Lame. Lame. LAME.

[flyboy_fox]

I got my grade back for my first assignment today. 63%. Now, 40% is a pass, so it's a safe pass, but... I can't help feeling really disappointed. I thought I'd done better than that. I know, I know... this is university degree-level work and virtually no one scores amazingly on their first assignment. I just feel like I should have done better! What's wrong me me? Maybe I'm just stoopid or something, rrrrargh.

Anyhows, fun happy picture post about Sonic Unleashed thingymabobber coming v. soon. In the meanwhile, you can read about it in this =SSMB= post here:

http://www.sonicstadium.org/board/index.php?showtopic=35955

There's a pic of me there too. 3rd pic, wearing a green Sonic tee and a lanyard, playing Unleashed. No idea who took that or when O.o Haha.

Oy. I wish I knew which direction I want to take my life (realistically). I envy Jei, because she knows what she wants to do... design and make models/figurines. Me? I don't know. So many fragmented ideas, but so much apathy towards everything I've tried. Only ever feeling 'right' when I'm indulging the fantasy side of my brain. I seem to fail at everything I touch because none of it 'speaks' to me... and I feel empty, and then I sink into depressions.

I wish I could capture that spark and find something that drives me. I don't want to believe that I'm a complete failure or just a spoilt brat. I want to believe that I just haven't found 'it' yet.

It can't be right for a person to sleep 16 hours a day and be aimlessly moping the remainder. What drives people to get out there? Where do people find the 'get up and go' that keeps them motivated even when it's the same old grind each day?

I wish I could shake off the apathy and reluctance I have to participate in the world. Is it just a state of mind that I'm tired all the time and that I don't want to do ANYTHING?

I wonder if Winter Depression has got me again. *Sigh*

Comments

[pixellatedcake.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you might have depression! You need some sunshine. *hug*

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It could be... although I already take anti-depressants which are supposed to eliminate that. Sunshine sure sounds nice though.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Usually, I'd try to say something peppy and inspirational right now.

It's clear to me that would not be appropriate for this situation.

So...I'll say that...however far you may fall into despair, Jai...I'll still think the best of you. I hope you do pull through, but how I personally feel about your worth has nothing to do with whether you do or not.

And, well...I guess I don't really show it, and I'll admit that I've been gradually growing a lot more optimistic about my own life in the past year...I have felt the same feelings you're having right now, Jai, many times. Not to belittle your suffering, but...to just let you know that...I understand. I understand what it's like to feel crushed under the weight of guilt, apathy, and a world that oftentimes seems meaningless. And, well...I've at times felt the same kind of envy towards my boyfriend that you're having towards Jei.

I may be making progress, but...It wasn't through sheer determination, Jai. I am in no way better than you. I just...was lucky for some reason...to have...something in me pushing me forward that I can't explain.

I'll try to hope that you were lucky enough to have that something too, Jai.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're building up confidence and optimism, Blazey ^^ That's good to hear.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Jai, that means a lot to me.^_^

I guess all that passion inside me counts for something.^^

[the-terrible.livejournal.com]

I WANT THAT SHIRT.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

It's from (what used to be) SegaWorld in Japan. I got it from Andy Squirrel when he decided to go insane and sell a bunch of his rare Sonic stuff XD

[the-terrible.livejournal.com]

It is TOTALLY AWESOME.

[rainsingingwolf.livejournal.com]

I've been there before, many times. I was doing the same thing I'm doing now for another company last year, but I had such a hard time getting up and going to work. I know some things that are different from that company to my current one, but...it was still the same job.

Even now I sometimes have problems getting motivated in the morning, even though I like my job. The daily grind is sometimes hard to get past.

But I'm sure you'll find your things eventually. If you had asked me in high school what I wanted to do, it certainly would not have been computers. I hated them!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Nods* Wise words. I guess when it happens, I'll just know.

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about the dissapointment with the assignment, the Unleashed event looked freaking awesome though!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Leon. It means a lot, especially when I know how tough things are for you right now.

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

Well about the assignment..
It's not only about what you know or how smart you are that makes you get a good grade, there is also a factor that is for the most part dependant on your teacher.

Every teacher has it's own opinions on HOW to write something down, regardless of whether or not you have the complete answer in your head, they also want you to write down all that in a way they think shows you understand it truly.
At least here I have a teacher whom gets more strict the further you get towards a full 100% score.
Here you need at least a 55% to pass, but if you already have a "passing grade" then she suddenly holds no qualm to enter super critic mode and simply pick out whatever little mistake she finds. Sometimes so far as just a different way of writing it down/getting your point across.
With the first test I did for my study in molecular life sciences I also only got a 7,2 (72%), seeing I was aiming to go for Cum Laude (means above 80% on average for all separate semesters) I really wanted to get an 80% or above.
There also was no resit for it, so I got stuck with a very small margin below the 8,0 at the end of the semester on average... The first mark was to blame primarily for this..
However, the stupid thing was that I knew just about all the answers! I was certain I knew them, and after reviewing the test afterwards by request I only came to the conclusion I simply did not write it down how she wanted or sometimes not elaborate enough.
As we got all open answers here in the exam after all..no multiple choice.
It's really stupid you can get marked down so easily sometimes, even if you know all the answers..

Well at least you can't feel too bad about your mark in any way, it's still very good!
And I'm certain it's a lot more about how you write things then actually not doing so well in general, it just how some teachers look at things some times.. :\

[helios-inferno.livejournal.com]

To continue :O

The whole thing about not having find your "thing" yet and wondering how others drive themselves to go through the same routine every day..
Well, what can I say..
I dislike routine myself a lot as well, especially if a specific pattern keeps being repeated over and over I get bored and may start to daydream. Sort of go into "autopilot" with the brain floating off to dream land or whatever other place I go too while simply thinking about random things.

It's a mayor reason I really aim to go into research, but even then you will soon see that some parts of doing the same tasks over and over again cannot be escaped completely.
But what drives me to go on even during those times is not the work itself, but the result I would like to see at the end.
For example, Western blotting is a very boring task to do... and I did it a LOT during one internship.
First you pour a gel (proteins are forced through the gel using an electrical current, with the gel making smaller proteins go faster through the gel then larger ones due to higher resistance), and after about half an hour you have the gel with proteins seperated in different sizes.
You transfer the proteins from the gel to a membrame of Nitrocellulose that binds the proteins, and use an electrical current again from a different position to transfer them to the membrame.
Simply put: pour gel, load samples, run gel and transfer proteins to a piece of Nitrocellulose.
Well afterwards you can use the membrane to detect different proteins on by using antibodies directed to specific proteins on the membrame, and a special group that gives off light in order to detect where or if there are proteins.

But without more details, it's really boring to do all that.. and if you need to repeat the whole things for about 20-25 times in a week you would probably be going mad...
However, i survived it because I also think of what I want to acomplish.
I was looking for a specific (auto)antibody only found in Alzheimer patients and not in any other patient with a similar autoimmune disease or healthy individual.
This was a very hard task, as I was using all the antibodies found in blood sera against a blot of Alzheimer and normal brain tissue.
If you can find one you could create a diagnostic tool to detect Alzheimer very early and thus be able to treat people at a much earlier stage, which may even prevent the onset of the disease from getting worse. So all in all, you have a very nice goal in mind even if the task is very difficult.
You use the same technique a load of times, but in this case also change small things to increase specificity and resolution. You constantly try to solve problems, and every time you try to improve to get that one result you want.
In the end I did not get to find anything, but that's research unfortunately..

I cannot make you see what I do, or make you as enthusiastic about a result of an experiment done or anything, but simply the attempt to do something with a purpose to make the world at least that tiny little bit better for others keeps me going. Even if it's only just that little more light on a subject through means of fundamental research, or finding that your hypothesis or that of someone else was incorrect..It all can still help in ways you may not always see yourself.
I know that research is different from some other jobs people may have, but that also is because others have a different view on their purpose.
Some find enough enjoyment they work for a big company they believe in, or like the job itself..
I like my job, in itself, but in the end the hope to find new things and expanding both my own knowledge as that of the world is a much bigger motivation for me.
With the difficulties you face in terms of financing and writing articles all the time, you simply have to face as well.. but it simply is a personal choice as to what you find worth to pursue in the end.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Heh, trust Helios to have a long thoughtful reply :) Thank you for taking the time to write all of that.

You're right, I'm sure that once the pass-mark is achieved, the tutors become overly critical of having things presented EXACTLY the way they want them. And it's not a dire grade, especially for a first assignment. I just expect better from myself, that's all.

The career you're diving into always sounds so fascinating. Way too complex and confusing for me, but inspiring nevertheless! I'm sure I'll find my 'thing' eventually.

[capncloudchaser.livejournal.com]

Wow, that sounds exactly how my life has been going lately, including the disappointing uni essay I got back today, minus the Sonic community fun though :O

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess it's a plague of low grades and seasonal apathy :(

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Aww, shmoooo! ;_; 63% is an awesome first grade! I can only DREAM to get that kind of grade on my first assignment... I highly doubt I will. I know you hoped to get better, everyone does... but the fact is that that was a really good grade. I'm sorry you're so disappointed though...

As for the whole not having a direction thing... I know you'll find it. Whether through trying new things or through sticking something out, I know you'll get there eventually. I'm not worried one bit about the fact that you're still unsure. You'll get there...

I think maybe your winter downtime might be setting in a bit too... it's around that time, but I'm here for you and you'll get through this, shmoo!

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Blah, winter downtime... always finishes me off x.x Arggghhh.