Insomnia

Does anyone on my friends list have any prior experience of prescription drug withdrawal and associated insomnia/sleep disturbance issues? Because I am kinda getting to my wits' end.

Here's what's happening every night AND any time I try to nap in the day:

- I lie awake for ages before I can sleep. I can only sleep if I'm completely exhausted and pretty much passing out.

- I finally fall asleep. I sleep normally for two, maybe three hours. Normal dreams. Normal sleep. All is okay.

- It starts. My dreams begin to turn against me, slowly at first. For example, I find myself lost, unable to get home.

- I wake up suddenly. I believe myself to be fully awake. I look at the clock and see the time. I lay back down and close my eyes. Suddenly I'm fast asleep again.

- The dreams get worse. Now I'm sick or faint or bleeding and no one will help me. Again, I wake up suddenly. I can't sit up or move. I know that if I close my eyes, I'll instantly be asleep again.

- Now in my dreams I'm frozen too. I can't move. I feel terror. No one will help me. I wake again, still frozen, and I try to yell for help. I try to call for Jei, to tell her to help me wake up properly, but I can't force more than a horse squeak out of my throat. I don't want to fall asleep again, but the moment I close my eyes I feel an almost physical tug yanking me back in there.

- I'm starting to get confused. Now when I wake up, I don't even know where I am at first and it takes me several seconds to remember that I live away from home and with my girlfriend now, not at home with my mum.

- Finally, I wake for real, after five or six 'fake' wakings that I can't pull out from. I lie there for a long time with my eyes wide open, not daring to close them or even move in case the dream forcefully pulls me back in. Eventually I sit up slowly and get up, feeling distant and strange.

The wakings are accompanied by odd obsessive weird thoughts, too. For example, this morning every time I woke up it was with a really strong feeling - a knowledge even - that I'm not 'real'. That I'm a fake version of me with false memories, and that I never actually lived the things I thought I did. The feeling plagued me all day, feeling distant and unreal and tearful, until I finally went back to bed after lunch. Then a whole new cycle started.

I'm afraid to go to bed now. But I can't stay awake indefinitely. So yeah... any advice/insight would help. I 'came off' the medication about 2 weeks ago.

Not sleeping + not eating = AWESOME IDEA Y/Y? ... >_>;;

10:00am! Well, that's one night down :D I'm not sleepy yeeeet but I'm sure I will be. I think two days is my record, so I can try to beat it maybe? I dunno. I'll crash eventually and it'll be the BEST SLEEP EVAR.

Anyway, I just noticed recently that I've put on weight again, more than before D: And I was doing so well! Now I'm nervous about going home in two weeks, because I know my mum will make me feel horrible about my huge 'tummy'. I can already hear her... "You're fatter than ever, I can't believe how fat you've gotten!" ;_; Wah. I know I'm no monster, but she just knows how to make me feel like a blubber whale for having a little spare around my middle. The sad thing is that comfort eating has kinda turned into crazy binge-eating lately. I think it might be partly another side-effect of the withdrawal because I've never been THIS hungry all the time with sudden ridiculous cravings (and before you ask, no it's NOT possible that I'm pregnant :P).

SO... what I am going to do is eat very very little, next to nothing, for the next two weeks and crash-diet these pounds off. YES I KNOW, that's no way to permanently lose weight... but I just need to shed nine or ten pounds or so before the end of the month (2 weeks). So... rye crackers, brothy soups, ratatouille, tuna salad from here until then. Maybe I can do with just one meal a day and plenty of cups of tea and occasional crackers to last the day out. Because I won't be able to go home if I'm 'fatter' than the last time my mum saw me. She will destroy me.

Jei is also right - I need to exercise. I literally haven't left the apartment in over two weeks, ever since I came off the medication. For a while there I was literally too dizzy and disoriented to go anywhere. But now I'm mostly fine, so there's no excuse. Gonna go out tonight with Jei to get some Magners for St Paddy's Day, then no more booze either for a long while.

But speaking of which!! Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh! Or, "Saint Patrick's Day blessings be upon you!" :)

I don't usually pay much heed to St Paddy's Day as I'm not Irish and it's not much of a big thing over here, but this year Jei and I are celebrating in honour of Jim and Doyler from our favourite Irish novel "At Swim, Two Boys". Also, when I found out that Glasthule from the book is right by Dun Laorghaire, I started thinking a lot about my best friend when I was little, Malachy. We were tight. But then his family moved to Dun Laorghaire when I was 9 and, after only one brief visit, we lost touch and I never saw him or the twins Timothy and Faedre again. So I'm celebrating in honour of Malachy and his family, too ^^

Now I think I'm gonna go play some Disgaea 3 for a bit - picked it up for £12 from GAME a few weeks ago after a recommendation from Urtheart at SSMB (he spent our train journey home from the Alton Towers VIP trip telling me about it) and it's weird but fun! ♥

Grateful! (Harmony, Harmony~)

This is kinda random and short, but I've just noticed recently that there are some really friendly and helpful Anons commenting on my posts lately. I have no idea how many different people there are, but judging from style I'm guessing (total guess!) at least two or three different people O.o

It just gives me hope, you know. Not all Anon are trolls, and even some who started out by trolling me eventually became friends, oddly enough!

I know I'll be trolled again eventually; I do kind of ask for it with how open I am about personal and weird stuff. But hey, I take comfort in the fact that there's also nice enough people out there who read my silly LJ without the intention of mocking it.

I may have no idea who you are or where you know me from or whatever, but a heartfelt thanks for putting up with and assisting this silly and confused random person-on-the-Internet :)