Hello hello hello
Dec. 8th, 2009 11:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flyboy_foxI feel a little... less insane today. Whee, breakthrough?
I'm feeling okay now so I'm not gonna go to the hospital. It would be a waste of their time and money just to check me over, tell me I'm fine, and then send me home :P I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else, just a bit of a loose cannon.
Everything I do seems to stop before it's 'final'. I think, maybe, I just feel the need to scare or startle myself sometimes, to feel something real. I don't want to die or cause permanent damage to my own being... I just need the adrenaline rush of physical pain or disbelief to shake me out of my 'dead zone'. There's something euphoric about it... the liberty I felt while I was hacking off my hair, or the controlled pain when I was slashing the blade across my arm. A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control. Somehow, that incensed mania, horrific as it was, was more calm and peaceful than the weight of depression across my chest and shoulders.
I'm alive.
I'm not going to the hospital, because I look awful, sickly, alien right now. I look far worse than I feel. And I feel pretty good right now, comparatively. My mum thinks that there's a chance they might section me, lol. Holy crap. Not a chance, mate, I'm not going anywhere. She also talked sense though. She believes that the last thing I need right now is more pills. Rather, counselling and/or a form of CBT might be far more effective in getting to the root of my need to 'act out' so dramatically.
My hair, eyebrows will grow back. The scratches will heal (and are already). I'm sorry for scaring you all, but I'm okay, I really am.
Thank you.
NB: My comment notifications haven't been working for a couple days now, so sorry if I missed anything or was late replying.
I'm feeling okay now so I'm not gonna go to the hospital. It would be a waste of their time and money just to check me over, tell me I'm fine, and then send me home :P I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else, just a bit of a loose cannon.
Everything I do seems to stop before it's 'final'. I think, maybe, I just feel the need to scare or startle myself sometimes, to feel something real. I don't want to die or cause permanent damage to my own being... I just need the adrenaline rush of physical pain or disbelief to shake me out of my 'dead zone'. There's something euphoric about it... the liberty I felt while I was hacking off my hair, or the controlled pain when I was slashing the blade across my arm. A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control. Somehow, that incensed mania, horrific as it was, was more calm and peaceful than the weight of depression across my chest and shoulders.
I'm alive.
I'm not going to the hospital, because I look awful, sickly, alien right now. I look far worse than I feel. And I feel pretty good right now, comparatively. My mum thinks that there's a chance they might section me, lol. Holy crap. Not a chance, mate, I'm not going anywhere. She also talked sense though. She believes that the last thing I need right now is more pills. Rather, counselling and/or a form of CBT might be far more effective in getting to the root of my need to 'act out' so dramatically.
My hair, eyebrows will grow back. The scratches will heal (and are already). I'm sorry for scaring you all, but I'm okay, I really am.
Thank you.
NB: My comment notifications haven't been working for a couple days now, so sorry if I missed anything or was late replying.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 08:50 pm (UTC)