The real me ._.

[flyboy_fox]

I'm supposed to be doing an NVQ3 Childcare Qualification in September, working in a preschool setting.

I lost my temper at my brother's loud music blasting from his room again and I threw my telephone handset on the ground in a fit of irrational rage and frustration. My mom said that I'm violent and therefore I shouldn't work with children because they're vulnerable and I might hurt them.

I've never hated myself more than I do right now.

I was so mad at myself, I totally slashed up my left arm with a scissor-blade. I hate myself even more now, because that's such a pathetic irrational EMO thing to do. I'm disgusting.

Everyone who said I'm coping well... you're wrong. You've only seen me here. You haven't seen behind the scenes.

My sensory problems are more extreme than they've ever been because of the stress, and all the progress I made on controlling my mood swings and irrational outbursts over the past few years have come undone in a matter of days. There was a time when I almost went into a care home because of my sensory and emotional problems. I fought it and I managed to become almost normal - IF there was nothing to stress me out and send me back to square one.

My brother has hated and resented me for years because of my 'special needs'. I don't blame him. I would hate me too. Online is the only place I can seem 'normal'. You guys don't have to see me cry out and clamp my hands over my ears when there's a thunderstorm. You don't have to deal with my fits of hyper-rationality when I've had an emotional overload and become completely emotionless and cold, like a robot for a couple hours. You don't have to see me burst into tears when there's an incessant noise that keeps going on, that most people would just grit their teeth and ignore. You see the things I type here, but you don't see that my grandest achievements are just leaving the house by myself without having a panic attack. Or dealing with making phone calls without freaking out and slamming the phone down.

I will never be normal. Most of the time I try to pretend that I am, because I don't have to interact too much with life and stress. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I have all my limbs intact. My parents are both alive. My family, while not rich, is not dirt poor either. I've had an education, I have food, a roof over my head, clothes on my back. Despite having a somewhat broken family, I wasn't abused, and I live with the parent I actually like. I have so much compared to some.

But I'm dysfunctional. I used to get called a 'spastic' and 'psycho' by my brother and his friends, and it's easy for me to see why.

I don't want to take drugs again. SSID inhibitors or whatever they are. The NHS prescribes them FAR too easily, and drugs are not good. But I'm thinking of going back to the doctor, before we leave. Dr Kay. She's really nice and she knows my entire case history. If I have to go on mood-suppressing drugs at least until things are stable in my life again, so be it. I'd rather be a personality-less zombie than the freak of nature I truly am. I'm no use to anyone right now.

Comments

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

You seem to be doing better than your brother, though.

((flyboy_fox))

Do you figure the NHS is getting a kickback from the pharmaceuticals, like American HMO's do?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You wouldn't think so, what with the NHS being supposedly entirely tax funded... they're certainly not SUPPOSED to benefit from pushing certain pharmaceuticals. It's not even legal here for hormonal treatments (such as the pill, or menopausal HRT) or mood altering/anti-depression drugs to be advertised on TV or in magazines. I remember finding it very odd that they're advertised openly in America.

But nothing's ever fully above-board x.x I imagine certainly companies will have their 'label' pushed, and that the NHS powers probably do benefit from it, even if it's not declared.

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

....... *hugs you* I'm sorry, Jai.

Wish there was something that I could say to cheer you up.

Be strong, Jai.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks Tifa. I know you're going through a hard time yourself, so it's very kind of you to comment here.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, you are NOT a freak of nature and you should not hurt yourself! You're going through a tough time... tough enough that I would have been surpised if you didn't lose your temper at least once. That's no reason to come down on yourself too hard and *I* think you'd be fine to work with kids. Yes, of course it's stressful at times but not in the same way things are stressful now. You should never count something out of your life.... and I'm here to help you in any way I possibly can, I'll always stand by you... I hope you know that.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I know you will, Jei-ji. I dunno why though. But tankuu.

[tallycola.livejournal.com]

See, all that stuff you just described about yourself doesn't seem like it *has* to be a problem for other people. People handle everything different, and there is "rational" or "irrational" way to handle anything, really. If someone can't deal with the things that make you slightly different to anyone else (and really only slightly- to you it's thunderstorms and talking on the phone, to someone else it might be elevators or being left alone), that's their problem. Granted, I don't know you well enough to say, but I don't think you need mood enhancers- at my core I don't think anyone does. I think you need to love yourself a little more.

And dude, you would know as well as I that it is SO much easier to lose your patience with adults than with children. Getting overwhelmed with children is a whole different story to getting pissed off at adults.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't want drugs either. I just wanna get through this without ruining my family x.x

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

Define "normal".
Look, I can't really say I know exactly what you're going through. I can't say that any one in my family has hated me, and I can't say that I've ever really hated myself... And personally, I'm not so sure you do. There have been times for me when I felt like the most pathetic, undeserving thing on this planet, but it passes. Beating (or cutting) yourself up is a way of feeling something more than nothing, from what I can infer. Please, don't feel empty like that. I'm really new to this LJ thing, but already I recognise you as someone full of helpful advice and a hopeful disposition. Whether or not it helps, remember that people care, and that you are of use: you make me for one feel like an accepted, welcomed person here, and you've helped me along a lot.

As for the preschool thing... I really don't think you should be kept away from them. Kids are wonderful little buggers, and patience isn't often a factor of concern with them. You recognise their innocence; adults have no excuse. (And remind me to smack your brother over the head for "hating" you... >:()
I'm glad you chose to post, and I'm glad that you trust people with your feelings like this. And I'm sending my best wishes your way. Namaste, Jai. *hugs*

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

One last thing...
Just for you, Jai
(the cat in my sonic persona, just a sorta representation...)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. That was a really sweet thing to do for me... and thanks for the comment too ::Hugs:: I'm glad I haven't scared you away with my stupid angst.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Sphix. Considering you haven't known me very long, that was an incredibly kind response and I'm glad I haven't scared you away from my journal. I'm not usually angsty like this. Thanks for the kind comment.

[naoe-riki.livejournal.com]

It's gonna be alright. I perfectly know this life isn't a cake, and I do feel a lot of non-physical pain, but you know what? This life has its awesome moments. I don't really believe it's possible for the person to change some parts of him/her, but it is possible to want to change. It's possible to change some parts of you and that would be well worth it. What I mean is that one can become kind to others and then nothing else about the person would matter. Sorry for my incoherent comment.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's true... I suppose as long as a person is good at heart and genuinely tries to be a good person, then they shouldn't feel too bad about the flaws they can't change. I just hope that I truly am a good person, because I sometimes think I'm not.

[naoe-riki.livejournal.com]

I believe you're a good person.

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

First, if anything I say is repetitive, I'm sorry. This'll probably sound like things you've heard before...but I'm gonna try my best to answer them anyway.

Well, ya mentioned the childcare thing - Believe me when I say that working with children is...different. It can most certainly be stressful, but for some reason it's just easier to keep things inside when you're dealing with kids. It's probably a little built in thing that we've all had put in us via society, but it's hard to go on a rampage with a kid. The worst thing that could possibly happen is yelling. It's also innately easier to keep things down when you're in more of a situation that demands it. I get pissed quite often at my brother. Other people do the same thing he does, but it doesn't make me go berserk, and I can only assume it's because there's more restrictions there, even if they're created by myself subconsciously. You know I'm not the holiest of people when it comes to langauge. When I was working at the YMCA, vulgarity only escaped my mouth once, and that was when I tripped over a log falling backward. A part of me also despises kids, but I was still able to get a job in the field and keep it; I'm sure you can deal with kids much better than I can.

Sorry for the allusion, but my point here is not to worry about the children thing. It's a completely different environment. Anyone who tells you otherwise has not taken care of multiple kids in a situation where they don't make the rules. You won't hurt anybody unless you really like hitting kids. And you don't. You'll do fine.



I'm glad you decided to write a little about this. It's not going to mean much coming from me, but don't hate yourself. That road, once we start thinking about it, never really goes away and it's just a downward spiral.

You know, I've never really agreed with the cutting thing. But that's because every time I see it, it's from someone who cuts themselves at least once a week, probably closer to every other day or something along those lines. A true emo, in a manner of speaking - those that have good lives but focus purely on the negative and convince themselves that they have it so terrible. In your situation, though, I don't think it's as bad as you make it out to be. You don't do the aforementioned. As you said, this is your online stuff; we don't see behind the scenes. But here, you keep a rather sunny disposition a lot of the time. You're not just whining, not just feeling sorry for yourself, not wanting to see yourself dead, etc etc. You're only human; bound to break down every now and then. So, in the event that it happens, you cut. That's a sign of personal punishment. You think you weren't good enough, so you hurt yourself. It's an extension of what a lot of people do in smaller situations. Say something stupid to a friend? Sometimes we smack ourselves a little. Bad grade? Fists on the head, though not something like a direct punch. Smack a book against our forehead - stuff like that. We're just thiking stupid, stupid, stupid...mainly because we expected better of ourselves and we let ourselves down. It happens, and this just seems like a bigger degree of the same thing. As bad as you may think it is, I feel it's the same kind of thing, and you're only doing it because it's a way you've done it in the past so you're more familiar with it.

Enough of that. The care home, the sensory problems...well, you said you fought it before, right? It's easier to fight the same thing a second time when it comes around. Doing something again is almost always much simpler when it comes to the second, third, fourth time. I can't even begin to list examples, some of which happened to me today. There's too many. So let's say everything was undone and you actually were back at square one (Which I doubt, by the way - don't sell yourself short like that ^^; ). It won't take as long to get it back. Stress happens to all of us, and this is a very stressful time for you. It's ok if you don't handle everything with perfection. It's ok to blunder.

Continued in the next comment ^^;

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

Continuing from the previous comment…

You don't blame your brother for hating you? I do. So you've got some issues that haven't worked themselves out yet. They will eventually. You're certainly not the only one I know that's terrified of lightning, by the way. At least that's a more rational fear than the crap I have going, heh. You know, over the past week or so I've probably lost around 2 hours of sleep per night. Why? My mind wanders to the shit that freaks me out, and for some reason The Ring always comes back to mind. All that paranormal shit. Even now, without music playing, I'd be scared. Speaking of which, I need to put music on now, heh.

Ok, music playing - yay. So what else? Ah, the emotional overload? Again, we're only human. You go through a lot of emotional times, and sometimes it's just easier to shut ourselves off from emotions. It gives us time to recover when there's just been too much going on. I think it's a form of isolation, similar to going to a room, shutting the dooor, and just getting away from people. Sometimes, ya just want to be alone. And when it doesn't happen, the easiest way to get back to being alone is to be rather indifferent and stoic.

I know those were just some examples you dug up. I know you've got others that you'll probably have thought of or are thinking of as you read this. I can say it's ok all I want, I'm pretty sure it's not going to have a big effect, even though I, and others, believe it to be true. Some of these things, if not many more, I think can be linked to you not having any offline friends, as you say. Look back at the emotionless and cold thing ya said - really, if one has just been through a ton of stuff...would they want to discuss it with anyone who isn't a friend? Not a family member, not a relative - someone they've met and consider a genuine person. You haven't had someone there outside the unconditional support of some family members to support you in a long time, and that takes its toll on people. I have a feeling that if that were to change, you'd take off in ways you can...well, I'd say only imagine, but I think you can do more than imagine them. You'll actually take off in those ways, hehe.

We all know that being normal isn't exactly the highest sought after thing. There's no need for me to say anything on this - you recognize that, while you have problems, you still have certain things. This recognition alone, by the way, is enough for me to see the cutting in a different light.

Dysfunctional, though. I'm not going to lie - you've got some things going that do make it difficult for you to cope in certain areas of society. Again, I'm going to link that to horrible luck in obtaining offline friends. I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but...I really do think that the presence of others helps so much. More than we realize.

You're not psycho though :P Faaaaaar from it. You're having trouble right now, but I don't think it's going to last forever.

Continued again…

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

Last time, sorry.

The drugs...I'd rather not see you go personality-less, but if you feel it's best for you, then go ahead. I will say that you're not a freak of nature by any means. And I will certainly say that you are of use to people. I've been there before, and the simple truth is...well, look around. Sure, we're all online (cept Jei), but we're here. Ultimately, we're gonna decide whether you're 'worthy' or not. I can tell that we've made up our minds, heh. It's true, we don't know you offline, just as you don't know us. Heck, closest I've come to anything offline with you was you calling me to find out what your cell phone number was, hehe ;)

However....online things...they may not accurately tell us who everyone is, how they act offline, etc etc. They do, though, tell us what people are truly like at their core, if we look deep enough. I believe I've seen this in you, as well as other friends I know from this 'series of tubes' (sorry, had to say it once :P). And that's what matters. If people can see that, they can look past these other things that you're beating yourself up over.

I feel like stuff isn't coming out quite right...but I think I'll stop talking for now. It's long enough already, sorry ^^;

Jai, you're a good person. You're more than good, actually. People here see past what those offline don't get a chance to, and I can pretty much assure that those here would not even think of rejecting you for the problems you have. Keep pushing forward ^_^

::Hugs tight::

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Lunar... I don't know what to say... but thanks. I might have to read all that a couple times before it settles in; my brain isn't really working at top gear right now ^^; But thanks for all that.

I was thinking, perhaps my doctor could prescribe me a sedative rather than a mood-altering drug. It's not so much that depression is the problem... more that it's a symptom, a result of this sensory-overload thing I have. Maybe a sedative would just calm me down enough so that I stop freaking out over every tiny thing.

One good thing did happen between last night and this morning... it's weird actually. I've been having nightmares solidly every night for weeks... but last night, despite being more stressed than ever, I actually had a good dream. I dreamt that I was having another bi-plane lesson, heh. And this time, my instructor let me have the controls the whole time, and it was really cool.

I think I'm supposed to be going to IKEA right about now x.x So I guess I'd best get going. Thanks again for the comment; it's awesome of you to spend that much time on me ::Hugs:: Thanks.

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

Heh, sorry ^^; You know as well as anybody that once I start saying something I can get...rather verbose and long-winded. Hope you don't mind when I do, eep. But hey, what are friends for? ^^;

A sedative may not be a bad alternative to try. If it has the change to help ya woth your worries, it's certainly something to ask about. I've found if you lay in bed all day you're kinda naturally sedated :P

Dreams are so fucked up. You'll have the best day of your life and dream about muffins and bananas invading the earth, turning everyone you know and love into lawn chairs, then capturing you and taking you back to their home planet made of stainless steel. And no, I've never had that dream :P In any case, I'm glad you had a good one last night ^_^ that has to help.

IKEA, eh? Such a convenient place, just overpriced in general around here ^_^; I hope you have a good time while out and find what you're looking for ^^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Now I'm craving banana muffins. Thanks a lot, Lunar :P

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

Before I comment on this, I read your entire post but not the whole commenting spree afterwards.
I am also aware you don't know me too well as I don't use AIM, but at least I do read your lj.

But the thing is though, I know that life is hard for you.
Even moreso since my brother has the same thing, though "thankfully" a light version.
Or at least of what i've been told, and knowing how much problems it causes for him I couldn't start to imagine how that can be for those who have it worse then him.
I guess one of the "best" things about my brother is that he doesn't get so violent when angered, but he still gets in enough problems either way.

And even though you could say it's "different" to not always understand other people's emotionally, don't do well with strange people around, and even having trouble motivating yourself for education or things your not really interested in..
And my brother is on such "drugs"to lighten his mood as well, though I don't see anything really improving to be honest.
I don't belief that makes you a freak, you can't help how you are and who ever defined what's normal anyway?

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

(continued)
If normal is how "most" of the people on the world are, it would still define half the planet as freaks as nobody is the same and everybody has their own quirks.
And it's not that those "quirks" are all that's to your character.
My brother may have his obsessions, lazyness and lack of interest causing him to fail at school, and yes some things do irritate me about him, but I still like him.
And at heart you are a good person as well, even with some things that makes it harder to cope with others it doesn't mean your a freak.
You didn't choose to be thw way you are, nobody does, and the way you have tried to make such big steps to become more "normal" is truly admirable.
But it's not like you need to be all that normal, it's good you try to improve on things that make you do better in life but don't push yourself to much back.
Simple things like an obsession, fear of lightning or other simple things are really not things that are so strange.
I know someone that is so scared of lightning/thunder she can't sleep or even leave the house.
At one time she was at a train station she didn't dare leave because of it.

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

(continued)

I'm not really normal either, as I have a rather big obsession with plushies ( I have a plushie collection I am proud off)
I also sleep with plushies in bed, and even besides that I don't really act "normal" as you may or may not know.
So some things may just be a whole lot more "normal" then you think, and it's just not everyone accepts things that are different being the reason they may make you feel like an outcast.
I don't truly have RL friends either, and my best friends are online.

It's just hard to find acceptance at schools, as if some things are heard by the wrong ears you'll be stuck with it till the end of the school days. On the internet is a bit more of a private conversation possible so it has less risk.

As for the many things you list, many are recognisable, and also many shouldn't bring you down as much as they do.
The self harming bit is really common, and yes it can be seen as a sort of "emo" thing if you wish, but hatign yourself over it won't help unless you deal with the source.
Fact is, your just realy low on selfesteem for various reasons.
Even though i'm not a psychologist nor am very good at motivating people, I do belief that the comments here on your lj (no offence on this) have no substantial and permanent "feel good" effect.

So in order to truly improve your selfesteem I could try telling you many things, but nothing will be of help.
You will need to try and find it back yourself in things your really good at and find rewarding. Or things you really like and are obsessed with, prefferably something you create or artistic talents.
Like drawing which you already do, as peopel see it and compliment you on it showing you are good at something.
But what i'm really trying to get at is a more constant postive influence as a RL friend.
I know that is hard, but the way I found friends was through the internet and met up with them.
(well actually one came to visit my house)

I don't belief meeting up with people liek this will work out that easily, as I didn't had the courage to tell my parents he was someone I never met before either.
So what may be a bit easier to do is having a friend you write or ,even better, call on the phone occasionally.
It's just a proven fact that things said to you directly through voice or actually meeting the person in RL has a bigger effect then somethign you read on a computer screen.
It just gives more of the idea people mean it, ofcourse you will first need to find a good friend in England willing to give you a call and such. But if you can make that possible i'm sure you will have a lot more benefit from it..
It just makes you believe people really mean it when they say something. (it's just a psychological thing, i'm not saying text or these comments are completetly meaningless)

You could even try skype or use a chat on msn if you have a microphone.(besides calling that way is free then)

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

sorry, lj didn't let me post it in one time ^^;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you Helios ^^ That was very kind of you, to type all that up. Your advice is good... I'll read through again and try to take it in more thoroughly. Thanks so much.

[rabbit-hugs.livejournal.com]

Don't hurt yourself. ;_;

I know what you mean about not wanting to take drugs. Heck, I will put off taking tylenol for a headache/pain for as long as I can. I have been on anxiety/anti-depressants for 8 years...and chances are, I won't be able to ever get off of them. I've tried twice...but both times I went without, I went back to be irritable, moody and bitchy...as well as worried over every frickin' thing! I know there are a lot of people out there who think drugs are bad, but I think there are people who DO need them. I'm not saying you do, I don't know you that well. ^_^ I think of it like this...I don't like the person I am without them. I don't want Miles to see that person. I want him to see the person I am suppose to be...if it weren't for my silly chemical imbalance. It does bother me to think that I'll be taking pills the rest of my life...but I think the pros here outweigh the cons. All 3 of my other siblings were on meds as well, but two of us will be taking them the rest of our lives. It runs in the fam.

Anyway, I'm rambling. It can't hurt to talk to the doctor.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, guess I just need to talk it through with my doctor. That's one of the things I'm worried about with this move... gonna have to register with a new one. I like the doctor I have now - she knows all the ins and outs of my entire crazy case history of the past 13 years since I moved here. Don't really wanna start over and get to know a new one. But anyway, yeah, I'll talk to her before the move, and see what she suggests.

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

Wow, sounds a lot like me. ^^; Won't say what's wrong with me, but I'm the kind that will absolutely LOSE what 'normalcy' I have if I enter a room with a checkered/tiled floor.
I MUST step on only the dark tiles, or ONLY the light tiles, or switch from stepping on the tiles on the right to the left, right to the left- mess up on on and I gotto step on the one I missed twice to undo that one, then I get confused and- just have to get across the room as fast as I can so I don't spend eternity making sure I'm not walking 'wrong.' ... And then my dad will be yelling at me for looking at the floor while I walk and for walking wrong. x_X;;

Same with me, it's MUCH easier to seem normal online.

>>>I'm no use to anyone right now.

That part is SO WRONG.
You made me smile, remember?! -CLING- I need you! T-T I'm sure some other need you too!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aw, yeah, I remember making you smile ^^ yay!

And yeah, I know all about obsessive things like that.
I can't even LOOK at checkered floor tiles though, 'cause they do something really weird to my eyes that makes it look like the floor is moving beneath me ^^;

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

^__^ -clingcling- Yes, very yay!

I have tiled bedroom floors. x.x; Only they're REALLY big marble tiles, so I'd have to HOP to move from one to the other and they're slippery... so my obsession at least knows they're not worth it. xD; And most of them are covered with rugs and things. So it's good.

xD; I'm like that with the ocean. ... Which IS moving, but I think the land is moving FARTHER away and I'm just standing there... then I get lost.
With the shore a few feet away. xDDD;

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

Sorry I posted a bit late, I've had a bit on my mind since last night and that was when I saw the entry first time

Damn though...you're going through an even rougher time than I thought ;___; And dude, we all get really pissed off sometimes, and I mean REALLY REALLY pissed off, I know as well as you do what it's like to get pissed off with a sibling, okay sure mine is nowhere as bad as yours, but well, you get the idea.

But please, don't say you're no use to anyone, I know loads of people (Jei, Sull, Lunar, myself, etc...) who see you as a really good and trustworthy friend, I've told you things long before I posted them on my LJ and you made me see my obsessivness as a good thing because I was being myself, and not a bad thing.

You'll get through all of this, trust me, you're coping better than I would. *Hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the late reply ^^ I'm just glad you replied. Thanks Leon.

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

And just for the record, I'd probably end up smashing something to if my sister played her music 24/7 full blast (Not that she would though, she can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but I'd take her over that brother of yours anyday, yeesh, glad you don't have to live with him for much longer) too. I know what it's like as an Auspie to have to deal with loud noises (She can play my PS2 rather loud on the TV right behind me X.x Not out of spite though) and it's hell, it really is. So don't beat yourself up for blowing a fuse

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I've been one something called 'anti-depressants' for a while. If you don't overdose, you don't become personality-less. But I'm not sure if it's the same thing.

Whatever happens, though, I really pray that you pull through!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks.

I think it would be antidepressants, but I guess it would depend on which one they prescribe.

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

-nodnod- I suppose so.

[moth-wingthane.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I only just got to read this post. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just reading the comments up above shows some of the support you've got in your friends and they wouldn't do that if you were really horrible now, would they? :) And you seem perfectly okay to me too.

One thing though, if I may say - avoid taking drugs for as long as you can. Someone close to me has used various things in the past and the results weren't wonderful. I know it's easy for me to sit here and say that though but the way I look at it is that even if it's not the 'you' that you want, it's all real.

Oh, and that thing about the chequer floor - I get that with horizontal stripes. It's supposedly something to do with the way the brain is wired in us oh so lucky migraine sufferers.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I've had less-than-pleasant results from drugs too, including visual hallucinations... they weren't fun :P So yeah, I'm likely to avoid drugs as much as I can. I'm sure there are less drastic options that might help.

Ick, stripes are evil too :P and certain other patterns like zigzags. It's supposedly to do with how migraine-sufferers' brains are wired? Oh joy. We get the best of everything, huh? ^^;