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flyboy_foxSo... damage report for tonight:
Admittedly, I blazed my way through all four Bacardi Breezers and half a bottle of Malibu. BUT I did not touch the vodka. That was a conscious effort. I did not touch anything stronger than 21% and most of it was 4%. I made an effort to stop drinking and cool down any time that I felt like I was getting beyond pleasantly tipsy, and I made sure to keep conversation going all night, lest I fall into incoherence. I had a really awesome and fascinating conversation with Jei about Isaac Asimov's "The Last Answer", which I think I must have been fairly sober for, so I'm glad.
Overall, not really a success, but not a disaster, either. I found that I can actually end up in a 'good place' from lower volume alcohol for a fair bit longer. Malibu, particularly, makes me feel really good without getting beyond that point. I suppose that might be because it's not so strong and therefore I don't end up going past that good place and just getting completely slaughtered. Okay, so it might not be an instant quit, but it's something. I feel cautiously optimistic about these revelations. It was a better night than I expected without the vodka.
I also did have strict words with Miles. Well, I tried to. I realised I couldn't stop him from forming his own persona and being his own person, but eh. I was going to try to post to his journal and talk to him there, but he made it quite clear that was not going to happen, so I backed off. That's fine. He can do his own thing there and I'll leave him alone. I'm not too worried, since anything he posts there will have to go through me first. I feel fairly confident that I have the reins here and he's not going to get control of me, so... Yeah. Whatever. He can do what he likes, and I'll leave him to it. I actually feel quite comfortable now. I'm not going to be scared of part of my own mind, however much he threatens me. I'm in charge. I feel pretty good.
So! Cross-trainer is coming tomorrow. I'm going to get fit. I think I needed to have this little breakdown to build myself up again. Miles might even be useful here, since he's far more concerned about me being an overweight slug than I am n.n;; So... gonna get this thing put together, gonna take my life in hand, gonna put my woes behind me and get on with it.
Oh, and just for the record:
Shakira is so beautiful. Damn, girl can dance! Watching her and this video, I can almost see why they call it "The Beautiful Game". I find her incredible. I suppose I'm biased because she's half-Colombian like me, but I see in her an inspiration. I want to be able to dance like her, to move like her. I could almost be happy with my femininity if only I could dance like her.
Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka ey ey
Tsamina mina zangalewa
¡Porque esto es Africa!
But jeeez... England, WHY are you SUCKING so MUCH? Get your act together. This is supposed to be exciting, not phenomenally depressing and mediocre. If we get knocked out before the Groups are done, I will be most disappoint.
Anyway, to conclude... I didn't win everything tonight. I have a way to go. But I'm making progress and nobody is going to stop me (:
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. You are all amazing and I feel honoured to count you among my friends.
Edit: So, I did actually post to Miles' journal and manage a couple of very brief conversations. It came to nothing, really, because he's basically obsessed with his hatred of me and can't seem to comprehend having any sort of constructive conversation. While I'm not entirely surprised, I am sort of disappointed. I'd hoped he'd be more interesting than that. But I suppose he is the weakest parts of me, so... eh. I'll give him time. I don't even feel weird about having LJ conversations with myself, any more. I just wanna... I dunno. Heal that part of me? I don't know if it's possible. Maybe I'll get something constructive out of it eventually. If for now he just wants to be angry and abusive towards me, that's fine. Get it out of his/my system. Even if we never reconcile, at least I'm giving him that chance, to be more than just my anger and negativity.
Edit 2: I want one of those "This time for Africa" shirts.
Admittedly, I blazed my way through all four Bacardi Breezers and half a bottle of Malibu. BUT I did not touch the vodka. That was a conscious effort. I did not touch anything stronger than 21% and most of it was 4%. I made an effort to stop drinking and cool down any time that I felt like I was getting beyond pleasantly tipsy, and I made sure to keep conversation going all night, lest I fall into incoherence. I had a really awesome and fascinating conversation with Jei about Isaac Asimov's "The Last Answer", which I think I must have been fairly sober for, so I'm glad.
Overall, not really a success, but not a disaster, either. I found that I can actually end up in a 'good place' from lower volume alcohol for a fair bit longer. Malibu, particularly, makes me feel really good without getting beyond that point. I suppose that might be because it's not so strong and therefore I don't end up going past that good place and just getting completely slaughtered. Okay, so it might not be an instant quit, but it's something. I feel cautiously optimistic about these revelations. It was a better night than I expected without the vodka.
I also did have strict words with Miles. Well, I tried to. I realised I couldn't stop him from forming his own persona and being his own person, but eh. I was going to try to post to his journal and talk to him there, but he made it quite clear that was not going to happen, so I backed off. That's fine. He can do his own thing there and I'll leave him alone. I'm not too worried, since anything he posts there will have to go through me first. I feel fairly confident that I have the reins here and he's not going to get control of me, so... Yeah. Whatever. He can do what he likes, and I'll leave him to it. I actually feel quite comfortable now. I'm not going to be scared of part of my own mind, however much he threatens me. I'm in charge. I feel pretty good.
So! Cross-trainer is coming tomorrow. I'm going to get fit. I think I needed to have this little breakdown to build myself up again. Miles might even be useful here, since he's far more concerned about me being an overweight slug than I am n.n;; So... gonna get this thing put together, gonna take my life in hand, gonna put my woes behind me and get on with it.
Oh, and just for the record:
Shakira is so beautiful. Damn, girl can dance! Watching her and this video, I can almost see why they call it "The Beautiful Game". I find her incredible. I suppose I'm biased because she's half-Colombian like me, but I see in her an inspiration. I want to be able to dance like her, to move like her. I could almost be happy with my femininity if only I could dance like her.
Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka ey ey
Tsamina mina zangalewa
¡Porque esto es Africa!
But jeeez... England, WHY are you SUCKING so MUCH? Get your act together. This is supposed to be exciting, not phenomenally depressing and mediocre. If we get knocked out before the Groups are done, I will be most disappoint.
Anyway, to conclude... I didn't win everything tonight. I have a way to go. But I'm making progress and nobody is going to stop me (:
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. You are all amazing and I feel honoured to count you among my friends.
Edit: So, I did actually post to Miles' journal and manage a couple of very brief conversations. It came to nothing, really, because he's basically obsessed with his hatred of me and can't seem to comprehend having any sort of constructive conversation. While I'm not entirely surprised, I am sort of disappointed. I'd hoped he'd be more interesting than that. But I suppose he is the weakest parts of me, so... eh. I'll give him time. I don't even feel weird about having LJ conversations with myself, any more. I just wanna... I dunno. Heal that part of me? I don't know if it's possible. Maybe I'll get something constructive out of it eventually. If for now he just wants to be angry and abusive towards me, that's fine. Get it out of his/my system. Even if we never reconcile, at least I'm giving him that chance, to be more than just my anger and negativity.
Edit 2: I want one of those "This time for Africa" shirts.
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:30 am (UTC)It's all still damaging, but quitting cold turkey is damn near impossible, and I can see the effort you put in to make it this far. So good on you.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:34 am (UTC)Thank you for appreciating the effort. I know I could have done better, but I could have done worse too... so it's something (: A learning process. I feel like I'll get there, strike a balance. It's not beyond me.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 06:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 06:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 06:44 am (UTC)I'm just going with the USA for now because, umm... I live there. In all other matches, I root for the underdog or whoever has the best looking uniform. So far, Mexico has that last part covered.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 06:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 08:10 am (UTC)This isn't me being bitter or anything but I sort of hope England continue the way they are going because if they win ALL we will ever hear forever more will be "OMG WE WON WORLD CUP 2010" and just like the "OMG WE WON 1976" or whenever the hell it was, it becomes old fast and tries my patience no end. Once again I must say; it is only football.
I am glad you made such a conscious effort to cut down on your alcohol intake that is a step in the right direction and at least it should help you in the future when faced with temptation.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 08:14 am (UTC)Last time we won was 1966. I only know that because of that blasted 3 Lions song that's been covered about 5 times now @_@
Thanks for the support... I'll try to keep going in that direction (:
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 09:25 am (UTC)Northern Ireland can play better football than England. Remember we beat them 1-0 five years ago.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 09:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 11:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:40 pm (UTC)I dunno O.o; Are you planning on antagonising him?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 01:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 02:23 pm (UTC)Seriously, don't make me come down there! :P
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 02:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 06:00 pm (UTC)Also, you still use AIM right? I can't see you online?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 07:11 pm (UTC)... Lol. In all seriousness, nah. More like... um... two people being in the same room at the same time? He's got his own voice, but he's not in the driving seat >_>;
Edit: Oh, just noticed the second part there. I do use AIM, but haven't been on in a week or so. I decided to take a break while I sort my head out ^^;
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 07:52 pm (UTC)And I won't say a word if you don't want me to.