Stage 3 - all the sagacity of packing peanuts?

[flyboy_fox]

Well, I got a grip this morning. At least, I think I got a grip. It's always hard to tell with me XD; But, yeah. I'm okay. Which is good news because I'm starting at Uni in a couple of weeks and I kinda need to be... not falling apart, lol. So yeah, Jai is A-OK. Whoo!

Started out by just... cleaning up my world a bit. Followed up from leaving TDZ by removing myself from some of the forums I was in. Mainly 'kin forums. I hadn't realized how many forums I was actually in until I did this. I feel... better now, I think.

Something Blazey said in her journal was really meaningful to me. She made it quite obvious that I'm... well... just me. That no matter what, I will always be me and I'll act like myself and that nothing I have ever said or done here has been any sort of pretence. That's comforting and really helps. It means I haven't changed and that I don't need to change. All I want is to be genuine, and now I feel that I am. If nothing else, at least I'm being honest to myself. I understand that comes across as gibberish since it makes far more sense in my head than on the page, but really, I feel tons better for have reaching this realisation.

I think Jei worries a lot whenever I have a 'crisis' that I'm going to try to change who I am or radically alter myself and my life in some way. I have no intention of doing anything like that. I think I'm just... clearing out the clutter. And learning to be content with the stripped down and basic content of who I am.

My first instinct was to BURN EVERYTHING. Disassociate myself from the Sonic fandom. Disassociate myself from Tails. Because, you know, it's terrible. I started feeling guilty for having anything in common with him. Getting pissed if anyone compared me to him. Wanting to rip up my LJ and make a new one with some completely irrelevant username like "tomatoonastring" or something. But THAT would be really daft.

So, I'm redeemable. This is good. I just want to find some good in MYSELF that I can genuinely say is mine. I lean on things too much. I leant on my association with Tails for a long time (well gee, people like Tails! I have Tails icons! They might like me! ... oh damn, now they only like me because they think I'm like Tails.) I've leant on Jei for even longer. I am quite clearly crap at doing things independently without a safety net. If I have merit I want it to DAMN WELL BE MY OWN and not a result of being associated with Jei or with Tails or being 'like' anything or anyone else.

I wonder if there's just an empty space where my personality is supposed to be. Because Tails is a 2D fictional game character and I've been hijacking his identity for ever. But if Blazey is right and that really is just... how I am, then damn XD There's not much to me.

Wow, stream of consciousness much? You could almost draw a chart of the ups and downs in this post. It would look rather like the Mendips.

Damn. Part of me really does NOT want to let go.

But you...
Why'd you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slo~w me down?

Edit: Ugh, I suddenly feel sick. Like, I really think I might throw up, sick. Fun. Peppermint tea time I think. Tea is the cure for all ills!

Comments

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I wonder if there's just an empty space where my personality is supposed to be. Because Tails is a 2D fictional game character and I've been hijacking his identity for ever. But if Blazey is right and that really is just... how I am, then damn XD There's not much to me.

I don't necessarily think that's true. Because a character is something fictional that isn't fully fleshed out, you extrapolate from them, right? Just because your base personality may be like Tails' doesn't necessarily mean you aren't more of a fully-fleshed-out person than a fictional character is. If you think about it, even movie representations of real people, like in true-to-life movies... they always present a flat, incomplete version of the person, because you can't present everything on screen. That doesn't mean the person who inspired that character (or in your case, perhaps, the person who is inspired by the character) is shallow.

Couldn't it just be that you share the same base personality traits? And that you attach(ed) to Tails because you see a very good reflection of those personality traits in you? That's not really strange, it's just that sometimes things happen to fit that way. That's how some people I know have been with their identities - the character just really describes them, but perhaps in a more ideal way, and so they feel they can see that person as a role model and a reminder of the things that are important in themselves and core to themselves, and things. Maybe instead of being "all that you are" and you not really being you, Tails is just a good reminder of what you already were?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Maybe. I guess that makes sense sorta? Except that I don't see Tails as a role-model. In fact, he irritates me sometimes and I wish I identified with a different character. 'Cause, come on, it's Tails ._.;; I'm surprised the fic'kin community didn't beat me into the ground.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

The fic'kin community wouldn't have any right to, really. I mean, what are they going to say, seriously, "It's perfectly all right for me to be [I dunno, insert some Naruto or Bleach character here], but you can't be Tails, that's so lame?" Talk about double standards.

But then, I strongly feel that when it comes to it, Otherkin don't really have that much room to talk about fic'kin, and furries don't really have that much room to talk about Otherkin. When it comes down to it, it's all variations on "I see something of myself/something that clicks with me/something that feels right to me in X, and that helps me make sense of myself better", spiritual stuff aside. At least, I think the main thing that makes it work for people is "I see something of me reflected in this and that's helped me with my life", as opposed to any woo-woo theories on where it all comes from. And I don't think that's strange, even if people have gone and distorted it in the worst possible way by running around shouting "omg u gaiz these ppl think their REALLY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS OH NOES". IMHO, they're the immature ones, not the people who get it and actually find it useful.

But, eh, tangent. ^^ I'm rambling on about this in part because putting it into words helps me make sense of a few things, so I hope it's not nugging you. The other part, mind, is that I want to see if I can present a different angle on these things to help you see things from both sides... and I hope that part's not bugging you, either. I just want to see if I can shed a bit of my own perspective on the matter, and hope it'll help.

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Also... do you have any objections if I post some of what I just said there on my journal? Not anything that refers to you personally, just the second paragraph. I think it's an issue I'd like to discuss with some of the other people on my friendslist too.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

No objection at all :) Thank you again for the reply... am reading and attempting to digest.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

If you want to disassociate yourself, don't burn, sell. Think of all the money you could make, that'd really help you out in Uni. :D Lol, joking aside... if there's anything you don't want, it is worth trying to sell it because extra money is always a good thing, especially with the student life and how tough it must be to budget.

Just wanna add, I don't see you as Tails, I see you as Jai. Jai is Jai, end of. And NOTHING can change that. :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Hah, I still haven't finished selling all my Pokémon stuff from my LAST big obsession n.n;

I don't really wanna disassociate from Sonic. I love Sonic. I think I always will. I just wanna... argh... I don't know XD;;

Maybe a frontal lobotomy would help.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

*had to look that up then* Ahh... would that really be necessary? :\

Seriously, I've watched your journal since that entry, with my fingers crossed that it won't be another depressing one. It worries me too when you get like that. D:

Catch-22, I'm guessing? You know, with the Sonic stuff. You can still like it without being seen as "weird". Nothing's wrong with a bit of fandom, after all. I often feel a bit idiotic whenever I'm caught in a conversation, and I know nothing about what the others are talking about. x-x Makes me feel uncool, or inadequate in some way. But, enough of that... XD

Okay, I'm completely at a loss for words now, so I'll just stop before I start rambling. XD

Raichu left speechless.

[teamrodent.livejournal.com]

TRod: AAAACK!

McGee::Brings out some Baileys.::

Favre: ^o¬_¬o^ You'd rather Koji have a bottle in front of he than a frontal lobotomy. Eh, rai-bro?

McGee: ^on___no^V

Re: Raichu left speechless.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

^_^V My University has a bar with pretty much that exact slogan on ("I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy") which was in fact what inspired my choice of procedure in the above comment XD

[sphix.livejournal.com]

*snuggles on the fox~* Well, Jai, we're the sum of our parts, and they only add up to one of us. However, that one of us is everything we are, be it personality or whatnot, and I have to say that one of Jai is equivalent to one full unit of awesome :3 So what if you hijack Tails' identity? People hijack identities all the time, and I'm not just talking about credit cards here. Like for example, someone with a fictional character like Batman as his hero might integrate some of Batman's personality traits into his own. Someone who idolizes a politician or musician will try to be more like them. So it's not a bad thing to try to integrate pieces of something else into you. Like upgrading a computer or something. XD

...wow, that made even less sense than I thought it did. I hope you get my general point, though, Jai XD;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

But Tails isn't my hero D: Sonic is. So why aren't I more like Sonic? xD;;

[sphix.livejournal.com]

I dunno! o.o Maybe you like Tails' personality more? Or maybe it fits better with your own personality.

XD I'll stop spouting about stuff I know nothing about, like the human mind~

[eclective.livejournal.com]

And it's not even like those bits are inherently someone else's and not yours, really. If you saw them and wanted to be like them and then lived them out, that's just the part of you that always would have thought that was a good idea anyway speaking. It's just that something else made you realise it was a good idea.

It's like... if I see Batman fighting crime, and I think "I want to fight crime!" and am serious about it and then go off to fight crime, it has to be because there's something in my nature that is predisposed towards thinking it would be a good idea to fight crime. I might not have thought of it before, because it just never happened to come up in my mind.... but if you're not a person who is naturally going to like fighting crime anyway, you're not going to be inspired by the crime-fighting part of Batman.

We're only really inspired by people who hold ideals that make something in us wake up and go "hey, I think that too!" It's not mimicking, it's realisation.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

That actually makes a lot of sense. I don't have to go so far as thinking about literal reincarnation... and maybe I should just be glad that I found a symbol of sorts to represent myself in the world :) I can be a "this-world Tails" without having to mean it quite literally in a reincarnation sense.

Epiphany, GET!

[eclective.livejournal.com]

Pretty much, yes! That's what I think anyway. It's like people who say they're dragons... whether they Really Are Dragons in some reincarnational sense or not, if they live in this world "as" dragons and find that symbol represents them... well, they're dragons. Maybe not Literal Fire Breathing Dragons, but the only kind of dragons this world has: people who found that that mythical symbol can represent them in some way.

Also, what aprilechidna5 said below. :)

Epiphanies are yay!

[aprilechidna5.livejournal.com]

"So, I'm redeemable. This is good. I just want to find some good in MYSELF that I can genuinely say is mine. I lean on things too much. I leant on my association with Tails for a long time (well gee, people like Tails! I have Tails icons! They might like me! ... oh damn, now they only like me because they think I'm like Tails.) I've leant on Jei for even longer. I am quite clearly crap at doing things independently without a safety net. If I have merit I want it to DAMN WELL BE MY OWN and not a result of being associated with Jei or with Tails or being 'like' anything or anyone else."

If I can try and put my tuppence in without coming across as rude? XD;; I can try to anyway!

The way I see it, the fact that you and a fictional character share qualities doesn't change the fact the qualities are yours too. You have those qualities because you have them, not because the character does. So even if the good points you see are elsewhere, they're still yours and your own identity, noone elses'?

Also boo to feeling ill DDD: Tea is a good pickmeup yes. ♥

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Tea is amazing. I think all the world's problems would be solved if everyone just sat down together for a nice cuppa D:

*Snugs on* <3

[leonskennedy827.livejournal.com]

I keep saying it Jai, you are who you are, whoever that may resemble, be it a real or ficticous person. That's all I have to say really, not much, but it says alot really.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Aww, well thanks Leon :) *Hugs*