I don't even know.

[flyboy_fox]

Going back home to Bleadon today. Long car journeys, blech. Gotta make sure I have everything packed ready for SoS. 

I'm so tired. Sick of... everything. Everything in my head, everything outside of my head, everything.

I'd like to sleep for a week and then wake up as a normal non-fucked up human being. I want my life back, or at least I would if I'd had one to begin with. I don't wanna *do* this any more.

Get off the internet for a while. Try not to think about or encourage... stuff. It's all in my head and... I don't want anyone to encourage it. It's fucking me up and fucking me over.

For what it's worth, bad fanfiction or role-play is EXACTLY what I want it to be. It makes it easily laughable, that way. Maybe that's even what I wanted, otherwise I wouldn't have had 'him' post here rather than in his own damn LJ. Who knows. Thank you, anyhow. 'He' was a little pissed and insulted, but I'm not. Not really. Not at all.

Gotta stop, take a breath, not let things get 'real'. Jei will be home soon, then it'll be easier to forget. Time to cut myself off from 'Fic'kin' society again. It's not, and never was, healthy for me.

I felt like I was locked out of my body for 2 days. Couldn't talk to Jei. Couldn't talk to my mum. You just can't...

Long story short; get out of my head, Miles. You're not real. You're not even *convincing*. I don't want to end up stark raving bonkers in an asylum.

Gonna leave the 'kin comms again. Thinking about de-friending people who I only know through 'kin comms and because of 'Miles' (if I do, please don't take it personally. Mostly we don't even talk and I need to preserve (what's left of) my sanity.)

I let things go too far. I'm obsessive and stupid and damn I'm probably gonna end up in an asylum anyway. I think the only thing I CAN do is cut myself off from soulbonding and fic'kin stuff.

Heh, even as I'm writing this, 'Miles' is sneering at me and calling me a stupid incompetent fuck. Laughing. Haha. Yeah, it's so fucking funny, brain. God, I must hate myself pretty bad on some subconscious level.

Well, gotta go pack now. Home sweet home in just a few short hours. It will be really nice to see my cat again. I missed you, Foxie.

Laters.

Edit: I have some icons that, whilst still foxes, are not Tails. This helps, I think.

Comments

[sletia.livejournal.com]

:x Well, Tails, do what's best for you. *hug* I'm sorry this is causing you pain. If you ever want to talk, or, hell, talk just about normal, non-kin stuff, I'm here.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks Sel *hugs* ♥

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Cutting yourself off does help - the week I went cold-turkey, and went out into the real world, it was a breath of fresh air. I came back healthier, I think. Right now I'm at a happy medium between my past life and my current one. I don't obsess, rather I just enjoy, the other universes. I can play a Sonic game without going "Hurrr this is Jei and Jai and I wish I was there too!" and I can look and read about Anti-verse without similar thoughts.
Just separate the past life and current life for a while. They kinda blend when you immerse yourself too far. We're here on Earth for awhile, and we have friends and family HERE we need to remember. The Red World will still be there for me and your world will still be here for you, when you feel better about who you are and who you were. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right. I need to do the same. Turn off the computer, step outside, take in a deep breath of fresh air. Remind myself of who I really am, here, at heart. Say a big fat "NO" to all the craziness in my head that wants to drag me down. (And 'Miles' can go take a flying leap, seriously.)

[sletia.livejournal.com]

LOL@your icon.
Yup! That's what you gotta do. Go for a walk. It's good you're going home - you won't be alone anymore. Snuggle the cat, you know? Reflect on yourself. Meditate. See old friends.
You'll be fine. Everything will sort itself out. *hearty smack on the back* Cheer up, Bucko. ;) I won't give any advice or thoughts on Miles, but I do hope if he's real you find some way to co-exist and accept each other somehow.
But! And this is a big but, because I would hate to suppress someone that is a real entity (especially one that is someone I do sorta get along with).. IF he ends up like my Shadow did, don't be afraid to let the illusion go. At first it's scary, but if you truly feel the truth in your heart, let it go.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't have 'IRL' friends (aside from Jei), so that's a problem... I haven't had people to go do stuff with. But she's back in a few days, and my mum is around now, so it's something ♥

Miles feels so damn real at times, it's so hard to shake him off. But for my own sake, he CAN'T be real. I guess we'll see if his presence/influence fades with some distraction and time with other people. I guess I'll see.

Thanks for the advice, Sel.

[minniemousegirl.livejournal.com]

Ditto! I do that for awhile. There is nothing wrong in disappearing to get your head clear. I'll leave the lights on for you!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks (: I'll be sure to come back soon. I can never abandon the internet for long, but I'm going to try to balance my life a little better so that I'm doing other good stuff too ♥

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

((flyboy_fox))

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Group-hugs the 'chus* ♥

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

::hugs suu tight:: You know I'll support you whatever you do, sweetheart... I love you so much. The whole Miles thing was crazy... I tried my best to handle it in a... diplomatic way, I guess. But yeah... ;_; hard on shmoo. I think that when I get back there and we get out and have some adventures and fun times together it'll clear your head a lot... good good times...

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

'Crazy' is putting it mildly :\ I'm so sorry. I love you so much too, and I can't wait to get back out there with you and do stuff together again ::hugs back suu tight::

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Take care. I think family-time and Jei-time (and cat-time!) will be good for you. Completely independent of whether such things are real or not, it's also true that your brain adjusts to where you put your focus, so put your focus on the things you want and need to nurture.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That's good advice, as ever. I'm hopeful that diverting my attention for a bit and focusing on external things rather than internal will help.

[alycus.livejournal.com]

I hope you're alright. I'm sorry I don't have more to say.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You don't need to say more. The sentiment is appreciated *Hug*

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Remind me to give you a hug at SoS (with Jei's permission, of course :P). :)

Sorry I didn't comment on any of the previous entries as well. I was trying to think of something intelligent and/or helpful to say, but it always escaped me when I finally clicked the 'Post a new comment' button.

orz

Hopefully a bit of Jei time and a bit of family time will help out a bit. If you need someone to talk to, I'm happy to PM my mobile number to you. Feel free to ring any time (within reason though, no 5am calls unless on SoS night as I will need an alarm call for that XD).

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Jei would be perfectly fine with you giving frazzled li'l me a hug ^^; I sure could use one.

I'd love to have your mobile number at hand if that's okay (: With SoS coming up, it's useful to have friends' contact details for the day, anyway.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Done. :P

Enjoy RL for a bit with Jei when she comes back. Do stuff you always enjoy together and it might help a bit. Hope it all goes okay for you. :)

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I read as much of the whole Miles thing that's been happening over the last couple of days, but chose not to touch it with a ten foot pole. I really doubted that I had anything to say that would help you, and I was afraid to make things worse.

To be honest, I don't feel that you're insane, just that you're confused, about who it is that you truly want to be.

At any rate, even though I've gotten sort of worried watching you go through this, I feel that it would be incredibly selfish and arrogant of me to assume that you need my protection.

So, I'm mainly just posting here to show that I've haven't forgotten about you. I'm not sure why I thought it would be important to point that out, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And while I'm not trying to tell you guys what to do...While it took me a long time to admit it, I always liked the idea of you and Jei taking on the persona of James and Jessie better than that of Tails, Sonic, or alternate versions of them. It just seemed like a happier, more natural thing for you guys to slip into, at least from someone like me who's looking at your relationship from the outside.

Then again, kin-ness isn't about choosing to be our favorite characters, so I won't blame you guys if you can't just make the Sonic related stuff just disappear.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

??? Who is trying to make the Sonic stuff disappear? I've never related more naturally to ANY other 'persona' than I do to Sonic, and Jai as Tails. I don't give a crap who thinks I'm 'in character' or not, I don't post much if anything at all online about it. But as far as that goes, you've really missed the mark.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Jei, that wasn't I meant. I don't have anything against you. If I sounded mean, it was by accident. Just chill. Please.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Never said you were being mean. XD Did I use that word? No. I'm just making it clear that no one is saying we no longer relate to Sonic and Tails, and I don't know how you came to the conclusion that us slipping into Jessie and James seemed more natural and happy. If I misunderstood you, I apologize.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I don't know, maybe I assumed you were angry when you weren't. If so, I apologize.

All I meant by the whole Sonic and Tails thing was that it seemed like you guys were miserable lately because you felt like you either had to be "heroes" or "villains", rather than something in-between(Which is why I referenced the Pokemon characters. Admittedly, I was probably talking out my ass and making an ignorant generalization, so if, so, again, I apologize.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hey Blazey.

>>I read as much of the whole Miles thing that's been happening over the last couple of days, but chose not to touch it with a ten foot pole. I really doubted that I had anything to say that would help you, and I was afraid to make things worse.

I think most of my friends list share the sentiment and refused to go near the whole thing ^^;

>>To be honest, I don't feel that you're insane, just that you're confused, about who it is that you truly want to be.

I don't know... I'm pretty sure I know who I am. It's the rest of the clutter in my head that's getting all confused and jumbled and throwing strange shadows that look like things.

>>At any rate, even though I've gotten sort of worried watching you go through this, I feel that it would be incredibly selfish and arrogant of me to assume that you need my protection.

I don't think that anyone can really save me from myself except me ^^; And I'm doing a crap job of it. Doomed, DOOMED I say!

>>And while I'm not trying to tell you guys what to do...While it took me a long time to admit it, I always liked the idea of you and Jei taking on the persona of James and Jessie better than that of Tails, Sonic, or alternate versions of them. It just seemed like a happier, more natural thing for you guys to slip into, at least from someone like me who's looking at your relationship from the outside.

Wow, well, that kind of stings ^^; Nothing ever felt more natural to me than us being Sonic and Tails. That is who we are, to me, even if to no one else. I don't need to 'take on the persona'... I'm just me. All I want to be is me. But I know how it seems to outsiders. If I'm honest, I do find it hard to think of you 'as' Blaze, since to me you're not much alike. But you are you, and if you believe you're Blaze, then I respect that and won't try to undermine it. Beliefs are a personal thing; it doesn't matter if they're illogical to the outside world. If I withdraw from 'kin community, it doesn't effect how I feel about being Tails.

>>Then again, kin-ness isn't about choosing to be our favorite characters, so I won't blame you guys if you can't just make the Sonic related stuff just disappear.

I'd like to make Miles disappear (hah!). But aside from that, I'm good.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Wow, well, that kind of stings ^^; Nothing ever felt more natural to me than us being Sonic and Tails. That is who we are, to me, even if to no one else. I don't need to 'take on the persona'... I'm just me. All I want to be is me. But I know how it seems to outsiders. If I'm honest, I do find it hard to think of you 'as' Blaze, since to me you're not much alike. But you are you, and if you believe you're Blaze, then I respect that and won't try to undermine it. Beliefs are a personal thing; it doesn't matter if they're illogical to the outside world. If I withdraw from 'kin community, it doesn't effect how I feel about being Tails.

I think I may have spoke too quickly and recklessly.

I wouldn't normally say that stuff, but it's just that the truth is, you've always, and still are very much "Tails" to me. I've been trying not to think of you that way, however, because I got kind of scared back when that one anon suggested that I only liked you for being a vessel for Tails, and not as your own person. So, that's where those odd comments are primarily originating from.

As for me being Blaze...I honestly can't blame you for that. I'd have to be a lot more cold, emotionally, to be like canon portrayal. Lately, though, I've found that I need to be, if not necessarily more "cold", then a little more emotionally reserved...in order to make sure that I don't say things I don't mean, as often.

[roarey-raccoon.livejournal.com]

Fuckin' hell, I think I'm missing something here XD. You bonkers chuffer XP. I wouldn't mind discussing this sort of thing with you sometime, it sounds interesting if getting rather out of hand.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

OSHI-- XD; Howdy, Roarz. Yeeeaah if you're not a regular reader of my asylum notes (read: LJ), you probably did miss out on Flyboy-Is-As-Insane-As-They-Come :P I'm kinda like Don Quijote and Regan MacNeil all in one, except with Sonic'verse stoofs :D;;

[roarey-raccoon.livejournal.com]

I did vaguely know about the kin stuff and whatnot but I have to be honest and say that I don't really know that much about it. You're not actually a fruitloop though (yet, hee); one of my cousins is an ex heroin addict, currently in prison again, and that guy is so fucked up it's hilarious. He thought chat shows on TV were talking about him, watched all the cars passing his house, suspicious of the drivers and believed a giant balloon was coming after him. Haha. I get pretty deep in fantasy myself anyway, but rather than having other personas I just daydream all the time.

What a sack of shit day, I think I'll travel over to Knothole and see how those peeps are doing =O. That kind of thing XP. I'm likely being incoherant anyway, I'm ill at the moment but I'd rather it be now than on the 7th when SoS comes up. If I'm ill again for this one I'll be pissed off XP.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, sorry you're sick :( I hope you feel better soon. Don't you DARE be ill for SoS :O

Yikes, your cousin sounds like he's in pretty deep. I've got a few vices, but luckily hard drugs isn't one of them. My... uh... alter-ego(?) is a junkie though. HOW CAN A VOICE IN MY HEAD BE A JUNKIE I'unno. I feel like I need to shut him down before I DO end up like your cousin ^^;

Nothing wrong with fantasy, though (: Daydreaming is AWESOME~♥

[roarey-raccoon.livejournal.com]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/Roarey_Raccoon/tirednowtails.png

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

This plan, I like it. It is good. Ni'-ni', Roarey (:

[IMAGE HEAVY because you wanted icons? ^^;;]

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

I felt like I was locked out of my body for 2 days.

Okay, THAT is horrifying.

You really need to take a break. Trust me, as bothersome as it might be at first, don't give in! Afterwards, once you're sure you're over it, you can slowly start to enjoy things again, but not in this obsessive and self-destructive way. But maybe it'd better be a long time from now, with you.

It's alright, buddy. -hugs-

Um, I think you might dislike Naruto, but can I offer at least that this isn't ninja Naruto?

This is the original one-shot manga Masashi Kishimoto before he began the Naruto series. He's a cute baby fox demon trying to understand the concept of "friendship." x3;



If that's too fandom-specific, how about Zoroark and Zorua from Pokemon?





Ooooor something more classic!

Re: [IMAGE HEAVY because you wanted icons? ^^;;]

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Lamees... I don't even know what to say. That's such a sweet gesture ♥ I especially love the Pokémon ones. Maybe I'll try to reacquaint myself with my love of Pokés for a while... (:

Re: [IMAGE HEAVY because you wanted icons? ^^;;]

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

^^;;

I'm glad you actually liked them!

I was worried they'd all be too stylized/fantastical for your taste.

♥ -hugs-

Re: [IMAGE HEAVY because you wanted icons? ^^;;]

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I wanted to expand my range of icons a bit ^^ Some of these will be perfect. *Hugs* ♥

Re: [IMAGE HEAVY because you wanted icons? ^^;;]

[prismmoogle.livejournal.com]

Certain Pokémon did always have that certain touch, you know?

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

D'awww, Eevee!

How could I forget cute little Eevee? ♥

Rokon/Vulpix and Kyuukon/Ninetales too! They'e also based on kitsune/fox myths, but a different variation. (The vampiric reflectionless kitsune, while the new Zoroark and Zorua retain telltale kitsune tails, especially young Zorua).

[prismmoogle.livejournal.com]

I'm not even going to pretend I have the backstory on the whole thing, but I have been reading since I came back to LJ, and I think I've got a decent enough idea of the fundamentals; at least where you are.

As you and I agreed with awhile ago, I do think it's a good idea to be aware that something you believe may not end up being the case (though I did word it pretty badly, then, and just kinda came off like an empiricist which is pretty far from what I was going for :p)

If you sincerely feel something's not healthy for you and you want to change it, more power to ya :)

I watched this video a few days ago, and he discusses a bracelet near the end of it. You wear it for 21 days on either arm, but whenever you complain about something, you switch arms and start all over. The idea behind it is it takes 21 days of inaction to break a particular habit, and he's using it to try and stop complaining.

I don't know if it's true or not (probably based on decent theory), but I kinda like the idea. Maybe you could try something like that if you're curious? I've been thinking about. It's all psychological anyway, but it can be nice to have a tangible aspect sometimes.

Side note, Nerimon's stuff is just fun to listen to - I like him, heh.

Anyway, regardless of whatcha end up doing, I hope you're okay with it. I don't think it's a good idea to worry too much about the subconscious. If you're not consciously, say, able to isolate that you're hating yourself, then you're probably not hating yourself. It's a little bit of a futile effort to try and determine something so important from your subconscious if you're not finding any links to it with your coherent thoughts, cause you can easily say just about anything to 'prove' anything whatsoever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is not to worry too much. You've already made this post. Whatever you're trying to break away from, you don't need it, and you know you don't. That's all the knowledge you need to back off for as long as you need, and you've already got some ideas to help you out there, it seems.

I wish you had a group to hang out with offline there. I've found that tends to help the most with the sort of things you're describing. Jobs help too, not cause they give you something to complain about (that actually does help, though~) or that they give you money, but just that they force more social interaction, and in the end everyone I've met likes being social to a degree. It leaves the unsocial time for recovery, and that's made them more enjoyable to me, too.

Bottom line, I'm not too educated on the whole thing, but you sound like you know what's best for you and are trying to walk that way - good job and good luck with it!