Breaking the habit

[flyboy_fox]

Okay, I discussed this with Jei-ji and I decided this is probably a good time to make my final confession. I'm hoping my LJ friends will understand why I haven't openly stated this before (although a good percent of you already know). This is important because it's something I can't hide 'IRL', and as I'm off to university now, I really don't want to be struggling with keeping my 'IRL' life and my 'online' life separate. So here it is:

I am a girl.

Biologically, I am female. Ever since the age of about 12 or 13, possibly even earlier, I've identified pretty much solidly as male or neuter. I've sought out androgyny and found acceptance online being myself and identifying with male pronouns which have always felt easier to me. It's less that I feel I was born the 'wrong' gender, and more that I don't feel like gender is part of my identity at all, and I would be completely androgynous if I could do so. However, in this binary world where there is male and there is female, I am much more comfortable being seen as male.

I am sorry to break the illusion. There was no intended deceit. I have only ever been myself. I promise you all that I am not hiding anything else and that I have now pretty much laid my soul bare over the past few weeks :\ I want to go into Uni feeling that I am presenting the same person there as I am here, and vice-versa.

So here are a couple of photographs where my physical gender is obvious:





I 'came out' on SSMB about a month ago, and now I'm finally doing it where it matters most. I'm terrified, really. It's up to you whether you continue to view me in the same light as before or not, and if I have pissed anyone off, of course I am deeply sorry. I am still the same Jai, regardless of my physical gender. But I don't feel completely honest unless I'm letting you see what would be entirely obvious to anyone meeting me in person. Because online friends are as important to me as 'IRL' ones.

Thanks for your time; gonna run and hide now ._.;;

Edit: Andy just pointed out to me that there's a pic of me on Sega Europe's Flickr (the Summer of Sonic album) showing me manning the Comics Area, which apparently had already ousted me a while ago ^^; Fair's fair, I suppose?

Comments

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

I would steal you if Jei-ji wouldn't hang me by the neck. ;D Rawr.

*MURDERED BY NUMBERS*

But, seriously, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, WHY WOULD I HAET YOU FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS I FIND THAT AS RIDICULOUS AS LYING ABOUT WHAT COLOR NAILPOLISH I'M WEAR--

wait wait bad comparison sry

*goes to fetch her brain from the fridge*

BUT SERIOUSLY even if you DID keep it a secret and I happened to, maybe, run into you somewhere while we would, coincidentally, be on the hunt for some Sawnik merchandise, I'd be more just surprised in an "OH!" < / Princess Peach > than a "GLARGFGFGHHHH *FROTHS AT MOUTH*" way.

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai come here and claim you free unlimited huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs! *HUGGLABUBBLASQUISHIES* ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

AND THIS IS WHY I MUST NOT BE ONLINE OR ALLOWED TO ROAM THE STREETS WHEN I HAVE A FEVER i wonder what i'd be liek drunk ok crashing back into bed for now vrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooom rainbow roooooooooooooooad

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Meeeeel~ ;_; Thank you. You are so awesome. I feel tons better now :) NOW GO BACK TO BED OK?! OK.

[carriepika.livejournal.com]

This post actually made me kind of sad. Not because of what was being revealed in it, but because of how scared it's obviously made you. ;;

When really, you should know something as trivial as gender doesn't mean a whole lot when it comes to things like friendship. =3 At least to the people who really matter.

I've known quite a few people now, online, who are ... well.. 'transgendered' for lack of a better term, really. the amount of girls who identify mentally and emotionally as guys is remarkably high. And there's just as many guys who identify mentally and emotionally as girls. Gender 'structure' is changing as people realize it doesn't have as big an impact on personality as was once thought.

Though I must admit you look nothing like my mind had been presenting you. \Da I thought you were blonde! (GEE, I wonder why THAT is? *pokes your icon* ♥)

Now, I suppose, the question would be if you wear the yellow dress, does Jei-ji wear the blue one? =Da *SMACKED* ♥

No, seriously though. I certainly don't feel decieved. Surprised, certainly! Very much so. But it's funny, isn't it? I think I'm more surprised by the fact that it's obvious it was never meant to be some sort of deciet. Because you were never ZOMG IN YOUR FACE about being a guy. You act like someone who's... just a guy. =3b Which really means no ill intent, at least I think so anyways.

Hey. I, for one, judge my friends by their personalities, actions and their hearts. Not what's hiding in their underwear. X3 *sends lots and lots of hugs* ♥♥♥

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Carrie ^^ Thanks. That really helps. Yeah, pretty much everyone tends to assume I'm blonde, heh... and the dress? Is the only one I own, recently bought pretty much for the specific purpose of taking that photo ^^;; Then I decided I actually kinda like it and kept it.

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

I won't lie. This post almost made me pack up my laptop and go to the cafe place. Why? To leave a tl;dr comment. =P So I'm at home typing on my phone with the charger plugged in.

I really can't see the pictures all that well so I'll comment on 'em later.

This was a post that I wasn't expecting from you. It really did surprise me.

Now then. You're still Jai no matter what. It's all about personality.

Zidane: "Who cares about looks? Its whats on in the inside that matters." - Something like that, quote isn't accurate, but its very true ain't it? Just keep on being yourself. <3

Take care at the Uni. =3

*sends hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks Tifa. Sorry for giving you a shock :\ But thank you for being supportive and understanding. It means a lot.

(Icon match!)

[andysquirrel.livejournal.com]

I already knew that from the pic of you on sega europe's flicr :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

There's a pic of me on Sega Europe's Flickr? O.o Wh-where?

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I'm just glad to finally see a picture of you. :) I like to put faces to names online.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, there's that, too :) It's always good to actually know what the person you're chatting to looks like, even if appearances aren't all that important. I guess it feels more personal and less faceless?

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

I hope you are no offended in return, but I personally think your face looks rather male..(ignoring the earrings)

I also didn't know you where female until now, but I'm not really bothered.
Don't think you actually stated what your gender was, or denied you where a girl or other such thing.
So technically, it's only the impression you gave off to others.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm not wearing earrings XD;; My ears aren't pierced. But don't worry, no offense taken. I choose not to wear any make-up, which probably makes my face less female, but maybe it's just a weirdly masculine face anyway XD;; I'm also very flat chested, so that helps. Haa... I feel odd now, but I'm glad you're not bothered by my gender :)

[rblake77.livejournal.com]

I'm not bothered, nor do I feel deceived or anything. I figure that even on the Internet people want their privacy, which I'm cool with.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Jai, you liar! :O It was me who failed in gender identification. D:

Nah, I'm kidding. C'mon, what's so trivial about the gender of someone anyway? Jai is Jai, male or female, so don't think you're swaying my views on you that easily, silly woman. :P

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD; The word 'woman' makes me feel very uneasy. Can I be a silly 'person' instead?

Yeah, gender isn't that important, I guess. I just wanna be open with everyone, at least to the degree I'd be with anyone I met 'IRL'.

Thanks for understanding, Jadey :)

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

Your room has Sonic stuff everywhere. haha!

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know a lot of people who do not identify as the gender they were born with.

*hugs* I know this was really hard for you.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeeeah, my room is a disaster zone piled high with Sonic junk ^^;;

Thanks ::Hugs:: It was scary to make the post, but the understanding and supportiveness of the replies has made it very much worth it :)

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

*blinkblink*

...

...nope, sorry, kid. You're just gonna have to try harder t'get rid of me. lD <3

This was certainly not what I expected to wake up to at six forty in the morning, granted! XD I did my fair share of blinking and going "...huh." But... that was probably about the entirety of my reaction.

I gotta say? The soul-bearing that I have seen the past couple weeks or so? Honestly makes me feel honored. Because Jai is Jai, and Jai is awesome for all the fun-loving nature, the awesomeness, the intelligence, the craziness. All of it. Jai is Jai. There is seriously nothing about to change that. :3

And as Carrie said? I see no intent of deciet. At all. You behave and conduct yourself in a way that makes you comfortable, and whoopsies on my part for assuming. Or... something? XD

I just woke up (again) and I didn't sleep well and I'm likely not making too much sense, but seriously. My guy friends, my girl friends, they all share something. And that's that they have all the qualities personality-wise that make me love 'em to bits.

So I repeat. You're gonna have to try harder. This insane Chasey is still on your case. >8D

*dashes to get dressed* <3<3<3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Chasey ^^ I'm glad I won't be able to get rid of ya! ;) That's a relief. Stuff like this always makes me realize how awesome the friends I have are, and that I made the right decision to be totally open with you guys ^^

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

... I'm a clueless dweeb, so I really can't tell by the pictures. You look like a guy to me. xDD

Er, well, anyway.

I already know, so there's nothing I have to say about that. As always, my opinion? Not applicable.

Also, back up, after reading the comments, I find out that passes as a dress? xD;; Then again, I live in a place where men walk around in thobes.

Quite honestly, you look like a guy in a "dress" there. xD; I almost thought we were gonna get a shot of you in something revealing like lingerie, 'cause that's the only thing that came to mind that'd make everything apparant.

... But I'm glad ya didn't go that immodest route, in case you think I'm complaining! ^o^;

You already know me and I already know from APF. No surprise here, nor there.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

A guy in a dress XD Thanks Lamees, that made me laugh! So, a couple people have said I have a male face O.o I'm not sure if I should be insulted, flattered or just confused.

But yeah, you already knew anyway from APF ^^ Wow, that brings back memories. Mighty Moltres... FIYAAAA!!! >O

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Yanno, for a while now I've been thinking that I wasn't sure what your gender was (your gender identity, even, not your physical gender), but it's never something I'd've asked, because I figured you'd share it if you wanted people to know, and if you don't want people to know it shouldn't be anyone's business. There are more important things to consider when relating to a person.

And hey, I'm trans anyway (I assumed you knew that), so I'm hardly going to make a fuss. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you with the "don't care too much about gender but in this gender-divided world, I'd rather be male" thing, and I too have found comfort presenting online as male (and I know what it feels like to keep the secret; on my first ever website I just IDed as male without telling anyone the more complex truth behind it, and I subsequently felt bad about that).

*squoosh* You are what you feel you are, no matter what you look like. You'll catch no flak from me about it. And just to remind you, if you haven't felt that I've been pestering you too much lately in your LJ over everything, the offer to poke me online and rope me in for chat sometime is still open whenever you want.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I kinda feel like my gender is nebulous. Fluid. Not static. Blah, I hate binary gender definition. 'Cause some days I'll wake up after a particularly vivid dream (I'm physically male more often than not in my dreams) and feel 100% certain that I'd have 'that' operation in a heartbeat if I could afford it (or sideline my Uni/career prospects by going NHS and fighting for it). Then other days I'll feel much more at ease, to the point where I'll think "Hey, I actually look okay in this dress" etc.

Anyway, I'd most definitely like to hit you up for a chat sometime :D Most likely when I'm settled at Uni in a week or two instead of doing what I'm doing now which is running around like a headless chocobo trying to get my room ready for Jei's arrival tomorrow and then leaping across the room to answer posts every time my computer beeps to tell me it has mail.*


*Which is bizarre because I turned GMail Notifier's sound OFF, and in response it has decided to now bleep at me from INSIDE THE COMPUTER CASE when it has mail a la those ooooold DOS games that relied on *Skreeek-haaaw! Beeep!* sound effects from the motherboard D: Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure FTW!!

[insanepurin.livejournal.com]

*snuggle* You're not the only one who's identified as transgender/androgynous on my flist. :3

You're not deceiving anyone at all! It takes a lot of courage to tell the world a secret like this, and I'm by your side no matter what you identify with! I see you as Jai and I see you as you are: a snuggly sweet friend who deserves the love of Jei and all your friends~ ♥♥♥

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hee... thanks Puri! <3 *Hugs*

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

You told me about this years ago, it shocked me back then but it didn't bother me at all...heck, I honestly thought the people on your list knew o.o; (besides me, and I meant as a whole)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Heh, well, some of them knew before now, some of them didn't n.n; Depends at which point they joined my LJ I guess. I mean... at the time that I told you, it wasn't a public announcement. It was 'cause I was going to be meeting you IRL and I figured it would be better to tell you beforehand rather than you meeting me and saying "Hi, where's Jai?", thinking I was some random strange girl XD;;

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Psh, you should know us all well enough by now, Jai, to know that we all love ya just as much (if not more than) we did yesterday :3

In all honesty, I find this somewhat funny. I doubt you remember, but back in the age of Finality, I was trying to figure out who "SonicBlueStreak" was, because "his" art was what inspired a Sontails story... Then you inform me that it's "way_past_cool", who is also a girl, who is also your girlfriend XDD;; And then I swore to stop assuming what people's genders were online and to always confirm. I never did with you, I always assumed biologically male, and so you never lied to me (D

But, honestly, I'm the last person to base anything on biological gender. It all comes down to how the person feels about their own body, and how they portray their gender. So, for all intents and purposes, you'll always be that "slightly-effeminate male" I once described you as two years ago. (I just went back to some of your entries around that time and saw a post a lot of people commented on wherein you asked what gender people saw you as, which makes a lot of sense now XD; )

There will be a small bit of processing time, though, I can't lie. The reason for this? Way back when, when I was living in a little apartment in Cedar City, I was crushing on the fox known as Jai. Since then, it's settled into a friends-based love for ya, and that'll never fade ^_^

...This officially makes me the most effeminate-acting biological male I know, online and in real life O.o XDDD

To sum it all up, you have absolutely nothing to be scared of :3 We're all still here, and we're not going anywhere (D

EDIT - Completely random, but this song hit my head while I was thinking about this. Who'm I to question it? XD Have a present!~

Shiny Toy Guns - "We Are Pilots"

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Ooo... @_@ Awesome song is awesome. Thanks Sphix!

Well, thank you for your understanding words :) "slightly effeminate male", "tomboyish girl", "that person"... it's all the same really XD;

*Hugs!*

[a-crystals-oath.livejournal.com]

Doesn't shock/bother/horrify me/etc... but then I tend to think of people as gender neutral until they confess gender and the like. XD

Besides, I've met quite a few 'transgendered' people online. Matt and others come to mind.

Now I go to bed. I have to get up in like... 3 hours.

Tell you the same thing I tell Rei and Blaze. "Y'all worry about how others'll take things too damn much. v_v Your friends won't care and those who do obviously aren't very friend-like."

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Honestly I... thought you knew? XD I get confused with who knows what about me, and that's part of the reason I've just been wanting to get it all out in the open so i don't have to keep tabs on it anymore ^^;

Thanks for the sensible words :)

[glimmer17.livejournal.com]

I always thought you were female. 0.o

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was never closeted about it in the 'kin communities ^^; But most of my LJ friends aren't from those comms and so never knew.

[tragic-elegance.livejournal.com]

It's not anything to get pissed off about; it's just something else to learn about you. ^_^

It musts have taken a lot of courage to "confess". Good for you!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks Lin!

You know, years on, I think you're STILL the only friend I have online who was gained through me being bold enough to IM someone randomly and get chatting XD Pretty much everyone else either IMed me first or I met on a forum/LJ comm.

[capncloudchaser.livejournal.com]

Whoa, there is a Sega Europe Flickr page? Sheeet I'm on it and I didn't even know :O

>_>

But on topic to your post, I've only known you from SoS, although I saw your LJ posts in the Sonic Stuff community a lot, long before that, so naturally, didn't really know owt about ya. But I understand what you mean about androgyny and gender not being important. I don't consider gender to be important either, and I kinda grew up as a tomboy, never related to other women, still don't really have any female friends. The only downside with me is that I'm fat and have a big chest, so I can't really hide it. Hell, some people thought I was a bloke at SoS anyway, but then dressing up as a male character probably didn't help :D

So yeah, you're not alone in thinking that gender is irrelevant too.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I didn't know that page was there either and that I was on it until today XD One of your pics is the icon for the whole album! Deservedly - your costume was pretty much one of the best things at SoS XD

I'm glad that most of my friends don't seem to think gender is too important. That's very refreshing :)

[p1nk5pider.livejournal.com]

Heh, i already knew this from the APF back in the day..
Even after that revelation, you've always just been Jai. :3
But i honestly know how you feel. i wish people wouldn't tag a gender to me, because as far as what i feel i'm pretty much androgynous/neutral/whatever you wanna call it. i have times of femininity, and times of masculinity, but for the most part they pretty much just co-exist. Most people i associate with online already know me IRL, so i don't really hide the fact that i am bio-female, but i still wish that there was some way to... well, i dunno. i dunno what i'm talking about anymore, i think i'm just rambling now! x3
But yeah, it's good that you did "come out" about it, just so you can see how wonderful and accepting all your friends are!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, everyone's been really great XD Then again, I should have expected that since I've been putting them through shit forever and they've never complained ^^;

It's also really refreshing and cool to know that a lot of my friends can relate to the whole apathy-towards-gender thing. :)

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

That outfit is very androgynous, oddly enough...It took me a bit to realize that you were wearing a skirt and not shorts.

I honestly think your appearance is dead center androgynous, Jai. I couldn't tell if you were a girl or boy for the life of me if you hadn't told me. In my opinion, your face looks stunningly beautiful as a result of it.

The thing that's surprised me most about you, Jai, since I've met you, is that we share a lot of the same self-esteem issues. As a_crystals_oath pointed out, we both have a tendency to worry about what others think of us.

You've helped me a lot with my issues, though. I've had a habit of thinking I am ugly just because I am physically male. Talking to you helped me do it less...But I'd still been doing it from time to time, and seeing this post from you, and seeing you knew, in a way, how I felt, made me truly realize that I was not ugly...I had just been mislead to think I was.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Who you are never changes Jai. You're a very honest and consistent person, and I think that your core personality is something so beautiful I cannot begin to describe it in words.

You seem like you'd still like to be able to define yourself as a gender at times though, to feel truly "male." If so, I can understand that. I feel the trick to it is learning to define gender as what makes you comfortable and happy, rather than as something defined by the opinions of others. Right now, I choose to be a mostly feminine person with a few masculine traits, because that's what makes me comfortable. It's not the core of my personality, and is in the end little more than an elaborate roleplay, but I figure if it comforts me, than it has a purpose.

It took me a while to realize it, but you have never come across as having a feminine personalilty to me, Jai. Despite your body and your age, you've always acted like a little boy. And somehow I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Mentally, gender is a confusing thing, because, when you get right down to it, there is no real clear way to define it...it's mostly a mess of stereotypes that combine in various ways.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww Blazey ^^ Thanks. I'm really glad that you view me that way. I think we've probably both helped each other a fair bit, and I think that's part of what makes up a good friendship. ::Hugs:: Gender is such a trifling thing, really. Doesn't define us at all.

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Crazy, I had no idea! It's so easy to just assume what gender someone is on the internets. I totally don't mind though, I think it's awesome that you're comfortable with your "mental" gender, so to speak. SO YAY!!!! :) :) :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hehe, awesome :) Thanks!!

[the-terrible.livejournal.com]

I can't help but be amused by this because I recall first referring to you as female, then being told you were male, then reverting to thinking you were female and then back again. (You probably recall an instance or two of this.) For a long time I was VERY confused, to say the least! XD

But thanks for finally clearing all the confusion away; I like it so much more when I'm not puzzled about something.

I'm not pissed off at all, by the way; a lot of people hide their true selves from the online world, and with good reason. I've never really practiced that myself; pretty much anyone who cares knows what I look like, and that's fine with me. But I think I can appreciate why you chose to hide it for a time.

And I'm not going to get all weird on you or anything, but I did want to mention that you're attractive. :)

But there's a habit of my own that's going to be harder to break, not that I'm very sure I'll actually break it: identifying you with Tails. :D

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hehe, thanks ^^ Sorry about all the confusion!!

[artamissnowpaw.livejournal.com]

I know since I've added you, I haven't said much or commented on your journal, but I do always read them. Honestly, it doesn't make a difference at all. Male, Female, you're still you, and that's what matters. If it helps, when I first started out online, I posed as a female. Not for the same reasons, but it's in the same-ish ballpark, so I get why you wanna come clean and let everyone know.

All is well, my friend, just be you. That's all that matters :3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for understanding ^^ That's good to know...

[hamlover.livejournal.com]

Nice!

I cracked up at this because of how many gay guys fell for you.

Holy shit! I just cannot picture you having wimminparts. xD

You look kinda like Suguri from Inubaka..

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y83/Hamlover/Inubaka12.jpg

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD I guess I'm like... a reverse trap?

Aww, she's cute. I guess she and I have... the same hair? ^^;