Anxiety mode D:
Feb. 11th, 2011 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyboy_foxNote: Wah wah wah warning :P
I'm really kind of... not having a great time of it, lately. Winter Depression has evolved into its yearly Winter Depression and Panic Attacks mode. Nightmares, waking up in the grips of an anxiety attack, constant nausea and dizziness and choking feeling, hours spent curled up on the bathroom floor trying to sip at a bottle of water in a feeble attempt to calm down, bursting into tears for no damn reason beyond a sudden feeling of immense sadness... fuck, it's not nice. The really wicked thing about an anxiety problem is how hard it is to explain or describe to anyone else how it feels. It will always sound like you are exaggerating, because that's what panic attacks ARE - the mind's exaggeration of actually perfectly benign safe circumstances. If I say I feel like I'm dying, I know logically that I'm not dying, and I can tell myself over and over that I've felt this bad before and nothing terrible happened... but at the time it makes no difference. I'll be standing gripping the edge of the sink with white knuckles, absolutely certain that I'm going to either faint or throw up... and inevitably neither happens, and after a long while I can finally sink into a sitting position and gradually my heart will stop pounding and I can crawl into the living room and curl on the couch with a hot water bottle and a peppermint tea. Then I'll be all right, for a while at least, until the panic or sadness comes back for no reason at all. Endless, daily, relentless, for days and weeks on end.
As has been the norm this week, I woke up at 7:45 this morning after only 4 hours' sleep, shaking and feeling like I couldn't breathe properly, room spinning if I tried to close my eyes. It took a while but eventually I felt okay. As long as it's light outside, I probably won't get that bad again... but as soon as the sun starts to set, I'll start to feel panicky and choked up and sick once more, like clockwork. The messed up thing is that although I know the baseline susceptibility lies in my winter depression which has a real chemical cause, the extent of the symptoms is almost entirely psychological. It's all in my head, and I wish I could use that knowledge to make it stop. I'm just so tired.
But there's comfort in the knowledge that the days are getting longer and that it won't be like this forever. February is always the worst month. March will be a slow but steady lifting up, and by April I should be well on the way to feeling fine and healthy again. The days this week have just been endlessly grey, rainy and miserable, which just feels so oppressive. One shouldn't need to have the indoor lights on at 1pm! The weekend is supposed to be sunnier, however (: I look forward to that. It'd be great if I could go for a walk or something. Yay for exercise endorphins! And of course Jei is being amazing. She has to deal with this from me every single year without fail. One year, some years ago, I fell into such a blank state of depression that I convinced myself I wasn't in love with her any more. I told her it, because I felt at the time it was true. Of course it was just the fact that I was completely numb to EVERYTHING, and as soon as I started to feel better, I realized what an awful mistake I had made. I still feel so much guilt over that winter, and I'm amazed that Jei continued to stand by me after that. I love her so much.
Well, that's about it for now, I guess. In the meanwhile, if anyone has any knowledge or tips on dealing with panic attacks and constant feelings of lowness and 'unwell'ness, please share them. I'll be fine, anyhow. As with the nature of this thing, it sounds (and feels) much worse than it actually is. I'll try to make my next post less whiny ♥ I hate when I have nothing to write about except for how crappy I've been feeling. I have a shit-ton to be thankful for and I haven't forgotten that. The darkest hour is before dawn and all that, right? ^^ So, enough pity-party. Gonna go have lunch and try to do something a bit more proactive.
I'm really kind of... not having a great time of it, lately. Winter Depression has evolved into its yearly Winter Depression and Panic Attacks mode. Nightmares, waking up in the grips of an anxiety attack, constant nausea and dizziness and choking feeling, hours spent curled up on the bathroom floor trying to sip at a bottle of water in a feeble attempt to calm down, bursting into tears for no damn reason beyond a sudden feeling of immense sadness... fuck, it's not nice. The really wicked thing about an anxiety problem is how hard it is to explain or describe to anyone else how it feels. It will always sound like you are exaggerating, because that's what panic attacks ARE - the mind's exaggeration of actually perfectly benign safe circumstances. If I say I feel like I'm dying, I know logically that I'm not dying, and I can tell myself over and over that I've felt this bad before and nothing terrible happened... but at the time it makes no difference. I'll be standing gripping the edge of the sink with white knuckles, absolutely certain that I'm going to either faint or throw up... and inevitably neither happens, and after a long while I can finally sink into a sitting position and gradually my heart will stop pounding and I can crawl into the living room and curl on the couch with a hot water bottle and a peppermint tea. Then I'll be all right, for a while at least, until the panic or sadness comes back for no reason at all. Endless, daily, relentless, for days and weeks on end.
As has been the norm this week, I woke up at 7:45 this morning after only 4 hours' sleep, shaking and feeling like I couldn't breathe properly, room spinning if I tried to close my eyes. It took a while but eventually I felt okay. As long as it's light outside, I probably won't get that bad again... but as soon as the sun starts to set, I'll start to feel panicky and choked up and sick once more, like clockwork. The messed up thing is that although I know the baseline susceptibility lies in my winter depression which has a real chemical cause, the extent of the symptoms is almost entirely psychological. It's all in my head, and I wish I could use that knowledge to make it stop. I'm just so tired.
But there's comfort in the knowledge that the days are getting longer and that it won't be like this forever. February is always the worst month. March will be a slow but steady lifting up, and by April I should be well on the way to feeling fine and healthy again. The days this week have just been endlessly grey, rainy and miserable, which just feels so oppressive. One shouldn't need to have the indoor lights on at 1pm! The weekend is supposed to be sunnier, however (: I look forward to that. It'd be great if I could go for a walk or something. Yay for exercise endorphins! And of course Jei is being amazing. She has to deal with this from me every single year without fail. One year, some years ago, I fell into such a blank state of depression that I convinced myself I wasn't in love with her any more. I told her it, because I felt at the time it was true. Of course it was just the fact that I was completely numb to EVERYTHING, and as soon as I started to feel better, I realized what an awful mistake I had made. I still feel so much guilt over that winter, and I'm amazed that Jei continued to stand by me after that. I love her so much.
Well, that's about it for now, I guess. In the meanwhile, if anyone has any knowledge or tips on dealing with panic attacks and constant feelings of lowness and 'unwell'ness, please share them. I'll be fine, anyhow. As with the nature of this thing, it sounds (and feels) much worse than it actually is. I'll try to make my next post less whiny ♥ I hate when I have nothing to write about except for how crappy I've been feeling. I have a shit-ton to be thankful for and I haven't forgotten that. The darkest hour is before dawn and all that, right? ^^ So, enough pity-party. Gonna go have lunch and try to do something a bit more proactive.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 08:20 pm (UTC)I understand how it feels: that teetering on the edge of pure panic, wanting to claw your way out of your body just to try to find safety. It's dark, scary, and way overblown to anyone that listens. But it's real enough on the inside.
I had to go on some meds and get therapy for nine months and a year respectively (and concurrently so it was a year total) to fix the chemicals in my head, and then learn to deal with my anxiety-prone nature in the future so that I wouldn't let it get back to that way ever again.
I know your situation is different, but though it might make you feel better to know there are others who have felt this way, and so therefore believe you when you talk about it. It's tough, but I'm sure you can get through it. There's always that brighter side, you just have to get there! :)
no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 09:04 pm (UTC)As far as 'meds' go, I was on anti-depressants for a few years until last year, although I haven't taken anything specifically for the anxiety except sleeping pills that were also prescribed. I stupidly wound up taking an overdose a couple of years ago, more out of panic than depression... and then I decided last year that I just didn't want to be on medication, since it wasn't really helping.
Therapy IS an option though, although the wait lists are so long on the NHS and I can't afford to go private. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk to my doctor about how bad the wait actually is.
It does help to know that someone else has been through a similar time and pulled through (: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-12 01:13 pm (UTC)My mum really isn't in a financial position to help me right now - she shouldn't really even be helping me with rent but she does, so I can't ask her for more. But hopefully something affordable is out there.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 11:28 pm (UTC)