~Rock me, Amadeus!~

[flyboy_fox]

Eh-heh... ^^; I think I worried a few people with my last post. Oops. I'm sorry... I really wasn't trying to be 'deep' or 'profound', and I wasn't trying to be 'artistic' either... sorry if I seemed angsty. I'm not, really, and I wasn't. Sometimes I just get thinking about things, and I just wanted to express those thoughts. Maybe I can do it better now.

Sometimes I do feel small and insignificant, especially when I think about the world, and then the universe, and then universes beyond that. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, isn't it? I think about how much there is out there, and how little we know about all of it. And then I feel a little sad, because I think about how much I'd love to know, and how little I'll ever be able to know in this one lifetime. There's so much I want to learn! Languages, facts, experiences... so much I want to do! But I know that even if I could devote my whole life to learning, by the time I died I'd still know so little of what there is to know. There's a saying... I forget who coined it, but he said "The wisest man knows that he knows nothing at all." Now, I don't think I'm particularly wise, but I do understand deeply how ignorant I am. I know so LITTLE.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Life is so short, and I'm so afraid of wasting it on something unfulfilling. Something that doesn't push me enough... something that traps me in an eternal monotony where I won't be able to grow anymore as a person. I want to do so many things! But I end up doing nothing at all, because I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to do great things. I don't know why I should feel that way. What does 'great things' even mean? I don't know why I'm so scared of having no legacy. I don't care about people knowing me. I don't care for fame or even fortune. I guess I just feel like I could do so much, and one lifetime just isn't enough... and every year I waste is another year gone, and another year to add to my failures.

I am so damn small.

But it's funny... I thought everyone felt this way, because how could they not? And then I talked to Jei. I hope she won't mind me posting a small part of our conversation. Here.


Flyboy Tails (11:55:04 AM): doesn't everyone feel insignificant when they think about how huge the universe is and how little they'll ever know even about themselves and their immediate world?
Sonic Bluestreak (11:56:29 AM): I guess a lot of people do, yeah...
Flyboy Tails (11:58:42 AM): don't you ever...?
Sonic Bluestreak (12:04:04 PM): I dunno... I know I'm small compared to the universe... but I guess I'm content with that... I know we can never know everything... but that we can still learn a lot... I dunno... n.n; and even though we may not be important in the universe, we're important in the role we play in our life, and to the people we care about... even if the universe doesn't give a damn.
Flyboy Tails (12:05:50 PM): so you don't ever feel tiny and insignificant, like a single speck of sand on an infinite shore...?
Sonic Bluestreak (12:09:51 PM): I know logically we're all single specks compared to the universe, but I don't let it make me feel insignificant... because I don't think any of us are, cuz we matter to each other. Even the tiniest plankton has a purpose and significance, even if it can't see it. n.n;; it's like... what do I care what some high powered business executive might think about a doodle I posted? I know someone very important to me cares, and that's all I need to feel significant. n.n

See, this is why I admire and respect Jei so much, and I wish I was like her! She's so good at putting things into perspective. She's a lot more sensible and smart than I am, in a lot of ways. She doesn't drown in her thoughts the way I do. She accepts things that just 'are', and doesn't poke them to death like me. I wish I had her attitude about life. Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about life that I just forget to live. (I know I'm too introspective, and this post just proves it.)

I'm scared. I don't know why. I'm only 22, and already fear my own mortality. Sometimes I feel that everything in my head will drive me crazy and I'll end up in a psych ward. How can I live life without being terrified of it? How can I forgive myself for all my past mistakes and failures so I can move on? How do I just live, without expecting some sort of special 'destiny' to present itself?

Someone needs to just slap me and tell me to get a grip. Please.

Comments

[sullmaster.livejournal.com]

Jei's right though, maybe you and I are both unsure of our exact roles on the earth but that's the beauty of it. We're all human, all capable of trying to learn and grow and develop from human flaws and mistakes. Because if we were all perfect, how would life be then enjoyable? Rather, why not be more carefree about what limits there may appear and just live out each moment as if it were significant. We each have our own talents and abilities to manifest, in one way or another. Hmm, that song from the Lion King comes into play here now doesn't it? :P

Now I can see why you see her as Sonic more than I had before ^^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>Now I can see why you see her as Sonic more than I had before ^^

::Nods:: She keeps me sane.

Heh... The Lion King. Awesome musical; one of my absolute favorites. I would love to be more carefree. Is that something one can learn, though?

(Sorry, made a mistake on the first attempt to reply ^^;)

[sullmaster.livejournal.com]

Absolutely, you just need to learn to develop the mindset that despite what may or may not happen, I'm going to just enjoy it as much as possible. Because if you start overworrying about what could happen, you'll end up avoiding things you wish you could've done. I think it's because Jai you still need to build up your self-esteem and confidence, then that carefree attitude will come along with it as a result. It's not easy, but it's definitely possible of achieving. We are all in the process of trying to build it up and become mentally stronger people

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

Jaime::Gives Koji a Grip and Go(TM) milk.:: Mr. Koji, Mr. Koji, Mr. Koji. Have not your fandoms taught you anything? It doesn't matter how tall a character IS; It's how much character one HAS. ^o.__.o^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess you're right, heh n.n;; I dunno how much 'character' I have, though :P But-- Ooo, milk! ^__^

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

We are all but human beings at the end of the day. A lot of us wonder about WHY exactly we are put upon this earth, what it is that we could achieve, and more importantly, the thing I often wonder, what can I myself bring to this world that no-one else can?

I go through phases where I often feel small and insignificant, and feel like I couldn't do anything to help anyone. In fact, I tend to feel that way a lot. My self-esteem has been battered over the years, and whatever is left of it I can only express to my friends.

And good old Jei, you have her, which is just far more than I have in life...

Gah, sorry, I'm feeling slightly angsty again. ;_;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Hugs:: I guess maybe it's just 'that time of year' for feeling angsty... especially being a person prone to anxiety and low self-esteem, which we both seem to be.

And yes, I know how lucky I am to have Jei ^^ Although, I do wish she wasn't 5,000 miles away.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

I think it's mainly to do with Valentine's Day coming up soon. February 14th does kinda depress me, because everyone I knew would always brag about them getting lots of cards... and within all of the 16 I have lived through (the 17th coming in under two weeks), I have never even had an expression of care. The Valentinr has sorta lifted up my spirits a bit though, as at least I suppose I can have warm friendly messages from friends.

Only this year, I've decided to stop thinking of Valentine's Day as a time for lovers to love each other. Because, as far as I can see, friends do sort of "love" you as well, but not in a romantic way.

Bah... really off-topic there. x_X;;

[sphix.livejournal.com]

All right, Jai, I looked long and hard for this, and found it in one of my mom's obscure file cabinets. It's Christmas-y and sappy, but I think the message stays with it...

-----

There once was a shining Christmas tree
Standing out where all could see.
Its brilliance captured every eye
And seemed to cheer each passer-by.

"The lights are so bright", they would say
And hesitate to walk away.
The tree stood proud ablaze with light
For every light was burning bright.

Then one bulb was heard to say
"I'm tired of burning night and day;
I think I'll just go out and rest
For I'm too tired to do my best;
Besides, I am so very small
I doubt if I'd be missed at all."

Then a child lovingly touched the light
"Look, mother, this one shines so very bright.
I think of all the lights upon the tree
This one looks the best to me."

"Oh my goodness," said the light
"I almost dimmed right out of sight.
I thought perhaps no one would care
If I failed to shine my share."
With that a glorious brilliance came
For every light had felt the same.

-----

Yeah, like I said, sappy and Christmas-y, but I still like the message behind it. Keep in mind what I said in the last post, Jai: Each life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, changes every single life they come in contact with. It's up to that life to decide if the influence they have on others is positive or negative.

And I think you know which way you influence people's lives, Jai. You don't have a problem being cheerful and optimistic 98% of the time, which is what so many people have trouble with today. But since you have that attitude towards life, it's no problem to keep on climbing up. We're all here with you, Jai. And you're not insignificant to us. ^_^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That 98% cheerful and optimistic front is easy enough to keep up online. No one here sees the real me, who fails at life daily :\ But that's gotta change. I've gotta change.

Thanks for the poem. I like it; a bit sappy, sure, but a good message right there ^^

[sphix.livejournal.com]

I dunno, Jei sees the real you, and I severely doubt she thinks you fail at life daily. Honestly? If you were failing at life, you wouldn't be thinking about philosophical topics such as this, taking college courses, and otherwise doing something with your life. Give yourself credit where credit is deserved, Jaister! :D

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

"Jaister"? *Grin*

Well, we'll see if I get through this college year and into University. THEN maybe I can be proud of myself at least a little ^_^

[djtifabal.livejournal.com]

Jei?
what do I care what some high powered business executive might think about a doodle I posted? I know someone very important to me cares, and that's all I need to feel significant. n.n
Word. xD I agree with this completely.

Jai... don't worry so much about what's out there, you have to take what's in front of you. Take that and follow it and maybe you'll find your path.

"Great things" can mean anything. From something small to something huge. Like a charity (something huge) or just being a friend to someone who you care about (something small) for instance.

I'm scared to, but I know that in my heart I want to do something with my writing. *nod nod* We all have a purpose on this earth, but for some it'll take years for them to find it.

Don't give up, Jai. We're all here for you.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Nods:: I know... I worry far too much about the big things, and I forget about just the simple things which are often equally important, or even more important ^^;

And I worry too much about worrying @_@ I just spaz too easily XD; Ah well... I'll get a grip. I've gotta.

If other people can get through life without angsting themselves to death, so can I ^^;

[shaboba330.livejournal.com]

*slap* GET A GRIP!! XD

Well... you asked xP *huggles*

[brianisapickle.livejournal.com]

I feel much the same as you. I have always been fascinated by the universe and such, and I often find my self thinking how insignificant I, as well as the whole human race is, In the big scheme of things.

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

Everything you've said has gone through all of my friends' mind, as well as my own. Not going into what Jei said yet, I think you're correct. Everyone has tons of times when they look around and realize just how small they are. In fact, I know several people that are complete workaholics, and if you ask them why they work so hard or are always busy they'll say something like: By keeping busy I don't start asking myself philosophical questions. Ok, it never really sounds like that, but that's what it comes down to. A lot of people are scared of being overly bored because they start questioning...and wondering...and one of those thoughts that comes up is this one. I don't even want to imagine how small we are. The book I read last semster, which asummed the Big Bang theory, described in detail the process by which stars formed...galaxies...planets...nebulae, all the way down to the possible formation of life itself. It includes a time frame to give you a sense, and really, if that theory is correct and all, the exsitance of humans has so far been much, much less than the blink of an eye would be in our lifespan.

We start thinking about that, and we often stop thinking about living so much as we think of not being able to live. There are so many people out there that are fascinated by so many different things - look around at people who often start something, or say they're going to start something, but then never get around to it. There's just so much stuff out there that's interesting, I'd love to learn all I could. I can tell you would too. However, that sonofabitch time is the limiting factor, so even though I'd love to learn the architecture of roller coaster design or the philosophies behind Hinduism (Yay random textbook pictures :P), I sincerely doubt I ever will.

That's sad, but unfortunately we all have to accept it and move on. I'm glad that you know that we, as a species, know so little about what's actually out there. It's a double edged sword, in a manner of speaking. More of an oxymoron, actually. Looking around at universities, talking to professors...I've learned that the human race has such an extraordinary chunk of knowledge incorporated into its being. Everyday we seem to uncover something that we didn't know before - did you know that the normal physics we use in ordinary life don't work at all at an atomic level? To actually use my professor's example, if you throw a ball at a wall with a low enough velocity, the ball will hit the walland bounce off, right? If you replace the ball with an electron and you do that exact same thing...will it bounce back? Normal physics says yes, but it doesn't! That's where quantum mechanics came into being, apparently (Sorry, I just learned these things ^^;). I'm just saying...there's so much knowledge, but we find out new things day in and day out that shatter what we used to know. I can't imagine how I'd feel if someone tried to explain science to me in 200 years...I probably wouldn't know what any of it meant.

(Continued)

[lunarocean777.livejournal.com]

It just goes to show us, though, how little we do know. How much there actually is to know. Is there a limit? pending survival, will we ever find out everything there is to know that's expressable in factual thought? We think we're smart, but we don't know everything by a longshot. A more important question - do we want to know all that?

Bah, sorry, I went into one of those weird philosopical circular one question to another thing x.x We've all got those feelings of insignifigance overall.

But Jei hit the head on the nail. If we don't know everything, if we won't live forever, so what? It's exactly as she says - as we find people we care about, their actions are important to us and vice versa. They are quite often the things that give meaning to our lives. We may not make a difference in the universe any more than a random piece of dust in our room that just gets vacuumed us - we'd probably have less an of effect overall, if you're direct about it. But if that speck of dust blows next to another one, maybe the two of them won't be lonely anymore, and hey can continue to fly around together. Yes, it's cheesy as hell, I know :P Regardless, as long as there are people that make us happy, or that we want to be happy, we're not so insignificant. Not to mention, the more that people care like that, the more it becomes a chain reaction, which supports everything about the race, and we know there's strength in numbers - enough to make an impact on the entire universe as a collective whole.

Besides, there's always the butteryfly effect :P

Sometimes, we're all scared of picking a direction. You know how I am - I don't think I should have picked engineering and now I'm pretty much stuck there, but that's just how things are going to be. It's just like lots of people say. We can sit around and think of choices forever and the possible circumstances, but until we make one we really don't know what they're going to yield. We don't know what the future holds, regardless of our options. We don't know what our past mistakes will lead us to. We don't even know how to move on most of the time. And not knowing? That's one of the best things there is. There's nothing quite like fulfilling your curiosity.

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Now, that's one thing I KNOW you won't have any trouble accomplishing! College'll be a cakewalk for ya, and you know it, too! But be sure to be proud of the things you do from day to day, too. Life's not all major accomplishments, after all, so be proud of the mundane! XD

And yeah, you like that nickname? Thought it up all by myself, I did... *Dramatic pose* Yup. ^_^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks... ^^;;; ::Hugs::

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Nods:: I guess a lotta people think about that kinda stuff every now and then...

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You really should write a book or something, Lunar ^_^

But yeah, all of that is true. I think maybe I'd be a happier more well-adjusted person if I had a job or something and less time left to just... think about stuff, y'know?

Wow, science in 200 years time... now I'm gonna be thinking about that! Damn you :P

Ehh... in the end, I've just gotta make a decision and stick with it. I don't have enough time in my lifetime to do everything, but I DO have enough time to do at least a few things well ^_^

[shaboba330.livejournal.com]

lol you're welcome xD

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

Hell, I'm still nothing but a little girl. And you know what? It scares the living bejeebers out of me. ><; I know that I want to write, but... what if I can't make it doing that? Or worse, what if I find someday that the whole writing this isn't even what I want to do with my life?
And when that stuff starts popping up, you have to step back for a second and say "You know what? I'm going to try this one thing (whatever it is), and I'm going to do my best and make something of it." That way... even if it's not what you want to do with your life... it's not like you wasted your time. You really did something, and you put your best into it. And that's a great thing. ^^

And about the being scared thing? I understand what you're saying, but it's impossible to live your life that way. See, in my way of thinking, you go with what feels right. My mom was an artist, then an archeologist, then a mother, now a props person... It never stops! She does something new every chance she gets, always something that she enjoys and feels fulfilled by. Before anything else I wanted to be a trainer at Sea World. *EMBARASSMENT* ...Anyway. It wasn't until recently that I realized that... I could do so much more through writing. And that was a big turnaround for me. Am I scared because I wasted 11 years of my life wanting to train whales? Absolutely not, because it was something that I loved. You have to find what you love, Jai. And don't be afraid to go with it. Especially not when you have such awesome people around, like your Mom and Jei. ^^

Lastly? *lightly smacks you*
...Now, go out and get 'em! You go own that world! :D *hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Chasey.

Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way. But you're right, it's not possible to live if you're terrified of the future the whole time. I keep feeling like I've missed all my chances already and that it's too late for me... but I'm only 22, I still have plenty of time, right? I've just gotta choose something and stick with it.

Heh, thanks ^^ ::Hugs::

[psychicninja.livejournal.com]

^^;

At 22, yes, you SO have plenty of time. And there's no way you could have missed all of your chances by now. There's absolutely no way. My mom is over twice your age, Jai, and she's still finding things do with her life.
Also, don't feel like you "ZOMG HAVE TO PICK NOW" or anything. I guess my best advice would be to take on something that you love, see how you could incorperate it into your life. See how it works. But don't rush. I know you Jai, you leap on opportunities. When something comes up, you'll reach for it. ^_^

And you're welcome. Sorry. *heals slappage with my uber psychic power :P*

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

Sorry I never commented sooner ;___; Never checked my Friends list on LJ yesterday

But I sometimes feel the same way, but what other comments have already said already sums up everything, heck, even on Doctor Who the Doctor says near the end of The Satan Pit "The day I know everything, might as well stop!" okay sure he's a fictional character but it's still a good point, even those who live forever (though no one ever does, but you get my point) never know everything, and I wouldn't want to anyway. I personally like the mysteries, and hoping that in a future life if there is one I may get to see just a handful of those answers, I don't wanna know it all in one go

Sorry, I rambled, I'll shut up now ^^;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You know, that's one of the wisest things I've ever heard you say ^_^ You're right, there's absolutely no need to know everything. And the beauty of the universe is in its mystery ^^

Also, Doctor Who references for the win! :)

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

Me, wise??? Are you seeing the right person here? XD

But on a more serious note, I just hope you're not feeling so as you say, small or insignificant anymore, from my comments and everyone else's on this entry

And yes, Doctor Who references ARE for the win :):):)