~Rock me, Amadeus!~

[flyboy_fox]

Eh-heh... ^^; I think I worried a few people with my last post. Oops. I'm sorry... I really wasn't trying to be 'deep' or 'profound', and I wasn't trying to be 'artistic' either... sorry if I seemed angsty. I'm not, really, and I wasn't. Sometimes I just get thinking about things, and I just wanted to express those thoughts. Maybe I can do it better now.

Sometimes I do feel small and insignificant, especially when I think about the world, and then the universe, and then universes beyond that. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, isn't it? I think about how much there is out there, and how little we know about all of it. And then I feel a little sad, because I think about how much I'd love to know, and how little I'll ever be able to know in this one lifetime. There's so much I want to learn! Languages, facts, experiences... so much I want to do! But I know that even if I could devote my whole life to learning, by the time I died I'd still know so little of what there is to know. There's a saying... I forget who coined it, but he said "The wisest man knows that he knows nothing at all." Now, I don't think I'm particularly wise, but I do understand deeply how ignorant I am. I know so LITTLE.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Life is so short, and I'm so afraid of wasting it on something unfulfilling. Something that doesn't push me enough... something that traps me in an eternal monotony where I won't be able to grow anymore as a person. I want to do so many things! But I end up doing nothing at all, because I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to do great things. I don't know why I should feel that way. What does 'great things' even mean? I don't know why I'm so scared of having no legacy. I don't care about people knowing me. I don't care for fame or even fortune. I guess I just feel like I could do so much, and one lifetime just isn't enough... and every year I waste is another year gone, and another year to add to my failures.

I am so damn small.

But it's funny... I thought everyone felt this way, because how could they not? And then I talked to Jei. I hope she won't mind me posting a small part of our conversation. Here.


Flyboy Tails (11:55:04 AM): doesn't everyone feel insignificant when they think about how huge the universe is and how little they'll ever know even about themselves and their immediate world?
Sonic Bluestreak (11:56:29 AM): I guess a lot of people do, yeah...
Flyboy Tails (11:58:42 AM): don't you ever...?
Sonic Bluestreak (12:04:04 PM): I dunno... I know I'm small compared to the universe... but I guess I'm content with that... I know we can never know everything... but that we can still learn a lot... I dunno... n.n; and even though we may not be important in the universe, we're important in the role we play in our life, and to the people we care about... even if the universe doesn't give a damn.
Flyboy Tails (12:05:50 PM): so you don't ever feel tiny and insignificant, like a single speck of sand on an infinite shore...?
Sonic Bluestreak (12:09:51 PM): I know logically we're all single specks compared to the universe, but I don't let it make me feel insignificant... because I don't think any of us are, cuz we matter to each other. Even the tiniest plankton has a purpose and significance, even if it can't see it. n.n;; it's like... what do I care what some high powered business executive might think about a doodle I posted? I know someone very important to me cares, and that's all I need to feel significant. n.n

See, this is why I admire and respect Jei so much, and I wish I was like her! She's so good at putting things into perspective. She's a lot more sensible and smart than I am, in a lot of ways. She doesn't drown in her thoughts the way I do. She accepts things that just 'are', and doesn't poke them to death like me. I wish I had her attitude about life. Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about life that I just forget to live. (I know I'm too introspective, and this post just proves it.)

I'm scared. I don't know why. I'm only 22, and already fear my own mortality. Sometimes I feel that everything in my head will drive me crazy and I'll end up in a psych ward. How can I live life without being terrified of it? How can I forgive myself for all my past mistakes and failures so I can move on? How do I just live, without expecting some sort of special 'destiny' to present itself?

Someone needs to just slap me and tell me to get a grip. Please.

Comments

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That 98% cheerful and optimistic front is easy enough to keep up online. No one here sees the real me, who fails at life daily :\ But that's gotta change. I've gotta change.

Thanks for the poem. I like it; a bit sappy, sure, but a good message right there ^^

[sphix.livejournal.com]

I dunno, Jei sees the real you, and I severely doubt she thinks you fail at life daily. Honestly? If you were failing at life, you wouldn't be thinking about philosophical topics such as this, taking college courses, and otherwise doing something with your life. Give yourself credit where credit is deserved, Jaister! :D

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

"Jaister"? *Grin*

Well, we'll see if I get through this college year and into University. THEN maybe I can be proud of myself at least a little ^_^

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Now, that's one thing I KNOW you won't have any trouble accomplishing! College'll be a cakewalk for ya, and you know it, too! But be sure to be proud of the things you do from day to day, too. Life's not all major accomplishments, after all, so be proud of the mundane! XD

And yeah, you like that nickname? Thought it up all by myself, I did... *Dramatic pose* Yup. ^_^