The real me ._.

[flyboy_fox]

I'm supposed to be doing an NVQ3 Childcare Qualification in September, working in a preschool setting.

I lost my temper at my brother's loud music blasting from his room again and I threw my telephone handset on the ground in a fit of irrational rage and frustration. My mom said that I'm violent and therefore I shouldn't work with children because they're vulnerable and I might hurt them.

I've never hated myself more than I do right now.

I was so mad at myself, I totally slashed up my left arm with a scissor-blade. I hate myself even more now, because that's such a pathetic irrational EMO thing to do. I'm disgusting.

Everyone who said I'm coping well... you're wrong. You've only seen me here. You haven't seen behind the scenes.

My sensory problems are more extreme than they've ever been because of the stress, and all the progress I made on controlling my mood swings and irrational outbursts over the past few years have come undone in a matter of days. There was a time when I almost went into a care home because of my sensory and emotional problems. I fought it and I managed to become almost normal - IF there was nothing to stress me out and send me back to square one.

My brother has hated and resented me for years because of my 'special needs'. I don't blame him. I would hate me too. Online is the only place I can seem 'normal'. You guys don't have to see me cry out and clamp my hands over my ears when there's a thunderstorm. You don't have to deal with my fits of hyper-rationality when I've had an emotional overload and become completely emotionless and cold, like a robot for a couple hours. You don't have to see me burst into tears when there's an incessant noise that keeps going on, that most people would just grit their teeth and ignore. You see the things I type here, but you don't see that my grandest achievements are just leaving the house by myself without having a panic attack. Or dealing with making phone calls without freaking out and slamming the phone down.

I will never be normal. Most of the time I try to pretend that I am, because I don't have to interact too much with life and stress. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I have all my limbs intact. My parents are both alive. My family, while not rich, is not dirt poor either. I've had an education, I have food, a roof over my head, clothes on my back. Despite having a somewhat broken family, I wasn't abused, and I live with the parent I actually like. I have so much compared to some.

But I'm dysfunctional. I used to get called a 'spastic' and 'psycho' by my brother and his friends, and it's easy for me to see why.

I don't want to take drugs again. SSID inhibitors or whatever they are. The NHS prescribes them FAR too easily, and drugs are not good. But I'm thinking of going back to the doctor, before we leave. Dr Kay. She's really nice and she knows my entire case history. If I have to go on mood-suppressing drugs at least until things are stable in my life again, so be it. I'd rather be a personality-less zombie than the freak of nature I truly am. I'm no use to anyone right now.

Comments

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

-nodnod- I suppose so.