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flyboy_foxI don't want to do last night again in a hurry. It was a little scary, even if I think that there was never any real danger, or I hope not anyway.
Miles is not happy. In fact, I dare say he's desperately unhappy. But it's starting to make more sense now... after all, he's in my head, subject to the physical condition of my brain and body. And of course, it's mid-November. My winter depression is setting in hard. Of course he's going to be affected by that! Like it or not, soulbond, genuine entity or clinical split personality, he's an abnormal pattern in my brain, and that part of my brain is just as liable to be messed up by my FUBAR'd emotions this time of year.
We're different personalities, so it's affecting us differently... he's been swinging between extremes; psychotically murderous and psychotically suicidal, while I'm just blank, sick and numb-feeling. I hope it won't be this way until March or April or whatever. Fucking British short-as-hell winter days.
I keep just stupidly thinking about jumping off the overpass. It would be a horrible way to die, though, mostly because of how unfair it would be to the drivers below. If it didn't cause an accident, it would at least end up mentally scarring someone, I'm sure. I'm too much of a pussy to do it, anyway. And I still have the presence of mind to know that 'this, too, shall pass'. Miles is a bit more artistic, I guess. He wants a revolver. He's got a hankering to play Russian Roulette. He seems to be of the mindset that pulling the trigger on an empty cartridge would give him the jumpstart to snap out of this funk and remember why he doesn't want to be dead. Of course, if he pulls the trigger on the LOADED cartridge... yeah, I'm just glad I don't have a gun or any way of getting a gun ^^; I wouldn't mind getting him a decommissioned revolver if he just wants to HAVE one, if it would make him feel better somehow. But I'm not getting live weapon. They're illegal here, anyway. Very illegal. For that I am glad.
Anyway, kinda had a shitty night. Slept maybe two hours at most on the couch after Jei left Miles there last night in a vaguely catatonic state, just kinda staring off into space and laughing sarcastically at her every time she said anything. Lay there for a while, trying to get my sense of self back. Played some Zombie Farm, which is a stupid app on my iPhone that Miles downloaded a while ago when he was in a better mood and being kinda silly. Eventually pulled myself up and got a hot water bottle and pulled Jei's coat over me 'cause I was freezing. Lmfao I woke up with a homemade noose around my neck. Yes, I have plenty of implements to kill myself, ta~. I think it comforts Miles somehow to be morbid like that. Sigh. It's going to be a long winter. If we survive it. God damn it. I wouldn't wish my winter derp on anyone, not even Miles. But I guess he's stuck with it as long as he's stuck in my head, and I'm stuck with his resulting crazy (and he with mine, yes, I know) x.o
I am feeling sorry for myself and that has been the status quo for a while now. I should try to think of better things to post about... oh. I found a Guernsey 1983 20p in my change a little while ago. I thought it looked odd so I looked it up. It had what looked to me like a hand-grenade on it. Turns out it's actually a milk-jug, where the Queen's head would normally be. A design that's not her head is pretty unusual, so it is a little rare, but sadly, it won't fetch more than £1 on eBay anyway. Still, it's interesting how Guernsey has its own version of the pound sterling. Apparently it's not actually 'legal tender' here on the mainland, but it's 'accepted tender' in most locations. I'd never seen one before, so it was news to me. Also, coin is older than me. I know that's not a super-rarity, since I'm only 26, but still, almost all the coins I see are from the 90's onwards.
Also, Jei's friend Kath brought over some flavoured tofu and vegan cheese spread which Jei said is really really good, so I'll have to try it later. See, I can talk about happy things!
One small request for help: I have had a really obnoxious song stuck in my head for about FOUR DAYS now. It just goes around and around. No matter what mood I'm in, what I'm thinking or doing, who's fronting, whatever it's THERE. I wake up daily with it repeating in my mind. Playing other music doesn't seem to have a lasting effect. Playing the song itself over and over to try to burn it out hasn't helped either. Any ideas as to how to purge it? It's making me a little twitchy eyyyeeed~ >.o;;
Miles is not happy. In fact, I dare say he's desperately unhappy. But it's starting to make more sense now... after all, he's in my head, subject to the physical condition of my brain and body. And of course, it's mid-November. My winter depression is setting in hard. Of course he's going to be affected by that! Like it or not, soulbond, genuine entity or clinical split personality, he's an abnormal pattern in my brain, and that part of my brain is just as liable to be messed up by my FUBAR'd emotions this time of year.
We're different personalities, so it's affecting us differently... he's been swinging between extremes; psychotically murderous and psychotically suicidal, while I'm just blank, sick and numb-feeling. I hope it won't be this way until March or April or whatever. Fucking British short-as-hell winter days.
I keep just stupidly thinking about jumping off the overpass. It would be a horrible way to die, though, mostly because of how unfair it would be to the drivers below. If it didn't cause an accident, it would at least end up mentally scarring someone, I'm sure. I'm too much of a pussy to do it, anyway. And I still have the presence of mind to know that 'this, too, shall pass'. Miles is a bit more artistic, I guess. He wants a revolver. He's got a hankering to play Russian Roulette. He seems to be of the mindset that pulling the trigger on an empty cartridge would give him the jumpstart to snap out of this funk and remember why he doesn't want to be dead. Of course, if he pulls the trigger on the LOADED cartridge... yeah, I'm just glad I don't have a gun or any way of getting a gun ^^; I wouldn't mind getting him a decommissioned revolver if he just wants to HAVE one, if it would make him feel better somehow. But I'm not getting live weapon. They're illegal here, anyway. Very illegal. For that I am glad.
Anyway, kinda had a shitty night. Slept maybe two hours at most on the couch after Jei left Miles there last night in a vaguely catatonic state, just kinda staring off into space and laughing sarcastically at her every time she said anything. Lay there for a while, trying to get my sense of self back. Played some Zombie Farm, which is a stupid app on my iPhone that Miles downloaded a while ago when he was in a better mood and being kinda silly. Eventually pulled myself up and got a hot water bottle and pulled Jei's coat over me 'cause I was freezing. Lmfao I woke up with a homemade noose around my neck. Yes, I have plenty of implements to kill myself, ta~. I think it comforts Miles somehow to be morbid like that. Sigh. It's going to be a long winter. If we survive it. God damn it. I wouldn't wish my winter derp on anyone, not even Miles. But I guess he's stuck with it as long as he's stuck in my head, and I'm stuck with his resulting crazy (and he with mine, yes, I know) x.o
I am feeling sorry for myself and that has been the status quo for a while now. I should try to think of better things to post about... oh. I found a Guernsey 1983 20p in my change a little while ago. I thought it looked odd so I looked it up. It had what looked to me like a hand-grenade on it. Turns out it's actually a milk-jug, where the Queen's head would normally be. A design that's not her head is pretty unusual, so it is a little rare, but sadly, it won't fetch more than £1 on eBay anyway. Still, it's interesting how Guernsey has its own version of the pound sterling. Apparently it's not actually 'legal tender' here on the mainland, but it's 'accepted tender' in most locations. I'd never seen one before, so it was news to me. Also, coin is older than me. I know that's not a super-rarity, since I'm only 26, but still, almost all the coins I see are from the 90's onwards.
Also, Jei's friend Kath brought over some flavoured tofu and vegan cheese spread which Jei said is really really good, so I'll have to try it later. See, I can talk about happy things!
One small request for help: I have had a really obnoxious song stuck in my head for about FOUR DAYS now. It just goes around and around. No matter what mood I'm in, what I'm thinking or doing, who's fronting, whatever it's THERE. I wake up daily with it repeating in my mind. Playing other music doesn't seem to have a lasting effect. Playing the song itself over and over to try to burn it out hasn't helped either. Any ideas as to how to purge it? It's making me a little twitchy eyyyeeed~ >.o;;
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no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 03:42 pm (UTC)I don't know of any ways to fix the song thing, but I read a long time ago that singing the entirety of the song's lyrics (or whatever you have memorized, anyway) in one go in your head is enough to relieve the "itch" and make it, well, unstuck.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 06:26 pm (UTC)It's not like your mind is just repeating one line or part of one line over and over. And over.
And over. Or is it doing just that? ^^;
And it's English, as a bonus, so even if you sing it outloud, folks won't look at you funny!
Still, I hope it wears off soon. ^^;;;
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:34 pm (UTC)I wanna taste what Kath brought in..
Like I said it's tricky, but I already gave my advice over thar'
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:43 pm (UTC)Chinese one's okay but I like mine spicy..
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 05:45 pm (UTC)We've got to trade recipes~
Even if my mom knows how to cook it..not me XPno subject
Date: 2010-11-17 01:22 am (UTC)similar problem same solution
that is what cognitive behavioral therapy is all about
they teach u ways of dealing with these mental phenomena
uni runs it. counselling on the student portal
no subject
Date: 2010-11-17 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-17 05:21 pm (UTC)u can get ur gp to refer u for cbt very easily
also dorset PCT do a self referal scheme, one of the most easily accessible in the country. and yeh, private MHP's are way out the picture
dorset pct mhp is free, they do fone things too. otherwise they're over in the civic centre
its all very friendly
i know its not particularly appealing to get the motivation but try
its when you've bn at ur worst but have begun to get back up, when u see quite how bad it can be. thats when u need most help as that prospect if a dire one
no subject
Date: 2010-11-17 05:25 pm (UTC)I could get a referral, but I'm kind of afraid they'll end up suggesting drugs for me again. If I can manage this myself without intervention, it'll be better.