Gone rogue (wtf)

[flyboy_fox]

I don't even... ugh. I hate dramus XD;; Mooooving swiftly on, from friends crap to trolling myself, whee~♪

I am having problems with Miles, my alter-ego :\ I'm not really sure what to do.

He kind of developed an identity all by himself that basically consists of the very worst of me, and then separated himself off into a unique individual thought-pattern. I've never had that happen before ^^; My 'kin stuff is very stupid and ridiculous anyway (and involves kin identities that are fluffy furries from a comic book/video game series) so I don't expect to find any answers, but it's kind of worrying when I find myself actually communicating with a part of my mind as if it were another person. Oh, and he hates me. Sigh.

I think this is just another symptom of me being lonely and not dealing well with living by myself XD;; It's been, what, less than a month? And already I'm talking to myself and slipping between mind-sets as if I'm actually supposed to have more than one. I know this isn't soul bonding or whatever, because Miles is definitely part of me. Just... a part that kind of went rogue. I've always had that part of me that never really integrated with the rest of me (it's a weird 'mode' I occasionally go into: cold, distant, sarcastic, cruel, mildly sado-masochistic, perversely logical, risk-taking and lacking in any emotion. Jei knows it from the few times she's witnessed it x.o I tend to just lock myself away when I get like that, so, yeah, it's fine.). I accidentally stumbled across a connection that assigned it a name, and now... yeah. I know... see a shrink, blah blah.

Nah.

I don't have any sort of personality disorder and I've always been a little crazy. This isn't that serious. It's just odd... and a little creepy. I feel like I'm in a war with the dark side of myself. I think I'd be more worried if I couldn't connect to that part at all. I can. I'm in control of it, it's me... just me in a very different mind-set, if that makes any sense. It's not really like another person. Sort of a left-hand/right-hand situation. I dunno. Lol. I'm weird.

So basically, the question is... do I let him continue to form his own identity inside my head, with the knowledge that essentially he can't do too much damage since he's basically a facet of me and therefore, at some level, under my control? And because it could be amusing to my bored mind? Or do I quash it now, just in case it could be problematic later?


If you read that without laughing your ass off at me or writing me off as bat-shit, well done. Maybe I am bat-shit. I think I just have a hyperactive imagination and am prone to having my mind play tricks on me. Despite occasional freak-outs in the past, I feel quite safe with my level of wtf-ery. All Sonic fans should be as crazy as me, it would be more fun! ... or not.

I am totally gonna play Caramelldansen now. Oh! And, and and and... I got a cross-trainer/elliptical today! Well... it's not gonna arrive 'til Saturday, but with that and the RC Gyrocopter coming before Sunday, it should be a fun weekend (: Quick fitness question: Does a cross-trainer/elliptical help with the stomach area or only arms/legs? If I wanna burn tummy fat, will I need a fairly rigorous stomach exercises floor program on top of daily cardio on the cross-trainer? I have such a typically Colombian shape - all the fat goes straight to my thighs and tummy, like a pear :P I wanna trim it down. No more flabby gut. So, advice from any fitness bods on that or using the cross-trainer in general?

♪♫Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta nagrå steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Missa inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med
Caramelldansen!♫♪

Edit: Icon... came out a little scary? O_o;; *FLEE!*

Comments

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Sorry I don't have any advice. My only reaction to this was "coooooool." But you know me, I'm fascinated by evil.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have expected anything less from you, Sletia ;) Evil can be pretty fascinating, even if it's not usually my style.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

... what kind of cookies? >_>

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Evil cookies.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I think I may be able to understand what you're saying, because, for a while, I felt similar, things, with parts of myself feeling so contradictory that they felt like different people. I still feel that way in some ways, even if I'm more balanced now.

I don't personally see this as a sign that your deteriorating mentally, actually. Quite the opposite, actually, it seems, at least to me, like you're improving. It seems like you've become more comfortable with yourself by trying to acknowledging that side of you more and trying to repress it less.

And I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel a little bit closer to you when I think of you as Miles instead of Good Tails. Even if you usually sound like the latter to me.

I know that part of it, at least, is that I kind of see Miles as a ball of frustrations similar to my own. The desire for power, control, and recognition is one that I can easily relate to, somehow. I suppose it's a very human thing to feel.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I suppose it is very human... until it goes from being natural selfish human desires to being actively evil, which is where I worry a little. I suppose as long as I can balance myself between the two, I'll be okay.

The problem with me is that I can't seem to do things in moderation, only in extremes. Which is why I've always repressed that side to me, because it's really not at all nice.

But it's always good to have someone relate to this kind of craziness XD;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Maybe you slide to extremes a lot because you're not used to having a dark side, yet. As I know from experience, a little self-knowledge can change a lot. So, maybe you just need a little more time before you can comfortable that your darker half won't do anything that you'll regret.

And while I hesitated to bring this up since it reminded me of time roleplaying as "Bimbo Blaze", your dark side kinda reminds of Starscream from Transformers. I've always related strongly to that character since I was a kid, so I guess it makes sense that I'd relate strongly to you. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think you told me that a while back, actually, when we were talking about Miles.

Oh, I'm used to having a dark side XD;; I'm just not used to having that dark side decide to become its own unique identity co-inhabiting my brain. And then dissing me at every opportunity whilst trying to gain control :D

I do believe I am the far stronger aspect though, so I'm pretty sure my sanity is safe as long as nothing drastic happens :D

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I guess that's my Swiss Cheese memory for you. ^_~

It sounds, from what you're saying, that Miles is yelling at you because he gets bored from being "put to bed" too often. Maybe you'll get closer to a balanced co-existence if you gradually let him out to play more, being careful each time not to let him overwhelm the "good you." :)

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I think I understand it: I think I've had one of those, on and off, in the past.

I can't give much advice (though I can talk to you and see if more comes of it), but I can say that just because it's not the "default" way of doing things shouldn't bias you in terms of deciding whether this is a healthy/unhealthy/neutral thing for you. It could be any of those; and I'm inclined to think that being in communication with that part of yourself rather than letting it be a subconscious undercurrent can be a healthy thing, albeit intimidating because you're looking it right in the face.

But I think I get it. And various types of multiplicity/plurality/splitting of self can be normal, healthy and functional... or they can be neutral things that are just "different"... or they can be bad things, just like any other trait of a person. it's only society's norms that say these things are automatically More Weird and Less Functional than the norm. Or that they're a result of loneliness. Maybe they're instead a result of your mind having time to itself to think things through a bit, the way you sometimes can't when you're a constant presence. Not saying that's true for you, just providing the perspective that "it can be many things", just like athleticism or a fondness for maths or a sarcastic tendency.

As for what you should do... try to quash it if you're uncomfortable, but I don't think it can really hurt you. Exploring it may help. As long as you don't descend into being Miles too often, which could end up making you depressed and frustrated if that's how he feels - I've been down that route, I know what I'm talking about - I don't think there's anything wrong in talking to him.

And drop me a line if you ever need.

P.S. It's not batshit.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This was actually a really helpful comment and made me feel a lot better.

I'm not sure he'd want to talk to me (he doesn't like me [this part of me] and seems mostly scornful of everything I do), buuut I suppose there's no reason to actively kick him out if he's not actually hurting me.

Thanks also for the vote of 'not batshit' XD;

[eclective.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I think that we overestimate "crazy", often, as a society, and tend to conflate it with "things a lot of people experience in various ways but don't often talk about", or even with "things a handful of people experience that can be various kinds of adaptive or non-adaptive for them, but don't deserve to be deemed blanketly nuts and maladaptive when they take many forms".

I think as long as you're in control, which you've said you are so I shouldn't worry, it's all good. I think it's also good that you write these things, because... know thyself, and all that.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I suppose my biggest concern is how counter-productive it is that Miles hates me, when he's essentially part of me. I don't want to get sucked into a cycle of self-loathing, and that's exactly the kind of thing that's happened to me in the past (minus the dual identities).

But, like I was saying to Blaze up there, I think it could also be very useful for me to objectively see how hateful that part of me is, and to recognise which of my traits and habits are actively causing me problems. *Nod*

[ketunhenki.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. I developed my other side of me to help me to uhm.. adapt to spending so much time alone. I had very few friends as a kid and my parents were always taking care of my grandmother, so I was kind of stuck in my room ALL the time.

Then the other me formed a personality all her own, and she's ..well, she's not really GOOD but she's not evil either. But she's been with me my whole life. Ack. D: I talk to her, out loud, but as quietly as I can. My parents complain I spend too much time alone, but I can't help it. I've been alone so long that being around people doesn't work for me. xD

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh, hello Maria! It's good to hear from you.

I guess having a split personality isn't that uncommon then... and it's comforting to hear that you get along with yours seemingly comfortably (: Thanks for telling me about it, it helps.

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

...okay I-- just have to say it. |D

So long as you feel relatively-- I don't want to say comfortable, but... not-insane about the voices in your head? It sounds just like a Muse, dear. Something you know is part of you, but that argues with you and drives you nuts. XD And keeps you company, too~

So yes. Not as silly as you make it out to be! Especially with the 'kin thing. *nodnods* We all have facets of personality, dearheart. Givin' 'em names just makes us more creative~

Also, I totally read through the whole thing without really laughing! Mostly the "nah" to which I was like "HAHA SEE, I'M NOT INSANE EITHER~! x3" Different sort of laugh, then. &hearts

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Chasey XD Thanks for the support! Glad to know that it's not really THAT strange, even to my non-'kin friends.

Too bad there doesn't seem to be a way to choose who/what you get x.x Make the best of it, I guess! ♥ Thanks!

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

Oh lovey, support is always good~ x3! Besides, a little strangeness just made life all the more interesting! And I tend to think that if people don't have different so-called 'voices' in their head, they're probably way too bland. :P Again, we all have facets of personality~

THAT WOULD RUIN ALL THE FUN, THOUGH 8D;; *shot* @.o N-no, really though. I love getting evil voices in my head. It's disconcerting, but there's usually somethin' to be got out of 'em! Be it self-enlightenment or amusement... just don't be afraid to kick the other voices. *nods* <3<3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Do any of your muses actively hate you, Chasey? XD; Maybe you can teach me the best way to deal with that.

I know I need to keep any negative aspects of me in line, but I'm not sure how wise it would be to kick Miles XD;; The thing I worry about is the fact that I know he's created from the worst parts of me... and heck, you've seen the crap that happens when the worst parts of me get control. I can be pretty self-destructive.

Bleh, I worry too much. I'm sure it's all fine. It's just a little disconcerting ^^;;

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

...oh boy... a couple of 'em! They faded a little when I got better at accepting the fact that I've got my own 'dark side'? Vengeful, quick to anger, snarky, cold, hurtful-- the like. I'd say that my icedemon, Eve, was the closest thing. The weird thing was that the more I let her hang around, say her piece without directly refuting her? The more she calmed down. |D

I guess I meant a metaphorical kick? XD Like... huh. It's partly finding out what works to quiet a voice when it gets loud? Muses are a bit different here, I suppose, but I even have methods for them! Like-- algebra? Shuts my vampire Lee RIGHT up. With Eve, I seem to remember-- I would just have to LISTEN to whatever she said, accept her logic, and then act as I would, anyway. She was cold and logical, but you just have to... behave as you would. Accept Miles, but take the time to figure out how to peacefully quiet 'im or else let him equally in peace. (Or as peaceful/satisfied as he's willin' to get. XD)

Oh, it's disconcerting! But you're right, it's fine as it is. XD Just... I dunno, I'd definitely say you were one step ahead recognizing that the voice is your's. That already makes the rest of dealin' with a voice SO much easier. It takes away the 'crazy' part pretty readily. :3! <3

[minniemousegirl.livejournal.com]

I've been off an on like this for years with my alter ego....um....this is a problem? LOL!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I suppose it depends on what your alter-ego is like and how much control they have! XD Glad to see it's not as rare of a thing as I thought, though~

[(Anonymous)]

What you're describing sounds like the beginnings of DID (formerly known as MPD). From my own research, DID results from a person compartmentalizing aspects of their personality until said aspects solidify into their own distinct mental frameworks. The split occurs for a variety of reasons-- some are simply born with the disorder and so it happens as a matter of course as a result of the person's brain chemistry. Some develop it as a method for coping with trauma or similar complications.

Whether or not DID is a bad thing is left mostly up to context. While it is thought of as a disorder, the disorder is itself only primarily harmful if the person is unaware that it's happening to them or it has side effects such as being unable to manage or control your behavior. Some consider their DID adaptive or even as a preferred state of being, others are debilitated by it and choose to undergo therapy to properly reintegrate their personality. If you think it's going to harm you, then seek help. It's the only thing you can do.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Interesting... I dunno if I'd consider it DID, since I do know what's going on and that it's merely a part of me. But I'll bear it in mind. I don't think I need help, but if I ever do feel threatened by it, I certainly will seek help. Thanks.