The real me ._.
Aug. 13th, 2006 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyboy_foxI'm supposed to be doing an NVQ3 Childcare Qualification in September, working in a preschool setting.
I lost my temper at my brother's loud music blasting from his room again and I threw my telephone handset on the ground in a fit of irrational rage and frustration. My mom said that I'm violent and therefore I shouldn't work with children because they're vulnerable and I might hurt them.
I've never hated myself more than I do right now.
I was so mad at myself, I totally slashed up my left arm with a scissor-blade. I hate myself even more now, because that's such a pathetic irrational EMO thing to do. I'm disgusting.
Everyone who said I'm coping well... you're wrong. You've only seen me here. You haven't seen behind the scenes.
My sensory problems are more extreme than they've ever been because of the stress, and all the progress I made on controlling my mood swings and irrational outbursts over the past few years have come undone in a matter of days. There was a time when I almost went into a care home because of my sensory and emotional problems. I fought it and I managed to become almost normal - IF there was nothing to stress me out and send me back to square one.
My brother has hated and resented me for years because of my 'special needs'. I don't blame him. I would hate me too. Online is the only place I can seem 'normal'. You guys don't have to see me cry out and clamp my hands over my ears when there's a thunderstorm. You don't have to deal with my fits of hyper-rationality when I've had an emotional overload and become completely emotionless and cold, like a robot for a couple hours. You don't have to see me burst into tears when there's an incessant noise that keeps going on, that most people would just grit their teeth and ignore. You see the things I type here, but you don't see that my grandest achievements are just leaving the house by myself without having a panic attack. Or dealing with making phone calls without freaking out and slamming the phone down.
I will never be normal. Most of the time I try to pretend that I am, because I don't have to interact too much with life and stress. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I have all my limbs intact. My parents are both alive. My family, while not rich, is not dirt poor either. I've had an education, I have food, a roof over my head, clothes on my back. Despite having a somewhat broken family, I wasn't abused, and I live with the parent I actually like. I have so much compared to some.
But I'm dysfunctional. I used to get called a 'spastic' and 'psycho' by my brother and his friends, and it's easy for me to see why.
I don't want to take drugs again. SSID inhibitors or whatever they are. The NHS prescribes them FAR too easily, and drugs are not good. But I'm thinking of going back to the doctor, before we leave. Dr Kay. She's really nice and she knows my entire case history. If I have to go on mood-suppressing drugs at least until things are stable in my life again, so be it. I'd rather be a personality-less zombie than the freak of nature I truly am. I'm no use to anyone right now.
I lost my temper at my brother's loud music blasting from his room again and I threw my telephone handset on the ground in a fit of irrational rage and frustration. My mom said that I'm violent and therefore I shouldn't work with children because they're vulnerable and I might hurt them.
I've never hated myself more than I do right now.
I was so mad at myself, I totally slashed up my left arm with a scissor-blade. I hate myself even more now, because that's such a pathetic irrational EMO thing to do. I'm disgusting.
Everyone who said I'm coping well... you're wrong. You've only seen me here. You haven't seen behind the scenes.
My sensory problems are more extreme than they've ever been because of the stress, and all the progress I made on controlling my mood swings and irrational outbursts over the past few years have come undone in a matter of days. There was a time when I almost went into a care home because of my sensory and emotional problems. I fought it and I managed to become almost normal - IF there was nothing to stress me out and send me back to square one.
My brother has hated and resented me for years because of my 'special needs'. I don't blame him. I would hate me too. Online is the only place I can seem 'normal'. You guys don't have to see me cry out and clamp my hands over my ears when there's a thunderstorm. You don't have to deal with my fits of hyper-rationality when I've had an emotional overload and become completely emotionless and cold, like a robot for a couple hours. You don't have to see me burst into tears when there's an incessant noise that keeps going on, that most people would just grit their teeth and ignore. You see the things I type here, but you don't see that my grandest achievements are just leaving the house by myself without having a panic attack. Or dealing with making phone calls without freaking out and slamming the phone down.
I will never be normal. Most of the time I try to pretend that I am, because I don't have to interact too much with life and stress. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. I have all my limbs intact. My parents are both alive. My family, while not rich, is not dirt poor either. I've had an education, I have food, a roof over my head, clothes on my back. Despite having a somewhat broken family, I wasn't abused, and I live with the parent I actually like. I have so much compared to some.
But I'm dysfunctional. I used to get called a 'spastic' and 'psycho' by my brother and his friends, and it's easy for me to see why.
I don't want to take drugs again. SSID inhibitors or whatever they are. The NHS prescribes them FAR too easily, and drugs are not good. But I'm thinking of going back to the doctor, before we leave. Dr Kay. She's really nice and she knows my entire case history. If I have to go on mood-suppressing drugs at least until things are stable in my life again, so be it. I'd rather be a personality-less zombie than the freak of nature I truly am. I'm no use to anyone right now.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 08:40 am (UTC)You don't blame your brother for hating you? I do. So you've got some issues that haven't worked themselves out yet. They will eventually. You're certainly not the only one I know that's terrified of lightning, by the way. At least that's a more rational fear than the crap I have going, heh. You know, over the past week or so I've probably lost around 2 hours of sleep per night. Why? My mind wanders to the shit that freaks me out, and for some reason The Ring always comes back to mind. All that paranormal shit. Even now, without music playing, I'd be scared. Speaking of which, I need to put music on now, heh.
Ok, music playing - yay. So what else? Ah, the emotional overload? Again, we're only human. You go through a lot of emotional times, and sometimes it's just easier to shut ourselves off from emotions. It gives us time to recover when there's just been too much going on. I think it's a form of isolation, similar to going to a room, shutting the dooor, and just getting away from people. Sometimes, ya just want to be alone. And when it doesn't happen, the easiest way to get back to being alone is to be rather indifferent and stoic.
I know those were just some examples you dug up. I know you've got others that you'll probably have thought of or are thinking of as you read this. I can say it's ok all I want, I'm pretty sure it's not going to have a big effect, even though I, and others, believe it to be true. Some of these things, if not many more, I think can be linked to you not having any offline friends, as you say. Look back at the emotionless and cold thing ya said - really, if one has just been through a ton of stuff...would they want to discuss it with anyone who isn't a friend? Not a family member, not a relative - someone they've met and consider a genuine person. You haven't had someone there outside the unconditional support of some family members to support you in a long time, and that takes its toll on people. I have a feeling that if that were to change, you'd take off in ways you can...well, I'd say only imagine, but I think you can do more than imagine them. You'll actually take off in those ways, hehe.
We all know that being normal isn't exactly the highest sought after thing. There's no need for me to say anything on this - you recognize that, while you have problems, you still have certain things. This recognition alone, by the way, is enough for me to see the cutting in a different light.
Dysfunctional, though. I'm not going to lie - you've got some things going that do make it difficult for you to cope in certain areas of society. Again, I'm going to link that to horrible luck in obtaining offline friends. I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but...I really do think that the presence of others helps so much. More than we realize.
You're not psycho though :P Faaaaaar from it. You're having trouble right now, but I don't think it's going to last forever.
Continued again…
no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 08:40 am (UTC)The drugs...I'd rather not see you go personality-less, but if you feel it's best for you, then go ahead. I will say that you're not a freak of nature by any means. And I will certainly say that you are of use to people. I've been there before, and the simple truth is...well, look around. Sure, we're all online (cept Jei), but we're here. Ultimately, we're gonna decide whether you're 'worthy' or not. I can tell that we've made up our minds, heh. It's true, we don't know you offline, just as you don't know us. Heck, closest I've come to anything offline with you was you calling me to find out what your cell phone number was, hehe ;)
However....online things...they may not accurately tell us who everyone is, how they act offline, etc etc. They do, though, tell us what people are truly like at their core, if we look deep enough. I believe I've seen this in you, as well as other friends I know from this 'series of tubes' (sorry, had to say it once :P). And that's what matters. If people can see that, they can look past these other things that you're beating yourself up over.
I feel like stuff isn't coming out quite right...but I think I'll stop talking for now. It's long enough already, sorry ^^;
Jai, you're a good person. You're more than good, actually. People here see past what those offline don't get a chance to, and I can pretty much assure that those here would not even think of rejecting you for the problems you have. Keep pushing forward ^_^
::Hugs tight::
no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 08:52 am (UTC)I was thinking, perhaps my doctor could prescribe me a sedative rather than a mood-altering drug. It's not so much that depression is the problem... more that it's a symptom, a result of this sensory-overload thing I have. Maybe a sedative would just calm me down enough so that I stop freaking out over every tiny thing.
One good thing did happen between last night and this morning... it's weird actually. I've been having nightmares solidly every night for weeks... but last night, despite being more stressed than ever, I actually had a good dream. I dreamt that I was having another bi-plane lesson, heh. And this time, my instructor let me have the controls the whole time, and it was really cool.
I think I'm supposed to be going to IKEA right about now x.x So I guess I'd best get going. Thanks again for the comment; it's awesome of you to spend that much time on me ::Hugs:: Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 09:05 am (UTC)A sedative may not be a bad alternative to try. If it has the change to help ya woth your worries, it's certainly something to ask about. I've found if you lay in bed all day you're kinda naturally sedated :P
Dreams are so fucked up. You'll have the best day of your life and dream about muffins and bananas invading the earth, turning everyone you know and love into lawn chairs, then capturing you and taking you back to their home planet made of stainless steel. And no, I've never had that dream :P In any case, I'm glad you had a good one last night ^_^ that has to help.
IKEA, eh? Such a convenient place, just overpriced in general around here ^_^; I hope you have a good time while out and find what you're looking for ^^
no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 09:11 am (UTC)