I am okay.

[flyboy_fox]

Yaaah... I dunno what I set off here, but I feel like it's skeltering out of control more quickly than I can keep up with it, and I just wanna shove it back in its box and put a lid on it ^^;

I am okay.

Here's how it stands:

I am not going to the hospital. I am not going to the local doctor here. I am not calling a crisis hotline. I am not seeing a shrink.

I am seeing a college counsellor next Thursday (one week from now), for what it's worth. I am going to see my doctor, who knows me well, back at home sometime after the 18th of this month.

I'm alright, really I am, and right now I feel more worried and guilty about all the people I panicked than about myself. Yes, I'm still having low moods... it's par for the course. I'm not great, but I'm not crazy or a danger to myself or anyone else either. I spazzed out, and now I think it's out of my system. The marks on my face are almost gone and the ones on my arms are healing well. My hair, amazingly, looks alright (if a little 'dyke-ish' ^^;). My eyebrows are coming back remarkably fast and Jei won't be able to say that I look like a chemotherapy patient for much longer :P

I am fine. Really I am. It's been nice to see that even my trolls have decided not to troll me over all this ('though I guess I'm tempting fate now), but really it's not all that. Please, troll me. I can take it XD; I'd prefer it, really.

Life goes on, things can get back to normal. This is me, what I do. It's not the first time and it may not be the last, but even in my insanity I have my boundaries that won't be overstepped.

Thanks for all your support, guys. Now, can we forget about me for a bit? XP

Comments

[eileanach.livejournal.com]

I am so glad everything is all right and working itself out! *hugs* I have been worried.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for worrying you! *Hugs*

[eileanach.livejournal.com]

Oh no, please do not apologise. I am just glad everything is working out for you.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

OMG JAI U FURFAG LAMER FREAK UR SICK AN NEED HELP... nah, I suck at trolling. I dunno, what's the current "style" these days? Goatse's out of fashion, right? Picture of that guy with an afro saying "pool's closed"?

I can really understand you being sick of the fuss. I know ever since I was a kid I've hated it when people fussed over my "woes" (even if it was just like a cold or something), and it can be frustrating when people, however wellmeaning (and I'm sure everyone who's been upset really is kind and lovely and caring and is doing it for the best of reasons), kind of forget that you probably know your own state better than they do, and get all paranoid on your behalf. So, yeah. Pool's closed, get a life and all that half-hearted junk. ;) ♥

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Except what she did is not mentally stable AT ALL. I don't care how mad anyone gets because the problem is still there and is not going to just go away. You don't "snap out" of it. Cutting yourself and all your hair is a sign of expressing emotional pain inside. And no, it's not wtflolemo either.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It was just a random spazz attack. I'm overemotional like that. But believe me, I'm not in a pit of eternal despair and suffering. I have winter depression, but I'm dealing.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

OMG I H8 U LEVE MEH ALONZ!!!!1111 D<<<<<

... heh, I know I brought it down on myself by posting all of this crap, so I can't blame anyone for their reactions. But I fear no one will ever trust me with myself again at this rate, and I don't want to feel that I need a 'handle with care' label on my back ^^; I'm responsible for myself and if I say I'm alright, I want my friends to believe it.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Hopefully it'll ease up with time. People will forget. I've had spaz attacks before, and people freaked at the time, and... they're pretty much forgotten now. So, you know, I think it'll all pan out in the wash, to mix metaphors at you.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Sorry but even though you claim you feel better you're most likely having a "high" moment - manic depression is fun like that. You're a mess then all of a sudden you feel better. Unfortunately the pendulum is gonna swing back, and it gets worse every time. I saw the same thing with my mother who had it for ELEVEN YEARS STRAIGHT so, yeah. "I'm all better nows! :D" ain't gonna fly with me.
See a psychiatrist before we start seeing entries about how you nearly killed yourself or how you wrote on yourself with a knife. Kthx.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I never said I was "all better nows! :D"... I even stated that I'm still having some pretty low moments. But I do believe that I'm in control and not as much of a risk as some of you seem to think I am.

I have cut before, yes, and done silly things... but it's never become life-threatening or anything permanent. Trust me that I'm okay, please.

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

I hope you're OK.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I am, thanks :)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

*hug?*

We all have bad days and do stupid things sometimes. As long as you're alright now, that's what matters.

And good luck in the counselling. Here's hoping that'll help out a bit. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thanks again, Jade :)

[(Anonymous)]

I hate to be the asshole about this, dude, but I'll just say it: If you had any control over what's happening to you, you wouldn't have even done it in the first place. Your friend up there is right when he/she says it's going to get worse. I know you won't believe anyone because you're probably scared of treatment, but that's just the ugly truth of mental illness. It can get better, and I hope you'll eventually grow up enough to help yourself before your mental state declines even more and you wind up messing up more than just your body. This will be the last thing I say about it, anonymously or logged in, probably much to your relief. But seriously, people care about you, and you need to start caring more about yourself, too.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Your wording about being anonymous or logged in leads me to believe you're someone on my FList so I do wonder why you feel the need to mask your ID, but alright. I'd like to know who I'm talking to, but I guess it's not hugely important.

I think what I did WAS the result of having control. I could have lashed out in far more destructive ways but instead I did something that I KNEW was minor and temporary.

I appreciate your concern, but I do feel that I know more about my own state of mind and what I will or won't end up doing than anyone on the internet.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and will be seeing your regular doctor.

I'm also happy to hear you are feeling better.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

Late

[(Anonymous)]

This is very late but I wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from and do think lots of people overacted to your incident. I also think you were very brave to share what you went through, it's very hard to be able to talk openly to people about this kind of thing because lots of times it seems like afterwards people will tend to view you as delicate and fragile, which is obviously counter intuitive to wanting to feel in control and responsible.

I can understand why people don't like self-harm because it looks ugly, scary, and most people assume it's a stepping block to suicide. As someone who has self harmed before I don't see it like that at all. When you really think about it the damage caused by self harming is relatively minor to almost any other destructive thing you could do in emotional duress. I've actually had cutting be the only thing that could bring me out of periods of high depression and suicidal thoughts before. When people found out they were extremely against it because of how it all looked, but inside myself I knew that it was a small price to pay to actually be able to feel better in the end.

I was in the hospital also before for depression and honestly going into it with an open mind and heart ultimately made me see that not a lot of use comes out of it. They tell you to do things like listen to music or draw a picture when you feel depressed, which doesn't seem to offer much consolation in actual use. I think the most useful thing is self reflection, having a good support system (hopefully including people who try more to understand you then view you as some weak person in crises), perhaps some medication if you feel it's something you want to try, and also perhaps some counseling to help you with the self reflection.

Also this is Pelly from the forum, just so it doesn't look like I'm hiding under the crazy shadow of anonymity XP