#Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be...#

[flyboy_fox]

Caution: Really spazzy post follows. Jai is not emo-ing, btw. Just... fucked up?

Today, in a fit of... something... I cut all my hair off and slashed my face and arm repeatedly with a blade. Not in an emo angsty way... just very very calm. During a giddy period of feeling, well, 'high' I guess and really cheerful and giggly and strange for a few hours... and then suddenly went into a total crash into dead-zone, crying and feeling too heavy to move for several hours, until Jei finally coaxed me to eat something and I now feel kinda normal again.

I felt separated from myself the whole time. Pain was a strange and interesting sensation but didn't really 'hurt', and my reason for cutting my hair and slashing my skin was simply 'why not?'. The high during my mania was odd... Jei said I seemed like a mannequin, uncanny, 'fake' in my happiness like it wasn't real, even though it felt real. She said I seemed very distant, like I was in another place, even when I was directly responding to her. The fall happened instantaneously, like the bubble burst and suddenly a pit opened up beneath me with spikes at the bottom and I was impaled on them. All I could do was cry.

Now, I feel like myself again. Jei's been a rock for me and now she's gone to get us some dinner and I'm left looking back at my day with a strange scientific curiosity, and at my jagged uber-short hair and the gashes on my cheek and arm, feeling like someone else did them to me.

Curioser and curioser... down the rabbit hole she went... What was in my glass? (And no, I've drunk nothing but water all weekend... drink isn't to blame).

There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it:

Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be

Dig it up, throw it at me
Dig it up, throw it at me

Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?

Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written on my chair

Like: do you think I'm sexy
Do you think I really care

Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so

Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so

Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind...

Comments

[bandazgeek.livejournal.com]

You mind if I hug you forever?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Feel free ^^; ♥

[bandazgeek.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sletia.livejournal.com]

You need psychiatric help. And no, I don't mean it in a rude way. I'm serious.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah. You're probably right.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Just for the record, before my depression was treated I hurt myself as well. It's definitely a sign of major issues that need professionals to assess.
I know there's a common hatred for medication and therapy, but I am now able to function rather than before when I'd be sitting in my room clawing at my skin, drawing morbid pictures and planning how to kill myself. The feelings of hopelessness, "I just can't deal with ANYTHING!", the manic moments of laughing at your own insanity.. it can all be fixed.
Get help. You'll feel so much better. Trust me.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure who I can get help from; waiting lists for the NHS are so long. But I guess I could try talking to the college's counsellor as a start...

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. Hopefully the counselor knows who to contact. Thing is around here all you have to do is let a doctor know you're a danger to yourself and they'll assess/put you in a program right away.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm sure they see it all the time. When I overdosed last year, they couldn't wait to see the back of me XD I'm not sure they'll take me seriously, and I'm not sure if they should. There's more serious problems for them to spend their time/money on :P

[(Anonymous)]

I hope you won't think I'm being hateful, because I'm really not, but you need serious help. Now. You are getting physically dangerous. You're hurting yourself now, and that's fucking awful in and of itself, but what's going to happen when you progress to the point that you're trying to hurt other people, Jai?

Please. Get help.

Please.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's hateful at all.

I won't hurt anyone else. I've only ever directed it at myself. But I know that can be hurtful enough by itself.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I agree that you could do with some help, though I don't feel as panicked about this as some people seem to. To me, it sounds like manic depression, which is a good thing to get treated for.

That said, I'm not into writing off every weird experience, even shocking ones and ones that are harmful to yourself, as always the worst thing ever. You're not hurt to the point that your life has been at risk; if you don't mind scars (and hey, facial scars are kind of cool!), this doesn't have to be the worst thing ever. If it spirals you have to watch it, if it ever threatens to harm someone else that's not cool, if it starts hurting you in ways you don't like then you want to get treated-- all of that is true. But I also don't think it's anything to faint and wave smelling salts at. It's an experience. We live to have experiences. You can treat it as something interesting to observe and calmly go take care of yourself, or you can freak out; and it sounds like you're doing the former, which is good, but don't let others' panic push you into feeling worse about it than you have to.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks; you're extremely level-headed as usual :) I guess I'm not freaking out because I'm kinda used to my own craziness by now ^^;

[akimiahoshino.livejournal.com]

I've actually experienced similar states of mind to what you're describing, feeling like you're sort of "in the back seat" of your own mind. Was it like that? Still, even when I wasn't at the wheel, so to speak, I've been able to manage to keep anything dangerous from happening.

Jai, if you think there is ANY chance something like this could happen again, please see a counselor. If not for yourself, then for Jei. Speaking from experience, there's not a lot that's more painful than seeing self-destructive behavior in a loved one.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was kinda like that, and it's a state I'm fairly familiar with. It's not the first time, but possibly the worst.

[the-terrible.livejournal.com]

ACCCK!! Hey hey, don't do anything REALLY crazy, okay...? O.O

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'll try not to XP

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

The people who say that you need help are right. Whatever is happening is to difficult to comprehend without professional help. You need a proper diagnosis.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess ^^;

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that it's apparently nothing life threatening, but it's still the sort of thing you should have checked out, at least to be sure of what your condition is, if nothing else.

[kalium-kx.livejournal.com]

Actually before you even get help i'd suggest you settle down and think clearly on your philosophy and the road before you face the help..it should make things clearer and move thing faster and more efficiently so it'd be better in the long run..but maybe not in the short term..

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

::Nods:: Seems sound advice. I'll try.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Ooh geesh, I hope you're alright after all that. o-O

I would also recommend some help. Shame we don't live close, as I'd totally come and support you as I think I need a bit of help too. ^^;;

I'd certainly agree that settling down to think about things would be better before you go to get the help. Relaxing to do this may be best. If you don't usually do so, just have a one-off bath. Put in any of your favourite bubble bath, or a bath bomb or something (if you have none, I recommend something with lavender in it), close your eyes, lie back and just relax. I often find this helps me when I'm feeling a bit "BAWWWW" or "RAEG!" like. Take the time when your mind is relaxed to think things through... what's going on that makes you feel like this, and what you want to make better are probably a good place to start.

When this is all clear in your head, go see someone who can help. I'll be here in Wales rooting for ya and hoping you're all better soon. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think I'm still a little crazy today. I shaved off my eyebrows and now I look like some weird... alien. Heh!

[antthetitch.livejournal.com]

I was about to say something along the lines of 'I don't mean this in a horrible way but you need help' but it seems I'd only just be repeating what eveybody else has said here and I expect your getting sick of that.

My method of relaxing is usually reading, maybe a magazine or book, or even something online. It does often help to read about other peoples problems as it helps take your mind off your own. Talking to others can help to, maybe close friends and family. A college counsellor would be a very good place to start.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure that soon enough you'll look back at this and think "What the fuck was I thinking O_O"

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. Thanks.

[(Anonymous)]

Wait.

You took a knife to yourself and have clearly had some sort of mental breakdown, and she didn't even insist on taking you to the hospital? Or a doctor?

What the fuck. That's disgusting.

[(Anonymous)]

You deserve better than that.

[(Anonymous)]

And I'm not sure if you're going to read or reply to this, but hell, I'm just going to talk anyway.

1) Go to the doctor tomorrow. Not the college counselors, but the doctor or A&E. If not to ask for psychiatric help, then to at least get your wounds dressed and treated properly. You've cut yourself in the face. If that gets infected, it will scar more than it may already depending on the depth of the cut. Your arms can be covered, your face cannot.

2) Psychiatric help. You are in desperate need of it. Please try to find your local crisis team, who will put you in contact with a psychiatrist. Googlefu brought up this: http://www.nhs.uk/ServiceDirectories/Pages/Hospital.aspx?id=RDYCQ

I'm sure they can point you in the right direction, if not help you themselves. You're a previous suicide attempt who is self-harming. They have a duty to treat you, and treat you they will.

Alternatively, call the NHS or Samaritans. They have people trained to help you.

3) Seriously, what the hell was she thinking leaving you alone to get food after an incident like that? (what the shit was she doing just LETTING you do that?)

It's called a phone, and a pizza delivery service.






I am one of the occasional trollers on this journal. I am not trolling now. You need serious help. I hope that you do get it.

Please sleep well and safely and get yourself looked at tomorrow.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I didn't let her take me anywhere. Don't blame her. I told her I would be alright, and we needed food... we're too poor right now to order pizza so she picked up some cheap stuff from Tesco for a couple quid.

The cuts on my face are surface wounds. They're not incredibly deep. They might scar, I know, but they won't get infected.

Thanks for not trolling this.

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry, no. Blame is apt in this situation - you should not have been left alone.

I still think that you should a) get yourself looked at and b) talk to a psychiatric doctor. Your new post is still just as disturbing and you need medical help. Get off the internet and go to hospital. Do it now.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

I waited a few days before replying to this because this is really a sore spot for me.

I know everybody else has said it, but you need help. You need it now. Controlled cutting is one thing, but cutting in which you have no control is something completely different. And if your newest post is any indication, it's only going to get worse.

Please, go see a doctor.

[tragic-elegance.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'll be thinking of you. Please be careful. Get some food and some rest.