~Fight you to the end~

[flyboy_fox]

Haven't posted much in a little while. Winter depression is starting to take a hold, which predictably happens every year. I think it's been said that a majority of people (or at least a significant percentage) suffer from mood slumps in the winter months, especially when the evenings really start drawing in after the clocks go back. So... I'm trying not to complain too much. I'm sure a lot of folks are feeling like shit right now. I have no real reason to be down, so I'm going to try to just suck it up and get on with life - but hey, what good is my LJ if I can't use it to vent/whine a little?

I think I'm particularly sensitive to serotonin, or more specifically any variations in how much I get. This would make sense, given that I get migraines that seem to be tied into serotonin fluctuations, and I also have trouble with processing sunlight visually as part of a sensory integration issue I have (tied into the whole controversial autism/Asperger's thing). Finally, I take a low dose of an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or anti-depressant in layman's terms) to keep my 'depression' from destroying me. It keeps me level(ish) during most of the year, but I start flaking around October/November ever year without fail. However, I don't wanna up my dose because I don't want to rely on medication. I'd actually like to come off it, maybe over the summer next year, if I can.

God, I feel weird making a post about depression and disabilities and 'meds'. I feel guilty, as if posting about these things automatically qualifies me as an attention-seeking 'emo' or something XD Wah wah cry-baby go take your meds for your ass-burgers and BAWW sum'more etc. Lol.

So yeah, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Just rather low and unmotivated and a little scared about how I'm gonna pull myself together enough to get my act together at college and keep passing. Jei's going to a wonderful work-experience opportunity in London (or near, anyway) for two weeks very soon, which I'm SO happy for her about - she's spending two weeks at MiracleFX studios, who do the special effects for Doctor Who! I'm so jealous XD;; But yeah, I'm not really looking forward to being alone here for two weeks while my spirits and drive are so low. I can't afford to fall into bad antisocial habits again like sleeping all day or not attending classes. And of course, last year things got really bad with my flatmates and that was when I ended up in hospital after overdosing because I'm a reactionary idiot >_> This year, though, at least I'm in a nice home far away from bad flatmates and constant noise/idiocy.

In case you can't tell, I'm trying to give myself some sort of silly little pep-talk here ^^; Don't mind me.

Comments

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

I still feel that you should stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.

I mean, on the one hand, I apologize if I'm going too far in trying to play armchair psychologist, here.

But on the other, I'm speaking from my own experience. Every single stupid, assholish thing that I had to take responsibility for in the last couple years was caused by my inability to realize that I don't have to take the weight of the world on my shoulders and that it's okay to feel sad sometimes. Pardon my italics.

My point, Jai, is that up until recently, I kept needlessly beating myself up for being a "spoiled brat" who didn't deserve to feel bad about anything. And well, every now and then, I see you doing the same thing for roughly the same reasons.

It's good that you at least admit that the main problem is a chemical that you can't control, and that the medication is necessary.

But you can't keep feeling needlessly guilty. "Emo," "Ass-burgers," and "BAWW" are things internet trolls say. And trolls are bullies. People who have nothing better to do than try and destroy other people's lives for the fun of it.

You deserve to cut yourself some slack every now and then. You need to do that, because the more times you say "My suffering isn't big enough to be worth complaining about," the more you bottle up your feelings, and the more you unknowingly send yourself down the road to severe catastrophe.

I know I've been a tremendous jackass to you in the past, and I've probably never done anything for you that wasn't more in my interests than yours.

But I hope you listen to me. You don't have to suffer like you are. Not everything is your fault, and sometimes you just need to vent.

[kalium-kx.livejournal.com]

You deserve to cut yourself some slack every now and then. You need to do that, because the more times you say "My suffering isn't big enough to be worth complaining about," the more you bottle up your feelings, and the more you unknowingly send yourself down the road to severe catastrophe.

What I've been trying to tell loads of ppl but it does'nt get through..

Like she said don't bottle it up and let it out..and look forward to a new day and be proud of what you can do and accomplish to give you that extra spring in your step in your path towards the future..

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

Have you tried this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Light_therapy#Seasonal_affective_disorder

McGee: Trolls -> Norse myths -> Vikings. Need we say more?