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flyboy_foxWell, I got a grip this morning. At least, I think I got a grip. It's always hard to tell with me XD; But, yeah. I'm okay. Which is good news because I'm starting at Uni in a couple of weeks and I kinda need to be... not falling apart, lol. So yeah, Jai is A-OK. Whoo!
Started out by just... cleaning up my world a bit. Followed up from leaving TDZ by removing myself from some of the forums I was in. Mainly 'kin forums. I hadn't realized how many forums I was actually in until I did this. I feel... better now, I think.
Something Blazey said in her journal was really meaningful to me. She made it quite obvious that I'm... well... just me. That no matter what, I will always be me and I'll act like myself and that nothing I have ever said or done here has been any sort of pretence. That's comforting and really helps. It means I haven't changed and that I don't need to change. All I want is to be genuine, and now I feel that I am. If nothing else, at least I'm being honest to myself. I understand that comes across as gibberish since it makes far more sense in my head than on the page, but really, I feel tons better for have reaching this realisation.
I think Jei worries a lot whenever I have a 'crisis' that I'm going to try to change who I am or radically alter myself and my life in some way. I have no intention of doing anything like that. I think I'm just... clearing out the clutter. And learning to be content with the stripped down and basic content of who I am.
My first instinct was to BURN EVERYTHING. Disassociate myself from the Sonic fandom. Disassociate myself from Tails. Because, you know, it's terrible. I started feeling guilty for having anything in common with him. Getting pissed if anyone compared me to him. Wanting to rip up my LJ and make a new one with some completely irrelevant username like "tomatoonastring" or something. But THAT would be really daft.
So, I'm redeemable. This is good. I just want to find some good in MYSELF that I can genuinely say is mine. I lean on things too much. I leant on my association with Tails for a long time (well gee, people like Tails! I have Tails icons! They might like me! ... oh damn, now they only like me because they think I'm like Tails.) I've leant on Jei for even longer. I am quite clearly crap at doing things independently without a safety net. If I have merit I want it to DAMN WELL BE MY OWN and not a result of being associated with Jei or with Tails or being 'like' anything or anyone else.
I wonder if there's just an empty space where my personality is supposed to be. Because Tails is a 2D fictional game character and I've been hijacking his identity for ever. But if Blazey is right and that really is just... how I am, then damn XD There's not much to me.
Wow, stream of consciousness much? You could almost draw a chart of the ups and downs in this post. It would look rather like the Mendips.
Damn. Part of me really does NOT want to let go.
But you...
Why'd you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slo~w me down?
Edit: Ugh, I suddenly feel sick. Like, I really think I might throw up, sick. Fun. Peppermint tea time I think. Tea is the cure for all ills!
Started out by just... cleaning up my world a bit. Followed up from leaving TDZ by removing myself from some of the forums I was in. Mainly 'kin forums. I hadn't realized how many forums I was actually in until I did this. I feel... better now, I think.
Something Blazey said in her journal was really meaningful to me. She made it quite obvious that I'm... well... just me. That no matter what, I will always be me and I'll act like myself and that nothing I have ever said or done here has been any sort of pretence. That's comforting and really helps. It means I haven't changed and that I don't need to change. All I want is to be genuine, and now I feel that I am. If nothing else, at least I'm being honest to myself. I understand that comes across as gibberish since it makes far more sense in my head than on the page, but really, I feel tons better for have reaching this realisation.
I think Jei worries a lot whenever I have a 'crisis' that I'm going to try to change who I am or radically alter myself and my life in some way. I have no intention of doing anything like that. I think I'm just... clearing out the clutter. And learning to be content with the stripped down and basic content of who I am.
My first instinct was to BURN EVERYTHING. Disassociate myself from the Sonic fandom. Disassociate myself from Tails. Because, you know, it's terrible. I started feeling guilty for having anything in common with him. Getting pissed if anyone compared me to him. Wanting to rip up my LJ and make a new one with some completely irrelevant username like "tomatoonastring" or something. But THAT would be really daft.
So, I'm redeemable. This is good. I just want to find some good in MYSELF that I can genuinely say is mine. I lean on things too much. I leant on my association with Tails for a long time (well gee, people like Tails! I have Tails icons! They might like me! ... oh damn, now they only like me because they think I'm like Tails.) I've leant on Jei for even longer. I am quite clearly crap at doing things independently without a safety net. If I have merit I want it to DAMN WELL BE MY OWN and not a result of being associated with Jei or with Tails or being 'like' anything or anyone else.
I wonder if there's just an empty space where my personality is supposed to be. Because Tails is a 2D fictional game character and I've been hijacking his identity for ever. But if Blazey is right and that really is just... how I am, then damn XD There's not much to me.
Wow, stream of consciousness much? You could almost draw a chart of the ups and downs in this post. It would look rather like the Mendips.
Damn. Part of me really does NOT want to let go.
But you...
Why'd you wanna give me a run-around?
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slo~w me down?
Edit: Ugh, I suddenly feel sick. Like, I really think I might throw up, sick. Fun. Peppermint tea time I think. Tea is the cure for all ills!
