Oh wow. I fail hardcore. Please treat me with the appropriate disdain >_>;

[flyboy_fox]

I guess I'm not the only one getting my comment notifications about four hours late? ^^;

Ugh, I just had THE most restless and disturbed 4 hours' sleep ever. Talk about odd and creepy dreams... and I'm still really tired but oh well, gotta get up and face the day!

So... I suppose Chasey's right and what I really have here is a 'muse' of sorts. It's really strange, because in my 25 years of life I have never shared my thought-space with any form of duplicity ^^; First time for everything, I guess.

Anyhow, the comments I got on my last post made me feel a lot better, from 'kin and non-'kin folk alike. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see exactly what happens with 'Miles'.

My only major concern with him is that I know exactly what he is and where he came from. He's certainly not canon. Like I tried to describe in my last post, he's basically everything that's bad about me, the worst aspects of my psyche. He's only gone and called himself Miles because Miles is the antithesis to Tails and he's my antithesis >_>;;

Basically... my concern... well, anyone who's known me more than 6 months or so has seen me at my worst. This part of me... doesn't get control often, but when it does, that's when the shit hits the fan. It's crap like that which has wound me up arrested or in hospital or doing damage to myself. I think this part of me is actually more self-destructive than outwardly so. At least, I hope so... I know I have said and done some very cruel things in that head before... I have been very destructive, actually, I guess. But either way, that's why I don't wanna take it too lightly. "Just a muse" is comforting... to a degree. "Just a muse... who hates me and could royally fuck me up" is less comforting. I have no doubt that if I give him too much power as an entity, he won't hesitate to mess me up and try to hurt people I care about. 'Cause that is basically what I do x.x

The irony is, he hates me yet he's part of me. It's a ridiculous cycle of self-loathing that I think really is his (my) main problem. When it comes down to it, he's nothing more than me at my lowest, hating humanity and hating myself. And God knows we don't want to encourage that XD;;

So yeah, he may look like Miles and sound like Miles, but I think he's possibly far less redeemable than canon-Miles and far more screwed up. Definitely more screwed up. I suppose if any good can come of that it's that maybe now I can better separate that part of my mind off and be objective about it/him. Know thyself, and all that.


Edit: ... Guess who just came home from Tesco with healthy foodstuffs and... two bottles of Smirnoff, a bottle of Malibu, and a 4-pack of Bacardi Breezers? I was getting bad when I was getting through two bottles of vodka in a week, but THIS is... ugh... I have a problem (and I can't blame it on anything other than my own weak will and love of being inebriated). At least... I can try to moderate it. Make it last. Because I can't afford to buy that much again for a loooong while, and that's a good reason to make it last, right? Not for my health or anything x.x Jai, I am ashamed. And disappoint.

Edit 2: Okay, WHY the fuck did I do that? See... see, this is why I do not want to separate off my bad bad habits and issues into its own identity. Because I SUCK. I cannot justify apportioning ANY responsibility for my own retarded actions to anyone other than myself. I do not wanna start blaming someone else in my head for my own fucking failings. "My junkie alcoholic alter-ego made me." Get a grip, Jai, you fucking retard. What happened? I was in Tesco and I was feeling pretty good, thinking how great it was to actually be out and about for once, and that I should celebrate by buying a little bit of drink for tonight before I start on my cardio workout regime tomorrow. Next thing I know, I'm lugging enough booze home for a whole goddamn party. Yeah. "Big party tonight?" the girl at the counter asks. "Something like that," I say. At least by owning up here on LJ I can hopefully get appropriately scolded for being a weak-minded peon who tries to drown out every problem at the bottom of a bottle. I am so angry with myself right now. I know I can be better than this.

Fucking FAIL, Jai.

Comments

[sletia.livejournal.com]

What's the point of scolding you?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

To help me to feel appropriately shitty so that I'll be so ashamed of myself that I won't do it again? :\

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I don't know, hon, maybe you need to make these mistakes to learn from them. :/

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't seem to learn. The fact that I have a history that includes being arrested and spending a night in a cell for being drunk and disorderly is kind of an indication of that ^^; I fail at learning from previous mistakes.

[(Anonymous)]

Don't beat yourself up too badly. Now that you know there's a problem, all you have to do is try something to fix it. I personally suggest giving some of the booze away or returning it to the store. That's a good way to take responsibility.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't know anyone to give it to (there's the loneliness factor, right there XD;). I could try to take some back. *Nods*

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

I haven't read the comments on your last entry yet (though I did read the entry itself) so I apologize if I'm repeating myself. Since it sounds like you've already gotten the 'kin answer, I'll give you the armchair psychologist answer.

It sounds like what you may be doing is mentally dissociating your "bad" behavior from yourself. You don't want to think of yourself as the kind of person who does these things, but you don't want to stop, either, so you shift the "blame" over to Miles.

Right now, all Miles is is a kind of a mental construct, an image given a "persona" basically under your control. However, if you keep him around and keep feeding him for long enough, there's a possibility that he'll become independent either in the spiritual sense of being an actual person, or in the "fuck, now I can't shut this coping mechanism off" sense. Not really much of a difference.

So I guess the question (which you've already started asking yourself) is, "do I want to share my head with an asshole, or just accept that I myself can sometimes be an asshole?"

Nothing wrong with either option, imo.

Anyway, sorry you're going through this. *hug*

-Mordax

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely right about Miles. That's why I'm kind of iffy about letting him actually exist as his own person, because then it would be SO easy to just blame him for everything :\

I think I'm already having a problem with "fuck, now I can't shut this coping mechanism off". Alcohol being the coping mechanism rather than Miles right now.

So... uh... how do I stop doing bad things when they're the only things that keep me sane sometimes (and I'm clearly addicted to them)? ^^;;

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

well, if you let him develop far enough he *will* be the one doing them; only you'll have even less control than you do now.

The thing about coping mechanisms, is, if they're working, they really do help you cope. Of course, some are healthier than others.

Uh, I think you're asking the wrong person about how to stop doing "bad things". Personally, Unless something is totally self-destructive, i figure, if I enjoy it, why stop? Yeah, that maybe more than occasionally makes me an asshole; but being free to do what I want makes me a happy, easy to get along with asshole.

If I spent all my time trying to regulate my behavior on the basis of whether it was moral or healthy, I'd be miserable.

-Mordax

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That is the dilemma, indeed. Do I do unhealthy things which, in the end, keep me from being depressed? Or, do I stop doing them and fall into depression, which is equally (if not more) unhealthy?

I suppose 'moderation' is supposedly the answer... but I can never have just one drink. Half a large bottle of vodka, minumum. I can't imagine what that's doing to my liver.

But there's nothing that feels better than being totally drunk and listening to my favourite music. That's like a drug to me.

I really appreciate your responses, Mordax. They're honest and realistic. Thanks. *Hug*

[sletia.livejournal.com]

If I spent all my time trying to regulate my behavior on the basis of whether it was moral or healthy, I'd be miserable.

Nah, you'd be David. :P

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

...heh. Ohboy, this is where voices get fun. |D;;

I guess I was wrong if I said anything in the 'just' category, concerning Muses or alter-egos or-- whatever name you care to pin to 'em. I think there's a care you have to take really recognizing that they ARE you. That we as the 'holder' is accountable for whatever influence the different voices of our personality tempt us with. It's a delicate balance, I guess... it's not that the assigning names and personas to factions of ourselves is a bad thing. It's just a matter of being careful to hold them close to you. They're important. Part of us, y'know.

That said... really, hon, don't be so hard on yourself. We ALL have bad habits. We're all self-destructive when in a rut, it's just... how it is. I've had my fair share, I've set sketches on fire and thrown little trinkets out my second-story window thinking about how easy it'd be to just slide off the roof and onto the cement some forty-plus feet below.

Be mindful. I'm not saying give yourself a 'get outta jail free' card or whatever for bad habits, things you wanna change, the like. But be constructive, dear. "Yup, that needs not to happen again!" And then act on it. Be your best, by all means-- but to do that, don't beat yourself up. That will lead to the self-loathing cycle, heh. Just make sure you know how you work to improve yourself the next time around.

Sending hugs, hon. *nods* <3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

... and the self-loathing cycle is NOT a fun place to be XD;;

I kind of feel better knowing that even someone as sweet as you has done self-destructive things and had those kinds of horrible thoughts... 'cause... you're the nicest person ever :D So I guess it doesn't have to automatically make me a bad person.

Thanks for the advice and the hugs ♥ *Hugs*

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

It really, REALLY isn't. @o So darnit, break outta that~! It'll take time and figuring out what works for you, but there're ways to stay positive, even if you're the pessimistic optimist type (and I DO know some of those, wouldn't pin you as one, so~).

Heh. Oh, dear. I think... I think everyone has trouble believing in themselves? We're humans, we're subject to whims and habits and not doing the best things for ourselves. But that's what makes life worthwhile, that we can try to do our best. Believe in yourself, it's the only start for you, all that jazz~? ;3

*smooshles you to her bosom* u.u &hearts

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I don't personally believe that you are shifting responsibility to anyone other than yourself. You've fully admitted that Miles is as much you as "regular" you is.

The problem, as I see it, at least, isn't that you're not acknowledging your responsibility for your actions, but that you do not understand yet why you want to do those actions in the first place.

I know you've said a lot on how you're thankful for your current life, and how you want to savor it. And that's great.

On the other hand, though, everything you've told me about your other life suggests to me that you're still suffering- even now- from a lot of post traumatic stress syndrome from being a child soldier. I might very well be wrong, but I feel that going through that sort of life, and still having flashbacks from it even now, could literally drive someone to drink.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Whoa, child soldier? What?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Blazey's just glorifying me being a child Freedom Fighter XD;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Nah... I really don't think I'm traumatised by any former life. I'm pretty content as far as that goes. The only thing could be that I'm subconsciously trying to make my life more exciting... Boredom and loneliness seem to be my greatest daemons right now. Maybe I just wanna be more than I actually am... which is sad, because I've always been an advocate for just being oneself, even if that self is very small in the grand scale of things.

As emo as this sounds, and I really don't mean it that way, sometimes I just want to feel. So I do outrageous things, just for the effect they have on my senses and emotions ^^; Being angry and/or sad is better than just feeling nothing.

[(Anonymous)]

Not going to say who I am, but I had this exact problem when I was younger. I used to hurt people intentionally (though I wasn't aware it was intentional at the time), by starting fights, doing bad things, damaging myself mentally and emotionally on purpose because I had nothing else and wanted to make myself feel like I was... something, even if it was bad.

It was the worst phase of my life. I regret every single moment of it. Don't go down that path -- it will only lead to ruin and fucking yourself over in ways that may wind up being insurmountable. Some of the things I've done are going to follow me for the rest of my life, and I'd give anything to go back and be less fucking stupid and self centred. If you're bored, acknowledge it and move onto something constructive. Choosing to lead a life of giving to others is what cured me of my chronic stupidity and saved me from myself.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I've had times like that. Feeling like I need some emotion, any emotion, just to feel alive.

Maybe it's not so bad as long as you don't do any permanent damage to yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

Agree very, very strongly with the other anonymous person who said to never try hard drugs, and I applaud you for never giving into that temptation.

I think all this introspection about why you feel the need to get drunk is very good, but it can only take you so far. Overcoming it is ultimately more important. You need to go BACK outside. Leave most of your money at home so you won't be tempted to buy alcohol. And then, no matter how scary or difficult, find something to be involved with in the outside world. A class, a club, a new job, it doesn't matter what it is as long as you find it interesting. You need friends. Internet friends are wonderful, but you need people you can laugh and have fun with face to face. The more you break out of your comfort zone, the more times you get up no matter how life knocks you down, the easier it will get to do it again. And when your life is more full and you just plain have less time to feel depressed or lonely, then you won't feel the need for so many coping mechanisms.

Maybe you can dump one of the Smirnoff bottles you bought into the sink. That might be a liberating feeling. Don't think of it as a waste of money, because you bought the alcohol to "get wasted" anyway.

Sorry if I sound like I'm ordering you around, it's only suggestions. Only you can decide what is best for yourself.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of doing some volunteer work. I'm actively seeking employment, which I think will help a lot when I get a job, so that I'm not just sitting around all day... but in the meantime, I could do some charity work or something. it would occupy some of my time and maybe improve my health too by moving around ^^;

I'm not sure if I can bring myself to throw away a whole bottle of vodka ._.;; Those things are expensive. But... if I can find stuff to do other than drinking, then the vodka can sit there as long as it needs to. I don't have to drink it right away or all at once.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Volunteer work = good idea. Just sitting around wanting to do something can lead to a lot of problems: I know that well. And sometimes, you just have to make yourself go out (or at least get up) and Do. It really does work.

I also know from my time being depressed that... if you can swing by some kind of local youth support group/advice centre (you still count as "youth" until you're 25 or 26, I think), there are short-stay places that can take you in for a period if you feel you're having an emotional crisis or at risk of harming yourself. And "harming yourself" could mean "going to drink yourself into a stupor", here.

I also want to suggest that you might be able to find the "more" you're looking for in magic or energy work. Just a thought. There's nothing wrong with longing for Elseworlds, even if you pride yourself on not doing so, but it can destroy you if you let yourself long too much without doing anything about it (again, I know). I hear this book is a good recommended starting point (I just bought that one myself, hasn't arrived yet, but I hear a lot of Good Things), and if nothing else, it's an interesting read/distraction?

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

I've read through the comments on this post, you're wanting reality checks? Here's one for you.

I come from a family of alcoholics who will use ANY holiday as a means to go out and get a six pack.

The things I've seen and went through are... damaging. Trust was broken and rattled.

Back when I was thirteen, my family and I lived with my aunt and uncle, they went through so much beer in a day. It was a thrill to them, drinking all day, all night and wounded up in fist fights at the end of the night. Enough to get my cousin in the middle of it, enough to get my dad in the middle of it too. I've seen enough to those fights to have made me hate that stuff. I hate it, Jai. My cousin, last I heard, is in jail now.

When I turned sixteen, my mom's side of the family used both my birthday and New Years Eve to get me drunk. A slushie is what they called it. The glass as tall as a Coke bottle, I downed two of those things since they really, really pushed it on me. The straw was pushed in my face, guilt-ed into drinking since it was my birthday. I paid badly for it the next day. Trust was broken and it wasn't the first time.

In '06, that same side of the family was sneaky enough to put alcohol into my drink. When I left later in the afternoon, no one stopped me to warn me what they had done. It makes me mad, even now, to know that they did this. I had to drive, Jai. Getting that drink into my system only made me tired, I fought to keep awake at the wheel, dozing off and snapping awake. No one to thought to tell me that I was a pulling a DUI. I'm damned lucky to have made it to my destination, having drove for half hour of fighting off the sleep. It was Justin who figured out what was wrong with me later on that night, having smelled the alcohol on me. It honestly feels like I could have been hurt cause of that.

I'm lucky to have broken away from that. The closest thing now is Root Beer. :P

Please, please be careful, Jai. I don't want to see you drinking yourself to a point to where you can't control it anymore.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I will be careful, Jenn. Thanks for sharing your story with me... it means a lot that you trust me with that. I'm sure it must have been painful for you. It's beyond awful that they did that to you.

*Hugs* Thank you so much. Every comment helps, especially ones like this.