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flyboy_foxI don't blame a bunch of people for potentially hating me, or at least being irked, due to my last post. It needed to be done, although as a weak human being, I can't help feeling as though I was unduly harsh. Everything I said remains true, but I don't want anyone to think that I've... changed. Become something else. Or, worse still, that everything I was before was a lie. It wasn't.
All that's different is that I identified a weakness in me. The need to be liked, approved of, appreciated. My fear of drama, of retaliation, of friction kept me from being honest in some situations. That's not to say that I've always been a horrible grinch sitting behind my computer spitting and muttering about the people I talk to, whilst pretending on the screen to be a cheerful and friendly fluffy bunny. My personality... my personality is just me. It's not a mask, an act, or anything like that. It just wasn't ALL of me. I was like a Photoshopped image with the worst of my flaws airbrushed out. Of course, plenty of flaws were still visible (especially if you've seen a lot of shoops in your time), but the greatest ones of all - my inability to be blunt when I don't like something about someone, and my habit of spouting platitudes when I'm upset whilst building up a deep and ugly resentment - those things were concealed with the flick of a tool.
I understand how it looks as though I hide behind being 'Tails'... let you assume that I am just like him. Cheerful, friendly, bubbly and with none of my cynicism, sarcasm and general anti-sociability. Perhaps in a way I do. It was never intentional. I can't count the posts where I've said that I don't claim to be like that, that we're really not that alike beyond some vague superficialities. It certainly wasn't purposeful... but hey, the icons, the name, a lot of stuff just does add to that illusion. A lot of people have said they hear Tails when I type. I don't want them to. I want them to hear me.
Let me talk a little bit about what happened, mostly for my own benefit, get this out. It's gonna be weird and 'kin-ish sort of but not. My head's been an interesting place for the last week or so.
Miles came about really quite suddenly during an RP session with Jei. During a particular scene where I was writing as him (and bearing in mind we'd been playing Miles and Scourge for I think over a week by then), I had to suddenly stop and abandon the RP because of how real my reaction to it was. I could almost see him splitting off from me and becoming a separate entity, created from those dark and nasty parts of me that had always been there. I hadn't realized it until I started playing Miles, but he WAS the embodiment of that part of me. I suppose it was natural of my subconscious to do that - after all, Miles is the Anti-Tails. Who better to represent my 'evil' than the antithesis to that which I use to portray my 'good'? It was very sudden, that was what startled me.
At first he was just sort of a presence, but then very quickly a voice. He developed into a strong entity, remarkably fast. I had never experienced anything like it in all my 25 years, and I can only imagine that maybe, just maybe, he was something close to what soulbonds are to soulbonders. He had his very own voice, his own personality, and heck in the last couple of days he actually learned to 'front'. To be honest, as nervous as I was to begin with, not really wanting it, it was actually pretty exhilarating. I really did feel less lonely, as weird as that may sound. I started to get an affinity for him. He wasn't so bad. Things got real intense in the last few days. I had such vivid dreams, couldn't push him back, could feel all his thoughts so strongly. So fucking strong and real.
Then today I woke up and I was blank. I don't just mean he was gone; I was blank. He wasn't there, I wasn't there. I didn't have anything. It was like I'd forgotten how to be me. Everything felt forced, contrived, unnatural. Like acting. Katy noticed and said that if I were a character, I'd be OOC. I wasn't... me. It was incredibly strange and luckily only lasted an hour or so.
Then something suddenly went SNAP, like a rubber band pinging, and I was me again. But I was more than me, I was me AND Miles. I couldn't distinguish one from the other. For the first time, ALL of it felt like me. That's what I meant by 'blendy' in my earlier post. But again, like all of this before, I never felt anything like it. Suddenly I had all those traits as well as my own, and I took them... and hell, I unleashed a fury of bluntless on Katy like I'd wanted to for so long. ... she took it amazingly well and, damn, she was wonderfully honest with me too. It was the most liberating thing ever. I finally stopped being a total pussy, and I have Miles, whatever he is, to thank for that.
Actually, fuck it. God fucking damn it, Miles, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was an ass. Whatever the fuck you are/were, even just part of me, I was holier-than-thou and this is where this whole thing stemmed from. You know what? Bastard that you may be, you are actually a better person than me in many ways. You're actually... far more honest than I am, than I've been. You're not afraid to say exactly what you think of people. You're unafraid of rejection or what people think of you. You have confidence, ego, whereas I lack any self-esteem at all. Yes, you're a smarmy unapologetic and nasty git, but I actually... kinda... respect you ._.; You know what you want and you have far more drive and motivation than I've ever had.
Hell fuck if you're gone now, if I killed you by somehow assimilating you back into me... I actually will miss you. And if you're still there in some form or way... don't be a stranger, eh? Hate me if you like (and I won't even blame you) but don't be a stranger. Heh... how weird...
And now, in light of this rollercoaster week and a mixture of freedom, relief and a strange deep guilt and sadness... I'm just gonna go cry my eyes out for a while and then probably feel a heck of a lot better. See ya later.
Edit: Shit fuck, I am actually grieving. I haven't cried this hard since... I don't even know. This is the most bizarre thing since... well... yeah. Fuck. ._.;;
All that's different is that I identified a weakness in me. The need to be liked, approved of, appreciated. My fear of drama, of retaliation, of friction kept me from being honest in some situations. That's not to say that I've always been a horrible grinch sitting behind my computer spitting and muttering about the people I talk to, whilst pretending on the screen to be a cheerful and friendly fluffy bunny. My personality... my personality is just me. It's not a mask, an act, or anything like that. It just wasn't ALL of me. I was like a Photoshopped image with the worst of my flaws airbrushed out. Of course, plenty of flaws were still visible (especially if you've seen a lot of shoops in your time), but the greatest ones of all - my inability to be blunt when I don't like something about someone, and my habit of spouting platitudes when I'm upset whilst building up a deep and ugly resentment - those things were concealed with the flick of a tool.
I understand how it looks as though I hide behind being 'Tails'... let you assume that I am just like him. Cheerful, friendly, bubbly and with none of my cynicism, sarcasm and general anti-sociability. Perhaps in a way I do. It was never intentional. I can't count the posts where I've said that I don't claim to be like that, that we're really not that alike beyond some vague superficialities. It certainly wasn't purposeful... but hey, the icons, the name, a lot of stuff just does add to that illusion. A lot of people have said they hear Tails when I type. I don't want them to. I want them to hear me.
Let me talk a little bit about what happened, mostly for my own benefit, get this out. It's gonna be weird and 'kin-ish sort of but not. My head's been an interesting place for the last week or so.
Miles came about really quite suddenly during an RP session with Jei. During a particular scene where I was writing as him (and bearing in mind we'd been playing Miles and Scourge for I think over a week by then), I had to suddenly stop and abandon the RP because of how real my reaction to it was. I could almost see him splitting off from me and becoming a separate entity, created from those dark and nasty parts of me that had always been there. I hadn't realized it until I started playing Miles, but he WAS the embodiment of that part of me. I suppose it was natural of my subconscious to do that - after all, Miles is the Anti-Tails. Who better to represent my 'evil' than the antithesis to that which I use to portray my 'good'? It was very sudden, that was what startled me.
At first he was just sort of a presence, but then very quickly a voice. He developed into a strong entity, remarkably fast. I had never experienced anything like it in all my 25 years, and I can only imagine that maybe, just maybe, he was something close to what soulbonds are to soulbonders. He had his very own voice, his own personality, and heck in the last couple of days he actually learned to 'front'. To be honest, as nervous as I was to begin with, not really wanting it, it was actually pretty exhilarating. I really did feel less lonely, as weird as that may sound. I started to get an affinity for him. He wasn't so bad. Things got real intense in the last few days. I had such vivid dreams, couldn't push him back, could feel all his thoughts so strongly. So fucking strong and real.
Then today I woke up and I was blank. I don't just mean he was gone; I was blank. He wasn't there, I wasn't there. I didn't have anything. It was like I'd forgotten how to be me. Everything felt forced, contrived, unnatural. Like acting. Katy noticed and said that if I were a character, I'd be OOC. I wasn't... me. It was incredibly strange and luckily only lasted an hour or so.
Then something suddenly went SNAP, like a rubber band pinging, and I was me again. But I was more than me, I was me AND Miles. I couldn't distinguish one from the other. For the first time, ALL of it felt like me. That's what I meant by 'blendy' in my earlier post. But again, like all of this before, I never felt anything like it. Suddenly I had all those traits as well as my own, and I took them... and hell, I unleashed a fury of bluntless on Katy like I'd wanted to for so long. ... she took it amazingly well and, damn, she was wonderfully honest with me too. It was the most liberating thing ever. I finally stopped being a total pussy, and I have Miles, whatever he is, to thank for that.
Actually, fuck it. God fucking damn it, Miles, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was an ass. Whatever the fuck you are/were, even just part of me, I was holier-than-thou and this is where this whole thing stemmed from. You know what? Bastard that you may be, you are actually a better person than me in many ways. You're actually... far more honest than I am, than I've been. You're not afraid to say exactly what you think of people. You're unafraid of rejection or what people think of you. You have confidence, ego, whereas I lack any self-esteem at all. Yes, you're a smarmy unapologetic and nasty git, but I actually... kinda... respect you ._.; You know what you want and you have far more drive and motivation than I've ever had.
Hell fuck if you're gone now, if I killed you by somehow assimilating you back into me... I actually will miss you. And if you're still there in some form or way... don't be a stranger, eh? Hate me if you like (and I won't even blame you) but don't be a stranger. Heh... how weird...
And now, in light of this rollercoaster week and a mixture of freedom, relief and a strange deep guilt and sadness... I'm just gonna go cry my eyes out for a while and then probably feel a heck of a lot better. See ya later.
Edit: Shit fuck, I am actually grieving. I haven't cried this hard since... I don't even know. This is the most bizarre thing since... well... yeah. Fuck. ._.;;
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:21 am (UTC)Exactly how I felt. I want so bad to be like that.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:23 am (UTC)The confidence part might take a while... but it's a start. I really think I can grow from this.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 05:26 am (UTC)And now it seems like you're spreading that courage to other areas of your life.
But yeah, all your experiences sound familiar to me in some way. The blankness, the not being anyone... heck, I did that for several days recently. It's not fun. And I think that what happened to you can be counted as a "soulbonding"-like experience. I mean, they had the same effect. It's just that it's perfectly possible for a soulbond to also be a facet or part of you. And for that matter, I think it's possible for them to be a part of you and a person with individual feelings, needs and identity at different times. What has separated itself can sometimes become one again, and what is one can become separate. Like amoebas, but in reverse again. :P The mind is complex, and we barely understand it at all when it comes to things like this.
I've grieved fictional characters, too. Ask me about Sialeeds sometime, if you never heard that story. Or if you want, I'll open up the entries on my LJ to you, if you weren't on the filter for that one (if was a tinyfilter and I didn't want to bore people). But yeah. I feel you. And if this is "crazy"... well, you sure are getting stronger from it, aren't you? If it's a crazy that makes you stronger, than I'd say it's a hell of a good crazy.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 10:42 am (UTC)Heh, the way you talk, it almost gives me hope that he might still be there in some way, maybe I'll connect with him again, maybe this time without losing part of myself in the process. Dammit, I had him for a week. So intense. It just doesn't seem fair if that's it.
But yeah, I'd like to hear about Sialeeds sometime if you feel up to telling me.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 03:30 pm (UTC):3
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 12:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 01:31 pm (UTC)And honestly, if you were to turn around and now and slander me off, it wouldn't matter. I understand my flaws, and I am very aware of them. I know I'm sometimes a bit overly nice, but I guess that's just who I am. What matters to me is that you be yourself. Even if you kick me down or throw me on the floor after I've just got up, I'll still be your friend, because that's what friends do for each other.
Also, I highly encourage people to tell me to **** off if I get on their nerves, so, you know, feel free... ^^;;
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 03:09 pm (UTC)The way to re-word it would be that I stick by friends for being who they are, and trust them not to do any of the above, though will listen to the criticisms I get. If they get a bit angry with me, then I will try my best to help, though I do have my limits too.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:17 pm (UTC)I'm nice to people, but if someone crosses me, I won't be afraid to let them know. Same applies for any one of my friends. Way I word things can get confusing sometimes. x-x
no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:19 pm (UTC)PINGAS! XD
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Date: 2010-06-27 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 05:01 pm (UTC)Honesty.
Date: 2010-06-27 11:59 pm (UTC)Okay, so I am sitting here, reading the two LiveJournal posts you wrote that are extremely honest, and as you mentioned, potentially hurtful. You haven't been online on AIM for weeks, and I have been worried about how you have been doing due to your posts about depression here.
Then...I read this and your previous entry.
You may be surprised to know that I'm not going to take off running, screaming that everything you were doing is fake. Above all, I treasure honesty in people, and I strongly desire them to be upfront with me. However, you're going to find that your blunt, honest posts are going to be met with an equally blunt, honest reply and request:
****
-I never want you to hide your feelings in front of others again. I strongly challenge you to continue to be blunt about yourself until you can fully feel comfortable with who you are. Once you are comfortable, you will no longer have to worry. I've learned in this life that honesty and being fully oneself are the best things possible.
-I want to know what's going on in more detail. I want to know exactly how you feel about our friendship. Therefore, I want to speak with you at your earliest convenience in AIM or somewhere else that will allow us a good chance to speak with each other.
****
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am an empathetic person who desires happiness for all of those who I care about, but I also desire honesty from them in return. Thank you for your honesty, and I look forward to a reply.
~Matty J.
Erm...I was a bit Harsh...
Date: 2010-06-28 02:19 am (UTC)My above post, in retrospect, may have been a bit more harsh than I had desired. I want to let you know that I really do care about you, and that I'm concerned for your well-being. You know how I am: I want those I care about to be happy.
I'll admit I felt a bit disillusioned by your previous post, but now that I've had time to think, I feel I understand the situation better. You don't have to get on AIM, but at least send me a private message with some information I requested above.
Thank you, and I hope you continue to figure things out for yourself. :3
~Matty
no subject
Date: 2010-06-28 09:51 am (UTC)Please, before it gets out of hand.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-28 06:30 pm (UTC)