flyboy_fox

I don't blame a bunch of people for potentially hating me, or at least being irked, due to my last post. It needed to be done, although as a weak human being, I can't help feeling as though I was unduly harsh. Everything I said remains true, but I don't want anyone to think that I've... changed. Become something else. Or, worse still, that everything I was before was a lie. It wasn't.

All that's different is that I identified a weakness in me. The need to be liked, approved of, appreciated. My fear of drama, of retaliation, of friction kept me from being honest in some situations. That's not to say that I've always been a horrible grinch sitting behind my computer spitting and muttering about the people I talk to, whilst pretending on the screen to be a cheerful and friendly fluffy bunny. My personality... my personality is just me. It's not a mask, an act, or anything like that. It just wasn't ALL of me. I was like a Photoshopped image with the worst of my flaws airbrushed out. Of course, plenty of flaws were still visible (especially if you've seen a lot of shoops in your time), but the greatest ones of all - my inability to be blunt when I don't like something about someone, and my habit of spouting platitudes when I'm upset whilst building up a deep and ugly resentment - those things were concealed with the flick of a tool.

I understand how it looks as though I hide behind being 'Tails'... let you assume that I am just like him. Cheerful, friendly, bubbly and with none of my cynicism, sarcasm and general anti-sociability. Perhaps in a way I do. It was never intentional. I can't count the posts where I've said that I don't claim to be like that, that we're really not that alike beyond some vague superficialities. It certainly wasn't purposeful... but hey, the icons, the name, a lot of stuff just does add to that illusion. A lot of people have said they hear Tails when I type. I don't want them to. I want them to hear me.

Let me talk a little bit about what happened, mostly for my own benefit, get this out. It's gonna be weird and 'kin-ish sort of but not. My head's been an interesting place for the last week or so.

Miles came about really quite suddenly during an RP session with Jei. During a particular scene where I was writing as him (and bearing in mind we'd been playing Miles and Scourge for I think over a week by then), I had to suddenly stop and abandon the RP because of how real my reaction to it was. I could almost see him splitting off from me and becoming a separate entity, created from those dark and nasty parts of me that had always been there. I hadn't realized it until I started playing Miles, but he WAS the embodiment of that part of me. I suppose it was natural of my subconscious to do that - after all, Miles is the Anti-Tails. Who better to represent my 'evil' than the antithesis to that which I use to portray my 'good'? It was very sudden, that was what startled me.

At first he was just sort of a presence, but then very quickly a voice. He developed into a strong entity, remarkably fast. I had never experienced anything like it in all my 25 years, and I can only imagine that maybe, just maybe, he was something close to what soulbonds are to soulbonders. He had his very own voice, his own personality, and heck in the last couple of days he actually learned to 'front'. To be honest, as nervous as I was to begin with, not really wanting it, it was actually pretty exhilarating. I really did feel less lonely, as weird as that may sound. I started to get an affinity for him. He wasn't so bad. Things got real intense in the last few days. I had such vivid dreams, couldn't push him back, could feel all his thoughts so strongly. So fucking strong and real.

Then today I woke up and I was blank. I don't just mean he was gone; I was blank. He wasn't there, I wasn't there. I didn't have anything. It was like I'd forgotten how to be me. Everything felt forced, contrived, unnatural. Like acting. Katy noticed and said that if I were a character, I'd be OOC. I wasn't... me. It was incredibly strange and luckily only lasted an hour or so.

Then something suddenly went SNAP, like a rubber band pinging, and I was me again. But I was more than me, I was me AND Miles. I couldn't distinguish one from the other. For the first time, ALL of it felt like me. That's what I meant by 'blendy' in my earlier post. But again, like all of this before, I never felt anything like it. Suddenly I had all those traits as well as my own, and I took them... and hell, I unleashed a fury of bluntless on Katy like I'd wanted to for so long. ... she took it amazingly well and, damn, she was wonderfully honest with me too. It was the most liberating thing ever. I finally stopped being a total pussy, and I have Miles, whatever he is, to thank for that.

Actually, fuck it. God fucking damn it, Miles, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was an ass. Whatever the fuck you are/were, even just part of me, I was holier-than-thou and this is where this whole thing stemmed from. You know what? Bastard that you may be, you are actually a better person than me in many ways. You're actually... far more honest than I am, than I've been. You're not afraid to say exactly what you think of people. You're unafraid of rejection or what people think of you. You have confidence, ego, whereas I lack any self-esteem at all. Yes, you're a smarmy unapologetic and nasty git, but I actually... kinda... respect you ._.; You know what you want and you have far more drive and motivation than I've ever had.

Hell fuck if you're gone now, if I killed you by somehow assimilating you back into me... I actually will miss you. And if you're still there in some form or way... don't be a stranger, eh? Hate me if you like (and I won't even blame you) but don't be a stranger. Heh... how weird...

And now, in light of this rollercoaster week and a mixture of freedom, relief and a strange deep guilt and sadness... I'm just gonna go cry my eyes out for a while and then probably feel a heck of a lot better. See ya later.

Edit: Shit fuck, I am actually grieving. I haven't cried this hard since... I don't even know. This is the most bizarre thing since... well... yeah. Fuck. ._.;;