One last self-indulgent post

[flyboy_fox]

I think I am going to take a little hiatus for a while. Every LJ post I have typed up over the past few days, I've read over it and thought "I can't post that". I don't need to post a catalogue of the week's events to explain that I am not doing well.

One thing I am sure about, and that Jei has promised to me, is that I can't stay in England another winter. This season is the same for me each and every time. Over the years, winter has been the time when I've: got myself arrested, taken an overdose, cut all my hair off and shaved my eyebrows off, slashed up my face, convinced myself I didn't love Jei any more... etc etc... Next year, come hell or high water, even if it means travelling to southern Spain for the duration, I am not going to be living here. I can't do this again.

Every year this winter depression destroys me, turns all the things I love into ugliness and all the things I am into obsessiveness and despair. Everything that I've learned about myself over the past few months has turned from self-discovering and growth into self-destruction, self-questioning and misery. I am questioning everything I hold dear and I can barely breath above the thick bile of sadness and despair that feels like it's choking my lungs every moment of the day. All I can do is cry and imagine ways to 'make it end'.

It's ridiculous, over dramatic and stupid and the turn of the seasons should not do this to me.

'Cutting' myself has, for the moment, gone beyond a pleasurable exercise and into extremely self-destructive territory. Drinking is an obsession and an addiction. My thoughts are endless, incessant, sometimes demonic and then riddled with guilt and self-loathing. I question everything that I've ever had faith in. I am analysing everything into the ground, putting everything and everyone through the ringer. At times, I am this close to walking into a hospital and telling them everything, in the hope that they'll commit me and drug the hell out of me so that it will all go away and be quiet. I feel like a monster. I feel like I'm insane.

This happens every year without fail, from about late October to around March time. About half of the year. The summer months I am fine. I cannot do this any more. Next year I have to be elsewhere, if I can make it to next year. For now, I need to fall back. I won't be on messengers for a while. I'm too volatile, needy and selfish right now to even attempt normal communication. The smallest of disagreements has me obsessing and crying for hours, and it's nobody's fault but my own. I won't post here, either, unless I have something useful or interesting to say. Using my journal to catalogue my depression and the stupid self-destructive things I have been doing lately would be an exercise in futility, vanity and unwarranted self importance.

One day, when spring finally comes back around, I will be better and I will enjoy life again. I'll remember what all these things meant to me. It will get better, I have to believe that, as hard as that feels right now. I'll hurt people if I end it now just because I'm not strong enough to endure a bit of suffering. I just want the noise out of my head, to not feel like I'm evil and insane any more, to just be quiet, peaceful and at ease. I hate how selfish and introspective and self-obsessed I am when this becomes my world. So with this out of the way, I will try not to write about it or indulge it any more than I have. That is the last word on the matter. And if I do go to the hospital in the end, maybe it will be for the best. Jei shouldn't have to deal with this any more. No one should. No one needs to see this.

Comments

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, I know (: You're a great friend. I'll still be around, reading everyone's posts and stuff. I'll just probably be quiet for a while until I have the juice back to write positive entries again.

*Hug*

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Can't really fault you there. I don't really know too much about SAD, sadly, otherwise I'd probably try and give some useful advice to help. :/

One thing I will say is not to bottle things up, but I'm a bit of a hypocrite saying that as I tend to do it sometimes. Meh. If writing these sorts of entries makes you feel better, go to write one, but don't post it if it's worrying you. My last two entries on my NaBlo challenge have pretty much been me going 'RAEG! ANGST!', so, you know... ^^;;

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Re: SAD, it's bad enough that my aunt, who is a registered nurse, even with meds and sun lamps, has to take winter off from work. :/ So it's bad shit. She doesn't work at ALL during these months.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

How many months does she typically have to take off from work? Do they allow her to work less days/hours during the less bad months (like beginning/end of winter), or does she just take a block/set amount of time out and then return? It would be fortunate to find an employer understanding of it who would be flexible like that. I don't have a job right now, but whenever I have one, I usually can't hold it during the winter months and they won't give that amount of time off, even unpaid.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Couple months, I think. I'd have to ask her. She uses a lamp that works for her.
Can't really use her as an example of how accommodating her employer is, though, because she's the boss where she works.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Ooo, I see. I guess that's one good thing about owning/leading a business or being self-employed. Ideally I'd like to be self-employed (i.e. if/when the business Jei and I have been investing in ever gets off the ground) so that I can be flexible with my time that way. Work hard and energetically over the summer months, then chill out a bit during the worst of winter. 'Though hopefully I'll be somewhere a little sunnier anyway. I also do need to go pick up my light box ASAP, probably in a couple of weeks when I go to see my mum. And my cat! ;_;

[sletia.livejournal.com]

She doesn't run the business, but since she's one of the higher ups I'd imagine she has more sway. Plus RNs are pretty much highly needed so they get a lot of benefits.