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flyboy_foxComments disabled because I'm just venting. It's no biggie.
Well, first up, thanks everyone who wished me a happy birthday already ^^ It's really nice to see my friends care. I wish there was some way I could repay you guys, because without you and Jei I think my birthday wouldn't feel like a birthday at all.
I shouldn't complain, because I know I'm lucky to be alive, and I have friends who love me and a girlfriend who loves me and a mom who loves me... but I haven't had a birthday 'celebration' in years. Not a proper one. Birthdays should be full of fun and laughter, but often they tend to be the loneliest day of the year for me. Jei's at school until 9:30PM GMT (4:30 for her). My mom's at work 'til 5. I'm here by myself 'til then. I don't have any 'IRL' friends to invite over... I haven't been in Weston long enough to make any friends. And right now I have all of two birthday cards sitting on my desk. One from my mom, and one signed by my brother and my dad who seemingly scrounged together enough pennies between them to at least send me a card. My mom's financial situation means she couldn't afford to get me a major gift, but she did give me a very useful token gift of some cargo pants from Tesco, because I needed some more trousers. And of course there's the chocolates from Jei in a little mahogany box with a birthday message engraved. Which was such a wonderful incredibly sweet gift (and the chocolates were awesomely good). So I'm not without gifts really. The two people who care about me most gave me something, and Jei's also sending me a wonderful little handmade gift that hasn't arrived yet. And the fact that I have a girlfriend and a mom who are both wonderful and sweet is the biggest gift of all. I know that.
I guess the biggest thing is just loneliness. I kinda wish I could have a party. A cake at least. Have people say "Happy Birthday" to me in person. Have cards from more than just my parents. It just... doesn't feel like a birthday at all. And I have this wretched cold. Which means the day out I was gonna have on Friday to the Cheddar Gorge is canceled for at least a week. I swear that cold conspired against me x.o Eh. I feel like such an ungrateful miser. I have it good compared to so many people, so why am I sitting on my bed crying just because my birthday is flat? I guess I just don't like getting older, and I wish I could at least enjoy the birthday itself instead of sitting here alone. My 21st, which was supposed to be 'the big one', just... didn't happen at all. I guess I had hope that this year would actually feel like a birthday and not just another day. I'd give anything to have friends to go out with to 'celebrate' instead of being here alone. Again.
Yeeeaaah. I feel depressed right now, and I feel like an asshole for it. But I guess maybe getting about an hour's sleep last night because of coughing might account for it too, so maybe if I take a nap I'll feel better. And I know one day I won't be alone anymore.
And yes. My most angsty icon because... raaaargh... angst!! :P
Well, first up, thanks everyone who wished me a happy birthday already ^^ It's really nice to see my friends care. I wish there was some way I could repay you guys, because without you and Jei I think my birthday wouldn't feel like a birthday at all.
I shouldn't complain, because I know I'm lucky to be alive, and I have friends who love me and a girlfriend who loves me and a mom who loves me... but I haven't had a birthday 'celebration' in years. Not a proper one. Birthdays should be full of fun and laughter, but often they tend to be the loneliest day of the year for me. Jei's at school until 9:30PM GMT (4:30 for her). My mom's at work 'til 5. I'm here by myself 'til then. I don't have any 'IRL' friends to invite over... I haven't been in Weston long enough to make any friends. And right now I have all of two birthday cards sitting on my desk. One from my mom, and one signed by my brother and my dad who seemingly scrounged together enough pennies between them to at least send me a card. My mom's financial situation means she couldn't afford to get me a major gift, but she did give me a very useful token gift of some cargo pants from Tesco, because I needed some more trousers. And of course there's the chocolates from Jei in a little mahogany box with a birthday message engraved. Which was such a wonderful incredibly sweet gift (and the chocolates were awesomely good). So I'm not without gifts really. The two people who care about me most gave me something, and Jei's also sending me a wonderful little handmade gift that hasn't arrived yet. And the fact that I have a girlfriend and a mom who are both wonderful and sweet is the biggest gift of all. I know that.
I guess the biggest thing is just loneliness. I kinda wish I could have a party. A cake at least. Have people say "Happy Birthday" to me in person. Have cards from more than just my parents. It just... doesn't feel like a birthday at all. And I have this wretched cold. Which means the day out I was gonna have on Friday to the Cheddar Gorge is canceled for at least a week. I swear that cold conspired against me x.o Eh. I feel like such an ungrateful miser. I have it good compared to so many people, so why am I sitting on my bed crying just because my birthday is flat? I guess I just don't like getting older, and I wish I could at least enjoy the birthday itself instead of sitting here alone. My 21st, which was supposed to be 'the big one', just... didn't happen at all. I guess I had hope that this year would actually feel like a birthday and not just another day. I'd give anything to have friends to go out with to 'celebrate' instead of being here alone. Again.
Yeeeaaah. I feel depressed right now, and I feel like an asshole for it. But I guess maybe getting about an hour's sleep last night because of coughing might account for it too, so maybe if I take a nap I'll feel better. And I know one day I won't be alone anymore.
And yes. My most angsty icon because... raaaargh... angst!! :P
