Oh wow. I fail hardcore. Please treat me with the appropriate disdain >_>;

[flyboy_fox]

I guess I'm not the only one getting my comment notifications about four hours late? ^^;

Ugh, I just had THE most restless and disturbed 4 hours' sleep ever. Talk about odd and creepy dreams... and I'm still really tired but oh well, gotta get up and face the day!

So... I suppose Chasey's right and what I really have here is a 'muse' of sorts. It's really strange, because in my 25 years of life I have never shared my thought-space with any form of duplicity ^^; First time for everything, I guess.

Anyhow, the comments I got on my last post made me feel a lot better, from 'kin and non-'kin folk alike. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see exactly what happens with 'Miles'.

My only major concern with him is that I know exactly what he is and where he came from. He's certainly not canon. Like I tried to describe in my last post, he's basically everything that's bad about me, the worst aspects of my psyche. He's only gone and called himself Miles because Miles is the antithesis to Tails and he's my antithesis >_>;;

Basically... my concern... well, anyone who's known me more than 6 months or so has seen me at my worst. This part of me... doesn't get control often, but when it does, that's when the shit hits the fan. It's crap like that which has wound me up arrested or in hospital or doing damage to myself. I think this part of me is actually more self-destructive than outwardly so. At least, I hope so... I know I have said and done some very cruel things in that head before... I have been very destructive, actually, I guess. But either way, that's why I don't wanna take it too lightly. "Just a muse" is comforting... to a degree. "Just a muse... who hates me and could royally fuck me up" is less comforting. I have no doubt that if I give him too much power as an entity, he won't hesitate to mess me up and try to hurt people I care about. 'Cause that is basically what I do x.x

The irony is, he hates me yet he's part of me. It's a ridiculous cycle of self-loathing that I think really is his (my) main problem. When it comes down to it, he's nothing more than me at my lowest, hating humanity and hating myself. And God knows we don't want to encourage that XD;;

So yeah, he may look like Miles and sound like Miles, but I think he's possibly far less redeemable than canon-Miles and far more screwed up. Definitely more screwed up. I suppose if any good can come of that it's that maybe now I can better separate that part of my mind off and be objective about it/him. Know thyself, and all that.


Edit: ... Guess who just came home from Tesco with healthy foodstuffs and... two bottles of Smirnoff, a bottle of Malibu, and a 4-pack of Bacardi Breezers? I was getting bad when I was getting through two bottles of vodka in a week, but THIS is... ugh... I have a problem (and I can't blame it on anything other than my own weak will and love of being inebriated). At least... I can try to moderate it. Make it last. Because I can't afford to buy that much again for a loooong while, and that's a good reason to make it last, right? Not for my health or anything x.x Jai, I am ashamed. And disappoint.

Edit 2: Okay, WHY the fuck did I do that? See... see, this is why I do not want to separate off my bad bad habits and issues into its own identity. Because I SUCK. I cannot justify apportioning ANY responsibility for my own retarded actions to anyone other than myself. I do not wanna start blaming someone else in my head for my own fucking failings. "My junkie alcoholic alter-ego made me." Get a grip, Jai, you fucking retard. What happened? I was in Tesco and I was feeling pretty good, thinking how great it was to actually be out and about for once, and that I should celebrate by buying a little bit of drink for tonight before I start on my cardio workout regime tomorrow. Next thing I know, I'm lugging enough booze home for a whole goddamn party. Yeah. "Big party tonight?" the girl at the counter asks. "Something like that," I say. At least by owning up here on LJ I can hopefully get appropriately scolded for being a weak-minded peon who tries to drown out every problem at the bottom of a bottle. I am so angry with myself right now. I know I can be better than this.

Fucking FAIL, Jai.

Comments

[sletia.livejournal.com]

What's the point of scolding you?

[(Anonymous)]

Don't beat yourself up too badly. Now that you know there's a problem, all you have to do is try something to fix it. I personally suggest giving some of the booze away or returning it to the store. That's a good way to take responsibility.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

I haven't read the comments on your last entry yet (though I did read the entry itself) so I apologize if I'm repeating myself. Since it sounds like you've already gotten the 'kin answer, I'll give you the armchair psychologist answer.

It sounds like what you may be doing is mentally dissociating your "bad" behavior from yourself. You don't want to think of yourself as the kind of person who does these things, but you don't want to stop, either, so you shift the "blame" over to Miles.

Right now, all Miles is is a kind of a mental construct, an image given a "persona" basically under your control. However, if you keep him around and keep feeding him for long enough, there's a possibility that he'll become independent either in the spiritual sense of being an actual person, or in the "fuck, now I can't shut this coping mechanism off" sense. Not really much of a difference.

So I guess the question (which you've already started asking yourself) is, "do I want to share my head with an asshole, or just accept that I myself can sometimes be an asshole?"

Nothing wrong with either option, imo.

Anyway, sorry you're going through this. *hug*

-Mordax

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

...heh. Ohboy, this is where voices get fun. |D;;

I guess I was wrong if I said anything in the 'just' category, concerning Muses or alter-egos or-- whatever name you care to pin to 'em. I think there's a care you have to take really recognizing that they ARE you. That we as the 'holder' is accountable for whatever influence the different voices of our personality tempt us with. It's a delicate balance, I guess... it's not that the assigning names and personas to factions of ourselves is a bad thing. It's just a matter of being careful to hold them close to you. They're important. Part of us, y'know.

That said... really, hon, don't be so hard on yourself. We ALL have bad habits. We're all self-destructive when in a rut, it's just... how it is. I've had my fair share, I've set sketches on fire and thrown little trinkets out my second-story window thinking about how easy it'd be to just slide off the roof and onto the cement some forty-plus feet below.

Be mindful. I'm not saying give yourself a 'get outta jail free' card or whatever for bad habits, things you wanna change, the like. But be constructive, dear. "Yup, that needs not to happen again!" And then act on it. Be your best, by all means-- but to do that, don't beat yourself up. That will lead to the self-loathing cycle, heh. Just make sure you know how you work to improve yourself the next time around.

Sending hugs, hon. *nods* <3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

To help me to feel appropriately shitty so that I'll be so ashamed of myself that I won't do it again? :\

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't know anyone to give it to (there's the loneliness factor, right there XD;). I could try to take some back. *Nods*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely right about Miles. That's why I'm kind of iffy about letting him actually exist as his own person, because then it would be SO easy to just blame him for everything :\

I think I'm already having a problem with "fuck, now I can't shut this coping mechanism off". Alcohol being the coping mechanism rather than Miles right now.

So... uh... how do I stop doing bad things when they're the only things that keep me sane sometimes (and I'm clearly addicted to them)? ^^;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

... and the self-loathing cycle is NOT a fun place to be XD;;

I kind of feel better knowing that even someone as sweet as you has done self-destructive things and had those kinds of horrible thoughts... 'cause... you're the nicest person ever :D So I guess it doesn't have to automatically make me a bad person.

Thanks for the advice and the hugs ♥ *Hugs*

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I don't know, hon, maybe you need to make these mistakes to learn from them. :/

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't seem to learn. The fact that I have a history that includes being arrested and spending a night in a cell for being drunk and disorderly is kind of an indication of that ^^; I fail at learning from previous mistakes.

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

It really, REALLY isn't. @o So darnit, break outta that~! It'll take time and figuring out what works for you, but there're ways to stay positive, even if you're the pessimistic optimist type (and I DO know some of those, wouldn't pin you as one, so~).

Heh. Oh, dear. I think... I think everyone has trouble believing in themselves? We're humans, we're subject to whims and habits and not doing the best things for ourselves. But that's what makes life worthwhile, that we can try to do our best. Believe in yourself, it's the only start for you, all that jazz~? ;3

*smooshles you to her bosom* u.u &hearts

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Maybe you have alcoholic tendencies? I don't know.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I am the pessimistic cynical despicable type XD;

I might find it easier to believe in myself if I wasn't always fudging everything up x.n;; But you're right, only human, gotta remember that. Bound to make mistakes and do stupid things sometimes. At least I recognised that I did a stupid thing ^^; That's a start, right?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I definitely have alcoholic tendencies. I have tendencies to get addicted to anything that makes me feel good or interesting... I could very easily become addicted to hard drugs if I ever tried them, and I find myself really wanting to try them... even knowing it would be the WORST thing for me to do. x.x

[(Anonymous)]

Do not even THINK about trying hard drugs. I'm serious. It's not a game. I lost a family member four years ago to this kind of thinking and behavior, and lives have disintegrated around it. Just. Don't. Don't go there. Don't even think about going there.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

You need a new, more harmless addiction, maybe. Some kind of videogame? Keeps your mind off shit and keeps you legal. Some kind of MMO, facebook.. somethin'.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Sometimes hearing the truth about what it can do is a good slap in the face. I haven't tried them and that's because I know how dangerous they are. I just need to find a way to shut off the part of me that doesn't care about danger. That's usually when I'm depressed and don't care what happens to me even if it hurts others. I'm scared of that part of me overriding me some day.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm addicted to all that stuff already ^^; I have a lot of addictions at various levels...

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

well, if you let him develop far enough he *will* be the one doing them; only you'll have even less control than you do now.

The thing about coping mechanisms, is, if they're working, they really do help you cope. Of course, some are healthier than others.

Uh, I think you're asking the wrong person about how to stop doing "bad things". Personally, Unless something is totally self-destructive, i figure, if I enjoy it, why stop? Yeah, that maybe more than occasionally makes me an asshole; but being free to do what I want makes me a happy, easy to get along with asshole.

If I spent all my time trying to regulate my behavior on the basis of whether it was moral or healthy, I'd be miserable.

-Mordax

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That is the dilemma, indeed. Do I do unhealthy things which, in the end, keep me from being depressed? Or, do I stop doing them and fall into depression, which is equally (if not more) unhealthy?

I suppose 'moderation' is supposedly the answer... but I can never have just one drink. Half a large bottle of vodka, minumum. I can't imagine what that's doing to my liver.

But there's nothing that feels better than being totally drunk and listening to my favourite music. That's like a drug to me.

I really appreciate your responses, Mordax. They're honest and realistic. Thanks. *Hug*

[sletia.livejournal.com]

If I spent all my time trying to regulate my behavior on the basis of whether it was moral or healthy, I'd be miserable.

Nah, you'd be David. :P

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

My pleasure. Honestly, extremes of any kind are bad for you, physically and emotionally. Spending all your energy trying not to do something is usually ultimately more damaging (to you personally) than if you went ahead and got it over with.

*hug* Any time.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I don't personally believe that you are shifting responsibility to anyone other than yourself. You've fully admitted that Miles is as much you as "regular" you is.

The problem, as I see it, at least, isn't that you're not acknowledging your responsibility for your actions, but that you do not understand yet why you want to do those actions in the first place.

I know you've said a lot on how you're thankful for your current life, and how you want to savor it. And that's great.

On the other hand, though, everything you've told me about your other life suggests to me that you're still suffering- even now- from a lot of post traumatic stress syndrome from being a child soldier. I might very well be wrong, but I feel that going through that sort of life, and still having flashbacks from it even now, could literally drive someone to drink.

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

Eh. You strike me more a downed optimist? Had one too many times having someone, yourself or others, tell you it's best or nothing. |D

Oh posh. Here's a trick, something that I use sometimes-- make a mental list of everything that could go right. Even if it's as simple as "I woke up and ate breakfast". When everything else goes downhill, you can still smile that you made the healthy choice to eat! Today? You got outside and got to see the world~! Got to take a walk around. If the splurging is on your naughty list, then add to your optimistic list that you know it's a thing you can work on, and that for financial/health reasons, you can still take it in moderation~

*pokes your side* xp

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm inclined to agree. I'm a total moral-fag, and that is probably EXACTLY why I have this problem. I'm so concerned with ethics and doing the right thing... so I probably forced Miles into existence by refusing to associate with that part of myself as me.

I'm always worrying about injustice and hurting people and what effect I have on others and whether what I'm doing is morally or socially acceptable... whereas Miles doesn't give a fuck. He thinks I'm absolutely pathetic for being so straight-laced, and he finds it hilarious whenever I slip up. I guess he's the equivalent of the devil on my shoulder, and part of the problem is I'm... kinda jealous of him. As depressed and depressing as he may be, he actually has more fun than I do x.o

Thanks for just... letting me talk... ramble... whatever XD;;