Breaking the habit

[flyboy_fox]

Okay, I discussed this with Jei-ji and I decided this is probably a good time to make my final confession. I'm hoping my LJ friends will understand why I haven't openly stated this before (although a good percent of you already know). This is important because it's something I can't hide 'IRL', and as I'm off to university now, I really don't want to be struggling with keeping my 'IRL' life and my 'online' life separate. So here it is:

I am a girl.

Biologically, I am female. Ever since the age of about 12 or 13, possibly even earlier, I've identified pretty much solidly as male or neuter. I've sought out androgyny and found acceptance online being myself and identifying with male pronouns which have always felt easier to me. It's less that I feel I was born the 'wrong' gender, and more that I don't feel like gender is part of my identity at all, and I would be completely androgynous if I could do so. However, in this binary world where there is male and there is female, I am much more comfortable being seen as male.

I am sorry to break the illusion. There was no intended deceit. I have only ever been myself. I promise you all that I am not hiding anything else and that I have now pretty much laid my soul bare over the past few weeks :\ I want to go into Uni feeling that I am presenting the same person there as I am here, and vice-versa.

So here are a couple of photographs where my physical gender is obvious:





I 'came out' on SSMB about a month ago, and now I'm finally doing it where it matters most. I'm terrified, really. It's up to you whether you continue to view me in the same light as before or not, and if I have pissed anyone off, of course I am deeply sorry. I am still the same Jai, regardless of my physical gender. But I don't feel completely honest unless I'm letting you see what would be entirely obvious to anyone meeting me in person. Because online friends are as important to me as 'IRL' ones.

Thanks for your time; gonna run and hide now ._.;;

Edit: Andy just pointed out to me that there's a pic of me on Sega Europe's Flickr (the Summer of Sonic album) showing me manning the Comics Area, which apparently had already ousted me a while ago ^^; Fair's fair, I suppose?

Comments

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

I would steal you if Jei-ji wouldn't hang me by the neck. ;D Rawr.

*MURDERED BY NUMBERS*

But, seriously, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, WHY WOULD I HAET YOU FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS I FIND THAT AS RIDICULOUS AS LYING ABOUT WHAT COLOR NAILPOLISH I'M WEAR--

wait wait bad comparison sry

*goes to fetch her brain from the fridge*

BUT SERIOUSLY even if you DID keep it a secret and I happened to, maybe, run into you somewhere while we would, coincidentally, be on the hunt for some Sawnik merchandise, I'd be more just surprised in an "OH!" < / Princess Peach > than a "GLARGFGFGHHHH *FROTHS AT MOUTH*" way.

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai come here and claim you free unlimited huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs! *HUGGLABUBBLASQUISHIES* ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

AND THIS IS WHY I MUST NOT BE ONLINE OR ALLOWED TO ROAM THE STREETS WHEN I HAVE A FEVER i wonder what i'd be liek drunk ok crashing back into bed for now vrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooom rainbow roooooooooooooooad

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Meeeeel~ ;_; Thank you. You are so awesome. I feel tons better now :) NOW GO BACK TO BED OK?! OK.

[dia-aren-marie.livejournal.com]

AFTER I'M DONE HUGGING THE BAJEEBUS OUT OF YOU AND STUFFING MY FACE WITH RAISIN BREAD I WILL

I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL

I WILLL BEEEEEEEEE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[carriepika.livejournal.com]

This post actually made me kind of sad. Not because of what was being revealed in it, but because of how scared it's obviously made you. ;;

When really, you should know something as trivial as gender doesn't mean a whole lot when it comes to things like friendship. =3 At least to the people who really matter.

I've known quite a few people now, online, who are ... well.. 'transgendered' for lack of a better term, really. the amount of girls who identify mentally and emotionally as guys is remarkably high. And there's just as many guys who identify mentally and emotionally as girls. Gender 'structure' is changing as people realize it doesn't have as big an impact on personality as was once thought.

Though I must admit you look nothing like my mind had been presenting you. \Da I thought you were blonde! (GEE, I wonder why THAT is? *pokes your icon* ♥)

Now, I suppose, the question would be if you wear the yellow dress, does Jei-ji wear the blue one? =Da *SMACKED* ♥

No, seriously though. I certainly don't feel decieved. Surprised, certainly! Very much so. But it's funny, isn't it? I think I'm more surprised by the fact that it's obvious it was never meant to be some sort of deciet. Because you were never ZOMG IN YOUR FACE about being a guy. You act like someone who's... just a guy. =3b Which really means no ill intent, at least I think so anyways.

Hey. I, for one, judge my friends by their personalities, actions and their hearts. Not what's hiding in their underwear. X3 *sends lots and lots of hugs* ♥♥♥

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Carrie ^^ Thanks. That really helps. Yeah, pretty much everyone tends to assume I'm blonde, heh... and the dress? Is the only one I own, recently bought pretty much for the specific purpose of taking that photo ^^;; Then I decided I actually kinda like it and kept it.

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

I won't lie. This post almost made me pack up my laptop and go to the cafe place. Why? To leave a tl;dr comment. =P So I'm at home typing on my phone with the charger plugged in.

I really can't see the pictures all that well so I'll comment on 'em later.

This was a post that I wasn't expecting from you. It really did surprise me.

Now then. You're still Jai no matter what. It's all about personality.

Zidane: "Who cares about looks? Its whats on in the inside that matters." - Something like that, quote isn't accurate, but its very true ain't it? Just keep on being yourself. <3

Take care at the Uni. =3

*sends hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks Tifa. Sorry for giving you a shock :\ But thank you for being supportive and understanding. It means a lot.

(Icon match!)

[andysquirrel.livejournal.com]

I already knew that from the pic of you on sega europe's flicr :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

There's a pic of me on Sega Europe's Flickr? O.o Wh-where?

[andysquirrel.livejournal.com]

here!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

AHAHA I had no idea anyone even photographed me at SoS except for one where someone asked me to hold up a comic so they could snap it. I had no idea that was there o.o Thanks!

[andysquirrel.livejournal.com]

the secret's out now :P

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I'm just glad to finally see a picture of you. :) I like to put faces to names online.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, there's that, too :) It's always good to actually know what the person you're chatting to looks like, even if appearances aren't all that important. I guess it feels more personal and less faceless?

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

I hope you are no offended in return, but I personally think your face looks rather male..(ignoring the earrings)

I also didn't know you where female until now, but I'm not really bothered.
Don't think you actually stated what your gender was, or denied you where a girl or other such thing.
So technically, it's only the impression you gave off to others.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm not wearing earrings XD;; My ears aren't pierced. But don't worry, no offense taken. I choose not to wear any make-up, which probably makes my face less female, but maybe it's just a weirdly masculine face anyway XD;; I'm also very flat chested, so that helps. Haa... I feel odd now, but I'm glad you're not bothered by my gender :)

[rblake77.livejournal.com]

I'm not bothered, nor do I feel deceived or anything. I figure that even on the Internet people want their privacy, which I'm cool with.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Jai, you liar! :O It was me who failed in gender identification. D:

Nah, I'm kidding. C'mon, what's so trivial about the gender of someone anyway? Jai is Jai, male or female, so don't think you're swaying my views on you that easily, silly woman. :P

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD; The word 'woman' makes me feel very uneasy. Can I be a silly 'person' instead?

Yeah, gender isn't that important, I guess. I just wanna be open with everyone, at least to the degree I'd be with anyone I met 'IRL'.

Thanks for understanding, Jadey :)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

You can be whatever you want, Jai. Silly person it is. :P

Lol, I don't let much deter me when it comes to friends. Something about using the wrong gender pronoun thing isn't exactly something that would piss me off to the extent of something I mentioned in my previous entry. It takes a hell of a lot to tick me off to that extent, so, really, it's no biggie. :)

Jaaaaai, you wouldn't know me well enough if you think I wouldn't understand. I sometimes prefer to identify myself as masculine too, but unlike you, I probably give off a very feminine vibe.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

Your room has Sonic stuff everywhere. haha!

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know a lot of people who do not identify as the gender they were born with.

*hugs* I know this was really hard for you.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't think you give off a particularly 'feminine' vibe. You give off a 'Jade' vibe, and that's all :) I only identify you as female because you've always been open about your gender and I've had no reason to question it, but if you had given a male/neutral name and used male pronouns, I probably wouldn't have questioned it either XD

I think very few people act uber-feminine or uber-masculine, especially online. Gender boundaries are much more blurred these days anyway ^^;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeeeah, my room is a disaster zone piled high with Sonic junk ^^;;

Thanks ::Hugs:: It was scary to make the post, but the understanding and supportiveness of the replies has made it very much worth it :)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Woo, Jade vibe! XD

You have a very gender neutral real name, I believe. So, I guess that's kind of cool in some respects. :)

Also, yeah, I can agree. Uber-feminine and uber-masculine people get right on my nerves though. I roll my eyes at girls who are all "OMG, I BROKE MY NAIL!" and put lots of make-up on until their face is just a maze of make-up (well, not that drastic... but you know what I mean). I'm like you, I don't really wear make-up.

The gender stereotypes should technically be hit on the head nowadays, because there's a heck of a lot of people, from both male and female genders, that completely break away from that stereotype.

game