Jun. 30th, 2011

flyboy_fox: (I has a sads ;_;)
So, I'm alone in my house again right now, because Jei's gone back to Bournemouth one last time... for her Graduation. It was the hardest decision to make, her going alone. Before all the cancer stuff, the plan was that my mum was going to drive Jei and I there and my mum and I would be in the audience in place of Jei's parents, who couldn't make it from over in America. But my mum, understandably of course, is in no fit state to drive all that way (it's about three hours in the car). She felt so guilty about it, she was almost in tears, even though Jei and I told her over and over again that it was fine and that she just needs to rest and take care of herself. So then there was the idea of me going with Jei and us staying in a hotel room, but after we talked it over, we both agreed that I shouldn't leave my mum alone here. And then, also, if Jei goes alone she can stay at her Uni friend's house overnight and save us the cost of a hotel. I guess it makes sense, but my heart feels heavy and my gut feels sick. Jei won't have any guests in the audience when she graduates with her astounding first class honours degree tomorrow. I'll watch on the streaming webcam with my mum, but... yeah. I just feel really sad and guilty.

My mum is coping okay, but as you can imagine it's been hard. She's so strong, and she tries to occupy herself... but every now and then she breaks down in tears and says she can't deal with this and she's so afraid. She says that she can't do anything... She tries to watch a movie and she can't pay attention, she tries to read a book and her eyes just travel down the page without taking anything in, she tries to sleep and her mind just churns over and over. On top of that, the cancer nurse told her to stop taking her HRT immediately, so she's also suffering sudden menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, mood swings and exhaustion. I'm trying my best to stay peppy and upbeat for her, but occasionally I have to just go to my room and cry. My anxiety is, as you could guess, getting bad again. I'm having horrible graphic and vivid nightmares about my mum dying or suffering horribly. I wake up feeling less rested than when I go to sleep. But I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, it's so much worse for my mum and I have to stay strong for her.

The clinic appointment to find out how serious the cancer is and what treatment options are available is on Monday. I'm anxious to get the answers, but also dreading it. My mum also has to have another core biopsy done on Wednesday (for the lump on her other breast), which is ALSO the day that Jei is supposed to be going back to America - another thing I'm dreading. She's said that she'll stay here longer if I need her to, which I'm so grateful for, but I don't want to stop her from going back... she hasn't seen her family in a full year!

I got in touch with The Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton as it's one of the best Cancer Specialist hospitals in the UK and it's also near where my brother lives, so my mum could stay there if she had to. I also did some research into Nicolas Gallegos, who is the Breast Surgeon at Weston General if my mum elects to get treatment here in Weston instead. Just getting as much info as I can.

I'm stressed, tired and unhappy... but I think I'm coping. I have to. No matter what happens, I'm the one who has to be strong. My brother was great and came down for a couple of days, but he's gone again now. It's all me.

My mum's birthday is on July 11th. I got her the new Terry Pratchett book. I wish I could give her No Cancer.

Thanks everyone who responded on my last post(s). if I haven't replied yet, I will try my best to get around to it today. So sorry for the morbid content of my posts. I'm a horrible miseryguts anyway, aren't I, and this doesn't make it any better :P

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flyboy_fox

December 2011

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