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flyboy_foxCaution: Really spazzy post follows. Jai is not emo-ing, btw. Just... fucked up?
Today, in a fit of... something... I cut all my hair off and slashed my face and arm repeatedly with a blade. Not in an emo angsty way... just very very calm. During a giddy period of feeling, well, 'high' I guess and really cheerful and giggly and strange for a few hours... and then suddenly went into a total crash into dead-zone, crying and feeling too heavy to move for several hours, until Jei finally coaxed me to eat something and I now feel kinda normal again.
I felt separated from myself the whole time. Pain was a strange and interesting sensation but didn't really 'hurt', and my reason for cutting my hair and slashing my skin was simply 'why not?'. The high during my mania was odd... Jei said I seemed like a mannequin, uncanny, 'fake' in my happiness like it wasn't real, even though it felt real. She said I seemed very distant, like I was in another place, even when I was directly responding to her. The fall happened instantaneously, like the bubble burst and suddenly a pit opened up beneath me with spikes at the bottom and I was impaled on them. All I could do was cry.
Now, I feel like myself again. Jei's been a rock for me and now she's gone to get us some dinner and I'm left looking back at my day with a strange scientific curiosity, and at my jagged uber-short hair and the gashes on my cheek and arm, feeling like someone else did them to me.
Curioser and curioser... down the rabbit hole she went... What was in my glass? (And no, I've drunk nothing but water all weekend... drink isn't to blame).
There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it:
Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
Dig it up, throw it at me
Dig it up, throw it at me
Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?
Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written on my chair
Like: do you think I'm sexy
Do you think I really care
Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so
Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so
Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind...
Today, in a fit of... something... I cut all my hair off and slashed my face and arm repeatedly with a blade. Not in an emo angsty way... just very very calm. During a giddy period of feeling, well, 'high' I guess and really cheerful and giggly and strange for a few hours... and then suddenly went into a total crash into dead-zone, crying and feeling too heavy to move for several hours, until Jei finally coaxed me to eat something and I now feel kinda normal again.
I felt separated from myself the whole time. Pain was a strange and interesting sensation but didn't really 'hurt', and my reason for cutting my hair and slashing my skin was simply 'why not?'. The high during my mania was odd... Jei said I seemed like a mannequin, uncanny, 'fake' in my happiness like it wasn't real, even though it felt real. She said I seemed very distant, like I was in another place, even when I was directly responding to her. The fall happened instantaneously, like the bubble burst and suddenly a pit opened up beneath me with spikes at the bottom and I was impaled on them. All I could do was cry.
Now, I feel like myself again. Jei's been a rock for me and now she's gone to get us some dinner and I'm left looking back at my day with a strange scientific curiosity, and at my jagged uber-short hair and the gashes on my cheek and arm, feeling like someone else did them to me.
Curioser and curioser... down the rabbit hole she went... What was in my glass? (And no, I've drunk nothing but water all weekend... drink isn't to blame).
There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it:
Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
Dig it up, throw it at me
Dig it up, throw it at me
Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?
Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written on my chair
Like: do you think I'm sexy
Do you think I really care
Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so
Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I don't think so
Where can I run to, where can I hide?
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind?
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind
Virgin state of mind...
