Oh boy, fic'kin (i.e. crazy) stuff!
Oct. 22nd, 2010 10:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyboy_foxI've been listening to a lot of Aphex Twin lately. He's incredibly talented and his stuff is just too awesome. "Come To Daddy" has to be the most epic song/video ever. Freaky ass shit, but so awesome.
Ugh, going to bed at 4am and then getting up at 8am... what are you doing to yourself, Jai? :P
Aaanyway, I kinda wanted to talk about myself in this entry. Yet even given that this is my journal, I can't help feeling like that's a selfish thing. I'll stick it under a cut, but I just really want to talk about who and what I am. I think maybe it helps me to figure myself out too. So, uh, usual disclaimer time.
Disclaimer: Under this cut is the usual weirdness. Fic'kin/Otakukin rambling, whack theories, self-analysis, etc. The works. Enjoy my crazy and please don't certify me XD;
I think my main reason for wanting to write this particular post is because I've talked so much recently about other facets to myself (read: Miles) that it's almost like I've forgotten my own identity in the process. I haven't talked about that in a long time, and I suppose it's not something I talk about a lot anyway because it really isn't all that important. But yes, I do still 'believe' that I'm Tails, or at least a version of him. Fic'kin, by definition, hold the belief that they are (or were) a fictional character, either reborn into this life or transferred here somehow.
I could say that I don't talk about my weird belief because of the natural stigma attached to such a crazy and outlandish statement as "Hey, I'm actually Tails from the Sonic the Hedgehog universe! Hi!" >_>; You only have to go as far as that before people are arching a brow and taking a step backwards, and really who can blame them? If I was someone else, I wouldn't believe me either and I'd probably think myself completely arrogant as well as insane. The 'insane' part doesn't bother me too much, but the last thing on Earth that I want people to think of me is that I'm arrogant because of how I feel.
Thing is, I don't feel that I'm specifically THE Tails, the one and only, or even that I'm a specific 'Tails' from any one 'verse (games, Archie, SatAM etc). Gosh, if I had to live up to that I think I would die. I don't feel like I'm the authority on 'Tails' as a character, either. I would never be the type of 'kin who's all "Argh, the media for me is ALL WRONG! THIS is how it actually happened!". That's retarded. The media is the media for the fandom. It's the authority on the characters it portrays. Those ARE the characters, and anything I claim to be is an aside. People are fans of the media, not the 'kin. That's part of why I don't normally parade it about, because as far as I'm concerned, me being Tails is important and relevant really only to myself (and to my Sonic).
Yet I'm blabbing about it here, why? I guess because it IS important to me, even if to no one else. It's still something I deeply identify with and forms a great part of who I am. In the end, it doesn't matter to me if people believe me or not as long as I'm true to myself and not trying to be something that I'm not. That's why I make an effort not to sound like I'm trying too hard to sound like, or act like, Tails. I may be the most OoC Tails ever, but really that's fine, good even. I'm just me, and I'm shaped by far more than one past lifetime, even if I'm also influenced by it. Here, I am a person known as Jai who is the combination of many parts and experiences. That's all.
I'd be lying, of course, if I didn't hope that at least a few people believe/understand me. And I'd be lying if I said that I'm not always hopeful that I'll run into other Sonic'verse 'kin. I've known (and do actually know currently) a few Sonic'verse fic'kin, which is awesome, but they're never from my exact verse. Mostly they relate most to the games, whereas I seem to have a closer affinity to the American media, specifically the cartoons and comic, as well as a fair bit of 'AU'. It would be nice to meet other 'kin from at least a similar 'verse. I'm not the type of 'kin to pine over a past life, but I do miss certain people. Particularly I'd love to meet a Sally, Knuckles, Bunnie or Rotor. Heck, even an Antoine or, gakk, an Amy XD Much as I'm always ripping on her, I feel like Amy and I were good friends. But Sally and Knuckles are the two I feel I was closest to after Sonic.
But it's not like I'll die or live in eternal depression if I don't meet anyone else. I'm lucky enough to have my Sonic here. I think most 'kin aren't so lucky as to have their best friend with them in another life, and even if it took the best part of ten years to accomplish it from opposite sides of the globe (well, different continents anyway), we made it work and live together now (: That in itself is a little miracle.
And then there's Miles. My theory about him is that he's, quite literally, the other half of me. He doesn't like that, of course. I reckon he's the yin to my yang and the dark to my light... but not necessarily the evil to my good, because I don't really believe in linear binary definitions of morality. My gut feeling is that we were once one spirit that got fractured down the middle and split off into two separate lifetimes - Tails and Miles. Somehow we got slapped back together here, but it took me a long time to even recognise my spiritual twin is back x.o;;
Duality has been a major theme all my life. The yin-yang has always held meaning for me and called to me in a strange way. Light in darkness and darkness in light. I think that's important. It's not so simple as black and white or positive and negative. There's a speck of each in the other, binding them and preventing each from being completely one aspect alone. I know that as Tails, I wasn't 100% perfect and good. My moral compass may have been set to 'good', but I was capable of being less than perfectly sweet and innocent. In the same vein, I can't believe that Miles is nothing but pure evil (sorry pal). His moral compass may be flipped and he's certainly far from 'good', but he has his redeemable qualities. It's never so simple as 'good' and 'bad'.
I wasn't sure what he was at first. He scared me; I really thought he was some sort of demon at first from how strongly and suddenly he came on, influencing my thoughts and dreams with a level of darkness and morbidity that I didn't understand and was a little afraid of. Then I went down the whole 'soulbond' route, that he's a completely separate entity that somehow became bound to me from another 'verse. And while that may still technically be accurate, I've come to accept that he's also me, or at least, part of me that splintered off lifetimes ago. So yeah, that's that. I don't know if we'll ever integrate again or if that's even possible (and I'm sure he'd fight it all the way), but this is a start I suppose.
I feel like I have so much more to say, yet I also feel like I'm done. I guess this came to a natural close. Anything more is for another post. Sorry, again, for my crazy :P
Ugh, going to bed at 4am and then getting up at 8am... what are you doing to yourself, Jai? :P
Aaanyway, I kinda wanted to talk about myself in this entry. Yet even given that this is my journal, I can't help feeling like that's a selfish thing. I'll stick it under a cut, but I just really want to talk about who and what I am. I think maybe it helps me to figure myself out too. So, uh, usual disclaimer time.
Disclaimer: Under this cut is the usual weirdness. Fic'kin/Otakukin rambling, whack theories, self-analysis, etc. The works. Enjoy my crazy and please don't certify me XD;
I think my main reason for wanting to write this particular post is because I've talked so much recently about other facets to myself (read: Miles) that it's almost like I've forgotten my own identity in the process. I haven't talked about that in a long time, and I suppose it's not something I talk about a lot anyway because it really isn't all that important. But yes, I do still 'believe' that I'm Tails, or at least a version of him. Fic'kin, by definition, hold the belief that they are (or were) a fictional character, either reborn into this life or transferred here somehow.
I could say that I don't talk about my weird belief because of the natural stigma attached to such a crazy and outlandish statement as "Hey, I'm actually Tails from the Sonic the Hedgehog universe! Hi!" >_>; You only have to go as far as that before people are arching a brow and taking a step backwards, and really who can blame them? If I was someone else, I wouldn't believe me either and I'd probably think myself completely arrogant as well as insane. The 'insane' part doesn't bother me too much, but the last thing on Earth that I want people to think of me is that I'm arrogant because of how I feel.
Thing is, I don't feel that I'm specifically THE Tails, the one and only, or even that I'm a specific 'Tails' from any one 'verse (games, Archie, SatAM etc). Gosh, if I had to live up to that I think I would die. I don't feel like I'm the authority on 'Tails' as a character, either. I would never be the type of 'kin who's all "Argh, the media for me is ALL WRONG! THIS is how it actually happened!". That's retarded. The media is the media for the fandom. It's the authority on the characters it portrays. Those ARE the characters, and anything I claim to be is an aside. People are fans of the media, not the 'kin. That's part of why I don't normally parade it about, because as far as I'm concerned, me being Tails is important and relevant really only to myself (and to my Sonic).
Yet I'm blabbing about it here, why? I guess because it IS important to me, even if to no one else. It's still something I deeply identify with and forms a great part of who I am. In the end, it doesn't matter to me if people believe me or not as long as I'm true to myself and not trying to be something that I'm not. That's why I make an effort not to sound like I'm trying too hard to sound like, or act like, Tails. I may be the most OoC Tails ever, but really that's fine, good even. I'm just me, and I'm shaped by far more than one past lifetime, even if I'm also influenced by it. Here, I am a person known as Jai who is the combination of many parts and experiences. That's all.
I'd be lying, of course, if I didn't hope that at least a few people believe/understand me. And I'd be lying if I said that I'm not always hopeful that I'll run into other Sonic'verse 'kin. I've known (and do actually know currently) a few Sonic'verse fic'kin, which is awesome, but they're never from my exact verse. Mostly they relate most to the games, whereas I seem to have a closer affinity to the American media, specifically the cartoons and comic, as well as a fair bit of 'AU'. It would be nice to meet other 'kin from at least a similar 'verse. I'm not the type of 'kin to pine over a past life, but I do miss certain people. Particularly I'd love to meet a Sally, Knuckles, Bunnie or Rotor. Heck, even an Antoine or, gakk, an Amy XD Much as I'm always ripping on her, I feel like Amy and I were good friends. But Sally and Knuckles are the two I feel I was closest to after Sonic.
But it's not like I'll die or live in eternal depression if I don't meet anyone else. I'm lucky enough to have my Sonic here. I think most 'kin aren't so lucky as to have their best friend with them in another life, and even if it took the best part of ten years to accomplish it from opposite sides of the globe (well, different continents anyway), we made it work and live together now (: That in itself is a little miracle.
And then there's Miles. My theory about him is that he's, quite literally, the other half of me. He doesn't like that, of course. I reckon he's the yin to my yang and the dark to my light... but not necessarily the evil to my good, because I don't really believe in linear binary definitions of morality. My gut feeling is that we were once one spirit that got fractured down the middle and split off into two separate lifetimes - Tails and Miles. Somehow we got slapped back together here, but it took me a long time to even recognise my spiritual twin is back x.o;;
Duality has been a major theme all my life. The yin-yang has always held meaning for me and called to me in a strange way. Light in darkness and darkness in light. I think that's important. It's not so simple as black and white or positive and negative. There's a speck of each in the other, binding them and preventing each from being completely one aspect alone. I know that as Tails, I wasn't 100% perfect and good. My moral compass may have been set to 'good', but I was capable of being less than perfectly sweet and innocent. In the same vein, I can't believe that Miles is nothing but pure evil (sorry pal). His moral compass may be flipped and he's certainly far from 'good', but he has his redeemable qualities. It's never so simple as 'good' and 'bad'.
I wasn't sure what he was at first. He scared me; I really thought he was some sort of demon at first from how strongly and suddenly he came on, influencing my thoughts and dreams with a level of darkness and morbidity that I didn't understand and was a little afraid of. Then I went down the whole 'soulbond' route, that he's a completely separate entity that somehow became bound to me from another 'verse. And while that may still technically be accurate, I've come to accept that he's also me, or at least, part of me that splintered off lifetimes ago. So yeah, that's that. I don't know if we'll ever integrate again or if that's even possible (and I'm sure he'd fight it all the way), but this is a start I suppose.
I feel like I have so much more to say, yet I also feel like I'm done. I guess this came to a natural close. Anything more is for another post. Sorry, again, for my crazy :P
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Re: Because meowing cats are keeping me up at 4am. :P
Date: 2010-10-24 05:57 am (UTC)Indeed..that's the scariest part if you ask me..
I'm glad you don't see it as black and white and neither do I. I even sometime use mine as a guide or advisor in certain situations/=