Wah wah.

[flyboy_fox]

I've been riding on the back of a huge wave of happiness over our wedding plans for a while, but finally cold hard reality has set in.

There is no way for Jei and I to live the life we want, together, in America. There is no way for me to become an American citizen. There is no way for me to escape the UK and the toll of this seasonal depression, year after year, destroying every good thing I start. Sunny Florida is a dream that can never become a reality.

Jei will have to move here. She will have to leave her family behind permanently (aside from visits as regularly as we can afford, of course). We will have to make do, even though it's not good for either of us. Jei will be apart from her family who are much bigger and closer than mine - she has a dear sister, both parents, and even most of her grandparents, as well as extended family. I have only my mum and a distant brother, and while I loathe the thought of leaving my mum alone, I feel that it would be much easier for one person to visit the States than for back and forth trips to America for both Jei and I or her big family. I won't get the sun and daylight hours I've dreamed of all my life. And our business idea really would take off better in America.

But we're gay, so I can't marry into American citizenship. It breaks my heart. If one of us were physically male, it would be so easy. I could go in on a fiancée visa, live there a little while, then we'd marry and I'd take the citizenship test. It would all be good. But no. As beautiful as America is, is lags painfully behind the UK on this one issue. I'm not wanted there as a citizen, as a loving partner to an existing American citizen, if I'm gay. I'm not even angry... just sad.

We've looked at all the other ways:

- Both the UK and Colombia (my two nationalities I can claim under) are excluded from the Green Card Lottery.
- I can't track my half-sister, who I know at one point lived in Miami and might have been able to sponsor me as family, because my dad fell out with her and no longer knows where she is or even what her last name is. (I've never even met her...)
- I have no 'exceptional skills' or major qualifications to offer.

I feel utterly annihilated. I can't bear the thought of tearing Jei from her home and her close family, or the thought of continuing with this misery up to 6 months of the year on account of my seasonal depression. I KNOW that I'm not a miserable depressed person by nature and I KNOW that I will be SO much happier and healthier in a sunnier place with warmer days.

But we're trapped, all on account of our genders. I don't usually whine about unfairness in regards to homosexual matters but in this instance I really do feel that it is NOT FAIR.

Having said all that, of course I haven't given up. We'll keep trying every avenue and hammering on every door. However, looking up blogs and sites about gay immigration had both Jei and I in tears. So many stories just like ours, all with the same hopeless ending with no resolve, no matter whether the couple have been together 6 months or 25 years (we've been together 10).

We'll survive no matter what we end up having to do, but fuck, it sucks ass.

Comments

[middy-the-fox.livejournal.com]

As an American, let me say how truly and utterly sorry I am that you're in this situation. Trust me, if I had my way, things wouldn't be like that over here.
But at least you're continuing to perservere, which is a good thing. Never give up on your dreams, no matter how bleak things may seem!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't blame Americans in general for this situation - I'm marrying one after all, and have found almost all the American people I've met to be wonderful and warm people with no hostility towards me for my partner choice at all. It's such a shame that the law is only shifting very slowly. It's fantastic that it's moving at all, with various states allowing marriage between gay people at that level, but until it becomes accepted at a national level, it's useless to me.

But you're right, there's no sense in giving up (: Thank you so much for your support.

[alycus.livejournal.com]

Massachusetts may be you and Jei's only hope, it seems.

If that is not an option, I feel bad about both of you. You have my outrage on this issue, the outrage that most of America denies simple rights like this.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, individual states don't have the power to allow marriage-based immigration even if gay marriage is recognised within the individual states that allow it :\

But I won't give up... times ARE changing and moving forward, albeit more slowly than I'd like.

[draig-cyfail.livejournal.com]

I'm also glad you're not giving up. But I believe in the two of you. Someday, you will be in Florida. It won't be easy, but it's not supposed to be. If it was easy, what's the point in even living without a good fight? These things happen because it's life, and life tests us every day whether we realize it or not.

I wish you the best of luck but I already know you'll make it someday. As long as you don't give up, there's a chance :3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you for believing in us (: I know we'll make it work somehow.

My main concern is being able to move to Florida before we have kids so that we don't have to uproot them mid-childhood :\

[(Anonymous)]

If your girlfriend can get a job in Canada and qualify for residence, she can bring you over as her spouse. It's almost the same as America, it's cheaper to visit family, and the border guards get on your case less. It's a better stop-gap until the US gets its act together than the UK is, if you're depressed by miserable bastardism.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I have considered Canada, but the weather/daylight situation is no better there than the UK, plus neither of us will be near our families. Also, neither of us is Canadian, so it'd take longer and involve much more hassle than her getting right of residence in the UK. It certainly had crossed my mind initially, though...

[(Anonymous)]

#2 failsafe option: qualify as a nurse. It might not be what you want to do, but it's pretty quick considering the usual slog to citizenship and you like kids and hospitals always need em. Hospitals also have clout and immigration doesn't question them. Work for an intercity and you'll have a green card in less than a year.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'll have to look into that. I'll need to find out what qualifications I'd need and how to get them, and then the best route to apply. I'll definitely look at it, thanks!

[(Anonymous)]

anon is not going to tell you where to live, but would ask you to think carefully before bringing up children in Florida until federal or state law changes. Florida has a horrible record of denying the rights of LGBT partners, even with signed powers of attorney. Your right to see your partner or the children, if they are biologically hers, should they be submitted to hospital comes down to nothing but the hospital staff's discretion, and there is no legal recourse available at this time.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

The child would be biologically mine, but I'll bear that in mind and look deeper into it. Thank you (:

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

There is so many rights in the United States that are limited to heterosexual couples that it makes me ill. Even in states where homosexual marriage is recognized, they still don't have the rights to get under each others insurance, inherit property/money without it in writing (rather than automatically with heterosexual couples), nor does it even address the fact that many hospitals choose to deny same-sex partners in to see their spouse even though they are legally married. It's horrendous! I am so, so sorry it has to be like this. I hope U.S. citizens and the U.S. government will eventually get their act together and realize how unfair this is and that it needs to change.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I hope so too... and I have faith that it will. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

[eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com]

This is gonna sound harsh, and I'm sorry.

But I really feel you're not exploring all the angles. Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Washington, D.C., all have civil unions that, while not legally equal to a marriage, would at least acknowledge your status. You'd have to get remarried, but it's actually relatively painless to deal with. California and New York will both recognize unions performed elsewhere. If Jei gets work in any of those states, she can bring you in as her husband.

That is not and will never be good enough. As someone who actually does LGBTQ activism, I'm mortified to even be saying this. But...all I can ask is, give it time. In the meanwhile, get into the country. It goes without question that you can acquire a market skill-you're extremely smart and capable and no one has any doubt that if you set your mind to it you could do damn well whatever you please.

Finally, is there a legal process to change the "F" on your birth certificate to an "M"? In the US they'll only do it for people who've had sex-reassignment surgery (which is, of course, bullshit), but if the requirements are different for you you can exploit the loophole by changing your birth certificate and emigrating to the US.

The second failsafe suggested by that anonymous poster is a really really good idea. It doesn't take long to get certified (2-4 years depending on if you go for Certified Nurse or Register Nurse, but I've known people who get it in less time) and you'll be able to work anywhere.

And you know what else? If Florida won't recognize your marriage-fuck 'em. Move over together, live together, and help us fight the legal bullshit on this side of the pond.

*deep sigh* okay. I think I've ranted your ear off now. It's frustrating to see someone as capable, smart, and downright awesome as you getting discouraged. It's a pain in the ass roadblock, and it is gonna be a bitch to deal with it. But you can.

[eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com]

Dear god, that was harsh. XD Sorry, guess I still had some leftover vitriol. If you can delete other people's comments, go ahead and delete mine. XD I won't be offended.

My point is just that, yes, it's a shitty situation. But you are infinitely better than it, and I have full faith in your ability to make it happen. I'm going to ask around and see if I know anyone whose done what you and Jei are trying to do, and get some emails or other contacts for you.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It wasn't harsh, but the thing is I'm almost positive that it doesn't matter if those states accept and allow marriage between same-sex couples because it's not recognised on a national level and therefore I still wouldn't be able to immigrate that way. The US government does not recognise it, therefore border control still won't let me in and I still can't get a visa that way. If it WERE possible, I'd be all over it in a heartbeat... but judging from the research I've done, it's not possible.

There's no way to change my birth certificate without having a full sex-change, sadly.

I will look into the nursing situation however, and if you are able to find any contacts for me, I would be infinitely grateful (: Thank you so much.

[(Anonymous)]

failsafe anon would like to add something that disagrees with what above poster has said. do not get married in the US before you have the right to stay. do not tell immigration that you married in the UK. homeland screens for 'intent to remain'. if you're entering under the visa waiver, they're not supposed to let you in if they think you're interested in settling permanently, even if they don't believe you're intending to overstay on that occasion, it flags the risk that you have motive and ability to 'disappear' once inside. often you'll get sympathetic border guards, but it only takes one to enter it into your file and reject your admission. (also you're correct, federal law does not recognize same-sex marriage, no immigration option exists).

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Nods* Jei warned me about the intent-to-stay issue, too. I know I'll need to be extremely careful about that. Jei was deported last year after arriving in the UK because of a problem with her Visa, and I wasn't even allowed to see her briefly at the airport before they sent her home, so I know how easily it can happen.

[eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com]

Dear lord, this stuff is way more beyond me than I thought. >.< Thanks for the correction, anon.

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Hmm, the nursing thing sounds like a good idea. I don't know much about the immigration laws (except that they suck ass), but is it possible to come over on a tourist visa, and find a job that will sponsor a work visa for you? That would at least buy you time and eventually you could apply to be a citizen, right?

*doesn'tknowanything*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I'm not allowed to work (or apply for work) on a tourist visa, and even if I ask a place to sponsor me, they're not going to go through the hassle of sponsoring an international applicant when an American candidate can do the very same job more cheaply and easily. If I had a qualification or rare/unusual skill, they might... but I have nothing that an average American citizen doesn't have.

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Well then dangit, how do people do it then? Student visa, perhaps? :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Sadly it seems that a lot of people in our situation just do hit a brick wall :\

I dropped out of school at 14, so no American Uni is going to take me, even if I could afford it.

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Hmmm based on what I'm reading here (Good ol' Google) if you take a certain amount of the GSCEs and get at least Cs on them it will count on college entrance exams (there's also something called APs but I don't know what those are AND I don't know if you can take any of these after school as an adult).

HOWEVER apparently you can actually take a GED and/or go straight for the SAT or ACT (all from the UK, apparently) through the College Board and they'll let you in (provided you get a good enough score).

May not work for you, but there is an option to obtain a student visa. And I know that college here costs more than in the UK, but there are tons of international student scholarship (and scholarships meant for adults who want to go to college) that could help you out. Plus you could always go to a smaller community college or a public university to help keep your costs down.

Just some things to consider? :) *trying to help*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hmm, well I can definitely look into it! In the end, a student visa isn't really a solution any more than Jei's past 3 years in the UK on one was, since I can't use it as residence or leverage to get a green card, and I can't get full time work... but it would at least give me some time in America and a chance to approach employers. The difficulty would be in going to a college anywhere near Jei, and also the matter of cost (I doubt I can get much via scholarship). But it's something to consider again, at least as an interim measure, if I can get the funding maybe in a few years... so thank you for that (:

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Glad to help in any way I can. As an American I despise the fact that there isn't legislation allowing same sex marriages and want to see you two happily living in Florida!

If nothing else, a student visa would get you to sunny FL (presuming you want to go to/get into a FL school) and you could at least be bolstered by the sunny weather. A mood boost always helps me put on my thinking cap when I'm looking for workarounds and loopholes! The good news is that even if FL isn't a possibility, there are a few neighboring states that benefit from sunshine and happy weather (like GA, where I lived most of my life) so maybe something could work out!

[tragic-elegance.livejournal.com]

*hug*
Why I don't like the US, numero uno.
Maybe Canada? Vancouver gets very sunny in the summer, but the winter is rain...

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Canada's an option, but I think it wouldn't be much better weather and daylight hours wise than the UK ;_;