Gone rogue (wtf)

[flyboy_fox]

I don't even... ugh. I hate dramus XD;; Mooooving swiftly on, from friends crap to trolling myself, whee~♪

I am having problems with Miles, my alter-ego :\ I'm not really sure what to do.

He kind of developed an identity all by himself that basically consists of the very worst of me, and then separated himself off into a unique individual thought-pattern. I've never had that happen before ^^; My 'kin stuff is very stupid and ridiculous anyway (and involves kin identities that are fluffy furries from a comic book/video game series) so I don't expect to find any answers, but it's kind of worrying when I find myself actually communicating with a part of my mind as if it were another person. Oh, and he hates me. Sigh.

I think this is just another symptom of me being lonely and not dealing well with living by myself XD;; It's been, what, less than a month? And already I'm talking to myself and slipping between mind-sets as if I'm actually supposed to have more than one. I know this isn't soul bonding or whatever, because Miles is definitely part of me. Just... a part that kind of went rogue. I've always had that part of me that never really integrated with the rest of me (it's a weird 'mode' I occasionally go into: cold, distant, sarcastic, cruel, mildly sado-masochistic, perversely logical, risk-taking and lacking in any emotion. Jei knows it from the few times she's witnessed it x.o I tend to just lock myself away when I get like that, so, yeah, it's fine.). I accidentally stumbled across a connection that assigned it a name, and now... yeah. I know... see a shrink, blah blah.

Nah.

I don't have any sort of personality disorder and I've always been a little crazy. This isn't that serious. It's just odd... and a little creepy. I feel like I'm in a war with the dark side of myself. I think I'd be more worried if I couldn't connect to that part at all. I can. I'm in control of it, it's me... just me in a very different mind-set, if that makes any sense. It's not really like another person. Sort of a left-hand/right-hand situation. I dunno. Lol. I'm weird.

So basically, the question is... do I let him continue to form his own identity inside my head, with the knowledge that essentially he can't do too much damage since he's basically a facet of me and therefore, at some level, under my control? And because it could be amusing to my bored mind? Or do I quash it now, just in case it could be problematic later?


If you read that without laughing your ass off at me or writing me off as bat-shit, well done. Maybe I am bat-shit. I think I just have a hyperactive imagination and am prone to having my mind play tricks on me. Despite occasional freak-outs in the past, I feel quite safe with my level of wtf-ery. All Sonic fans should be as crazy as me, it would be more fun! ... or not.

I am totally gonna play Caramelldansen now. Oh! And, and and and... I got a cross-trainer/elliptical today! Well... it's not gonna arrive 'til Saturday, but with that and the RC Gyrocopter coming before Sunday, it should be a fun weekend (: Quick fitness question: Does a cross-trainer/elliptical help with the stomach area or only arms/legs? If I wanna burn tummy fat, will I need a fairly rigorous stomach exercises floor program on top of daily cardio on the cross-trainer? I have such a typically Colombian shape - all the fat goes straight to my thighs and tummy, like a pear :P I wanna trim it down. No more flabby gut. So, advice from any fitness bods on that or using the cross-trainer in general?

♪♫Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta nagrå steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Missa inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med
Caramelldansen!♫♪

Edit: Icon... came out a little scary? O_o;; *FLEE!*

Comments

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Sorry I don't have any advice. My only reaction to this was "coooooool." But you know me, I'm fascinated by evil.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I think I may be able to understand what you're saying, because, for a while, I felt similar, things, with parts of myself feeling so contradictory that they felt like different people. I still feel that way in some ways, even if I'm more balanced now.

I don't personally see this as a sign that your deteriorating mentally, actually. Quite the opposite, actually, it seems, at least to me, like you're improving. It seems like you've become more comfortable with yourself by trying to acknowledging that side of you more and trying to repress it less.

And I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel a little bit closer to you when I think of you as Miles instead of Good Tails. Even if you usually sound like the latter to me.

I know that part of it, at least, is that I kind of see Miles as a ball of frustrations similar to my own. The desire for power, control, and recognition is one that I can easily relate to, somehow. I suppose it's a very human thing to feel.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have expected anything less from you, Sletia ;) Evil can be pretty fascinating, even if it's not usually my style.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I suppose it is very human... until it goes from being natural selfish human desires to being actively evil, which is where I worry a little. I suppose as long as I can balance myself between the two, I'll be okay.

The problem with me is that I can't seem to do things in moderation, only in extremes. Which is why I've always repressed that side to me, because it's really not at all nice.

But it's always good to have someone relate to this kind of craziness XD;

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I think I understand it: I think I've had one of those, on and off, in the past.

I can't give much advice (though I can talk to you and see if more comes of it), but I can say that just because it's not the "default" way of doing things shouldn't bias you in terms of deciding whether this is a healthy/unhealthy/neutral thing for you. It could be any of those; and I'm inclined to think that being in communication with that part of yourself rather than letting it be a subconscious undercurrent can be a healthy thing, albeit intimidating because you're looking it right in the face.

But I think I get it. And various types of multiplicity/plurality/splitting of self can be normal, healthy and functional... or they can be neutral things that are just "different"... or they can be bad things, just like any other trait of a person. it's only society's norms that say these things are automatically More Weird and Less Functional than the norm. Or that they're a result of loneliness. Maybe they're instead a result of your mind having time to itself to think things through a bit, the way you sometimes can't when you're a constant presence. Not saying that's true for you, just providing the perspective that "it can be many things", just like athleticism or a fondness for maths or a sarcastic tendency.

As for what you should do... try to quash it if you're uncomfortable, but I don't think it can really hurt you. Exploring it may help. As long as you don't descend into being Miles too often, which could end up making you depressed and frustrated if that's how he feels - I've been down that route, I know what I'm talking about - I don't think there's anything wrong in talking to him.

And drop me a line if you ever need.

P.S. It's not batshit.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

... what kind of cookies? >_>

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This was actually a really helpful comment and made me feel a lot better.

I'm not sure he'd want to talk to me (he doesn't like me [this part of me] and seems mostly scornful of everything I do), buuut I suppose there's no reason to actively kick him out if he's not actually hurting me.

Thanks also for the vote of 'not batshit' XD;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Maybe you slide to extremes a lot because you're not used to having a dark side, yet. As I know from experience, a little self-knowledge can change a lot. So, maybe you just need a little more time before you can comfortable that your darker half won't do anything that you'll regret.

And while I hesitated to bring this up since it reminded me of time roleplaying as "Bimbo Blaze", your dark side kinda reminds of Starscream from Transformers. I've always related strongly to that character since I was a kid, so I guess it makes sense that I'd relate strongly to you. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think you told me that a while back, actually, when we were talking about Miles.

Oh, I'm used to having a dark side XD;; I'm just not used to having that dark side decide to become its own unique identity co-inhabiting my brain. And then dissing me at every opportunity whilst trying to gain control :D

I do believe I am the far stronger aspect though, so I'm pretty sure my sanity is safe as long as nothing drastic happens :D

[eclective.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I think that we overestimate "crazy", often, as a society, and tend to conflate it with "things a lot of people experience in various ways but don't often talk about", or even with "things a handful of people experience that can be various kinds of adaptive or non-adaptive for them, but don't deserve to be deemed blanketly nuts and maladaptive when they take many forms".

I think as long as you're in control, which you've said you are so I shouldn't worry, it's all good. I think it's also good that you write these things, because... know thyself, and all that.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. I guess that's my Swiss Cheese memory for you. ^_~

It sounds, from what you're saying, that Miles is yelling at you because he gets bored from being "put to bed" too often. Maybe you'll get closer to a balanced co-existence if you gradually let him out to play more, being careful each time not to let him overwhelm the "good you." :)

[ketunhenki.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. I developed my other side of me to help me to uhm.. adapt to spending so much time alone. I had very few friends as a kid and my parents were always taking care of my grandmother, so I was kind of stuck in my room ALL the time.

Then the other me formed a personality all her own, and she's ..well, she's not really GOOD but she's not evil either. But she's been with me my whole life. Ack. D: I talk to her, out loud, but as quietly as I can. My parents complain I spend too much time alone, but I can't help it. I've been alone so long that being around people doesn't work for me. xD

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think he just hates me 'cause he's him and I'm me e.e; No amount of anything I 'let' him do will change that. He's just a hateful little brat ^^; But that's okay. It's probably good for me to get an objective view of how hateful I can sometimes be. :\

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Evil cookies.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I suppose my biggest concern is how counter-productive it is that Miles hates me, when he's essentially part of me. I don't want to get sucked into a cycle of self-loathing, and that's exactly the kind of thing that's happened to me in the past (minus the dual identities).

But, like I was saying to Blaze up there, I think it could also be very useful for me to objectively see how hateful that part of me is, and to recognise which of my traits and habits are actively causing me problems. *Nod*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh, hello Maria! It's good to hear from you.

I guess having a split personality isn't that uncommon then... and it's comforting to hear that you get along with yours seemingly comfortably (: Thanks for telling me about it, it helps.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

It's kind of an interesting situation, in a way. You have two sides of yourself, both equally opposed to each other, yet both equally you.

I kind of feel like you won't totally happy until both sides are reconciled somehow. But maybe you're on right track, at least. You seem to have grown in understanding of your dual selves, even if it's not a complete understanding yet.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I think it's also important to remember that... we all have our times when someone pisses us off, or we're grumpy and tired, or some switch just flips in our brain, and we just want to hurt someone, torture them, make them suffer. It sounds absolutely horrid, but we really have all had those moments, when we've thought things about someone (or a group, or a culture, etc.) that were completely uncharitable and mean and ugly that we would never, ever want to entertain consciously or say out loud and that, when we do get a glimpse of them, absolutely horrify us.

I think it's normal to feel bad for having them, but it's also... normal to have them, and I don't think it makes you a worse person than anyone else. Being able to let your conscious mind be aware of them might actually make you better.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

... Fuckin' sold!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Face the ugly head on. I can see how that might be beneficial in the end.

It's true, everyone has evil thoughts every now and then. I'd rather not encourage an identity who is basically made up solely of those nasty traits 24/7, but as long as it doesn't take over, I guess I'm fine.

The other aspect, as well as making sure that I don't hurt others, is making sure that I don't hurt myself. I'm bad enough with bad habits as it is (for example, all the vodka I drink). As long as I remember it's MY responsibility, no matter which part of me is 'driving', I should be able to make sensible decisions ^^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Interesting indeed. Possibly the most fascinating thing that's happened to me in a long time ^^;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

It might also help to let out some of those bad thoughts in fiction, even if it's writing you only ever see yourself. Perhaps a kind of a "nastyness journal" to get certain urges out of your system so they don't manifest, or at least manifest less, in reality.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Miles... actually did make a journal, a little earlier. But he's not posted in it yet, and maybe he never will. He's too busy being a creepy little cuss. If he decides to make plans to take over the world, he might use it for that x.x

[sletia.livejournal.com]

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/003/a/3/Come_to_the_dark_side____by_MayuPokeSama.jpg