I don't even know.

[flyboy_fox]

Going back home to Bleadon today. Long car journeys, blech. Gotta make sure I have everything packed ready for SoS. 

I'm so tired. Sick of... everything. Everything in my head, everything outside of my head, everything.

I'd like to sleep for a week and then wake up as a normal non-fucked up human being. I want my life back, or at least I would if I'd had one to begin with. I don't wanna *do* this any more.

Get off the internet for a while. Try not to think about or encourage... stuff. It's all in my head and... I don't want anyone to encourage it. It's fucking me up and fucking me over.

For what it's worth, bad fanfiction or role-play is EXACTLY what I want it to be. It makes it easily laughable, that way. Maybe that's even what I wanted, otherwise I wouldn't have had 'him' post here rather than in his own damn LJ. Who knows. Thank you, anyhow. 'He' was a little pissed and insulted, but I'm not. Not really. Not at all.

Gotta stop, take a breath, not let things get 'real'. Jei will be home soon, then it'll be easier to forget. Time to cut myself off from 'Fic'kin' society again. It's not, and never was, healthy for me.

I felt like I was locked out of my body for 2 days. Couldn't talk to Jei. Couldn't talk to my mum. You just can't...

Long story short; get out of my head, Miles. You're not real. You're not even *convincing*. I don't want to end up stark raving bonkers in an asylum.

Gonna leave the 'kin comms again. Thinking about de-friending people who I only know through 'kin comms and because of 'Miles' (if I do, please don't take it personally. Mostly we don't even talk and I need to preserve (what's left of) my sanity.)

I let things go too far. I'm obsessive and stupid and damn I'm probably gonna end up in an asylum anyway. I think the only thing I CAN do is cut myself off from soulbonding and fic'kin stuff.

Heh, even as I'm writing this, 'Miles' is sneering at me and calling me a stupid incompetent fuck. Laughing. Haha. Yeah, it's so fucking funny, brain. God, I must hate myself pretty bad on some subconscious level.

Well, gotta go pack now. Home sweet home in just a few short hours. It will be really nice to see my cat again. I missed you, Foxie.

Laters.

Edit: I have some icons that, whilst still foxes, are not Tails. This helps, I think.

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I read as much of the whole Miles thing that's been happening over the last couple of days, but chose not to touch it with a ten foot pole. I really doubted that I had anything to say that would help you, and I was afraid to make things worse.

To be honest, I don't feel that you're insane, just that you're confused, about who it is that you truly want to be.

At any rate, even though I've gotten sort of worried watching you go through this, I feel that it would be incredibly selfish and arrogant of me to assume that you need my protection.

So, I'm mainly just posting here to show that I've haven't forgotten about you. I'm not sure why I thought it would be important to point that out, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And while I'm not trying to tell you guys what to do...While it took me a long time to admit it, I always liked the idea of you and Jei taking on the persona of James and Jessie better than that of Tails, Sonic, or alternate versions of them. It just seemed like a happier, more natural thing for you guys to slip into, at least from someone like me who's looking at your relationship from the outside.

Then again, kin-ness isn't about choosing to be our favorite characters, so I won't blame you guys if you can't just make the Sonic related stuff just disappear.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

??? Who is trying to make the Sonic stuff disappear? I've never related more naturally to ANY other 'persona' than I do to Sonic, and Jai as Tails. I don't give a crap who thinks I'm 'in character' or not, I don't post much if anything at all online about it. But as far as that goes, you've really missed the mark.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Jei, that wasn't I meant. I don't have anything against you. If I sounded mean, it was by accident. Just chill. Please.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Never said you were being mean. XD Did I use that word? No. I'm just making it clear that no one is saying we no longer relate to Sonic and Tails, and I don't know how you came to the conclusion that us slipping into Jessie and James seemed more natural and happy. If I misunderstood you, I apologize.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I don't know, maybe I assumed you were angry when you weren't. If so, I apologize.

All I meant by the whole Sonic and Tails thing was that it seemed like you guys were miserable lately because you felt like you either had to be "heroes" or "villains", rather than something in-between(Which is why I referenced the Pokemon characters. Admittedly, I was probably talking out my ass and making an ignorant generalization, so if, so, again, I apologize.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hey Blazey.

>>I read as much of the whole Miles thing that's been happening over the last couple of days, but chose not to touch it with a ten foot pole. I really doubted that I had anything to say that would help you, and I was afraid to make things worse.

I think most of my friends list share the sentiment and refused to go near the whole thing ^^;

>>To be honest, I don't feel that you're insane, just that you're confused, about who it is that you truly want to be.

I don't know... I'm pretty sure I know who I am. It's the rest of the clutter in my head that's getting all confused and jumbled and throwing strange shadows that look like things.

>>At any rate, even though I've gotten sort of worried watching you go through this, I feel that it would be incredibly selfish and arrogant of me to assume that you need my protection.

I don't think that anyone can really save me from myself except me ^^; And I'm doing a crap job of it. Doomed, DOOMED I say!

>>And while I'm not trying to tell you guys what to do...While it took me a long time to admit it, I always liked the idea of you and Jei taking on the persona of James and Jessie better than that of Tails, Sonic, or alternate versions of them. It just seemed like a happier, more natural thing for you guys to slip into, at least from someone like me who's looking at your relationship from the outside.

Wow, well, that kind of stings ^^; Nothing ever felt more natural to me than us being Sonic and Tails. That is who we are, to me, even if to no one else. I don't need to 'take on the persona'... I'm just me. All I want to be is me. But I know how it seems to outsiders. If I'm honest, I do find it hard to think of you 'as' Blaze, since to me you're not much alike. But you are you, and if you believe you're Blaze, then I respect that and won't try to undermine it. Beliefs are a personal thing; it doesn't matter if they're illogical to the outside world. If I withdraw from 'kin community, it doesn't effect how I feel about being Tails.

>>Then again, kin-ness isn't about choosing to be our favorite characters, so I won't blame you guys if you can't just make the Sonic related stuff just disappear.

I'd like to make Miles disappear (hah!). But aside from that, I'm good.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Wow, well, that kind of stings ^^; Nothing ever felt more natural to me than us being Sonic and Tails. That is who we are, to me, even if to no one else. I don't need to 'take on the persona'... I'm just me. All I want to be is me. But I know how it seems to outsiders. If I'm honest, I do find it hard to think of you 'as' Blaze, since to me you're not much alike. But you are you, and if you believe you're Blaze, then I respect that and won't try to undermine it. Beliefs are a personal thing; it doesn't matter if they're illogical to the outside world. If I withdraw from 'kin community, it doesn't effect how I feel about being Tails.

I think I may have spoke too quickly and recklessly.

I wouldn't normally say that stuff, but it's just that the truth is, you've always, and still are very much "Tails" to me. I've been trying not to think of you that way, however, because I got kind of scared back when that one anon suggested that I only liked you for being a vessel for Tails, and not as your own person. So, that's where those odd comments are primarily originating from.

As for me being Blaze...I honestly can't blame you for that. I'd have to be a lot more cold, emotionally, to be like canon portrayal. Lately, though, I've found that I need to be, if not necessarily more "cold", then a little more emotionally reserved...in order to make sure that I don't say things I don't mean, as often.