One last self-indulgent post

[flyboy_fox]

I think I am going to take a little hiatus for a while. Every LJ post I have typed up over the past few days, I've read over it and thought "I can't post that". I don't need to post a catalogue of the week's events to explain that I am not doing well.

One thing I am sure about, and that Jei has promised to me, is that I can't stay in England another winter. This season is the same for me each and every time. Over the years, winter has been the time when I've: got myself arrested, taken an overdose, cut all my hair off and shaved my eyebrows off, slashed up my face, convinced myself I didn't love Jei any more... etc etc... Next year, come hell or high water, even if it means travelling to southern Spain for the duration, I am not going to be living here. I can't do this again.

Every year this winter depression destroys me, turns all the things I love into ugliness and all the things I am into obsessiveness and despair. Everything that I've learned about myself over the past few months has turned from self-discovering and growth into self-destruction, self-questioning and misery. I am questioning everything I hold dear and I can barely breath above the thick bile of sadness and despair that feels like it's choking my lungs every moment of the day. All I can do is cry and imagine ways to 'make it end'.

It's ridiculous, over dramatic and stupid and the turn of the seasons should not do this to me.

'Cutting' myself has, for the moment, gone beyond a pleasurable exercise and into extremely self-destructive territory. Drinking is an obsession and an addiction. My thoughts are endless, incessant, sometimes demonic and then riddled with guilt and self-loathing. I question everything that I've ever had faith in. I am analysing everything into the ground, putting everything and everyone through the ringer. At times, I am this close to walking into a hospital and telling them everything, in the hope that they'll commit me and drug the hell out of me so that it will all go away and be quiet. I feel like a monster. I feel like I'm insane.

This happens every year without fail, from about late October to around March time. About half of the year. The summer months I am fine. I cannot do this any more. Next year I have to be elsewhere, if I can make it to next year. For now, I need to fall back. I won't be on messengers for a while. I'm too volatile, needy and selfish right now to even attempt normal communication. The smallest of disagreements has me obsessing and crying for hours, and it's nobody's fault but my own. I won't post here, either, unless I have something useful or interesting to say. Using my journal to catalogue my depression and the stupid self-destructive things I have been doing lately would be an exercise in futility, vanity and unwarranted self importance.

One day, when spring finally comes back around, I will be better and I will enjoy life again. I'll remember what all these things meant to me. It will get better, I have to believe that, as hard as that feels right now. I'll hurt people if I end it now just because I'm not strong enough to endure a bit of suffering. I just want the noise out of my head, to not feel like I'm evil and insane any more, to just be quiet, peaceful and at ease. I hate how selfish and introspective and self-obsessed I am when this becomes my world. So with this out of the way, I will try not to write about it or indulge it any more than I have. That is the last word on the matter. And if I do go to the hospital in the end, maybe it will be for the best. Jei shouldn't have to deal with this any more. No one should. No one needs to see this.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

can you get your light box any time soon ?
the link between melatonin and dopamine is establishing and the role of dopamine in depression is established
either smack out the melatonin at night time 1-2 hours before desired sleep time
also make sure u take ur fish liver oil. so amazingly vitally important

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Getting hold of melatonin is near impossible... I'd have to find a way to import it and I doubt I can afford it. They won't prescribe it, it's not clinically approved here as far as I know. I can get the light box in a few weeks... going home on December 14th so that's when I'll have it. Fish liver oil seems to trigger migraines so I'm not really too keen to start taking it again ^^; I think the light box is the best bet right now.

[(Anonymous)]

the vitamin e content of cod liver oil may well be the cause of migraines. it affects blood pressure this can precipitate migraines.
the london migraine clinic is absolutely excellent and whilst they are a charity are request a donation of £200 per appointment, they do not expect this and lots of people go and simply dont pay. do not suffer.

melatonin is available on the NHS by prescription by sleep and SAD specialists. it has been approved by nice.

alternatively, u can buy it quite cheaply over the net. avoid any form of extended release and this besides is only for the over 55's.

the trick with the light box and ambient luminosity is to mimic summer sunlight. the mechanism that coordinates the photoic triggers from the eyes are distinct from the cones and rods - you do not need to look straight into the light, but do have it in front of you.

stay chipper fella

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the update on the melatonin status! It wasn't approved some years ago when I tried to get hold of it. Glad that's changed since.

My migraines (knock on wood) have subsided a lot since my teen years, so I don't think I need to go to the clinic. I had a bad triple-migraine a few weeks ago, but I'm averaging only one every few months right now as opposed to twice a week or more at one time ^^;

I'm hoping the light box will really help a lot... Not sure how long it takes to start to kick in. Anti-depressants tend to take upwards of 6 weeks to start taking effect, so I'm hoping the light box will have a slightly more prompt effect.

[(Anonymous)]

different anon, but melatonin IS approved in the UK, primarily for CRSD - which you could easily bullshit to a doctor.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Really? That's great news (: I tried to get hold of it some years ago, and it wasn't approved at the time. This WAS a while ago though. Thanks for the confirmation!

[(Anonymous)]

only by a specialist unless you're over 55 i'm afraid.
as for the decrease in migraine frequency, i am very pleased.
i used to get cluster headaches and they where controlled by a triptan, ibuprofen, paracetamol, aspirin, codeine all in one go
let me find my triptan, here. its called MaxAlt Melt rizatriptan. comes in a nifty travel box too (:
seroquel was very effective for migraine and also sad, my aspy depression etc but a bit dumbing. mirtazapine is quite amazing
ne way...

[(Anonymous)]

wrong.

a gp can prescribe it.

[(Anonymous)]

also, I just saw where you're mistaken.

circadin is for over55s only, but that is a mix *including* melatonin specifically for /insomnia/, not CRSD, which is not the same thing.

melatonin on its own is available from a gp