Yeah yeah... :P

[flyboy_fox]

You know? All that stuff in my last angst-dump post... while it may be partially true, I think I know what actually upset me most. Getting that card from my brother and dad. It made me wish so much that I had a better relationship with both of them. Things just... went wrong from day one, before I was even born. This family was destined to split down the middle. I wish it could have been different. I would LOVE to have a proper father-to-kid relationship with my dad. I want a dad in my life. It hurts that I've never had that, and that my dad never made any effort. Even now, he's doing (or not doing) all the same things he's always done. And I'll bet he thinks sending me a card makes it all better. I wish it could. But it can't excuse his actions over 20+ years. I wish I had a better relationship with my brother too. I wish we weren't so dynamically different that things blew up so drastically when we were forced to be together for even five minutes. I wish I hadn't had to call the police one time because I was so scared of his wrath. I wish he were in with a better crowd. I don't believe he's evil, just misguided. Like me, in a different way, too stubborn to change his ways. I wish me and my mom hadn't had to move 150 miles away to put distance between me and her, and my brother and my dad. But we couldn't live together. We tried. So many times we tried and tried again. There were times when I was younger when my mom almost considered putting me or my brother into care because of how horrible life was when we all lived together. And my dad was never there, and when he was, he just made things worse. We fought so much. Things got smashed, broken, ripped up... we all got scratched bitten and bruised. We were just like one huge nuclear chemical reaction. We couldn't live together; we would have either killed each other... or ourselves. But I regret it so much. I wanted a family. At one time, I envied Jei so much because she has parents who got along and a sister who was also a friend to her... I've got over that childish jealousy, but I still wish my family could be more like that. If wishes were bi-planes (or Arwings, rawr!), Jai-ji would fly...

Helios suggested to me that if I'm lonely, a good thing to do would be to set up a post with screened replies where I could swap postal addresses with those of you who'd be happy to do that, so we can send each other cards and stuff at Christmas, birthdays, etc. And maybe just to write. To be honest... I've probably lost the few addresses I have of some of you guys (Lunar, Sully...), so it would be nice to get those again soon. I might set up a post like that in a week or so. I don't want to do it right now because I don't want anyone to feel pressured to send me belated birthdays cards or anything ^^; I'm not fishing for stuff. I'd just like to have a physical address for you guys so we can exchange physical letters and cards and stuff ^^ So... yeah... if anyone's interested, I'll set that up at some point.

Well, thanks for hearing me out. Byeee.

Comments

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

I don't know my address. ^^; Or my phone number.
-has really bad memory-
I don't even know my full name!

And I'd have to ask dad for my address which... isn't fun.

But y'can always IM me if you've got MSN or Y!M (lamees_hassan on Y!M. ^^)

-glomps-

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, don't worry about it, Lamees ^^ No pressure.