Feb. 11th, 2011

flyboy_fox: (Why me? e.x)
Note: Wah wah wah warning :P

I'm really kind of... not having a great time of it, lately. Winter Depression has evolved into its yearly Winter Depression and Panic Attacks mode. Nightmares, waking up in the grips of an anxiety attack, constant nausea and dizziness and choking feeling, hours spent curled up on the bathroom floor trying to sip at a bottle of water in a feeble attempt to calm down, bursting into tears for no damn reason beyond a sudden feeling of immense sadness... fuck, it's not nice. The really wicked thing about an anxiety problem is how hard it is to explain or describe to anyone else how it feels. It will always sound like you are exaggerating, because that's what panic attacks ARE - the mind's exaggeration of actually perfectly benign safe circumstances. If I say I feel like I'm dying, I know logically that I'm not dying, and I can tell myself over and over that I've felt this bad before and nothing terrible happened... but at the time it makes no difference. I'll be standing gripping the edge of the sink with white knuckles, absolutely certain that I'm going to either faint or throw up... and inevitably neither happens, and after a long while I can finally sink into a sitting position and gradually my heart will stop pounding and I can crawl into the living room and curl on the couch with a hot water bottle and a peppermint tea. Then I'll be all right, for a while at least, until the panic or sadness comes back for no reason at all. Endless, daily, relentless, for days and weeks on end.

As has been the norm this week, I woke up at 7:45 this morning after only 4 hours' sleep, shaking and feeling like I couldn't breathe properly, room spinning if I tried to close my eyes. It took a while but eventually I felt okay. As long as it's light outside, I probably won't get that bad again... but as soon as the sun starts to set, I'll start to feel panicky and choked up and sick once more, like clockwork. The messed up thing is that although I know the baseline susceptibility lies in my winter depression which has a real chemical cause, the extent of the symptoms is almost entirely psychological. It's all in my head, and I wish I could use that knowledge to make it stop. I'm just so tired.

But there's comfort in the knowledge that the days are getting longer and that it won't be like this forever. February is always the worst month. March will be a slow but steady lifting up, and by April I should be well on the way to feeling fine and healthy again. The days this week have just been endlessly grey, rainy and miserable, which just feels so oppressive. One shouldn't need to have the indoor lights on at 1pm! The weekend is supposed to be sunnier, however (: I look forward to that. It'd be great if I could go for a walk or something. Yay for exercise endorphins! And of course Jei is being amazing. She has to deal with this from me every single year without fail. One year, some years ago, I fell into such a blank state of depression that I convinced myself I wasn't in love with her any more. I told her it, because I felt at the time it was true. Of course it was just the fact that I was completely numb to EVERYTHING, and as soon as I started to feel better, I realized what an awful mistake I had made. I still feel so much guilt over that winter, and I'm amazed that Jei continued to stand by me after that. I love her so much.

Well, that's about it for now, I guess. In the meanwhile, if anyone has any knowledge or tips on dealing with panic attacks and constant feelings of lowness and 'unwell'ness, please share them. I'll be fine, anyhow. As with the nature of this thing, it sounds (and feels) much worse than it actually is. I'll try to make my next post less whiny ♥ I hate when I have nothing to write about except for how crappy I've been feeling. I have a shit-ton to be thankful for and I haven't forgotten that. The darkest hour is before dawn and all that, right? ^^ So, enough pity-party. Gonna go have lunch and try to do something a bit more proactive.


flyboy_fox: (Default)

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