When you fall get up, oh-oh, and if you fall get up, eh-eh~

[flyboy_fox]

So... damage report for tonight:

Admittedly, I blazed my way through all four Bacardi Breezers and half a bottle of Malibu. BUT I did not touch the vodka. That was a conscious effort. I did not touch anything stronger than 21% and most of it was 4%. I made an effort to stop drinking and cool down any time that I felt like I was getting beyond pleasantly tipsy, and I made sure to keep conversation going all night, lest I fall into incoherence. I had a really awesome and fascinating conversation with Jei about Isaac Asimov's "The Last Answer", which I think I must have been fairly sober for, so I'm glad.

Overall, not really a success, but not a disaster, either. I found that I can actually end up in a 'good place' from lower volume alcohol for a fair bit longer. Malibu, particularly, makes me feel really good without getting beyond that point. I suppose that might be because it's not so strong and therefore I don't end up going past that good place and just getting completely slaughtered. Okay, so it might not be an instant quit, but it's something. I feel cautiously optimistic about these revelations. It was a better night than I expected without the vodka.

I also did have strict words with Miles. Well, I tried to. I realised I couldn't stop him from forming his own persona and being his own person, but eh. I was going to try to post to his journal and talk to him there, but he made it quite clear that was not going to happen, so I backed off. That's fine. He can do his own thing there and I'll leave him alone. I'm not too worried, since anything he posts there will have to go through me first. I feel fairly confident that I have the reins here and he's not going to get control of me, so... Yeah. Whatever. He can do what he likes, and I'll leave him to it. I actually feel quite comfortable now. I'm not going to be scared of part of my own mind, however much he threatens me. I'm in charge. I feel pretty good.

So! Cross-trainer is coming tomorrow. I'm going to get fit. I think I needed to have this little breakdown to build myself up again. Miles might even be useful here, since he's far more concerned about me being an overweight slug than I am n.n;; So... gonna get this thing put together, gonna take my life in hand, gonna put my woes behind me and get on with it.

Oh, and just for the record:

Shakira is so beautiful. Damn, girl can dance! Watching her and this video, I can almost see why they call it "The Beautiful Game". I find her incredible. I suppose I'm biased because she's half-Colombian like me, but I see in her an inspiration. I want to be able to dance like her, to move like her. I could almost be happy with my femininity if only I could dance like her.

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka ey ey
Tsamina mina zangalewa
¡Porque esto es Africa!

But jeeez... England, WHY are you SUCKING so MUCH? Get your act together. This is supposed to be exciting, not phenomenally depressing and mediocre. If we get knocked out before the Groups are done, I will be most disappoint.

Anyway, to conclude... I didn't win everything tonight. I have a way to go. But I'm making progress and nobody is going to stop me (:

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. You are all amazing and I feel honoured to count you among my friends.


Edit: So, I did actually post to Miles' journal and manage a couple of very brief conversations. It came to nothing, really, because he's basically obsessed with his hatred of me and can't seem to comprehend having any sort of constructive conversation. While I'm not entirely surprised, I am sort of disappointed. I'd hoped he'd be more interesting than that. But I suppose he is the weakest parts of me, so... eh. I'll give him time. I don't even feel weird about having LJ conversations with myself, any more. I just wanna... I dunno. Heal that part of me? I don't know if it's possible. Maybe I'll get something constructive out of it eventually. If for now he just wants to be angry and abusive towards me, that's fine. Get it out of his/my system. Even if we never reconcile, at least I'm giving him that chance, to be more than just my anger and negativity.

Edit 2: I want one of those "This time for Africa" shirts.

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I think you've probably been told something along these lines before, but perhaps it's precisely because you've been trying so hard to be good that a part of you like that exists. He seems made up of those parts of you which you fear on some level, and do not fully understand.

Though, to make a contradictory statement, I'm glad that you seem to have him under control for the time being.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

For the time being? XD;;

But yeah, I think you're right. I also know that, as much as I want to believe I'm good, I fail miserably at actually DOING good, a lot. I wanna believe I'm better than I actually am, y'know? I'm NOT a perfectly good person. I'm not even a VERY good person. I'm actually a pretty crappy person when it comes down to it ._.;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I don't believe that you're a crappy person, just that you're...well, a person. People have certain frailties. But that doesn't always have to mean that we are irredeemable. ^_^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Perhaps not. Maybe I just need to try a little harder.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

The journey begins with the first steps, as cliched as the saying is.:)

I think it would be a good idea to balance your attempts at self-improvement with attempts at relaxation, though. Pacing yourself, and all that. ^_^

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I 'relax' too much. I need to DO more. I suck XD;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Maybe you do more things in small increments, you'll start to find those increments growing larger, if that makes sense. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Perhaps. Motivation is so hard to find sometimes ^^;; Especially when you're living entirely on your own for months with no one to talk to outside of the computer. I guess the only way to solve that is to get out there and try to meet people.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Perhaps. You seem to be the outgoing, social type, at least on some level. As long as you aren't hanging out in places where you could hurt, I don't see the harm in trying to build a life outside your home.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

XD; I'm actually not outgoing or sociable AT ALL. I mean, even online you can kinda tell by how I go on AIM for a few days and then freak out and don't use it again for like 3 months, leaving everyone to wonder where I disappeared to ^^; I'm very much an introverted loner. But that's a fault in me and I need to change it :\

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Heh, I guess we're not so different in that regard. I suppose we've been making similar attempts to change things, too.:)