Hello hello hello

[flyboy_fox]

I feel a little... less insane today. Whee, breakthrough?

I'm feeling okay now so I'm not gonna go to the hospital. It would be a waste of their time and money just to check me over, tell me I'm fine, and then send me home :P I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else, just a bit of a loose cannon.

Everything I do seems to stop before it's 'final'. I think, maybe, I just feel the need to scare or startle myself sometimes, to feel something real. I don't want to die or cause permanent damage to my own being... I just need the adrenaline rush of physical pain or disbelief to shake me out of my 'dead zone'. There's something euphoric about it... the liberty I felt while I was hacking off my hair, or the controlled pain when I was slashing the blade across my arm. A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control. Somehow, that incensed mania, horrific as it was, was more calm and peaceful than the weight of depression across my chest and shoulders.

I'm alive.

I'm not going to the hospital, because I look awful, sickly, alien right now. I look far worse than I feel. And I feel pretty good right now, comparatively. My mum thinks that there's a chance they might section me, lol. Holy crap. Not a chance, mate, I'm not going anywhere. She also talked sense though. She believes that the last thing I need right now is more pills. Rather, counselling and/or a form of CBT might be far more effective in getting to the root of my need to 'act out' so dramatically.

My hair, eyebrows will grow back. The scratches will heal (and are already). I'm sorry for scaring you all, but I'm okay, I really am.

Thank you.

NB: My comment notifications haven't been working for a couple days now, so sorry if I missed anything or was late replying.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

is it the lack of quick launch bar or the fact backspace in explorer is 'back' instead of 'up' in windows 7 thats driving u to distraction? yeh i knew!

nah don't worry about the mha, the emergency section 3 (?) is not often invoked if you have a friend or carer, your loved one with you most of the time. the key words in the act are "danger to others" (nope!), "danger of acting irresponsibly... to self" and that is assumed not to be the case if you are with family

ur gp wl alwys consider the detrimental impact the invokation of section 4(or dothers lol) will hav on u - often it wont hlp at al and they knw this

as for counselling, its very good, every single person on earth wud benefit from it. the matter behind the eyes enjoys ppl listening to it :) i hope the cbt u find eficacious, i did not. never hav. the problems arise wen u hav a shit CBT'er (or sorry, is that MHP?). i h8 the way bad ones they try and forc us to recall the initial shit occurances; i suppressed those for a reason lmao fuck off ;)

mate, if ur pills arent working, change them. never stick to a regime which is rubish. no one, or two or tree(!weeeeeeeee) is a silver bullet, and not all work, not all even help art all (some make u worse!), but sum work great!. do not buy the ssri hodge podge they try and sell u, the old tcas r often betr. lots of docs dont understand wat the drugs do, because they havent taken them lol!

oh and btw, u dont look like an alien! i hav a family history of alopoecia and i see what i think is a truer and more honest person, minus the disguise the genetics paints on ur face; fuck everybody else i'm sure u (Still!) look beautiful. underneth we all look like this.

peace and carry on the the good work
stay chipper !

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

My comment notifications haven't been working either; Hmmm.


*hug*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hmm, must be an LJ glitch, bah.

*Hug*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for taking the time to write all that ^^ Like I said before, it means a lot ('though I'm going crazy trying to figure out who you are! I suppose it doesn't really matter...).

I wonder if any will help, as I've tried so many things, but I guess I just have to keep trying for the 'right' one. I guess it'll all fall into place eventually.

[(Anonymous)]

JESUS CHRIST HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY FUNCTION IN DAILY LIFE WITH THAT SPELLING?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Given that they have a grasp of some fairly decent vocabulary, I'm guessing that either this is just their 'style' or a clever way of hiding who they are ^^; It remains legible to me, though, which is all I really care about :)

[(Anonymous)]

That sort of shit would give me a headache to keep up that level of disguise.

Anon is anon is anon is anon.

[ziggyshadowdust.livejournal.com]

Well I'm sure glad you're alright. Aye as long as your physical appearance returns to it's good old self, we wouldn't know anything had happened. Keep on flying, eh? *hugs*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I shall! ^^ *Hugs* Thanks :)

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're feeling better. And seeking counseling will be a very good thing.

A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control

This sounds more like you are trying to convince yourself. Thinking they are simply going to put you on more pills is a bad assumption. They might take you off or even put you on different ones. As anonymous already said: "mate, if ur pills arent working, change them."

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid constant medication will only mess me up more and not tackle the route cause of all this, but we'll see... I hope there's another more permanent route anyway.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I sort of tend to agree. Drugs can be good for some people (I know some who do need them and are a lot better on them). But if you don't feel like you need them, honestly, you probably don't. Drugs are sort of a patch-up for chemical stuff your body can't fix... but if you can fix it with some actual!therapy and stuff, you may not need 'em. They're more something for when you're at a loss and your body really can't produce its own stuff the normal way, I think.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who's done this before, I really agree that you're fine.

And I think we do need drama in our lives, to a certain extent. Something in us aches for the sweeping skies, aches for a sense of epic belonging, aches for a world where things feel Big. Always has. Why did we create fantasy, if not because at the core of every soul lies the desire to be shaken by the world around us-- not so much that we are destroyed, but enough that we are continually reminded of the importance and wonder of life, our loved ones, the world at large?

We just need to learn how to handle that desire. How to act on it positively, how to channel it into things that actually get us somewhere. Giving into the impulse to express it in more immediately accessible ways is only human, and I don't think it's as crazy as people make out. But obviously, it's not a very useful pattern, and channeling that energy elsewhere is a good idea.

I think there's a lot to be said for CBT. I've heard very good things about it, and ultimately it can't hurt. Some drugs are good, some drugs are bad, sometimes you need them, sometimes you don't, and it's really up to you to work out a good place on that spectrum; but CBT is always worth a stab.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's good to have someone reaffirm that my calmness about all this isn't too misplaced XD Yours was a refreshingly laid-back attitude amidst all the 'hospital, NOW!' cries of everyone else who I stupidly scared with my silly drama ^^; It's all self-discovery in the end, and I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else in the end. I'm just the kind of person who freaks out a lot and goes a little crazy sometimes ^^;

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've just... been there, done that, since then noticed versions of the urge arise in a variety of ways (some of them positive), and have basically done enough self-reflection to go... yeah, it's not the end of the world. It is indeed self-discovery; your body's your own, and as long as you feel okay, who can cast judgment on how you choose to explore its limits? Obviously if you think you're really not okay, then you're not, and I don't want to sound like I'm encouraging you to irresponsible behaviour-- but I think you have a fairly good handle so far on where you're at emotionally.

I remember when my mother died, people assuming that I "had" to be repressing my upset feelings. Not really; I was relieved because she'd been suffering for two years with an increasingly debilitating mental and physical condition, and I was glad to see her finally at rest. Don't let people assume how you should feel about stuff. It's good to keep tabs on how you feel about it; it's good to seek help if you feel bad about it. But I feel like you're fine. Your calmness seemed similar enough to how mine tends to be when I'm up to something odd that people are telling me I "should" be upset over, soyeah.

[chocomookielove.livejournal.com]

Cool story bro.
Seriously though I think you still need to talk to somebody about why you really did this.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

NO U.

I will, I will. >_>

[chocomookielove.livejournal.com]

For the record I do plan to try and get myself checked out sometime after Christmas (so I don't ruin my family's holiday) because I've been having dumb thoughts ever since my stupid dog ran way forever and/or died.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, sheesh... I'm sorry. I hope you get some help too. I still cry over my dead cat sometimes and that was years ago @_@

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Ah, glad you're feeling better today. :). I'll admit you had me a bit worried back there, but time'll heal the wounds, and grow the hair you lost too. ^^;;

Should have your package sent off around Monday lunchtime. Sorry it can't be sooner. I'm putting in it a couple of things you might find useful for some R&R (also something portable which you will probably like the name of XD).

Also, whilst I'm no qualified counsellor, you can pretty much bug me any time, and I'll see what I can do to help ya out. Even if all I can do is listen (read?), that's still worth something, right? ^^;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, Jade, thanks ^^ I can't wait to see what's in it!

I really appreciate your offer of letting me offload on you, especially since I know you've had some less-than-stellar times lately too :) So, y'know, you can talk to me too if you need to.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Hey, we all have bad days. :) I think I'm just the kind of person who thrives on helping others, strange as it may sound. ^^;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

While I'm still kind of worried that you might need medical attention, I also realize that at times I've had a nasty tendency to treat you like a child, instead of an adult that can make your own decisions. So I'll try to have faith that you're doing the right thing.

I didn't want to say this before, because it didn't seem appropriate, and I figured it would be creepy, but, well...From your description of the temporary euphoria that you described a couple days ago, I felt a sort of peace from it, too.

What I mean, is...Usually I associate you strongly with Tails(All versions, even if you identify mainly with the DIC model Tails). This time, you reminded me, for the first time, of the Tails Doll...but it didn't feel wrong, oddly enough. Usually I think of the TD as this scary, indifferent, grinning face that's only thinking of causing harm, but you made me see it, and you, in a different light.

In other words...you, well...It sounded like you were genuinely happy when you had your "episode," but it just sounded "fake" when you were talking to Jei...I know you scared her, and you had a breakdown after-wards, but, as you seem to be implying in your latest entry, maybe it wasn't so bad after all...Maybe you were just acting in a way that was healthy, but scary on the surface.

I'm not sure any of that made sense...But I guess the gist of what I'm saying is that maybe you don't have to be afraid or ashamed of this side of yourself. Maybe you can have fun with it, making your physical or emotional scars a symbol of pride rather than shame. A kind of "happy goth," maybe.

My apologies if that tangent I went on was creepy. I figured you needed to hear something more upbeat, hopefully I wasn't wrong.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Heh, Tails Doll XD ... That's kind of awesome. O_o Wooooo....

I'm not sure that I want to embrace my lunacy into an essential part of my being; I'd rather distance myself from those extremes if possible because my addictive personality means that I could easily become addicted to that rush the way people do with drugs (endorphins are a drug, if self-made, after all). But I don't have to scare myself shitless over it or hate myself for it either. Just gonna learn to train it into something more creative and less destructive.

I wanna draw psycho!Tails Doll now >_>;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure that I want to embrace my lunacy into an essential part of my being; I'd rather distance myself from those extremes if possible because my addictive personality means that I could easily become addicted to that rush the way people do with drugs (endorphins are a drug, if self-made, after all). But I don't have to scare myself shitless over it or hate myself for it either. Just gonna learn to train it into something more creative and less destructive.

I'm not sure I'd call it lunacy...it might just be something that seems crazy or scary because of societal pressure. Still, it seems like you're taking a reasonable, moderate stance on it.

I wasn't sure how you'd react to the Tails Doll thing, but I'm glad you took it as a compliment of sorts.^^

[(Anonymous)]

Of course there's a chance you'll get sectioned.

You're self-harming and clearly mentally unstable. You need to be assessed and -- if needed -- sectioned. Better a few weeks being monitored in a hospital than next time slashing your wrists. If you don't want to end up killing yourself (as you said above), then do what you know you need to and don't pussy about with the whole stubborn bullshit about "no way they're not sectioning me *whiiiiiiine*". You need help.

And the fact your mother called this "acting out" is disgusting and just makes her look like a shit parent who is trying to ignore the fact that you have something seriously wrong upstairs. Your mom is not a doctor nor a therapist, so her opinions on ideal therapies for you are invalid - and saying you're "acting out" just makes it look like she doesn't want to have the stigma of a mentally-ill child. Which is pathetic.

Go to the doctor, or a shrink. You know. Somebody ACTUALLY QUALIFIED. Discuss your options with THEM.

True facts are so true they should be front-page news on the IHT.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm calling myself 'acting out', not her. I know I won't kill myself. I may be a pussy and a drama queen, but I'm not truly suicidal.

I have mental health problems, I'm aware of this. But I don't think this is a true crisis... just a glitch and doesn't need 'proper' attention. I can fix it myself or with a little low-grade assistance.

Sectioning me would be a huge waste of tax-payers' money.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I really don't feel that "pussy" or "drama queen" apply to you. Those words imply that one is either worthless or that one's suffering is meaningless, and I've seen nothing from you that suggests those terms are appropriate.

My apologies if my tone is rough. I hope you understand what I'm getting at, though.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Eh, I can admit my flaws. I don't think that I'm a dangerously ill individual or that special services need to be invoked. Heck, most of the stuff I do is FAR more mundane that what a lot of celebrities do all the time. I'm hardly the first angsty primadonna to cut off their hair and go all Linkin Park for no apparent reason. Dim the lights, I'm done, I'm going home XD;;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Oh no, no, I wasn't suggesting that you're ill or need special care, my apologies if it came across that way.^_^;; It's just that I mean you don't have to feel angry or guilty for feeling the way that you do.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

And when I said "angry," I meant at yourself, heh.^^;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I know, I know ^^ I'm just saying that I can admit when I've been a silly little drama queen and that I blew a relatively mild thing into a big end-of-the-world scenario and got a bunch of people worried... so of course I feel rather guilty ^^;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Oh, okay, I understand, now, thanks Jai.^^ Hope you're feeling better, over all.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I am, I think so. It's just a matter of mind over matter in the end.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. You seem to be getting better at figuring yourself out, so that seems like a good sign.

[(Anonymous)]

yo m8 dont feel guilty,
its important to realise the effect our actions have on others
but imposition of guilt helps no one, natural as it might be
we know wat ur like, and we know harm and intent to exit are very detached
one is communication or coping, the other (is a fuck you? lol) nah the other is far different

just continue to be as honest as u r and we hav no frthr reson to wry do we?

all of our bodies, and our brains work against us, and as we tend to our exterior, tend too the grey matter

plz though, get ur medication reassessed. we're all awareof the blackbox warnings.

stay chipper fella

[(Anonymous)]

You've misread the meanings of the way I used those words. Thanks, pal.

"Pussying around" as in, she is posting on LiveJournal about the fact she has mental problems - but won't go to see a doctor.

"Drama queen" - she is posting on LiveJournal about the fact she self-harmed and keeps talking about it rather than GOING TO SEE A DOCTOR.

[(Anonymous)]

You slashed yourself in the face and thought it was a good idea. Glitch or not, you need to see a doctor, not surround yourself with "oh, but you'll be okay next time!" LiveJournal people. Speak to a PROFESSIONAL, not the internet.

[(Anonymous)]

Addendum: You recognize that you have mental-health issues - good. But nothing good comes from self-medicating. To use an extreme example, the schizophrenics who end up taking a gun on a group of kindergarten kids or people in the McDonalds line - those people were self-medicating, or just not medicating at all.

Of course I'm not saying that you'd do something like that, but when it gets to the point that you slash your arms and face - and then slash your face AGAIN cause it didn't match the other side - then yeah, something is bugging inside, and it's not just a one-day fritz.

You clearly thought it was a good idea at the time to cut yourself to that extent. The next time, you might think it's a good idea to something worse to yourself.

That is why you need to talk to somebody. Not because OH MY GOD YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKIN GONE UPSTAIRS. Have some respect for your loved ones and friends and get yourself some help, even if it's just a call to one of the hotlines, or new meds. As I said to the other anon - your actions do not only affect yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

m8 u do us all anonymous posters a disservice.

u're like some cat who was poked with sticks wen it was a kitteh, bitter and will lash out. tainted perhaps.

u clrly hav no understnading nor experience dealing with issues of mental health. in fact i wud go as far as to suggest that you, suffering now from what ever deficiency, or inadequacy makes u feel u need to attack(!) some one who by their own admission, is down, that lol u shave ur chest or something, i can imagine that? or u one of them hiders behind slap? the beauty is ur problems are by flawed thought process: nemo malus felix


well done. fortunately, we can all ignore ur maligned ideas, probably, how people ignore u usually. somepeople are what they are, you are what u do and is not normal for a people who understand what they are to feel the need to push others down.

like cats slipping off a table, we are all grasping on the cloth to stay on top. ultimately we'll all fail, but ppl wont laugh at us wen we fall. we just think ur a cunt.

mate, ur pathetic grow sum balls or get that penis enlargemnet

peace & fucking believe

we are all allowed to fumble on our way forwards

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, first off, learn to spell - or at least stop with the disguised writing. You do anonymous posters a disservice by writing like that.

Secondly, way to resort to personal attacks - and sexist ones at that. Shaving my chest? Penis enlargement? Hiding behind make-up? Nice one. Way to take the moral ground. Grow up if you're going to try to take me on.

Thirdly, I'm not bitter at all and no idea where that came from. I'm worried that somebody is SLASHING AT THEIR OWN BODY WITH SHARP OBJECTS and then saying oh, I don't need medical help.

Clearly, they DO, and that's what I'm sure people would rather their taxes go towards, rather than two failed wars.

And "fumbling on forwards" is selfish; our actions do not only affect ourselves.

If you honestly think this is an attack, you clearly don't read what some of the other anonymous posters write on this journal. That is attacking. This is just somebody dropping the bullshit and stating some facts - flyboy_fox needs help, and she is not going to get it from LiveJournal.

[(Anonymous)]

yeh sry m8 was out of order i agree with u, gt far too on the defensive but we get lts of maligned advice, especially wrt self harm

wen we write these reprts of self harm, we well know what we shud be doing, and it is a gr8 advantage 2b able to commit these thoughts without unhelpful advice

my mhp was not concerned with selfharming, but instead suicide, and the two are rarely connected but are comorbid

yah sry fella, respect.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, yes, yes, to all of this. You need help, Jai. Real help, from real doctors and real psychiatrists, not to sign onto LiveJournal and seek reassurance from Dr. Internet. People are worried about you for a good reason. You may not think you need help, but you do. Alcoholics don't think they need help. Sociopaths don't think they need help. Do you understand? You have a problem.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't really think so. I had a little spaz, I ranted about it in my LJ, I feel better now. I'm healing already and I know my own limitations even if I push them sometimes.

I'm sorry (and feel guilty!) to have concerned people, but I really am okay and am going to BE okay.

I'm seeing the college counsellor next Thursday, for whatever good that might do, but I am honestly fine.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you're going to see a counselor. Even if you don't want to seek help for yourself, at least, do it for your girlfriend. No one wants to see their loved one going through something like that, wondering when it's going to happen again, or if they'll find you dead next time.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I will never kill myself. That's a promise.

[(Anonymous)]

Also, the fact that in your initial post you railed against the fact that you "hate" bad therapists and want them to "fuck off" when they try to help you really clouds your argument.

So think I'm a cunt if you want -- at least I'm a cunt that's right.





Amusingly, my ReCAPTCHA was "the misfit". I feel that's somehow appropriate.

[(Anonymous)]

yeh lol that was kinda fitting :)

my distaste for cbt is arises from my disagreement with the approach that underlying physiological conditions can be treated with what is effectively double thinking ur self better.

lots of us have suffered issues of mental health, manifest in 1way or another throughout our lives that is us suffers of chronic illness. unearthing the memories over negative events that happened in the past is counter-intuitive, since the detail of events are often un-releted to why we feel bad, and they only serve to remind me, starkly of how bad i felt then, and that bring me down further. i remember thinking to myself, "all they do is dwell on how bad I felt, and do not help alleviating the feelings in the futr". i write off much of cbt, because many psychiatric diseases are physiological and require pharmacological strategies for their treatment.

yeh m8 i apologise again for being a prick earlier