Oh wow. I fail hardcore. Please treat me with the appropriate disdain >_>;

[flyboy_fox]

I guess I'm not the only one getting my comment notifications about four hours late? ^^;

Ugh, I just had THE most restless and disturbed 4 hours' sleep ever. Talk about odd and creepy dreams... and I'm still really tired but oh well, gotta get up and face the day!

So... I suppose Chasey's right and what I really have here is a 'muse' of sorts. It's really strange, because in my 25 years of life I have never shared my thought-space with any form of duplicity ^^; First time for everything, I guess.

Anyhow, the comments I got on my last post made me feel a lot better, from 'kin and non-'kin folk alike. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see exactly what happens with 'Miles'.

My only major concern with him is that I know exactly what he is and where he came from. He's certainly not canon. Like I tried to describe in my last post, he's basically everything that's bad about me, the worst aspects of my psyche. He's only gone and called himself Miles because Miles is the antithesis to Tails and he's my antithesis >_>;;

Basically... my concern... well, anyone who's known me more than 6 months or so has seen me at my worst. This part of me... doesn't get control often, but when it does, that's when the shit hits the fan. It's crap like that which has wound me up arrested or in hospital or doing damage to myself. I think this part of me is actually more self-destructive than outwardly so. At least, I hope so... I know I have said and done some very cruel things in that head before... I have been very destructive, actually, I guess. But either way, that's why I don't wanna take it too lightly. "Just a muse" is comforting... to a degree. "Just a muse... who hates me and could royally fuck me up" is less comforting. I have no doubt that if I give him too much power as an entity, he won't hesitate to mess me up and try to hurt people I care about. 'Cause that is basically what I do x.x

The irony is, he hates me yet he's part of me. It's a ridiculous cycle of self-loathing that I think really is his (my) main problem. When it comes down to it, he's nothing more than me at my lowest, hating humanity and hating myself. And God knows we don't want to encourage that XD;;

So yeah, he may look like Miles and sound like Miles, but I think he's possibly far less redeemable than canon-Miles and far more screwed up. Definitely more screwed up. I suppose if any good can come of that it's that maybe now I can better separate that part of my mind off and be objective about it/him. Know thyself, and all that.


Edit: ... Guess who just came home from Tesco with healthy foodstuffs and... two bottles of Smirnoff, a bottle of Malibu, and a 4-pack of Bacardi Breezers? I was getting bad when I was getting through two bottles of vodka in a week, but THIS is... ugh... I have a problem (and I can't blame it on anything other than my own weak will and love of being inebriated). At least... I can try to moderate it. Make it last. Because I can't afford to buy that much again for a loooong while, and that's a good reason to make it last, right? Not for my health or anything x.x Jai, I am ashamed. And disappoint.

Edit 2: Okay, WHY the fuck did I do that? See... see, this is why I do not want to separate off my bad bad habits and issues into its own identity. Because I SUCK. I cannot justify apportioning ANY responsibility for my own retarded actions to anyone other than myself. I do not wanna start blaming someone else in my head for my own fucking failings. "My junkie alcoholic alter-ego made me." Get a grip, Jai, you fucking retard. What happened? I was in Tesco and I was feeling pretty good, thinking how great it was to actually be out and about for once, and that I should celebrate by buying a little bit of drink for tonight before I start on my cardio workout regime tomorrow. Next thing I know, I'm lugging enough booze home for a whole goddamn party. Yeah. "Big party tonight?" the girl at the counter asks. "Something like that," I say. At least by owning up here on LJ I can hopefully get appropriately scolded for being a weak-minded peon who tries to drown out every problem at the bottom of a bottle. I am so angry with myself right now. I know I can be better than this.

Fucking FAIL, Jai.

Comments

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

My liver might have a few questions about "permanent damage" ^^;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Oh, right.^_^;; Might want to find an alternative to the drinking.

Maybe drinking more sodas? I mean, I don't want you to get diabetes, but maybe in moderation, it might help you get off the booze.^_^;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I... don't really like soda XD; I was drinking my vodka with coke, but now I just drink it straight from the bottle x.o;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Wow, you're pretty hardcore!

May something with lower alcohol content? Like wine coolers? Or even non-alcoholic brews?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

But that would defeat the point :|

[sletia.livejournal.com]

You don't NEED to get drunk. Jesus! I've never been drunk a day in my life!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

No, I don't NEED to. But I have a little addiction to it. This being the problem. I used to be completely tee-total before I moved out on my own, and I never needed it back then. That's why addiction is such a curse. It uses up my money, takes advantage of me, makes me reliant on a chemical high just to feel good. I wish I'd never started.

I can't even think about throwing the vodka away. I don't even have THAT much will-power.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Then stop. Right now. Join a support group. It's better than being locked up in your house acting like an idiot.
Either knock it off and get healthy, or quit whining about it. Shit or get off the pot.
Yeah, yeah, it's your life, your journal, shut up Sel, oh you're so mean.. but you wanted to get a kick in the ass and here it is.
You want to end up like a resident we had once, Frank? He was brain damaged from years of alcohol abuse and could barely speak. How's that for a reality check?
Why do you need chemicals in your body to feel good? You know if you become a full-blown alcoholic you're going to hurt your family and friends. You want to be a loser? No, you don't. Put the damn bottle down and do something with your life instead of drowning your sorrows. Don't be weak. Be strong. Face your problems and issues head-on. Don't turn to that shit. Problems will still be there when you're done being hung over.
You say you're looking for employment. Why are you wasting your money on this shit? Spend it on some HELP.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's 'being mean' at all. I welcome it.

I've actually never had a hangover in my life. I think if I did, it might make it easier to quit, because I'd have to 'pay' for what I'd been doing. I usually feel pretty good the next day, even if I'd drunk enough to make me sick or pass out the night before. It's retarded. I KNOW how retarded it is.

And no, of course I don't want to end up like Frank. Nor do I want to end up like my neighbour... the one who committed suicide a few months ago? He drank himself to a slow death and then killed himself before the liver disease could. Even when he was desperately ill he was still drinking.

I do not want to end up like that, Sel. If you think I shouldn't even talk about it any more, I'll shut up. But I think it helps, even if just to get some reality checks from people like you.

Thank you.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Well, it's just.. frustrating for us when we try to help but you're still doing the same thing, y'know? :/

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I know :\ I need to be stronger and actually do what I say I'll do. It's all up to me in the end.