Status update, Cap'n?

[flyboy_fox]

I pulled my characters out of TDZ. I'm not sure if that's a sign of progression on my part or repression, but it feels like the right thing to do. I don't intend to 'announce' it in the OoC comm or anything because I'm not looking to gain proof that anyone cares etc and it would seem like an attention-seeking thing to do. But I felt I'd mention it because, well, I did enjoy my time there. But it wasn't my strong suit and I think I really do need to find something that I'm good at and where I can fit in more easily.

Hmm. Some of the things that several fic'kin friends have said to me today have given me pause... and made me smile a little. It was interesting, anyway. I'm sorry to have caused any of you concern and I really hope you don't feel cheated. Because that has never EVER been my intention. I am an honest person and would never intentionally mislead anyone. I think the only person I am truly guilty of misleading is myself.

But mainly I'm just... yikes. I'm blown away by the comments I got on my last post. I just had no idea that anyone would read the whole TL;DR and give such long and detailed replies! I feel bad... that must have taken time out of your days like whoa. But it meant a lot. I don't think that I have the mental capacity to go back and reply to every single point, but I DID read every single comment several times over, and I took all of it in. Friends are love, truly.

So basically, yeah, thanks guys n.n;; I feel wholly humbled and inadequate against the awesomeness that is all of you. Whoever says that online friends aren't 'true' friends is horribly mistaken.

Not sure where I'm going with everything just yet. I was considering an overhaul of my whole LJ and icons etc, but I know it's unlikely I'd ever actually DO it. We'll see. I guess I'm just restless and feel like I have something to prove - but I'm not sure what, hah.

Comments

[eclective.livejournal.com]

I really do not feel cheated at all. Not one iota. All I'm concerned about is that you're not cheating yourself.

To that end, so you know, I'll never push you to think one way or the other about yourself, because I think that you can only ever be happy if you're honest with yourself about who and what you are, and that's something only you can figure out, to quote a cliché.

But I do at least think you should give yourself space to breathe on this, because it sounds like thus far you've seen this all as a very useful construct while you were in a good state of mind, and now that you're having a stressful time of things and being forced to confront some upsetting issues, you're questioning all the things you built up while in that good state, from a state that might not be ideal and clear. I think that evaluations people make about themselves when they're in a poor mood tend to be wrong. Remember that depression is a mental illness, one that distorts your thinking, and if you're ever going to think things about yourself that aren't accurate it's while you're feeling down; not that I'm saying you're depressed necessarily, but I know you have expressed such feelings in the past, and if you're tempted to succumb to that sort of thing it may mean that when you get stressed and down you fall into periods of depressed thinking. (For the record, I speak as someone who's dealt with this in a number of my friends who are variously fic'kin, Otherkin, etc.)

Basically, what I think you should do is give it a bit of time, get back to an emotional level you're comfortable with, and evaluate whether the whole fic'kin thing is for you or not. If it still feels wrong, then don't hesitate to drop it. But if your only concern about it is that it's a "crutch" or it makes you "crazy", consider that some of the sanest people you know (most likely) have used that "crutch", assigning varying interpretations to it, and have had it really enrich their lives. It can be good or bad, depending on whether it's right for you. Find out whether it's right for you... but remember that you've no doubt already done a lot of thinking about this already, and you didn't come to this conclusion until you were stressed. Evaluate it from a clearer mindset. I think you'll get the answers you need either way.

Be well, Jai. Hope I could help. :) (And sorry for all the edits.)

[eclective.livejournal.com]

(For the record, this isn't just about being fic'kin, either. I'd say the same thing to someone who responded this way who'd previously identified as Otherkin, trans, genderqueer, polyamorous, or any other belief/lifestyle/way of being that isn't societally well accepted. I've seen the pattern a fair bit - someone who follows a non-standard lifestyle has a bout of self-doubt over something that shakes them up and starts deciding it's silly and crazy to think this way, goes "what was I thinking, I need to quit with these lies and get back to living in the Real World", while temporarily forgetting that a good, logical train of thought led them up to this point - and while I don't know if you fit that pattern, I thought it was at least my duty to present the "I've seen this story before" side of things.

I've just seen too many people throw away their headworlds, their comic books, their D&D paraphernalia, or whatever else they thought was childish or inappropriate for the Real World [and you think RL isn't made up of all different types of kooky successful people? Come to LA! We've got Hollywood!] in a fit of depression and then, a few days later, regret it. And I want you to think on this clearheadedly before deciding whether you really mean this, because I think either way, you'll be better off in the long run if you don't rush in.)

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Hey, what sort of a friend would I be if I didn't take the time out to make sure you're okay? :P

Also, meh, I don't feel cheated. It's a very important decision for you. So, Jade support, get. I'm here, not going to leave LJ, and damn well willing to help with anything you can think I can help with.

The truth bloody hurts, but don't forget I'm here to help pick you back up if you get down. I hate seeing you down like that. D:

Also, I'll admit I'll miss your characters. But hey, your choice, your decision, and I respect that.

All in all, be well, Jai, and sorry if this gets TL;DR like my comment on previous entry. ^^;;

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you read my reply to your previous post or not, since I made it kinda late, so let me repost what I wrote here:

"Aspergers doesn't mean broken. I have Aspergers and I'm certainly not "broken". Maybe "differently built" might be a better way to describe it. There's a lot of good to come with the bad in the condition. Spielberg and Dan Ackroyd been diagnosed with it. Tim Burton and Bill Gates probably have it. Andy Warhol, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Michaelangelo are thought to have had it. They certainly aren't/weren't "broken".

So you're done with all the fictionkin stuff because of all this? Well, I wish you luck no matter what spiritual path you end up on, but don't hate yourself for whatever issues you may have and please celebrate whatever strengths you have."

Hi...

[theleftclaw.livejournal.com]

Sorry if you don't want random posts from the failed RP'er, but... to coem clean, it was my stumling across your journal that lt me findit ithe fist place and I ust wanted to try it. I didn't pot in the other thread as I din't want you fel you have to reply r anything, but since yo've given a warning thast you irectly can't here*shrugs* On to the important matters;
I can understand easil how any kind of 'evaluation' can cause n identity crisis, I beieve in some stuff that most wold all quite severely odd and when I was locked up in a psych ward(I am not saying you're crazy or should be locked up ia psych ward, please dont misunderstand me ust givig an alogy in that they both involve evaluations, as I tend to identify with the psychiatric survivor movementI tend to feel the whole thing is BS anyhow) and it caused me a few years of hel. Now, to gve an attempt at the objective opinion that doesn't exist inany for in real life forsuch subjective beings as we all re but that relative strangersare magiclly suppoed to be able to give, I uppose since there is lss emoional involvement-bed on everythng you've stated iyor ournal and I read the whole thing one night, you e not in anysense a faikure. You've succeeded damn well at some things, you've mnaged to find love and hold a decent relationship for a fair period of time, you have moderated a few forums, you have held down adecent job sometimes-with my inability to find a job te last makes me lightlyenvious I must admi. You have shown someone who strugles but has a truly beautiull soul, whatever the origins of that soul and withspiriual maters please keep in mind that they are VERY personal, that noone has any right to critisise such a personal mtter and I dont feel can comment, excet that... I idetify as a dragon, and have had thestandard otherkin opinion on fic'kin for the longest tim but you were so rational about it that it made feel more respcet for the concet itself, while I before thougt it was about as unreasonable a concept as n be had but had a passig view that people can believe whatever they want and watevr my opinion I migh be wrong, and I felt in a way after reading about you that I was show to be justthat wrong. Speaking from my own identity crisis the only advice I can giv is kin of just tae step back, don't believe either way just logically analyse anything and everything you can, mabeme a list, etc but however it tuns out, don't feel bad about it. It hurts t see anyone w is obviously such a great person in pain, and it kind of renews my hatred of both psychiatry and the mess we call an educational sstem that such limited categories are used to try tscrew with people and that to get any help-when learning anything is a very individual thing ad o far as i'm concernedthey should give everyone whatever they need to help them learn rather than making them jump through hoops like you described If it helps, fel angry at them formaking you go to such lengths toget wht i yur just due anyway,ty to develop bit of an entitlement complex although it's a sign I uess of the type of person you ae that your response is gratiude. As another reason to not feel like a failure-yo're ging to university anyway even with such a brokn educatinal system in place, I droppe out in grade ten as part of my punk-narchist-I-won't-be-brainwashed-by-you-fools-even-it-ruins-my-life attitue, even tohugh it was good for my cual education as I tend to learn better on my own anyway. Feel free to ignore, sorry if this is utterly stupid but... yeah. Also, good on you for not leting yourself use your issues as an excuse, I see alot of pee doing that with all kinds of diferent labels and issues and it' always been something i've tried to avoid alot. May you find what you seek.

PS. Sorry for any typing issues, wil try to correct it if i's annoyig

PPS I've not felt comfortable about reading journals, it feels voyeuristic but then I figure that if it's public it mst be meant to be read. If you would prefer I didn't, could you say so. You don't have to make a substantial rply or anything, ust say "I wouldprefer you didn't read my LJ" an i'll stop, and I on't be atall offended or anything.

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

::tackle-hugs:: You are LOVED!!! A manies. -.- the people have spoken and so have I. See my icon? That's all that needs to be said.

[aprilechidna5.livejournal.com]

A-aww. ♥ I'll miss you over there, you know? But you should definately do what you want to do and if this is what you think is right, go for it.

Also I'm sorry, I never commented on your last entry did I? I did read it but as someone who's never really gone through... anything like that, I guess, I didn't want anything to come out wrong ^^; I think I'll just leave it at me giving you wellwishes and leave it at that lest I make an arse of myself.

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Whatever you decide to do, we're here for ya <3<3