This post is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP. Proceed with caution.

[flyboy_fox]

This is going to be a post about my 'dark side'. Not a post about dual identities or soulbonds or anything separate from me, but attributes of my own complete and whole self. And as such, it's bound to deviate from the normal banal and fluffy that might be associated with 'me'. A disclaimer may be needed.

Disclaimer: This post is going to deal with the following themes: Cutting, Pain, Fetish, Dungeons, BDSM, Power, 'Instruments' and 'Dark' Thought Processes. If you're not comfortable with a post from me with overt sexual and fetishistic themes, DO NOT CLICK THE CUT :D Simples.

ADDENDUM: This post descends into madness and becomes VERY GRAPHIC. It is fucked up. Don't read if your opinion of me is liable to be substantially warped by graphic descriptions of sadomasochistic fantasy. I am who I am but I don't want to upset anyone.





1. Razors

Razor blades. I haven't tried them yet (don't worry, the little brown patches aren't rust, just the little dots of wax that keep the paper closed). I decided to buy some rather than rely on the bent-out-of-shape blades I pried from the closed razor I own. So far, I've just been holding them in a sort of reverie, enjoying their shape and form, the lightness and flexibility of the slender metal, the ease of which they can be palmed or slipped unnoticed into a pocket. I don't want to just play with them without purpose. I'm waiting for the right mood and the right inspiration.

The last time I 'cut', I tried three things. One was a simple slicing motion, rows of straight medium-deep lines across the back of my arm. The seconds was a cross-hatch, less deep but with far more lines, closely intersecting like a tight grid, on the back of my other arm. Finally, I attempted to etch a word onto the underside/wrist of my arm. The particular word I wanted to write there was 'JUNKIE'. I might have to explain that a bit later. I don't think the tool I had at the time (the twisted blade end) was too conducive to 'writing'. It's very difficult to carve anything but straight lines into flesh without a specialist tool.

I'm not sure that the blades I have now will be any better for that, but lucky for me I also have some precision scalpel-heads coming my way which I intend to use in conjunction with the straight blades. I'd also like a little wooden box to keep them all in, but that's besides the point.

My first 'serious' cutting experiment was about pain, bleeding and making a mark.

My second was about different styles and the amazing euphoria that followed the next day.

I want my third to be about art.

But the second time does bear returning to because it was very different from the first. The first time I cried. I was in a lot of pain the next day and confused. It was my 'epiphany' moment where I discovered that I needed and wanted to do this, but it wasn't entirely pleasant. The second time, however, was beautiful. Drugs could not have lifted me higher. The next day I felt next to no pain (just mild soreness), and was talkative and bouncy and cheerful all day. It was an amazing feeling that I hope to replicate and return to by not doing this too often. Any drug loses its potency if used too often.

Luckily cutting has its own built-in refresh-cycle in that it takes a while to heal and create a fresh canvass to work on. My arms are pretty much healed now from the last time aside from some very pale faint lines where the skin is a little flaky. I could easily cut again now, but I choose to wait. It has to be right, you know? I don't know what exact circumstances are 'right', but there's usually a little alcohol in my system and a slight blurriness of identity. Not that I'm anyone but me, but rather that all parts of me are overlapping and blending together and I can feel everything as a whole. Odd.

Anyhow, I'm sure there will be another adventure soon.

Moving on.


2. Power

The past year has offered me what I can only really describe as a late awakening. I suppose I could call it a 'sexual awakening', but it's more than that and not exclusively that. Certainly there's a sexual element, but it seems more holistic than that, like it incorporates all parts of my identity and wants and desires, not just the ones connected to sexuality.

I've always struggled with labels in a sexual context, whether it be gender identity, sexuality, or mode. I don't identify solidly as female or male, nor as a particular sexuality, and my mode is... that's been the most confusing one. Dominant and Submissive are, as usual, far too binary... yet 'Switch' is too flaky. I'm very set in what I like and what I want and what I think about.

Something I'm incredibly stubborn about is that I am NOT submissive. It makes things complicated when I analyse the things that turn me on, but I am absolutely NOT a 'Sub'. The idea of wilfully submitting to anyone sickens me, and the idea of having any sort of 'Master' or person who is considered to be 'above' me is not something I could ever tolerate for even a moment. I will not be owned, and I will never ever give anyone power over me. My personality is dominant, even if my mode inevitably... isn't.

See, I live for the power struggle and for the fight. For someone to TRY to dominate me is incredibly hot. But there's no fun if there's no chance they'll succeed. In fact, I hope they might. It's almost disappointing if they don't or can't. I actually really get off on the idea of resisting and struggling as hard as I can, hating and spiting my oppressor, but then eventually getting beaten down anyway. I'll fight it all the way and I'll never submit mentally, even if I'm physically broken and ruined.

It took me a while to understand that. I've always argued the whole "Well, if you want to be raped then it's not really rape, is it. You'd have to be willing." In fact, I'm pretty sure I've used the exact same argument with some friends here. It's only now that I understand that strange mentality where I, in this moment, want it to happen... but I want to not want it at the time. The encounter itself could be the most horrible thing ever and not at all sexual at the time, but later I would feel so fulfilled.

Important note: I am NOT in any way saying that I would like some random stranger to pull me off the street, beat, abuse and rape me. I would be as permanently damaged and upset as the next person. NOR am I in ANY way advocating rape, domestic abuse, assault or any actual crimes like that. We are strictly in the realms of headspace, fetish and controlled role-play here. While I would absolutely want my partner to not go easy on me in any way, and I don't want or need a 'safeword', we would both be under the understanding that we chose this encounter. There is NO excuse for actually committing a sexual or physical crime against a genuinely unwilling person.

That should go without saying, but I wanted to be clear before I go any further. Because my fantasies are quite... violent. There's a degree of lust on both sides, however. I know the power I have is that my partner wants me as much as I hate to admit I want my partner physically too. But there's hate because we both want the power and neither of us is in any way submissive. My partner has to physically overpower me to get anywhere with me, but I'll be fighting back every step of the way and perhaps even take the lead for a while. I enjoy the thought of being pinned down, tied up, restrained, crushed, choked, slapped, pulled by my hair, forced to my knees, spat on, and forced to do things against my will. I'll admit it, I... like the thought of being utterly humiliated. But only if it comes as a result of the other person being wholly victorious against my every attempt to thwart them.

I want to be pushed to my absolute physical limits. I want to writhe and sweat and shake and cry, but all the while hiss through my teeth and curse their name, even while I'm tied up and spitting blood. I want the bruises and scratches to bear testament to how hard I fought. I want to be so tired that I physically can't stand, because I put my all into it. If they're worthy enough to take me, then they have to break me completely. I want to have control ripped from me. There's nothing more terrifying or exhilarating.

I think it stems from my past. Control has been so central to me, all my life. Panic attacks and anxiety ruled my teens, and OCD tendencies (such as my obsession with even numbers and making things 'right' with internal counting games) dominated my thoughts. Things like getting sick or feeling dizzy or faint terrified me because they were out of my control. Anal-retentive I was. Now... now I WANT to be pushed there, physically, to my limit. Adrenaline is THE most potent drug, and the endorphin release that follows when it's over is the most incredible high to trip out on when it's all done. My 'issues' have messed me up sexually it seems, but that's okay. We all get our kicks from something, right?


3. Ambience

I have such a thing for urban decay. I love post-apocalyptic cities and filthy grungy scenes. Leaking oil-drums, graffiti, discarded dirty furniture, alleyways that reek of piss, broken glass strewn around and beer cans scattered on the ground. Fuck me hard up against a graffiti-strewn wall in a filthy alleyway, trash and syringes at our feet and a toxic yellow-brown sky above ♥ I want to be dirty. I love dungeons too. You know the type. BDSM dungeons >_> I have a huge kink for 'machines' and 'structures'. Crosses that you can get tied up on, cages, shackles and chains, devices that can be used to do all sorts of nasty things to you. I also like instruments of torture, medieval contraptions that can be rigged to hurt but not to kill. Drag it out. Make them suffer and bleeed.

See, I'm clearly a masochist. More masochist than sadist, I suppose. But there's certainly an element of sadism to some of my fantasies. I guess I'm a sadomasochist, when it comes down to it. I want to hurt and be hurt. Take it and deal it out. Take my turn to watch the other suffer after enough turns as the broken one. I admit that some of my most violent sadistic thoughts frighten bemuse even myself. I have actually drawn pleasure from the mental imagery of cutting someone open and fucking the wound. Or using a blade to fuck someone anally. I am one sick bugger.Of course, THAT kind of stuff has absolutely no basis in reality. Completely in the realm of the make-believe. I don't actually intend on EVER severely hurting (or worse) any real person for a sexual kick. But yes, on that note... toys! Handcuffs, chains, spikes, hot wax, rope, dildos and vibrators. Not much is off limit. Blood play is encouraged. Gagging on... things is encouraged. To me, fantasy has NO limits, and role-play only some. As long as it won't kill me or maim me so that I can't function the next day (or require hospitalisation), I would probably agree to almost anything.

Oh, hurr hurr... this post went a lot deeper into my psychosis than I intended it to O.o Oh well. Moving on!


4. Psychedelics

Remember how I carved the word 'JUNKIE' into my arm? I am a junkie. I may not be hooked on drugs or anything but it wouldn't take much. I have an addictive personality, and by that I mean I get OBSESSED fast and HARD. Music, adrenaline, pain, alcohol... all addictions. And truth be told, I want to go higher. Now, I'm not stupid enough to get myself hooked on something like cocaine, meth or heroin. But there are certain drugs that I've had my eye on for a while and may well try at some time. There are legalities involved, of course, so if I ever do I may not be quite so open about it XD But there you go.

I've tried marijuana several times and it did nothing. I've tried salvia (a legal high) and nothing either. But what I would really like to experiment with are hallucinogenics. I've played around with white noise, binaural beats, and of course the wormwood effect of absinthe, but I want a more solid 'trip'. I have it in mind to try either LSD (acid) or 'magic mushrooms'. Shrooms are the more likely available commodity and I've read up on them in depth, so I feel that if I were to find a reliable source (or decided to pick them myself), I'd be sure of not doing myself any real harm.

Again, it comes down to testing limits and pushing myself out of the usual 'frameset' of living. I've experienced altered states of consciousness before, as a result of depression, as a result of medication, as a result of extreme emotion. Depersonalisation and Derealisation are the two states I'm most familiar with. What I'm shooting after next is Ego Death. I've had brushes with the concept, but I don't think I've yet experienced true Ego Death, and I would really like to. Apparently it is possible without the aid of psychedelics, via intense and deep meditation, but it is much much easier with the help of a mind-altering substance.

My mind and body are there to be utilised, to live, breathe, feel and experiment. It's mine to take calculated risks with if that's what I choose. I may not aspire towards an epic career or incredible wealth or leaving a notable mark on humanity. I just want my life to be a wealth of experience. Yes, it's rather hedonistic, and I'm well aware of that, and so I wish to balance my self-discovery and journey with a 'carbon-offset' of giving back to this world. I don't ever want to be entirely selfish nor make my life entirely about 'me'. There's give and take. Balance. Yin and Yang, as with anything.

As for whether Jei is compatible with my revelations and lifestyle choices? All signs point to Yes ♥


I'm not gonna make threats or sob about accepting me for me. If my 'kinks' clash too much with anyone or you don't feel like you know me any more, I will take no offence if you choose that we should go our separate ways (: I may post about 'hardcore' stuff again in future, possibly more specifically and in more detail. It is important to me. But naturally, I hope I didn't offend or worry anyone. Ah, I have such a case of USI XD I know no one really cares.

Heh, appropriate song is appropriate.

Comments

[flashofsilver.livejournal.com]

I do not understand why someone's opinion of you would be dramatically changed by knowledge of your kinks. Regardless, I won't read anything graphic, so I'll pass. ^^;

Would future entries of such a nature be similarly marked so that those who would rather not read may skip them? That would be immensely appreciated, although it's your journal, so you may do as you please.

(This is a roleplay journal. That alone should tip you off as to my identity. xD; )

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've gotten past the whole "HUH, WHO THE FRICK IS THIS?" problem I was having the first few times you posted from an RP journal XD

Don't worry. I will always put graphic/hardcore/sexual stuff under a clearly marked cut. I don't ever want to make my F-list uncomfortable.

[flashofsilver.livejournal.com]

Hee, well, just in case you needed a heads up!

That's much appreciated, buddy! ♥

Gin has no nice smiles. Please ignore the icon. xD;;

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

A shrug is possibly the best reaction I could hope for, in all seriousness (:

Yeah, when I was in my teens, 'cutting' was the big 'in' thing. I avoided it at the time because of that, really. Only now at 26 am I finally realizing that - hey - it actually does work for me as a personal thing XD I R EMO KID? I do it for pleasure rather than to express pain or anything, though.

My brother was a dope-head for a while, but other than that, no one in my family (as far as I know) does drugs. My interest comes from... I really don't know where. I just have the strongest urge to find new ways to feel and see things and new ways of thinking and being.

[eyes-on-stalks.livejournal.com]

1. You've probably heard this before, but it bears repeating. When you cut a lot you develop a tolerance for it and the feeling of revelry and joy you used to get with one or two cuts will now only come if you cut deeper or cut more. You'll know when you're approaching a dangerous line, and when/if you get to the point where it takes a lot of cuts to make you feel good i encourage you to use powerplay and psychodrama (music, candles, ritual, etc.) to help produce that euphoria. This ensures the cutting is still as good as it was in the beginning without significantly increasing the risk of you doing serious harm to yourself.

2. Your desire to be forced into submission is pretty common, although you put it more eloquently than i've heard in a while.

4. When doing LSD your trip is as good as you want it to be. Start small and don't work too far up. Smoking marijuana when you start the acid can help reduce the nausea that you get when you start a trip (individual results may vary). That's pretty much all i've got to say about it...0-0 good luck?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the insight ♥

>>1. You've probably heard this before, but it bears repeating. When you cut a lot you develop a tolerance for it and the feeling of revelry and joy you used to get with one or two cuts will now only come if you cut deeper or cut more. You'll know when you're approaching a dangerous line, and when/if you get to the point where it takes a lot of cuts to make you feel good i encourage you to use powerplay and psychodrama (music, candles, ritual, etc.) to help produce that euphoria. This ensures the cutting is still as good as it was in the beginning without significantly increasing the risk of you doing serious harm to yourself.

Very sage advice indeed. This is why I'm being careful to not cut too often and to try to vary my experience so that I don't 'burn it out'. I figure that what I do when I cut is akin to how I'd use psychedelic drugs - sparingly, infrequently and with respect.

>>2. Your desire to be forced into submission is pretty common, although you put it more eloquently than i've heard in a while.

Lol, eloquently? It was more verbal (textual?) diarrhoea than anything, really... And you're right, I suppose it really is a fairly common fetish. I think it's more the fact that I personally found it hard to accept for a while that's made me edgy about admitting it.

>>4. When doing LSD your trip is as good as you want it to be. Start small and don't work too far up. Smoking marijuana when you start the acid can help reduce the nausea that you get when you start a trip (individual results may vary). That's pretty much all i've got to say about it...0-0 good luck?

XD 4.? What happened to 3.? Hee, sorry~ Yeah, I've heard MJ is a good off-set for nausea. Also, apparently ginger tea is really good for preventing nausea/sickness when shrooming, so I'll be sure to be prepared if and when I get the chance to experiment with either (:

Edit: HTML FAIL *Kicks self*

[measyouaswe.livejournal.com]

Note exactly sure what to say, but I wanted to let you know that I did read it. Especially parts of 2 and 3 >_> If you end up posting more, you have another person willing to read those sorts of posts.

But safewords are still a good idea, even if you don't think you'll need them, just in case. Just my two cents.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Actually, plenty of people are the kind of subs who need to play without safewords, or the experience is pointless and not!real for them. Just sayin'. :)

[measyouaswe.livejournal.com]

I guess you can do that if everyone involved knows where your limits are... learned something new today.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Not a sub D: I find it very hard to use that word with myself. But I know what you're saying.

I feel like safewords would take away the lack of control that I want to experience. If I can say "Stop!" at any time, then how can I really be pushed right outside my comfort zone and be truly abused?

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being willing to read this kind of stuff.

I think as far as 'safewords' go, I'd be more inclined to lay out boundaries (if any) prior to the experience and then just trust my partner not to abuse them (too much). I want to be pushed outside of my comfort zone, and safewords kinda make that more difficult.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

Proceeded with utter caution, read, and took in. Nothing to say on my part, apart from how I wish I could really analyse myself as deeply as this. I'm not completely 100% sure of who I am and all my weird habits, perks and unusual enjoyments. Maybe one day I'll have to sit down and have a good think.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for not judging ^^ I do a LOT of self-analysis, which is how stuff like this comes up. I probably think too much, lol.

[shadowdingo.livejournal.com]

>>I probably think too much, lol.

Haha, that's not always a bad thing. I need to be thinking too much about assignments at the moment though. XD

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

Hmm, not sure what to think totally. Most kink stuff I'm cool with, but you probably do want some sort of safeword. As for drugs, approach with caution. I personally don't see much of a need for psychadelics since videogames and such provide all the strangeness without the potential sickness.

Cutting? I'd really, really, really urge you to avoid it.

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

Could you tell us why you object to cutting in particular?

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

Cutting seems to be to be at best like giving yourself a piercing and at worst like anorexia and bulimia. The former is stupid and with a very high risk of problems and the latter is just flat-out self-destructive.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Well, plenty of people have piercings, no? And it's not even as permanent as a piercing if done carefully. I can't see it really being any more 'self-destructive' than dying/cutting/styling your hair or getting your nails shaped and painted as long as one takes the proper precautions (:

[hoyvinglavin64.livejournal.com]

Oh, I like piercings. My emphasis there was on "giving yourself." Any self-respecting person in the body mod world would tell you it's a much better idea to see a professional who knows what they're doing than to pierce yourself. If you're into "artistic" scarification, seeing a professional who does that would be a better idea than doing it yourself.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think it's more personal if you do it yourself, as long as you don't take risks. I 'know what I'm doing'... and besides, I'm not actually into 'scarification' right now, and so I never do anything deep enough that it won't heal completely in a few weeks. I have no scars from it.

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

Yes, self-harm can turn out like anorexia or bulimia in the fact that it is harmful to the body and it can become a habit. However, it does not sound like, at least from what I can tell, our host for this conversation is using this as a way of control, escape, or as a way of dealing with stress. From what Flyboy has explained it is a form of pleasure, resulting from the stimulation of nerve-endings. And while I realize that, no, this is not what most people do or should find pleasurable, some people do.

Many people have destructive tendencies, but they are actually hidden behind socially acceptable activities. They hide behind football, boxing, soccer, or any other contact sport (or even occasionally non-contact activities) because they either want to hurt others or want to be hurt themselves.

I have used cutting for spiritual purposes. I have used cutting once for stress relief. And I have also been cut for pleasure.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Safewords with total strangers I can understand a bit more, but I'd like to trust that my partner knows how far to safely abuse me XD I don't want to have the option of being able to say 'stop!'. That would kind of ruin it for me.

I'll certainly be cautious with any drugs that I experiment with. I already experience wonderful highs from absinthe and music etc, but I would like to try something a bit more intense.

I think cutting is fine as long as one is careful about it.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

This was juuuuuuust what I needed to read today. In fact, so much so that I'm going to have to come back to it, because... my head is racing and I can't figure out what to say. I have too much to say and I can't say it all at one and it's frustrating me and I want to throw something through a wall. I need reality to break around me so I can compress everything I need to say into one single moment.

But I can't. So... I'm gonna have to come back to this.

But just so you know.

My mind and body are there to be utilised, to live, breathe, feel and experiment. It's mine to take calculated risks with if that's what I choose. I may not aspire towards an epic career or incredible wealth or leaving a notable mark on humanity. I just want my life to be a wealth of experience.

I believe in all of this. Absolutely.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Okay, doing a bit better now. Just... the subspace need, the need to be broken and taken and beaten into exhaustion-- and maybe have your ego slaughtered in the process-- that's something one if mine is really having hard right now, and I just had a huge dose of flail.

People do BDSM without safewords. It's more RACK (risk aware consensual kink) than SSC (safe sane and consensual), but people make the mistake of thinking SSC is some kind of god that must be worshipped absolutely and... it isn't. Sometimes you need what you're experiencing to be authentic, to ride on the simple trust resonating between yourself and your partner-- or to place trust entirely into their hands and let them take you wherever you need to go. And safewords can put bounds on that.

I don't play with safewords, or rather at this moment I'm not doing. I certainly would if I were in a dynamic where people wanted that, but... currently I'm not. That's fine too.

And you need not to listen to the people giving you flak about cutting. It need not only be an "emo" thing, injury to your body is your choice, and many people take equal or worse risks in the name of sport or fun (drinking to excess, mountain climbing...). Cutting has an association with depression, suicide and self-hatred, but it doesn't have to be about that. It can be self-expression like anything else.

Scalpels are excellent tools. You'll be able to do amazing curves with scalpels. They really are easier than anything else by an order of magnitude; just watch it, those fuckers go DEEP. Start really gentle, 'cause you can slice a huge gash in yourself in no time, and that will scar (which you may be cool with, but make sure you want it!)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm glad my post resonated with you. It's kind of comforting in a way to know that someone understands the... well... need to completely obliterate oneself that way. We may differ on some things, but sometimes it really feels that you 'get' me, heh. It's cool.

I really don't wanna have a safeword. How can I be truly destroyed if I have an out? At some point, I'm gonna cry out for it to stop, but if it DOES stop, then the point is completely defeated. I wanna be taken past that, where no matter WHAT I say, I can't do a thing about it. Sure, I can fight it, but if they are stronger in the end, they will overpower me. Giving me a safeword gives ME control and... I don't want it.

Eh, I'm not worried about the cutting thing. I've done it enough now that I know I can do it safely, cleanly and with perfect emotional/mental clarity. No 'emo' involved at all.

eep, yeah, I'm aware of how deep scalpels can go, as my partner uses them daily in her model-making class, and her dad works in a hospital XD But I will be extra careful. If I do ever want to scar, I don't want it to be random gashes. I'd prefer to plan it out so that maybe it's a pattern or design that has meaning to me.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

:) I do understand. Not from my own perspective, being I naturally gravitate towards the destroying rather than the being-destroyed half of the equation (sorry for the word choice back there-- didn't mean to imply anything about you, just didn't know how else to phrase stuff), but from the perspective of people in my head. Who... well, I have someone right now who's really climbing the walls over it.

We keep getting fixated on this song. Destroy everything you touch, today. Please destroy me, this way. That part captures the aching for that very well, at least on our end.

But yeah, no, you can't be truly destroyed if you have an out. And a lot of people do say that about safewords, that they basically reduce the experience to... well, playing. A game. The need to actually be lost in the experience isn't satisfied. And some people want and need that safety, of course, but it's definitely a misconception that everyone uses them, in the same way it's a misconception that cutters are always "emo". It's popular-culture knowledge, but once you actually explore this sort of stuff you learn... it's more complicated than that.

And I can understand about wanting your scars in a deliberate design. The advantage to scalpels is that they cut very cleanly-- more cleanly than anything you'll have ever tried, that's for sure. And you only need a little pressure to get great results. It's just about learning to control that pressure. I've done scalpel cuts on people that didn't scar, but even then and with having lots of experience, one has to be careful if you don't want that.

...that said, I think scars are cool-looking, in general. XD

Oh, yeah, there are other bits of your post I forgot to reply to. Like the fucking-someone-with-a-knife thing. That was kind of the subject of some of my early explorations into this sort of thing, actually. ...which is not to say that I fucked anyone with a knife in actuality, but I drew that kind of thing. I've never heard anyone else admit to it before. :3 Oh, and I've never got high off salvia either. I guess we're both just hardheads. :( But given I have similar levels of tolerance, I'd like to hear about where you get with mushrooms. (Or acid, if you can get hold of it. I've always wanted to try that.)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

Well, even if not 'you' directly, then that someone in your headspace understands my perspective... I hope maybe it's a comfort to them as much as it is to me to have someone with a kindred perspective on it (:

Oh my. Well, that link is copyright-locked to me so I can't view it, but from the lyrics... LADYTRON. FFFFF. Yeah, I have SO much of their stuff right now. Miles' playlist has a whole bunch of their songs on it. That one is one of his/our favourites too. I think I had the lyrics on my LJ a while ago... I know it shows up repeatedly on my 'current music'. Awesome song with an awesome vibe. Sometimes a song just captures something so perfectly.

Speaking of Miles, to be fair, I dunno how much of what I'm feeling with all this is him, me, or just 'us', as much as he hates when we get blendy. *Shrugs* I've decided to stop picking it apart and just go with it, anyway.

Oh, I think scars look cool in general too. But if I ever do decide that I want a more detailed pattern, I don't want to have 'messed up' my 'canvass' with random white lines that won't ever go away. So for now I'm being careful not to scar if I can help it.

Speaking of which! Got my scalpel blades today. Pack of 5 'surgical blades' in a little foil packet. I'm itching to try them, but again, I'm going to wait for the absolutely right mood. Although this one melodic trance track is just really putting me in an urban grungy mindset that's giving me inspiration, so maybe soon.

Hah, you know me. I'll admit to pretty much anything out in the open. Fantasised about anally raping someone with a knife or cutting 'em open and fucking them while they bleed out? Me? Yeah. Yes. :3 Not that I have or ever would actually do it (in this lifetime at least, for what are probably primarily selfish reasons at core, but yeah never will in this life). But as a thought scene? Yes. Often. I don't feel afraid or ashamed of admitting it, even if maybe I should O.o;;

I'll certainly keep you updated with any voyages into shrooming or dropping tabs (: I hope to get the chance eventually, with careful preparation and execution, of course.

[tangyabominy.livejournal.com]

Oh, it definitely is. Was a bit of a shock at first, too, to come across someone saying this so vividly, but... not the bad kind of shock. Just the "can't get my words in order" kind of shock. :)

Woo, yes, awesome. Glad you know the song even if YouTube is being dickish. :3

And honestly, yeah. Is better to just let things be as they are, sometimes. There can be value in analysing these things, but there's always the risk of analysing too much. Sometimes you've just got to live it.

I think your honesty is pretty awesome, that way. I'd never have normally admitted to that on my locked journal, let alone in public, if you hadn't said anything. And it's not because I'm ashamed; I mean, that information's in public now and I don't mind having it there. It's just that I don't want to bring it up around people who'll cringe away from me. I'm far too concerned with what other people think, in that regard. I admire your boldness, and I don't think you should feel ashamed or afraid. There's too much shame in the world as it is; it doesn't do anyone any good. You're obviously very capable of not acting on these fantasies without needing shame to tell you not to, so what purpose does it serve?

And awesome. Looking forward to that someday! :)

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>I think your honesty is pretty awesome, that way. I'd never have normally admitted to that on my locked journal, let alone in public, if you hadn't said anything. And it's not because I'm ashamed; I mean, that information's in public now and I don't mind having it there. It's just that I don't want to bring it up around people who'll cringe away from me. I'm far too concerned with what other people think, in that regard. I admire your boldness, and I don't think you should feel ashamed or afraid. There's too much shame in the world as it is; it doesn't do anyone any good. You're obviously very capable of not acting on these fantasies without needing shame to tell you not to, so what purpose does it serve?

I think the only thing that remotely concerns me about putting it all out there so publicly is the whole "What if potential employers (or, heck, even a current one if I'm ever employed) decide to Google me and then decide they don't want me because of my confessions?". I worry occasionally that my blog holds very real threats to my employability or the safety of any job that I should hold. There's nothing ILLEGAL in here, but still... who would willingly hire someone who openly confesses to this sort of shit?

I could set up a different email for stuff, try to disassociate... but that defies the whole point of wanting to be open about the real me. Ah well.

[(Anonymous)]

shrooms before acid. start on 1/10th the typical dose. grow your own and do not buy them. spores and kits are legal. shrooms are not.
titrate ur dose up till you roll.
be prepared for nausea.
never trip with more than 1 one person also tripping present - always have 1 safety person whos not rolling and is a responsible person.
keep a benzo handy for when u want to go to sleep. if u start to roll at 9pm, u can sleep soundly by 4am.
keep ur thorazine, prochloperazine (or buccastem from otc) which are antipsychotics.
when u roll, just think to your self that tripping is like a spanish holiday - you've paid for it, its not great, worth the experience, will give u the shits but its not dangerous. also, if u cant fly with your feet on the ground, dont expect to be able to fly from a tall structure :)
dont do drugs, their bad...
dont cut your self please.
its only on your way up from the gutter of misery do u feel worst and think bad shit, and to see what good there is to look forwards to, u shud keep a diary. these are words from a bipolar support group.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I think I am far more likely to be able to get hold of shrooms than acid anyway XD And yeah, I was looking at growing them if I can afford the kit. I've heard that ginger tea can help a lot with the nausea, but of course sickness is to be expected - it's a toxin after all. I'll definitely start on the smallest possible dose and have a sitter present. All very good advice, thanks (:

I won't be touching anything harder like coke, meth, etc don't worry. I kinda wanted to try E's, but I know there's a big risk so I'll probably avoid those too.

The cutting isn't about being sad or miserable. It's something I actually really enjoy and it makes me feel good. Don't worry, I will continue to be exceedingly careful.

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

1. We, of course, would just like to reemphasize a few things we've already said, but are worth repeating. :) Be sure that you are in control when you cut. If at any time you feel like you are missing the connection between your actions and your body, you should stop or at the very least pause to regain a connection. When you cut, you need to be sure that the instruments, as well as the surface where you are cutting is clean. Be sure that you clean them thoroughly when you are finished.

2. BDSM is more of an all-encompassing term. There are many combinations of preferences. People have preferences for certain kinds of pain, how they want it inflicted or how they want to inflict it. Being a masochist, but not a submissive isn't all that uncommon. Safewords are a good idea, especially the first few times. Some people find they don't need them, while others find they may need to use them.

3. Roleplay and environment can be great!

4. I can't offer any help with this one.

Good luck and play safe, kids.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I'm very careful to keep my 'tools' sterile and the wounds clean. The last thing I want is an infection of blood poisoning XD; That would not be good. I'm also being careful to only do it when it feels absolutely right and when I know it's what I really want, and not in any way reactionary. All very good advice and I will stick to it (:

The trouble with safewords, for me, is that the one thing I really want from the experience is total lack of control over what is done to me. If I can say 'stop' at any time, then it gives me control and it means that I have the chance to make the other person 'go easy' on me. I don't want that. I'd prefer to set up prior boundaries, if any are needed, than have a game-changing word in play.

Oh, yeah, I find that the environment can be one of the most effective parts of a role-play. It just makes the role immersion so much more complete ♥

I'll be safe, don't worry (:

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

I absolutely understand your feelings about a safeword because I feel the same way about it. :D Even so, it may be a good idea to have one in place if for some reason one experiences a sudden loss of personal control, such as a panic attack or a sudden trigger in the middle of playing.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

*Nods* I get what you're saying, but I'd be afraid that I'd end up using it and ruin everything. I mean, I know I'm going to want them to stop, and so I'll end up using any means necessary to make it stop... Therefore, if there was a safeword in place, I would almost certainly end up using it, and then later be kicking myself for it D:

Panic attacks and triggers are a risk, but that's all part of the being-totally-destroyed 'thing' that I somehow want. The loss of control, the panic and fear, it's all part of it. I'm not sure I know where 'want' and 'do not want' become a different thing in a scene like that.

Of course, if I were playing with random strangers, I'd be much more open to using a safeword because who knows what they might do to me, heh. But I think that with a trusted partner, they would know what things are inherently off-limits and then do everything else but that :D

[valkyriur.livejournal.com]

Okay, then. :) I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the risks.

[sphix.livejournal.com]

This is something I've been struggling with for almost a year. My dominant side has been getting stronger and more prevalent, and my submissive side has been harder and harder to call on. The last scene I did, my Dominant hit me with various thuddy implements and left a few bruises, but in all honesty, it was a light scene. But I was *pissed* afterwards, and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out, my dominant side, the one who hates pain, springs up to "protect" me when I start experiencing pain, and I get pissed off that the pain is happening rather than accepting it and letting it move through me.

The fantasy you described, while very hot, is something you must KNOW you'll come out okay on the other side of. Not just physically, but emotionally. Pitting your inner dominant against someone and losing can fuck you up for a while. Last month, I went to a party and set up a scene with five Doms. Each one of them beat the ever-loving shit out of me for half an hour. I thought I would feel great afterwards, knowing that I had taken such a large amount of pain and survived, and the subspace would be extraordinary. But there was no subspace, just pain, and I felt like shit for weeks afterward. I regretted the scene. I wanted the marks and the memories to go away. For two and a half hours, I subjected myself to torture because I had been feeling self-destructive. This is obviously my own experience and likely doesn't relate to you, but my dominant side HATES submitting so much that the only way I can justify laying there and taking the pain is that I need to "prove" myself. I need to be a "badass." So until I can switch those sides out, I've gotta avoid anything involving pain.

These kind of posts intrigue me. I'd be very interested in reading more of your fantasies and experiences, Jai. Stay safe (well, mostly, anyway). <3

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

OH HI THAR SPHIX. Long time no see :D

Hmm, well, I know I need to be careful. Someone like me can easily fall into a depression, start getting all confused in myself, lose myself in something bigger than me, unable to find my way out. I know that I'm demanding too much of myself, and while that kind of is the point, I also don't want to render myself completely (and long-term) incapacitated.

I know my dominant side will be pissed if I get overpowered, but I kinda want that. I want the anger and the rage and I won't submit emotionally even if I'm overpowered physically. Even if I end up a crying snotty shaking wreck, I won't feel like a failure as long as I did NOT give in and become submissive. I will never yield willingly to anyone, will never call anyone 'master' or ask them to punish me. As long as there is fight in me, my dominant side will be happy even if it's beaten, bloody and bruised on the floor ♥

Glad to hear that you don't mind reading this stuff~!

[sphix.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I haven't been active much on LJ XD; I still pop in once in a while and read up on old friends' entries and such <3

And yeah, I definitely see what you mean there :) I'd recommend maybe working your way up to it? Play a few times with a safeword in reserve and see how long it takes you to tap out, and then your partner should have a feel of where your limits are <3

And yeah, BDSM's been an interest of mine for a few years ;) I'm actually collared to a really nice girl~ <33

[way-past-cool.livejournal.com]

Well you know how I feel about all of it XD and I don't see you heading down some dark road of no return. Nothing's really changed, I don't think. You've just accepted things that were always there. It's time to explore!

Wow e.e I'm so damn corny.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

I guess I didn't realize how strongly those things were there or how deeply ingrained it was until all the soul searching lately. But I guess nothing has really changed. Except for, you know, new 'room mates' >_>;;

Corny is good and awesome, shmoo! XD ::Hugs tight::

[(Anonymous)]

shrooms is not a toxin. there is no toxic component at all.
nauseu is caused due to stimulation of the 5HT receptors of the gastic tract. these are also present in your bones oddly.
prof nutt of bristol uni (close to home ai...) explicates mdma no more dangerous than horse riding. low doses not dangerous, although there are some allergies and unexplainable sudden deaths etc., presumably at low doses due to preexisting and undiagnosed heart conditions and at higher doses due to serotonin syndrome (dont we just know it....)
for mdma, keep your ssri's handy - one just b4 u goto sleep after a night of rolling reduces to gradient of your come down. stay the f away from amphet & coke because theyre rubbish
keep gamma-butrylactone, ghb, valerian root (FTW!), temezapam, lorazepam etc to knock u out b4 bed after a roll

i feel you should know the facts according to me, but be careful ffs.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

You're right. I dunno why I thought there was a toxin in them. I had read before that psylocybin/psylocin is actually less toxic than aspirin, so I did know that. I'm scatterbrained and forget things, lol.

Heh, I don't think I can get hold of any of those items (especially the prescription-based ones), and since I stopped taking SSRIs and Temazepam, I really don't wanna have 'em anyway.

I think I'll most likely just use ginger tea as an anti-emetic and leave the rest to nature. As long as I clear a full weekend, it won't matter if I can't sleep right away.

I will be careful (:

[(Anonymous)]

all these psychedelics make your emotions volatile and also extreme. post-traumatic stress disorder is typified by uncontrollable recall of stressful events. this particularly vivid type of memory is 'flash bulb memory' and the commitment of sensation to this flash bulb memory is evoked by high levels of neuronal corticosteroids, appropriate for the stressful situation (one theory has it that these PTSD memories are laid down so solidly because the situation exposed which caused the PTSD was so severe that the details must be memorised for the survival of the organism).

when you are under the influence of psychedelics, terror can easily set in and this hallucinated stress resembles the biochemical signature of real life stress. hence these terror evoking hallucinations will be remembered in flash bulb memory, and flash backs, comparable to ptsd can occur easily.

dont take hallucinogens. they are dangerous. psilocin and its other form are far more potent drugs than all the amazing legal prescription medication. ask your self what you hope to gain from the psychedelic experience - can you achieve it in a less dangerous way?

if you do decide to go through with it, which you shoudln't - consider your experience like a spanish holiday. it's going to be different to what you expect, it'l give you the shits, you'll pay for it, but you damn well will makesure u enjoy it!

always know your in a happy environment. always know and remind yourself your're under the influence, that its all a show for your amusement.

i really really wouldn't bother. they're arent worth the collateral.

[flyboy-fox.livejournal.com]

>>ask your self what you hope to gain from the psychedelic experience

Just that. A psychedelic experience. An experience that I haven't yet encountered and would like to add to my list of things that I have tried and lived through.


>>can you achieve it in a less dangerous way?

I don't think so. But I know a fair few shmroomers, and none of them would say it's a 'dangerous' thing to do. A 'bad trip' can occur, but the actual danger level is very low for any lasting damage, especially if you have an experienced sitter with you.

I like the Spanish holiday analogy... although I have been to Spain many many times and never had 'the shits' as a result (;

[(Anonymous)]

haha
well permenant physical damage caused by the drug is essentially impossible, however psychological effects like the ptsd linked flash backs are entirely real. as far as psychedelics go, mushibles are the safest way to go. remove all potential risk factors and remove all negative environmental influences. makesure u know whether u'll b going out or staying in.
i wud hihgly advise you had a nice calming spliff or valerian tea at the immediate ready for when you want to wind down.
do not combine with any mao-is. certainly dont aim to push the envelope by any margin. avoid grapefruit juice by the same token. avoid a big meal beforehband for reliable results and the avoidance of unfortunate events. avoid hypericum or any st johns wort.
i so highly wud recommend you didnt bother with it.
imho, there are a infinite number of things i will never be able to experience and so i shud enjoy my lot. i see everything as risk.
dont get bang on em. and we#'ve gota confront reality for wat its worth and not what its not.
bsafe for us stay slinky :)
draw draw draw all of it and write ur words down

[(Anonymous)]

*ONE of the safeR
none are safe. safe doses, never safe drugs shibby