope your weight loss goes well. I always thought you looked fine as is, but if it helps you look the way you want, I see no downside.^_^

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I think it's also important to remember that... we all have our times when someone pisses us off, or we're grumpy and tired, or some switch just flips in our brain, and we just want to hurt someone, torture them, make them suffer. It sounds absolutely horrid, but we really have all had those moments, when we've thought things about someone (or a group, or a culture, etc.) that were completely uncharitable and mean and ugly that we would never, ever want to entertain consciously or say out loud and that, when we do get a glimpse of them, absolutely horrify us.

I think it's normal to feel bad for having them, but it's also... normal to have them, and I don't think it makes you a worse person than anyone else. Being able to let your conscious mind be aware of them might actually make you better.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Face the ugly head on. I can see how that might be beneficial in the end.

It's true, everyone has evil thoughts every now and then. I'd rather not encourage an identity who is basically made up solely of those nasty traits 24/7, but as long as it doesn't take over, I guess I'm fine.

The other aspect, as well as making sure that I don't hurt others, is making sure that I don't hurt myself. I'm bad enough with bad habits as it is (for example, all the vodka I drink). As long as I remember it's MY responsibility, no matter which part of me is 'driving', I should be able to make sensible decisions ^^

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

It might also help to let out some of those bad thoughts in fiction, even if it's writing you only ever see yourself. Perhaps a kind of a "nastyness journal" to get certain urges out of your system so they don't manifest, or at least manifest less, in reality.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Miles... actually did make a journal, a little earlier. But he's not posted in it yet, and maybe he never will. He's too busy being a creepy little cuss. If he decides to make plans to take over the world, he might use it for that x.x

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I can kind of see the first entry we'd see in that looking like this.XD

"Hello people of Earth! Welcome to my first public entry! I say public, because all 700 previous entries were devoted to the secret blueprints to my mighty Death Fox Satellite! You have 24 hours to give into my demands! Mwahaha!"

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

DO NOT GIVE HIM IDEAS. >_>

If he does post anything, I'm sure all the entries will be private and probably encrypted or some shit. Kid is paranoid.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

DO NOT GIVE HIM IDEAS. >_>

You're right. I wouldn't want any competition, er, oops, I've said too much. ^_~

If he does post anything, I'm sure all the entries will be private and probably encrypted or some shit. Kid is paranoid.

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES MILES A DULL BOY.*repeated four hundred times*XD

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Play? I don't think he understands that concept. That's probably what the vodka is for (and various other things that I would never fucking touch). Scary shit.

Damn, now I want vodka ):

Okay... race to take over the world. 3, 2, 1... GO!

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Damn, now I want vodka ):

On Soviet Moebius, vodka wants you! ^_~


Okay... race to take over the world. 3, 2, 1... GO!

I'd better hurry to Soleanna if I want to grab that princess. >:)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I can get vodka tomorrow (: I have to go out anyway.

Princess...? Pah. LAAAAME. Your princess is in another castle anyway, Blazey ;)

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I can get vodka tomorrow (: I have to go out anyway.


Praise Marx!

Princess...? Pah. LAAAAME. Your princess is in another castle anyway, Blazey ;)

Shut up Toad! XD

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Oh come on, Blazey, you're about as evil as a kitten.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

OH BUUUURN~ XD

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Hee hee...they say kittens play with their prey before eating it, Sel. >:)

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie.
It's so cute when the little ones want to play with the big boys.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Time makes all things possible...I can wait. :D